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My husband is a sex addicted. I discovered his addiction nine months ago. I was checking our account I found out a big transfer of money to our credit card. I was curious about it. There were several purchases on the credit card to a Spa service. It was by my house and I went down there to check out about the place and why my husband paid $200 dollars just two days previously. (read the rest of the story... click here)My husband is a sex addicted. I discovered his addiction nine months ago. I was checking our account I found out a big transfer of money to our credit card. I was curious about it. There were several purchases on the credit card to a Spa service. It was by my house and I went down there to check out about the place and why my husband paid $200 dollars just two days previously.
My heart was broken in millions of pieces, when I saw the girl that worked at the place. I was devastated to talk to them. They told me my husband was a regular customer for parlor massages. I looked all over my house but found nothing. No magazines, no other evidence.
After a check of the computer I found it was in full of porn. I called my husband to confront him, he didn't deny it, he told me the truth. He had been paying for prostitutes for three years. It was so painful that almost left him on the spot.
He promised he would look for help and is seeing a therapist and is involved in a 12 step recovery program for sex addicts. On his own word he has been "sober" since that day.
It is been hard for me and my child. He is doing well not to look at the computer at home. But my thoughts about his betrayal, that he slept with numerous girls during those three years is killing my love for him. He says he will not do it again he will be faithful to me and be a great dad. But my trust is gone, because he acts like nothing happened. He said to me "you can leave the past in the past and enjoy the present".
I do not how to deal with my pain, I’m doing everything for my baby because I grew up in house with out a father I don’t one my son to grow up with out one. I’m scared because we have to move to different country and I’m not sure that he will really change. I don’t what to do? Do I leave with him or get divorce and continue my life alon? Labels: addiction, adultery, children, depression, distrust, divorce, emotional pain, fathers, financial, internet, lies, pornography, prostitution, sexual addiction, unfaithful, young mothers
Wow, what a tough situation. You have to do what you really feel deep down will be best. If I were in your situation though, I don't think I'd trust him enough to leave the country with him, especially since he seems to show no remorse for his actions. You can raise your baby to be happy and nurtured as a single mom. Many women do it.
Like I said, look deep down and decide if you still love and can trust him anymore. God bless you, I hope everything will turn out well.
Posted at
July 9, 2008 9:51 AM
I was involved in a similar situation. I chose to stay with him for several years. I found that he never changed his ways, he just became more secretive. He would keep assuring me that there were, "no more secrets."
Finally, after years of punishing myself in this situation, I gained the strength to make him leave. I got myself checked for STD's and started taking care of myself because I had spent every waking hour fully financially supporting him (and his addiction, it turns out) and worrying myself.
Four years later, I find myself quite happy. I took an entire year off from dating any man, as I needed time for myself and I needed to get my head on straight so I would have the confidence to make an appropriate decision in another husband.
Well, I have found him. I can not tell you the blessings I have had in my life with an honest, clean man. We are very open with each other, and he treats me like a queen. I know by how he looks at me, and treats me that he truely loves me (that wasn't the case before). Marriage is never without its trials, but they are so much easier if both partners value faithfullness.
It was hard to end the marriage at first, because I did not have the self esteem, but it was well worth it! I have taken all that worry time, traveled the world, and I am now venturing on a new degree!
Life is never withouth trials, but it is a whole lot of fun if you have a loyal, loving, partner!
In fact, last week, after speaking at a public event, somebody in the community (who knew my x and I) told my father how impressed he was with how I turned out dispite the terrible things that had happened to me. I take pride in working hard to get to this point. I am respected, and I deserve it. You and your child deserve it too.
Posted at
July 9, 2008 11:06 AM
I am so sorry for how your husband has betrayed you. He should be sorry too. If he is not, that may be part of your answer. Have you explained your feelings? You need him to know how he has hurt you. This pain will not go away for a long time if you stay with him. It will be painful if you leave too. I am not saying you should leave or stay...only you can decide that, but if you stay his very presence will tear at your heart. If he cares about you or is sorry he should respect that and feel horrible .
Is there any way you could stay where you are or near friends and family with the baby while he leaves? You will need a lot of support at a time like this. Do you have any? Leaving your friends and loved ones now will put you in an even more vulnerable position. You are important and so are your feelings. How do you want your son's Mother to be treated? May God bless you with strength of conviction and peace of mind. I pray that you will see your own incredible value as a Mother, as a woman, and as a child of God.
Posted at
July 9, 2008 11:16 AM
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[editor's note: this entry is sometimes explicit and may not be comfortable for some people. But the story is powerful and she needs your support]Two’s company, three’s a crowd:- My husband, me and pornography. I first got married when I was very young and pregnant. Sadly the marriage was a mistake and as the years passed we found we had no love for each other. When our son was just 12 and our daughter was only a toddler of 2, we separated.
The divorce was nasty and traumatic and during the separation period I had a major nervous breakdown- even attempting suicide. Our children were both very badly affected by the whole situation. We agreed that the boy should stay with his father and the girl should stay with me. That was a big mistake as even to this day I struggle to have a normal relationship with my own son, and our daughter won’t speak to her father.
My ex- poisoned my son’s mind with so many untrue stories about me that he has even attacked me and my home in order to vent his fury. The whole experience was nasty and my ex - even became violent towards me as well.
I brought the little girl up and did an awful job. Depressed people become very introvert and full of self pity as that is part of the disease. I regret to say that I paid my daughter very little attention during the formative years when she needed a mothers love. In later years she stopped going to school, stopped eating, started taking drugs and self harming. Eventually she ran away from home at just 13 and only came back a year later because she had become so ill.
I have tried to help her and she has improved, but she has never been happy. She is now 20 and unemployed with bleak prospects. I feel that both my ex- and I have been irresponsible, selfish and are completely to blame for what our children suffered. If I could turn back the hands of time I would have stayed in my loveless first marriage until at least our children were old enough to find their own ways in the world. I am full of sorrow and regret but it is all too late.
So now, if ever I hear of a marriage breaking up or a relationship in trouble, if children are involved I would always encourage the couple to try and work it out. I really wish I had tried harder.
Anyway the years passed by and eventually I recovered my sanity and met husband number 2. He knew about my past and was kind and understanding. However I should have seen the warning lights when on our wedding night he refused to make love to me. This was 12 years ago and out of interest I would like to describe what I looked like 12 years ago.
During my former 5 years of depression I had used exercise as a way of coping with my pain. I would run away all my tears and anger and would go the gym to meet people. 5 years of doing this and my body was slim, toned and amazing. I will probably sound vain when I say this, but I am tired of reading that only men married to ugly women use pornography because that is simply not true. I have always been blessed with good looks and never had a problem attracting a man. As a bride to be I had made more effort than ever to ensure my skin and hair looked great for my weeding. Yet here I was in the sexiest of underwear with my tones shapely body and my new husband didn’t want to know. I had to plead with him to make love to me. That is how the start of our married life continued.
He would have to masturbate just to get an erection and even then was unable to have an orgasm. Can you believe that he used to fake it? I began to realise that begging for intimacy and having your partner fake it was undignified and unbecoming….so I simply gave up. I hoped that taking the pressure away from him would ease the situation. We both desperately wanted a child, but without lovemaking this clearly wasn’t going to happen.
At this time I had no idea what my husband’s problem was and thought it was just something physical or psychological. He told me he was under stress from work. Anyway- we had to resort to IVF to conceive our daughter since we could not conceive her in the normal way. Our daughter changed our lives and we both love and adore her so much, but whilst just 14 weeks pregnant with her I finally discovered my husbands problem was.
I was in the attic over our garage searching for something when I came across a large bag I had not seen before. As I opened it I was confronted with hundreds or pornographic video tapes. I am not just talking a few tapes here- but something like 300 tapes. I had been feeling sorry for my husband thinking that due to stress at work he had lost his sex drive. However now I knew the truth and his sex drive was alive and kicking. He loved sex- just not with me.
I brought the tapes indoors, destroyed them all, packed my bags and left. I was heartbroken and felt such a fool. He was devastated when he came home and found his pregnant wife had left him. He begged me to return and promised that he would never ever look at pornography ever again. He swore on his life that he would give it up for ever.
Our daughter is now 8 years old, and I can tell you that his promises were just words and nothing more than that. He has broken that promise a million times since and I would never believe any man who ever said they would never look at porn ever again. The years have passed and although I have put on about a stone in weight and am pushing 50, I am still an attractive woman with a good body that I have always looked after.
Men still chase me- but not my husband. My marriage is sexless and my husband finds ever more inventive ways to access porn.
- I blocked off the bad TV channels, so he got a computer.
- I put porn blocks on his computer, but he could still down load “You Tube” videos as the software doesn’t block them.
- I had spyware (Webwatcher) installed so I could see what he was doing and found he was accessing adult contact sites.
- My little daughter would be playing games on the Disney sites when a popup of a naked lady would appear on screen.
The family PC was badly contaminated by all the dodgy sites he had been on, so I just removed the PC. Of course that didn’t stop him and men get very inventive when they hide porn.
Cars are a good place to search. I have found many a magazine under the spare wheel. He gets DVD’s now and they are so much smaller and easier to conceal that the old chunky video tapes from a few years back. I had to face it – my 2nd husband was addicted to porn and did not want to make love to me because he preferred the fantasy and the young nubile bodies presented to him in this glossy unreal world of titillation.
I now have my own confession to make. Many years back I was so distressed by his behavior towards me, I decided to seek revenge. My reasoning was that if he could have his own secret little sexual world- then so could I. So I started to have one night stands.
Some were guys from adult contact sites, some were guys from work, some were guys I just met whilst out shopping in the supermarket. As I mentioned before, attracting men was never a problem for me once I put up the “available” sign. I didn’t want to have an affair as believe it or not, I was madly in love with my husband.
I didn’t want a relationship with another man. Yet I have to admit now- these one night stands were seedy and I hated every moment. You may laugh (or cry) when I tell you this, but I had to close my eyes and pretend the stranger having sex with me was my husband, to even become aroused. Isn’t that normally a reversal of the standard rule?
I think my husband suspected I was up to something, but to be honest I don’t think he cared enough to pay that much attention or to have me followed. After a year or so I gave up this behavior of my own accord because I realized it wasn’t really revenge at all. How can a secret be revenge? I was only hurting and insulting myself.
I have been a “wife in a porn affected marriage” for 12 years now and I am not sure what to advise woman on this site. Despite his weakness and addiction I still love my husband and my little daughter is a happy well adjusted child who is growing up in what she believes to be a happy family unit. After the way I hurt my eldest 2 children through divorcing husband number 1, there is no way on Gods earth I am going to destroy the innocent childhood of my child by husband number 2.
So you can probably guess that I have elected to stay inside my loveless marriage for the sake of my little girl. She is more important to me than my lack of a loving sex life. Also the grass is now always greener on the other side. I left a husband who was physically and mentally abusive towards me and replaced him with a man addicted to porn who never touches me – no kisses, no cuddles and certainly no sex.
Lots and lots on men use porn these days as it is all over the place, as are lap dancing bars and escort services. I could swap husband number one with husband number 3 and find out he uses prostitutes. Men are so weak and there are no guarantees that the replacement partner won’t have the same or even worse vices. I have also stopped all the obsessive searching for his porn as it become too time consuming and makes one a bit paranoid.
I used to always look at my husband black underwear for white stains as that was a tell tale sign that he had been masturbating. However now I close my eyes and throw them in the washing machine quickly. I could always tell when the DVD unit in the bedroom had been turned on, when I had switched it off just before I went to work. It is easy to spot when my husbands been up to his usual thing, but I try not to see the signs. Instead I have tried to find a happy life of my own.
I have my hobbies, lots of friends and as always my gym and my running. I also try to be the loving mother to my daughter that I should have been to my 1st daughter. She is my top priority in life. I can’t ever say that my porn addicted husband and I will stay together forever. I can’t ever say I will ever really trust him, and maybe the next step will be that he moves onto the next level and makes sexual contact with a real person. However I can’t say I really care anymore. It’s much easier not to care as you will never cure these guys I do try to make it difficult for him to access porn (as in getting rid of his PC and the DVD), but I know I can never totally prevent it.
I have lots of close male friends at work, who whilst not addicted and remaining as loving husbands to their wives, still confess to occasionally stopping at a service station with a porn magazine which they dispose of straight afterwards.
You can’t imprison your partner or put them on a leash. There will always be porn opportunities for men who want it. So it’s a no win situation for people like me. Oh and before anyone accuses me of being a frigid prude, can I assure anyone reading this that this is anything but the truth. I do not disapprove of pornography at all and have before now have found it quite arousing and erotic. What I do not approve of is its misuse to the degree that a man prefers the use of porn to making love to his wife.
Lovemaking gives a relationship warmth and intimacy and without it the partnership can lose its sparkle. My husband is virtually little more than a friend and a distance has come between us. I think having a flutter on a horse can be fun, but I believe that gambling on a regular basis can be financially devastating. I think a glass of wine with a meal s fantastic, but I believe becoming an alcoholic is life threatening and destructive. I think that using erotic images as part of a loving sexual relationship is healthy, but I believe replacing the sexual relationship with porn is selfish, irresponsible and quite frankly sad.Labels: adultery, children, depression, distrust, divorce, emotional pain, fathers, honesty, internet, pornography, sexual addiction, unfaithful, young mothers
I have been thinking a lot about you and your post. I too am dealing with a man who prefers porn over intimacy. With children involved the situation becomes complicated. I don't know if it is better to stay with a man who deals with this or to leave. The fear of the children being exposed is my greatest concern. How can a man be the kind of father he needs to be for a child when he is involved with such a perverted and sexually addictive habit? There is so much heartache and sadness that revolves around pornography. I will be thinking of you and hoping the best for you.
Posted at
June 2, 2008 11:20 AM
I know the impact of pornography. I was exposed as a child to porn, and it nearly destroyed my life. As a young man, I gave myself to the pleasures that pornography brings. I offered myself to lust, seeking the promises of thrills and excitement. Eventually, I began to want to stop, but I couldn't. Years of exposure tainted my soul and left images in my head. I was addicted. My marriage was falling apart, my hopes to be a minister were slipping away, but I couldn’t let go of my sinful habit, no matter how hard I tried.
But then, God got my attention! It was only after I began to see just how God felt about pornography and lust that I began to change within. Pornography is sin; therefore, it is a spiritual issue and must be dealt with at this level first. Before a man or woman can break free from sin, they must acknowledge it as sin. Then, God can begin to open their eyes and help them to see just how much destruction it is causing.
If you, or someone you love, is dealing with a pornography problem, then pray and ask God to reveal how He views porn. Also, pray and ask God that you, or the other person, will have a receptive heart. This is where the healing and walk to freedom begins. I suggest that you read and pray over 1 Timothy 4:1-8 and 1 Corinthians 6:12-20. These two passages give us very deep insight into the way God feels about sexual immorality.
The fight must begin on the spiritual level, and then, move into practical applications of God’s word. Freedom is possible, please do not lose hope. God is there, and He wants to deliver you and your loved ones from this terrible and destructive sin.
Posted at
June 4, 2008 12:24 PM
I am going through the same situation and only my husband is sexually active with me but he prefers to cover my face so he doesn't have to see me. I have so many self esteem problems it's not even funny. I guess I have the choice of having intimacy with my husband and let him cover my face or I have the option of your situation and have no intimate relationship at all. I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do but I am most concerned for my children concerning the fact that my children have been exposed while I'm at work, not because I have caught it but because I see certain things that my son does and it really makes you wonder. But as we all know life goes on and I know or hope that eventually my husband will get tired of doing this gross thing and stop. I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet. I want to leave him so bad but then I think of my children and it makes me think of the future. They love their father so much but I'm just wondering if it is in their own good to take them away from that kind of situation because what will happen when my daughter gets to adolescents and begins to develop? I can swear if he ever does anything to my daughter I can sincerely say that I will kill him.
Posted at
June 17, 2008 1:30 PM
You have my sympathy. I am going through something similiar with my husband. It's gotten to the point where I'm just ready to give up. I try to discourage his pornography use whenever I can but like you said if a man really wants to have it, he will find a way. Plus porn is so easily accessible these days. I can't leave him...I'm pregnant with our 2nd child. I still love him but we very seldom have sex and when we do it feels like he is not there on an emotional level. It's as though he's just doing it out of obligation. The whole situation is very sad. We (You, myself, other women in this situation) should not have to live this way!
Posted at
July 2, 2008 6:53 PM
I am the lady who wrote this story and I would like to thank everyone for their comments. Sorry for being so graphic- but as a subject Porn is graphic.
It is difficult! My husband loves and adores porn. It's easy, it doesn't answer him back, it doesn't ask him to mow the lawn. He is not judged on his performance and the only person he has to please is himself. To many men like our partners, porn is easy, feels good, simple to get and these days with memory sticks and internet enabled phones - very easy to hide. Why on earth would anyone give up something that feels good and in their minds is not doing anyone any harm.
However it is doing harm. It is harming the wives & girlfriends of these guys, harming our Trust, harming our relationships and if the love flies out the window- doesn't the family and children end up the victims?
I don't even sleep in the same bed as my husband any more. We don't kiss, cuddle or hold hands even. I have no respect for him at all. Fortunatly I have hit the menopause and with zero hormones I am blessed to have lost my sex drive- so there is no longer this great empty void in my life.
I prefer it when I am in the house alone and love it when he is out. All in all - you could say I have no relationship with him.
I guess the porn doesn't bother me now. You have to love someone to feel hurt and I feel nothing. I just really wish that the companies & people that make so much money out of this industry realised the effect this is having on our society.
Porn isn't about "making love" - porn is about "killing love" !
Posted at
July 9, 2008 10:52 AM
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My story begins 4 1/2 years ago when I met my current boyfriend. He was 37 at the time, and married, and I was only 19. For whatever reason, being young and naive, I agreed to having an affair with him. Two months later, his wife found out and they subsequently got divorced. For 3 years, I didn't know he had a secret life. We had frequent arguments over anything and everything and I occasionally had thoughts of leaving him, but I always stayed. It wasn't until just over a year ago that I realized that he was turning to pornography every time he felt "rejected" by me. Last March I confronted him after realizing he was sending money orders via internet to women who would perform in front of a webcam for him. He denied everything and became upset that I would even think he would do such a thing. Two months later, I caught him again, doing the same thing, and he finally admitted to it. He said he had been "scared" before and was afraid I would leave if I knew that he had spent nearly $1,000 on these women. I was devastated and tried to leave, but for whatever reason, I decided to stay. In September, I caught him having erotic chats online and I moved out for a couple days. But for whatever reason, I returned and our relationship went right back to the way it was. He was convinced he had his addiction beat and he would do anything to keep me by his side. It only lasted a month...and I started realizing he was at it again--viewing porn and having erotic chats. I pretended I didn't know, pretended that I could ignore the problem...but 3 weeks ago I started packing my stuff. I couldn't take it anymore. He was viewing everything from bestiality, to incest, to pictures of young children in bathing suits. He told me that everything I had saw was just out of curiosity...but I don't believe him. Yes, I'm still here, but we are not "together" right now. I am seeking counseling to help me with my self-esteem issues and give me the courage to move on. Labels: addiction, adultery, pornography, prostitution, spouse, unfaithful
Please leave him. Leave and never look back. The fact that he was unfaithful to his wife coupled with how young you are and what he has looked at means he is very sick and not to be trusted. He is a danger to everyone he comes in cantact with. Call the authorities and turn over his computer to them if you feel strong enough. For your own well being sever all ties with him as soon as possible! Do not warn him - just get a plan together and follow it. This is not a person capable of being a full partner in a loving relationship. You are still young and there is lots of hope. Leave, take some time for yourself and wait for a while before you get into another relationship. When you get in another relationship look for someone who will give more to you, who is your age, someone interested in marrying you, and someone honorable, this guy obviously wasn't.
You need to heal so keep gettting help. Your self-esteem must be shot but you need to know that you are worth the work to get out of this situation. You prpbably feel some guilt for your involvement with him and the break up of his marriage. It was all bad but you were so young. He knew better.
Pray for strenghth. Through this experience you must realize that Satan is real. You need to trust that God is real too. Pray for stength, pray for guidence...it will come. Pray for peace and act in a way to help it come. May God bless you in this great time of need. He loves you and will help you. Trust those instincts He has given you.
Posted at
April 21, 2008 1:44 PM
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When I met my spouse in 1985, I found quite a collection of disgusting, hard core porn in his home. I dismissed it as him being lonely as he had been divorced for about two years. He also had men calling him for sex. He told me his former girlfriend had placed his phone number in the peep booths at the local porn shop. Being fairly naive, I bought the story. When we moved in together I never found any porn again outside of a random Playboy or Penthouse and really never thought about it after that. In 2003 I developed Herpes Simplex II. I asked him if he had been faithful and he said yes. Because a friend of mine who is a Physician's Assistant told me HSV can remain latent, I thought I had possibly developed it years ago and it suddenly appeared. DUH 21 years later. I have since been told by several physicians that this is basically impossible. Last year, I found hundreds of porn pictures on his work computer. When I confronted him about the pictures, I was mainly concerned that he could easily be fired if someone was checking the servers as he works for a city government. As a HR professional, I had fired people for this exact reason. I then cleaned up his computer temp files and cookies as he didn't know how to do that. As time went on, I kept finding more porn and dating sites in his temp files and cookies. I discovered one link to an adult swingers site. When I confronted him about a profile on the site I believed was his, he admitted to cheating on me one time with an acquaintance of mine. He was sure it was before I developed breast cancer in 2004. He did not want to discuss it any further. Two days later I found an email he sent unsubscribing to a dating site. He denied knowing anything about the email even though it came from his password protected account. That night, he pushed me about 25 feet into my kitchen where I landed on the granite top of my kitchen island and two chairs. I broke my finger, he left and I went to a friend's house. Long story short, I hired a forensic computer analyst to look at our home computer. He found an amazing amount of porn and dating site activity. I confronted my husband again on June 1 and he pushed me through the drywall and left the next day. Our divorce is almost final, he had to admit that he had a STD in the interrogatories. However, he also gave a date for his "one time" cheating that was false as I had recorded his "one night stand" telling me the actual date they met after a bicycle race. It was more than three years earlier. She has also insisted that she does not have Herpes. He had placed her phone numbers in his 1999 planner which was odd as we were never really friends and she live 500 miles from us. I think porn has been a problem for my STBX since he was quite young as I was told by a friend of his that porn was made available to him and his brothers at a very early age. He is also an active alcoholic which I believe he has used to self medicate to ease the pain and shame of his addiction to porn and sex. Internet porn opened up an entirely new opportunity for him to find anonymous sex partners and view sex on line. If anyone thinks that this is not a problem today, they are kidding themselves. If a person is already addicted to porn and masturbation, they now have the ability to watch live sex on-line, as well as find partners in their own zip codes with a quick search of numerous sex sites catering to addicts. His addiction has left me financially strapped, 23 years of my life with him have essentially been wiped clean, and I am no longer a trusting person. If you think your spouse is addicted to porn, it is time to begin monitoring internet activity. And whatever you do, do not infect files by trying to figure things out on your own. Find a person (usually at a university or law enforcement agency)that is trained in finding all the hidden activity. It helped me get an excellent financial settlement, something that is almost unheard of in the State of Michigan. Labels: addiction, debt, distrust, divorce, emotional pain, financial, honesty, internet, lies, pornography, unfaithful
Your story is also mine. Word for word. Mine is finally an ex, as of a month ago and I took him back to court with a modified motion on my settlement because I found thousands of dollars he "lied" about that he'd spent on internet porn, during our separation period and he was actually in contempt of court for using funds for other than "necessities of life". He's working on his "program" now more effectively, so he says, however, I have my doubts, but I'm out, now I need to start recovering. The distrust you feel for your judgement is awful and that's going to take some time to heal.
Thanks for your story, there are many more like us.
Posted at
February 14, 2008 12:07 PM
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Perhaps, although probably too late for me, this story will help others. My life involving pornography began in the mid 60's, when there was not much knowledge of the problem or hope for help. I married the man of my dreams and we had many positive aspects to our marriage. It was a sweet enough relationship to bring seven children into this world. However, I, like others express in their stories, knew something was wrong, but it was 10 years into our marriage until I found out what it was. When discovered at age 12, he was told not to talk about it, yet talk was what we both needed. I would have seen us through, but he decided I couldn't and after affairs finally left. I do not claim to have been a perfect wife, but I loved my husband with all my heart and still do. My life and the lives of my children have all been impacted by his addiction to pornography. Yes, he tried to keep 'it' from us, but it is impossible to keep the effects on one's life, one's disposition, one's inner spirit, one's escape mechanisms from affecting those around us. Many of our children have struggled with their own addictions, but hopefully have overcome . . . I don't know, for they, too, have learned to not talk about their problems. My heart aches, and I write only to encourage those involved to TALK (One counselor told me that 85% of those who communicated -- shared in overcoming the problem made it -- only 35% of those who did not talk made it)-- GET IT OUT IN THE OPEN -- GET HELP. DON'T EMBRACE THE LIE THAT THIS IS JUST THE WAY I AM. MINDS CAN BE CHANGED. LIVES CAN BE CLEANED. GOOD LUCK!! Labels: addiction, early addiction, family, pornography, spouse, unfaithful
Thank you so much for your encouraging words. Accountability is really one of the best tools for those who are trying to break free from addiction (http://blogs.covenanteyes.com/2008/01/24/why-accountability-part-1/).
I work for Covenant Eyes, a company that makes Internet accountability software for those who want greater integrity with their Internet usage. It is so rewarding to read testimony after testimony from those who have found freedom in confession and removing the anonymity of Internet usage.
God bless!
Posted at
January 31, 2008 12:41 PM
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I found out my husband was planning to meet another woman when I came across the conversation they had over the internet. Until that time, I had no idea he had a problem with pornography! I knew that we were struggling in our relationship and in almost every aspect of our life, but I didn't know what was causing it. I thought it was me. I thought I must not be doing everything I needed to do, that I wasn't a good enough wife and mother. I prayed that I would know what I could do to make things better for my family, and within a week I found out what was really going on. My husband is addicted to sex, which started as an addiction to pornography at a very young age. That was almost two years ago. Even though I wanted to take my children and run, I decided to stay in the marriage and help him with his addiction. With the help of LDS family services, he attends group meetings weekly, and is making progress in his recovery. There is even a meeting for the spouses where I gain so much strength and hope, being surrounded by women who know how I feel and are dealing with the same struggles I face! Unfortunately, pornography addiction is so much more common than we want to believe, and there are so many people out there who are addicted, but don't want to admit it. It was really hard for my husband to admit his addiction, but it has opened the way for him to recover from it. It will probably take years to get over it completely, but I have seen him change spiritually, and our life is much richer now. Labels: family, internet, sexual addiction, Success, unfaithful
Thank you for mentioning LDS Family Services!! I know that the Addiction Recovery Program works and I am so thankful for it.
Posted at
January 22, 2008 1:30 PM
Thank You for sharing your story. I found these images on my computer as well. I confronted my husband . He didn't admit it at first. I convinced him that it couldn't be anybody else. He says he viewed it only occasionally. Should I believe him or is it more of a cover up? He does stay up late on the computer and I am not there with him. Do you recommend a good filter?
sincerely Hope
Posted at
January 23, 2008 10:05 PM
I am LDS too- our bishop has also referred us in the direction of LDS family services, and I wasn't sure if that would be a good place to go or not. I am glad to see a referral. Most of all, I am glad to read success stories. The failure stories are the ones most heard of, and I feel like leaving sometime not because things are "so bad" in our marriage right now, but for my fear that things will only get worse. Thank you for your success story that gives me hope and strength, and most of all, lets me know I am not alone.
Posted at
May 5, 2008 11:47 AM
I am LDS too- our bishop has also referred us in the direction of LDS family services, and I wasn't sure if that would be a good place to go or not. I am glad to see a referral. Most of all, I am glad to read success stories. The failure stories are the ones most heard of, and I feel like leaving sometime not because things are "so bad" in our marriage right now, but for my fear that things will only get worse. Thank you for your success story that gives me hope and strength, and most of all, lets me know I am not alone.
Posted at
May 5, 2008 11:47 AM
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My husband developed a pornography and sex addiction that escalated to prostitution. Lying and deceit abounded. Yet, committed were we both to overcoming the awful ramifications. I didn't know how it would work but I knew that I wanted to try as hard as I could. I felt that it was God's will that families be together. I prayed and had faith that if God (and my husband) were willing, that I could be alright enough to keep going too. I know that isn't the outcome for many, and I wouldn't want to judge another in as devastating a situation. Just as I didn't know how it would work out, I may not ever know whether he's really free of the addiction or not. Trust is something you'll have to learn to live without for a while, all you precious women suffering from something like this right now. My heart goes out to you -- truly. All I can really say is how I'm feeling and what I think of my marriage, and this much I think is true: For six years I suffered and struggled feeling that something was terribly missing. I rationalized marriage was just not all I hoped and imagined it would be. Then my husband confessed. He was very humble and sincere and it was all actually a relief and kind of endearing to me -- beyond the painfulness, of course. I thought, oh good, that was why things felt wrong and now they'll be good again. Then he was more deceitful and cruel and emotionally abusive than ever before upon subsequent failures and relapses. It wasn't as easy as either of us expected. But six years later today, none of those things are missing that I longed for in the beginning and the father of my children is my husband because of our unwaivering commitment not to give up, but to keep going together and overcome, and because of the atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ. Things can eventually become OK, no matter how difficult. Someone once said to me, "Everything turns out in the end, and if it hasn't turned out yet, it's not the end." Listen closely and follow the promptings of the Holy Spirit for you, but if those promptings entice you to keep hanging in there, do so the best you can remembering that things will be OK in the end and striving to feel Heavenly Father's love for you -- and even your husband -- to keep you going in the meantime. All's truly well that ends well, thanks to the grace of God! Labels: children, distrust, family, lies, pornography, prostitution, unfaithful
After nearly 40 years of marriage and many children, I also learned why "marriage wasn't what I thought it would be": his addiction to pornography and prostitutes.BUT my husband didn't want to make real changes; he just wanted to cry and promise in order to get back into our home where he would be able to again have ours as well as his 'other life' through more lies and better cover up. The divorce is in process; I am at peace at last!
Posted at
January 17, 2008 12:15 PM
After nearly 40 years of marriage and many children, I learned at last why "marriage just wasn't what I thought it would be": his addiction to porn and eventual prostitution. He didn't really want to change; just pretend he already had and it would "never happen again", but he refused to do the hard work of counseling and complete personal and financial honesty-- chose divorce instead. Divorce proceeding; it's hard, but I'm at peace at last! It's OK to know it's time to go--and you'll be blessed and survive and thrive.
Posted at
January 17, 2008 12:24 PM
Thanks for your story. You are braver than me. I don't think our marriage would survive a relapse, but it is strong and happy now, after similiar "escalation". It's nice to hear of other success stories-I truly believe Christ can change us
Posted at
January 17, 2008 8:11 PM
Thank you for giving me some hope. No, not all situations do end up working out. I think it depends on if the husband is at least willing to really work at his problem and commit to being honest and to avoid the problem. Even if they fall, its okay if they at least have honesty and commitment to try.
I really needed to read you story because I have lost all hope recently. I don't want divorce, nor I am looking into getting divorce papers, but when I look into my future,Its like I see divorce. I don't picture the problem being gone. I have felt so alone, scared, and hopeless. Its hard to not become convinced that this addiction is uncurable, its something he'll always have so I should just leave now and spare myself a lifetime of pain. But some stories tell that there are victories...so I guess I won't give up yet.
Posted at
June 3, 2008 5:40 PM
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I have two brothers who have struggled with pornography for years. One of them has been unfaithful to his wife. The other started with pornography and struggled with depression. He created a scenario a few years ago that almost destroyed our entire family with all kinds of false accusations. I think he is getting help now, but I am not sure. Labels: depression, siblings, unfaithful
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