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I met my husband in college and after we had known each other for about three years, we decided to get married. I thought I was marrying someone just like me, a goodie-goodie. Our marriage wasn't as wonderful as I had expected, but it wasn't terrible either. I soon realized that this family I married into was very different from my family... Click here to read the entire story...I met my husband in college and after we had known each other for about three years, we decided to get married. I thought I was marrying someone just like me, a goodie-goodie. Our marriage wasn't as wonderful as I had expected, but it wasn't terrible either. I soon realized that this family I married into was very different from my family.
My first impressions of his parents were that they seemed nice, but very quiet. I then noticed his parents took on what we would call traditional roles, where his father ran the farm and his mother took care of the house and the children. At first I didn't see anything wrong with it, until I noticed that she was expected to help with the farm when things got busy, but he NEVER lifted a finger to help her with the house or kids. I also noticed his mother waited on his father hand and foot, and obeyed every command he gave.
But I felt we were different and that my husband wasn't a tyrant like his father and I wasn't a slave like his mother. But at the time, I didn't realize how much damage had already been done. That a family system like his was breeding grounds for addictions. And that these addictions were well into place before he ever met me.
After we had been married for about 12 years is when I first noticed some major changes in him. We had just put our house on the market when he started to not feel well. He refused to see a doctor, so the responsibilities of having the house and the yard ready to show, fell on my shoulders. At the same time, we had been trying to get pregnant with our fourth child for over a year. The stress was getting to me, but by the end of the summer our house sold, he got better, and I got pregnant!
I thought things would only get better. They only got worse. Shortly after our move things got really busy with his work. He started working longer hours and would even stay all night on many occasions. And the few evenings he did come home, he would stay in the basement claiming he had work to do. I would beg him to hire someone else at work, but he would only chew me out. He then started to get sick again and would still refuse to see the doctor, and once again he would tell me to leave him alone. At this time I was 8 months pregnant, and we had hardly seen him in the last 5 months. I felt like a single parent.
After the baby was born, his behavior got even stranger. By then, I was fed up with him never being home, so I called the manager and asked why nothing had been done to improve this. He said he didn't know why he ALWAYS worked late. He could understand some nights, but every night? They did hire someone else, but he claimed the work load only got bigger, so the late nights continued. He also continued to be sick with weird symptoms and still refused to see a doctor. All he said was he never got enough time to himself, and that so much was expected of him. A whole week would easily go by without him seeing me or the kids. Even on Sundays we wouldn't see him, because his church calling would have him attend a different building for church, and then he would leave from there to go to work. I didn't know what to do.
Another six months went by, and I continued to function as a single parent. The very few hours he was at home he was either asleep or in the basement and did not want to be disturbed. Every time I tried to approach him about him abandoning us or his continuing illness, I would get the same lecture that he was too stressed and tired and to leave him alone. He showed no concern for me or the kids and continued to only get sicker. I finally decided he wasn't a part of our life and that I was indeed a single parent. That was how I survived.
On New Year's day 2007, he got ill enough that he finally decided he had to see a doctor. They immediately admitted him to the hospital and diagnosed him with PCP, a form of pneumonia. I thought finally! Now they can give him meds, get him better and things will now improve. Well of course, things only got worse. He then told me PCP is only found in people with HIV.
How could this be? I then asked how did you get HIV? All he said was I don't know and you have to be tested too. In extreme shock, I went to be tested which thankfully turned out to be negative. The doctors promised me my kids would be negative too, but that didn't make the pain and shock any less. What happened to my innocent life?
I couldn't believe he would sit there and tell the doctors he had no idea how he got HIV. These were the people who were trying to save his life! Who is this person I am married to? I think he truly thought he was fooling us, but anyone with half a brain knows how you get it and how you don't! Once the actual blood counts came back, he was then diagnosed with AIDS. (cd4 count of 20.)
I then decided I would be a kind supportive wife through this tragedy in hopes that he would confess to me. He was in out of the hospital over the next month, with me running back and forth with four kids. It then took him another two months to get any energy back and to get used to the "cocktail". I was the one who took care of him at home, thinking I was doing what was right. I thought for sure once he was feeling better he would apologize for the way he had treated us, thank me for all I had done, and humbly confess. I got none of that.
Once he got his strength back and started going back to work, the long hours came back too. Furious, I tried several times to talk to him about it, but he would just avoid me or leave the conversation. Finally, after months of living this nightmare again, I decided I had to take things into my own hands. I had refused to do this before, because I had promised myself that I would never become a snoop. I had wanted to be a trusting person, but since he would not confess and with things only getting worse, I decided I had to do it. I was scared of what I would find and even more scared of what if he found out.
I had noticed over the past year that he had started carrying a backpack around with him. He claimed he needed it for his gym clothes so he could go exercise while he was at work. He always took it with him, no matter where he was going. When he was at home, he would store it downstairs under his desk. One night while he was working in the garage, I decided to check there first. That was the first and last place I needed to check.
The backpack was stuffed full of gym clothes as he claimed, but I did eventually find a necessity kit that looked suspicious. In it I found everything I was looking for and a whole lot more. As a matter of fact, I didn't even know what half of the stuff was. The things I found were condoms, sex stuff, Viagra, money, crystal meth, drug paraphernalia, and pornography on DVDs. (I had to check the internet and with the police to verify everything.) I now understood his behavior.
With the help of my bishop, we then sat down to confront him. It took him a long time to even admit what he had done. He finally said that this double life started shortly after our first baby was born. He claims I gave too much attention to the baby. He said it all started out with a curiosity in pornography, which eventually turned into acting out sexually with men. He actually justified his actions, because he claims he only did this a couple of times a year. (That makes it all better you know!) After about ten years of this, he finally gave into the drugs that were always offered to him. This only made his double life escalate. He went from acting out a couple of times a year to a couple of times a day in the last two years. Since he is one of the owners of the business, he was able to work his odd hours and give himself bonuses (for drugs) without anyone saying a word. He had a great set-up for a lifestyle like his. Too bad his wife had to go and blow it for him.
I told him then that I would not kick him out now, because I knew without serious help and support, he would dive into that lifestyle until he was dead. It still took months to get confessions out of him, and even then he would only answer what I asked and would never volunteer information. I still had to pick and choose what to believe, because his confessions were still so full of lies. Even now months later, I still stumble across things he never told me about. He was eventually excommunicated from the church, which was a surprise to him and his parents. (Which just proves where he gets his faulty beliefs from.)
So, where are we now? We are both in a program called Lifestar, that helps sex addicts and their spouses. He is also seeing a drug therapist, with a weekly urine analysis. I am also seeing a therapist and I do speak frequently with our Bishop. My therapist wants him to be seen by a Psychiatrist, that specializes in homosexual sex addiction and have a full battery of test performed. Many of us feel he suffers from severe personality disorders, and without a proper diagnosis, he will never recover. He has also been told to have regular visits with our Bishop and other church leaders. Well, he feels that the two programs he is involved with is enough. He has claimed that he has completely stopped acting out and that he has recovered. So why does he need more treatment? He doesn't like people telling him what to do, especially if it is his wife and her therapist. He said that he can handle all of this on his own and that what he has done isn't that bad. His father even agrees with him that he does not need to see the Bishop or continue with treatment. (As a matter of fact, his father blames me for all of this. But I'll save that for another day.) He continues to attend church with us and puts the front on that everything is okay.
So where am I with this? I knew back with his diagnosis that he had killed the marriage. I kept things together so he could get into proper treatment and maybe start the repentance process. I now see that I was only dreaming. Everyday I try my best to be pleasant and to continue being a good wife and mother. I felt due to the horrific things he had done, our intimate life was over, but I could still allow him to kiss me goodbye. I thought I was being Christ-like by trying to help, but he recently told me I have been extremely cold and unChrist-like to him. I also told him that I could be of more support to him as a friend, than as a spouse. That only made him angry that I was not willing to work on our marriage. I do realize that I was expecting a healthy response from an unhealthy person. A few months back I did talk to a lawyer and I am also trying to figure out what I can do with an old health degree. (I will probably go into Nursing.)
I do know every ones repentance process will be different and that it is not my place to judge. But I do know that I have to make a righteous judgment for the safety of my children and myself. I do not feel that he has even scratched the surface of repentance. I have yet to see any remorse or regret for what he has done. All I see is frustration and anger towards me, because I'm not doing what he thinks I should be doing. He wants me to quickly forgive and forget and act like this never happened. Not once has he asked me what he could do for me.
Labels: addiction, adultery, AIDS, children, devestation, distrust, fathers, lies, pornography, spouse
Wow, I thought my stuff was hard. And it is. It's all so horrible and not at all what we signed on for when we got married. You are amazingly strong. I am so glad that you are getting help and support. I'm glad your bishop is there for you. That has not been my experience at all. It is too awkward and embarrassing for my bishop to handle. Please look out for yourself and your children first. Take care of yourself. I'm not so good at that, but I know it is the right thing. Even through all the ugliness and overwhelming bad stuff I still know that Heavenly Father loves us.
Posted at
June 19, 2008 10:53 AM
The Lord never gives us trials that we cannot handle. He knows you are a very strong and courageous woman. And you have handled this. I know what it is like to be lied to and manipulated by the man you love. Your love goes so deep, and that only makes it hurt more. I pray that I can be a strong as you. Thank you for sharing your story.
Posted at
June 19, 2008 11:27 AM
May I also thank you for sharing your story. I think many of us can find some truth in your story that fits ours. It is so difficult when our faith is strong and we expect our partner to be honest and faithful. It hurts so much. I have read lots and lots of books and they really help me sort through my fears, feelings and what is real & true. Heavenly Father knows we can only be responsible for how we treat others NOT how they treat us. You are wise to know your husband is unhealthy so his responses are unhealthy. He has believed lies and it sounds like he continues to believe lies and want you to join him. YOU KNOW WHAT IS TRUE. Honesty and fideility. I would suggest your husband POSSIBLY was sexual abused as a child or exposed to sexual activity prior to an age he could understand the behavior? Has he opened up enough to share his early childhood sexual experiences. Just a thought from experience. Hold your head up high and know that you deserve to be appreciated for your kindness and if your husband is so lost he continues to see himself as the victim you MAY want give him an opportunity to handle HIS mess by himself. It is right to help others who help themselves BUT I have found it is easy also to enable those who continue to be stuck and that is not good for either of you.
Posted at
June 19, 2008 12:44 PM
I can not imagine how you have coped with all the things you describe! I have also endured a lot because of my husband's addiction, but it pales in comparison to your story. You are so strong! I hope that your husband will alter his thoughts, beliefs and desires in a way that will bring REAL change. Thank you for being brave enough to share your experience. I pray for your family!
Posted at
June 19, 2008 12:54 PM
God never intended for his daughters to be treated this way. Here is a quote from a LDS church leader, Gordon B. Hinkley, in a book called, 'My Dear Sisters':
"My heart reaches out to you. I appreciate you. I honor you. I respect you. What a tremendous force for good you are. You are the strength of the present, the hope of the future. You are the sum of all the generations that have gone before, the promise of all that will come hereafter."
I am sure that God feels the same about his daugthers. Be strong - support what is right and correct. Pray, and you will have the strength to carry out what is virtuous. (It is your responsibility to care for your physcial safety as well as your children.)
Posted at
June 26, 2008 7:04 PM
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Reading these stories is comforting knowing that I am not alone. We feel so alone don't we? I have been married for 12 years with 4 children. I suspected pornography use from very early on when my husband insisted sleeping on the couch late at night. I remember him acting very angry at me at times and not really understanding why. He claimed to have issues with the fact that I had a teenage lover at the age of 16 and had come back to our church after looking for repentance and forgiveness. After 2 children I was lying in bed one night and a voice said in my head,"Go look in his bag." Being completely asleep, I hobbled over to find well worn magazines of porn in his bag. That night he finally opened up to me about his addiction to porn and of course the masturbating that goes along with this.
Well time went on and I would occasionally sweetly ask him,"How are you doing with pornography?" He would always reply,"Good." I remember seeing darkness in his face at times and wondering. I would always think that I was being paranoid and judgmental. Wasn't I asking him if he was okay. I even would consciously make sure that I was always initiating in our private life so he would know that this was a place that he could get more love, more attention, more gratification.
Life went on like this for years. Knowing but not understanding what to do about the problem. I had two other children and during the pregnancy of the last,found out the truth about what was really going on. Since, I have learned much about this type of addiction. It can be subtle at times and "hard core" at times. It seems to rotate in cycles. Like circles, round and round it goes. I don't think that he has ever come to me to talk about it.
He has become so desperate to keep the truth that it has grown into this incredible monster that has affected every aspect of our lives. Work, money problems, behavior including depression, never feeling like things are good enough. We have sought out counsel from leaders of our church, even participated in a program to help addicts of sexual addiction. Still he is being "caught."
Funny, just like another post said. I don't even have to try. If enough times passes, I will find him....sneeking. It is more than that. I have young children. They are always doing reports on the internet. A place where he has harbored much of his addiction.
I sit next to them, even with filters and special programs and me right next to them, I am panicking because I am so afraid that they will be exposed. I have been doing this for a solid 8 years now. Just this morning, I found myself for the first time in our marriage, telling him that I couldn't be intimate with him. It honestly made me sick to my stomach. I love so many things about this man but this addiction has made him someone I don't even know anymore.
This is the absolute hardest thing that I have ever been through and am feeling so incredibly alone and scared. I know there are so many out there that are in my same situation. How do I take these beautiful children away from their father? He has expressed anger at me for not wanting to help him through this. He claims that he has tools to deal with this that he learned from these meetings yet it is still going on? Do I hack things out for 3-6 more months? When children are involved it becomes incredibly complicated. HELP-suggestions?Labels: addiction, children, communication, depression, distrust, emotional pain, family, fathers, internet, lies, pornography, spouse
Posted at
May 21, 2008 11:36 AM
My heart goes out to you and your sweet children. I am a young mother and am also constantly stressed about my husband's addiction to pornography. This site has been very helpful in understanding that I am not alone. It has taken more time to understand than I have wanted to give. I too have been at the end of my rope several times with the feeling of mere existance for my children. The main thing I would like to communicate to you is about the addiction recovery meetings. I went with my husband for quite a while, even pushing him out the door many of the nights. -I've gotten more bold during this time of trial and have gotten to understand more meaningS of 'tough love.'I belive this loving boldness will also help me become a better mother.
Anyway, the ARP meetings have literally been a life saver for me. My husband couldn't udnerstand why I wanted to go... I wasn't the one with the problem. Actually, I was sort of hesitant myself... how would I feel? Would I feel uncomfortable? Just the opposite occured. Through the 12 steps that were discussed each meeting, I started to feel hope. I started to understand Christ's Atonement in a way that opened my eyes to goodness again. Goodness knows that I have set boundaries and limits and stuck to them, but those meetings are saving my sanity.
I still feel absolute helplessness at times. I still cry at times. However, I have learned to transfer my pains to the only person who can actually carry them, then learn how to become my best. This is hard. It is the hardest trial I will ever go through. My eternal companion is the most important person in this world to me, but he also has the right to make choices. My personal decisions have been made to go along with the limits. I gave my husband 6 months for my children. I gave my husband only 6 months to safeguard my children. My advice would be this: counsel with your church leaders, pray, and you'll know what to do that is best for your family. My prayers go out to you.
Posted at
May 21, 2008 12:15 PM
I am so sorry for the horror with which you live. You did not choose this but I know how it now colors your whole life. As a woman your reaction is to try to help and nurture your husband. That is so natural and what makes women so wonderful. Families are important and I hope and pray your sweet family makes it.
Here is the thing I have discovered in my similar experience; pornography like any sin is not only about addiction it is all about selfishness. Your husband likely finds ways to justify his addiction. I would ask you to be absolutely crystal clear in your communication with him about what his actions are doing to you. You owe yourself that much. Feel everything you are feeling and pray for help to not only feel all you need to feel but to act appropriately and ultimately forgive.
He needs to see and hear how his actions are affecting you and his children. He is likely so wrapped up in his own selfishness and warped sense of love that he really cannot understand how he has hurt you.
I know from experience the fear that being really expressive of your feelings (all of them not just the angry and negative feelings) may end up making your spouse feel bad or drive him to pornography or make you look foolish and vulnerable. Remember that pornography was his choice. He chooses that filth for you and your whole family. . Addicts love excuses and love to blame the addiction, but in my experience we can all be stronger than our addictions.
Give him a probation if you feel that is important. I would be careful about telling him. That may pit you against him in a way that he feels abandoned already and he will not even try. However it is absolutely right to set parameters of what you are willing to live with and what you can't. Remember too that if you leave him lots of things may get harder. Your children's little worlds will be shattered, you will be even more lonely, you will have less time with your children, and there will be more bad surprises. Your best chance of happiness is to exhaust every hope of him overcoming this problem. It is not a secret that troubled marriages that pull through our much happier than divorce.
You are right to say that you no longer desire intimacy if that is how you feel. You must find honesty in your own life and relationship. Tell him that you need to live in truth and while you see him lusting over and disrespecting the image of womanhood you cannot desire to give yourself to him. This is not being a bad wife, it is being absolutely true in your communications. He owes you the chance to grieve over years of shattered hopes. You have emotional needs too. He also needs to realize sex is a sacred form of communication to you and that while you love and care about him, this is hard right now. It doesn't mean you will never be intimate, but you need some time to trust. Healthy intimacy is all about trusting your partner.
Most importantly pray, pray hard, pray all of the time, and pray expecting the Lord's guidance. He loves you, your children, and your husband.
Posted at
May 21, 2008 2:49 PM
I wanted to share three books that have been extremely helpful.
Confronting Your Spouse's Pornography Problem
by Rory C. Reid
Clean Hands Pure Heart
by Philip A. Harrison
(my husband's favorite)
Lord I Believe, Help Thou Mine Unbelief
by Rod Jeppsen
I have found lots of help and understanding from these books and if a husband has a broken heart he will also want to learn from these authors. If possible try to read them together and I think your spouse will be grateful for the open communication that will follow. Secrets are the fuel that feed this addiction so turn the light on, encourage each other to open up emotionally and peace can follow if both partners are willing!
Posted at
May 22, 2008 11:06 AM
You mentioned that you are a church going family...Has it occurred to you that the sin your husband is perpetrating is not meant to be a personal offense of you, as hurtful and personal as it feels. I know the pain of which you speak. I also know that until your husband is ready to be done with this and realize that his sin, as all of our sin does, is seperating him from God, there is nothing you can say or do that will change his heart. That work has to be done from the inside out and only God can accomplish that. I would urge you to check out the Biblical Counseling Institute website at www.bcinstitute.com, and if/when your husband is ready, ask Dr. Abercrombie if there is someone he can refer him to in your area. The word will convict his heart, and the truth does set you free. I would also encourage you to check out the website and pray about whether it would be good for you to have support from someone trained through the BCI as well. You need to know and be confident in who you are in Him and have support to remind you of that when things seem dark. I am praying for you, your husband and your children. And I am confident that you will find your rest and peace in our Savior and Comforter.
Posted at
June 11, 2008 10:33 AM
BILL OF RIGHTS FOR WIVES OF PORN ADDICTS:
1. You have the right to keep porn out of your home. If he is going to do it, it will have to be away from home. All cable companies allow you to block movies by rating or by channel. You should be the keeper of the password. If he figures it out, change it. If you find his magazines or DVD's you have the right to throw them away. If he does it at night on the computer, discontinue your internet service or install a digital camera that faces the computer screen. If he has a problem with this tell him it is offensive and degrading to you and you won't allow it in your home, and you are taking precautions to ensure that it stays out. If he gets upset, too bad, he'll get over it.
2. You have the right to expect kindness and courtesy from him, no matter how bad his addiction is. When you see that "dark look," expect some chauvinistic treatment, but don't let it pass. Call him on it politely and lovingly. i.e. "I don't feel comfortable around you right now so I'm going to take a walk," or "Why did you use that tone of voice?" or "Why did you say such a mean thing?" or "Why did you think it was okay to do that?" As you learn to stand up to him assertively (but not aggressively) he will become more respectful, and more sure of his behavior boundaries.
3. You have the right to protect your children from porn at any cost. Set rules about what movies your family will see. When our kids were little it was only G and PG. Now that they are young adults it's PG-13, but no R's or X's. Keep in mind that if you were to divorce then your husband would get visitation rights and would be alone with your children and may expose them to porn. It may be better to tough it out until they are older.
4. You have the right to "Just Say No" to things he wants to do sexually which you find degrading or uncomfortable. Tell him, "Sorry, I won't enjoy that. Can we try this..?" You have the right to enjoy sex with him in order to fulfill your owm needs. Remember that it's his problem, not yours. He is the guilty one, not you. Married sex is not a crime or an addiction, it's an act of love that is healthy for both of you. If he gets rough or careless, tell him gently and immediately, or move his hand. If he does it more than once, end the sex and tell him it's uncomfortable. You have the right to insist on comfortable and enjoyable sex. If he gets upset, too bad. He'll get over it.
5. You have the right to politely require him to come out of his selfish little universe and think of his family. Set a weekly family time that can only be overidden in emergencies. Do what your family likes to do, and let him know you expect him to participate. Tell him, "This is what loving fathers do who care about their wives and children."
6. You have the right to ask him to leave if he won't agree to your rules. You can say, "YOu can stay here and do these rules or you can leave. You can come back any time you want to help me keep a loving home for our children. 99.99 % of husbands will do your rules rather than leave. Most men merely threaten divorce to get their way. If he says he wants to leave, say, "If you must, then go, but know that you are abandoning your wife and children." Tell him you expect him to continue to support you and the kids while living somewhere else. He will most likely back down. It takes courage to do this, but most wives find that they have no choice.
7. You have the right to be happy in spite of his bad choices. Cultivate good friends, hobbies that you enjoy, read books you like, etc. If he chooses to behave like an idiot, that's his problem, not yours.
8. You have the right to focus on his good qualities instead of his glaringly bad one. Most porn addicts are good fathers and good providers, but lousy husbands. Be thankful that he is employed, and that he doesn't beat you or the kids, and demand some personal attention now and then. If you divorce him you have only a 50% chance of finding a decent man who is not a porn addict, because 50% or more of men are just that.
9. You have the right to expect him to make it up to you. Expensive gifts, (if he can afford it) like a new car, or new appliances, can go a long way towards his effort to demonstrate that he still loves you in spite of his problem. If he doesn’t have money then backrubs, walks, and letting you choose what you’ll watch on TV can also help.
10. You have the right to ask him now and then how he is progressing in his fight to give up porn. If he doesn’t want to talk about it then he is probably still doing it, but this lets him know that you expect him to keep on trying to someday give women the respect they deserve. For more info visit www.Kidsread.net.
Posted at
June 11, 2008 6:55 PM
Your story mirrors mine. However, one vital difference is that my husband ended up molesting our eldest child as she hit puberty. He was prosecuted and went to prison for child sexual abuse. In discussing this with him after my daughter disclosed what happened, he admitted that he could not differentiate her from other "women." The depths of evil that had overtaken this once good man was devastating. Saddest of all was that I had truly loved him. He repaid that love by destroying his family, even after begging him repeatedly for nearly 15 years to get help for his pornography addiction. Be alert and protect your children, first and foremost. I didn't believe my husband capable of such an evil act, but I underestimated the power of porn.
Posted at
June 11, 2008 10:05 PM
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I have been married a little over 2 years. I am "considered" beautiful, I get hit on a lot still....but I hate myself, my body, I am insecure, and I am insecure in my marriage. WHY? I wasn't this way when I first got married. My husband seemed perfect, I thought I knew everything about him. Only 9 months into our marriage he told me he'd been looking at porn, It so didn't seem like him....I laughed and said "are you serious" (honestly thinking he was joking). He was serious, he said it was only once, he wanted to tell me right away and it wouldn't happen again. I respected him for coming and telling me, but I was devastated too....I told myself and my mom...this would never happen to me. You see, my mom didn't want me to turn out like her. My dad was a sex-aholic, he cheated on her a lot, was into porn, everything. And my dad actually had a good heart and was a good dad...but as many other men, he got sucked into the spiral addiction of sexual things promoted in our society, it became a real addiction. I saw it ruin my parents' marriage, and ruin my dad's soul and sense of self worth. My dad really ruined his life by having sex with ANYONE, and one lady recently wrongly convicted him of rape when she couldn't deal with her own guilt of having sex outside of marriage (something she had never done). So my dad is prison due to sex addiction and bad choices, I found out also when I was 15 that my little brother had been looking at porn and had become very depressed. He saw himself falling in my dad's steps, and he wanted out...but he was also addicted. After looking at porn he'd feel so awful about himself, he became very very depressed and very very suicidal. Yet, he couldn't find strength to quit looking. After all I'd been through with my own family, It was hard to believe my husband had been looking at porn. He even said "it has nothing to do with our sex. Our sex is great. And you are great, you are beautiful, it has nothing to do with you. " But if you put yourself in a woman's shoes....how can she not take it personally. You try to get all beautifuled up every day for this man....we were having sex twice a week or more, something he suggested and I made priority because I loved him and wanted him satisfied sexually as well. Yet, he seeks out other bodies on the internet and lusts after them? Also, after he first told me, for months after that he claimed he hadn't looked again, and even accused me of being too paranoid so therefor, I might ruin the marriage. Yet, one day I snuck up his parents stairs as we were there late one night and he thought I was asleep...this was 6 months after he first told me, and I was scarred to see naked disgusting images on the screen. I have never shaken so hard. I fell to ground. MY stomach wouldn't stop churning. It was sick...it was so sick to me and so painful... those woman weren't me....it was so hurtful beyond description. And worst off, he'd been lying, of course, all those months when he said I was just "paranoid." Since then he's been working on his problem, but hasn't been honest with me completely, still! And though he distances himself from computers and we do not have internet, he will stop into bookstores when he should be working to look at magazines that have soft porn, like Maxim and Stuff. Many addicts lie about their problem so they can continue to feed the addiction. They become addicts and liars. Though we have worked on our relationship and things have improved a lot... there are still days I feel paranoid and worried of what else my husband may or may not lie about. I can't trust him or myself because my mind churns worrying about what he could be doing. This isn't what marriage is supposed to be. I don't believe my husband foresaw this happening either, this wasn't in either of our plans, yet many MANY marriages and relationships suffer this. Porn and addiction is sweeping over our society and the media lets it all in. Families and hearts are being torn to pieces. This is not a pity story for me - Goodness, my story is among THOUSANDS, if not MILLIONS. I've read many stories already. Its a scary, scary epidemic in our society, and it is truly ruining women - whether you are the naked woman in the picture, who has totally desensitized herself, or demeaned herself, or your the woman on the other side who's family and marriage is falling apart. Sad...sad......sad....I hope my marriage makes it. Thank God we haven't had kids yet. Labels: addiction, adultery, brothers, depression, devestation, distrust, divorce, emotional pain, everyone is affected, family, fathers, honesty, internet, lies, pornography, sexual addiction, spouse
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My story begins 4 1/2 years ago when I met my current boyfriend. He was 37 at the time, and married, and I was only 19. For whatever reason, being young and naive, I agreed to having an affair with him. Two months later, his wife found out and they subsequently got divorced. For 3 years, I didn't know he had a secret life. We had frequent arguments over anything and everything and I occasionally had thoughts of leaving him, but I always stayed. It wasn't until just over a year ago that I realized that he was turning to pornography every time he felt "rejected" by me. Last March I confronted him after realizing he was sending money orders via internet to women who would perform in front of a webcam for him. He denied everything and became upset that I would even think he would do such a thing. Two months later, I caught him again, doing the same thing, and he finally admitted to it. He said he had been "scared" before and was afraid I would leave if I knew that he had spent nearly $1,000 on these women. I was devastated and tried to leave, but for whatever reason, I decided to stay. In September, I caught him having erotic chats online and I moved out for a couple days. But for whatever reason, I returned and our relationship went right back to the way it was. He was convinced he had his addiction beat and he would do anything to keep me by his side. It only lasted a month...and I started realizing he was at it again--viewing porn and having erotic chats. I pretended I didn't know, pretended that I could ignore the problem...but 3 weeks ago I started packing my stuff. I couldn't take it anymore. He was viewing everything from bestiality, to incest, to pictures of young children in bathing suits. He told me that everything I had saw was just out of curiosity...but I don't believe him. Yes, I'm still here, but we are not "together" right now. I am seeking counseling to help me with my self-esteem issues and give me the courage to move on. Labels: addiction, adultery, pornography, prostitution, spouse, unfaithful
Please leave him. Leave and never look back. The fact that he was unfaithful to his wife coupled with how young you are and what he has looked at means he is very sick and not to be trusted. He is a danger to everyone he comes in cantact with. Call the authorities and turn over his computer to them if you feel strong enough. For your own well being sever all ties with him as soon as possible! Do not warn him - just get a plan together and follow it. This is not a person capable of being a full partner in a loving relationship. You are still young and there is lots of hope. Leave, take some time for yourself and wait for a while before you get into another relationship. When you get in another relationship look for someone who will give more to you, who is your age, someone interested in marrying you, and someone honorable, this guy obviously wasn't.
You need to heal so keep gettting help. Your self-esteem must be shot but you need to know that you are worth the work to get out of this situation. You prpbably feel some guilt for your involvement with him and the break up of his marriage. It was all bad but you were so young. He knew better.
Pray for strenghth. Through this experience you must realize that Satan is real. You need to trust that God is real too. Pray for stength, pray for guidence...it will come. Pray for peace and act in a way to help it come. May God bless you in this great time of need. He loves you and will help you. Trust those instincts He has given you.
Posted at
April 21, 2008 1:44 PM
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How do I begin? Many things have happened throughout our marriage. My husband have repeatedly tried to leave the marriage. The last time he tried, I accepted his decision. But then he decided to stay. Is it permanent? I don't have that answer. I was told many times that I did not have the nice beautiful body that guys desire. Why didn't I leave him for making me feel ugly, for insulting me? The best answer that I can give right now is - after a while, I believe him. One of our problems right now is his addiction to online pornography. He is no longer interested in having sex with me. Our sex life has always been an issue. I always felt inferior to the pictures in his magazines and other women that he knows. I want to get some professional help. But, it's hard to find good help in this matter where we live. So, I decided to write here instead. It helps me to imagine that someone is listening to me. I desperately need to share the pain and sadness that I feel inside with somebody, anybody! I welcome any advise or comment. I hope to be able to write again soon. Labels: addiction, communication, depression, distrust, pornography, spouse
The proffessional person t help you is you.
One is to change the way you have decided to look at yourself because of how your husband looks at you and keeps comparing you. Its hard i know but possible and it begins from you inside.Start looking at your self not incomparison to the pictures its a slow process but slowly you will overcome the inferiosity part of you and you will be able to help your husband look at you the way you look at your self and also appreciate you.
Posted at
April 23, 2008 10:32 AM
The fact that he stayed when you accepted him to leave and he came back shows he loves you and you could make your marriage better if you could start looking at you self as something of value a TREASURE and that will help him drop his comparisons and focus on you because you love yourself.
its all in your mind and all you have to do is have a positive mind set.
Posted at
April 23, 2008 10:38 AM
Thank you for sharing some of your experience with your husband and pornography. I am so sorry as I am sure many who have been able to read your message. I have been so so sad this past year for similiar reasons. I lost a bunch of weight from feeling so overwhelmed and rejected by my husband's choices. I am 46 so it is difficult to feel adequate when I am aware of all the 'other' woman he enjoys dreaming about. Time has helped and pray, scripture study and a good friend/listening ear has made all the difference for me. There is a spiritual reality that is so different than the carnal world some men choose to dwell on. Good Luck! As woman we need to love and support each other. Unfortunately I have come to understand that LOTS OF WOMAN SHARE THIS BURDEN!
Posted at
May 2, 2008 8:16 PM
My heart goes out to you for your trials with your husband. Pornography is an addiction and it will be very difficult for your husband to abandon this addiction without a desire to do so and some good help along the way. My husband has this addiction and I don't believe he will ever be able to abandon it completely, but he has never wanted to leave our marriage - I was the one to do that. After I learned about the effect his addiction has had on our children (who are all adults now), I became so angry that I left him for about 1 1/2 years. Through counseling and soul searching and the power of God, I finally came to a point where I was able to forgive him. I am now 62 years old and we are together again. He is a good man who happens to have an addiction to pornography. I still love him, but in a different way than I did when we were first married.
May God watch over you and help you to be able to deal with your situation. You are cherished by Him and He loves you more than you can even imagine, and He wants you to be happy.
Posted at
June 11, 2008 10:38 AM
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My story is long and sad. I've been married to my husband for 20 years. He's an alcoholic and a sex addict. He quit drinking 10 years ago and we both thought our lives would change. Of course, with no alcohol, things are much better. With the sexual addiction though, something more insidious has ruined our marriage. I used to "catch him" hiding porn, taping stuff off t.v., gaping at other women out in public. In fact, I used to try to catch him. I gave up on that several years ago as it became apparent I didn't have to try, that given enough time I would always accidentally catch him. After years of suffering,my womanhood destroyed, I began to realize he is very sick. So sick that I can't even imagine. He has spells where he does well but I can always feel when he is slipping back in. He's in one of those dark times right now. The long term affects of this has been a destruction of our sweet love we once shared. I'm beginning to not care about him and I hate that. I'm beginning to not care what he does at all. There was a time when I thought we would give our lives for each other, but he had his own needs to look after, that were more important than our relationship. For the first time in 20 years I find that I don't want him to touch me anymore. It feels dirty. I feel like I'm being used or he's having sex with me just to keep me around as I feel he prefers masturbation. About two weeks ago I was thinking about joining a gym so I could swim. I told him that I wondered if I got a part-time job there, if I could get a membership free. I had been thinking of getting a part-time job anyway and that way I could get the gym with it. He thought that was hilarious. He laughed and laughed. When I asked him what was so funny, he said they only hire "fit" women in those places and if I applied there they would just laugh at me. For the first time I realized he has compared me to his fantasy women and I indeed have come up short. He has rejected me but doesn't have the courage or manhood to tell me that he has chosen paper/ink and t.v. whores over the woman who gave her life for him. The pain I feel is indescribable, as all the pain I've endured for the last 20 years has coalesced into a fine, piercing point & now I know I have lost the battle for the love of my life. My poor sick husband thinks he's better than me. He mind has become so twisted in his indulgences, that he no longer sees me as his beautiful, loving bride; but now I have become some gross laughing stock that can't even get a job as a janitor in a gym. I wish I could say my love was strong enough, to go through another bout of suffering through his addictions, but I'm not. I'm done. I'm going to have to pick up the pieces of my life and move on. Labels: addiction, depression, devestation, distrust, emotional pain, fathers, internet, pornography, sexual addiction, spouse, television
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I also after 21 years am giving up on my marriage. I suggest you go see a couselor. The first things are husband's do is blame us for the fact that they have this addiction. Afer all if we kept them happy they wouldn't stray. Don't buy into this. God created you and He wants us to be treated with honor and respect,. Just remember people treat us the way we allow them to. I know how much it hurts. I feel like I just can't go on. Take each minute at a time if you have to. Just remember God loves you and He will take care of you. Let go of your husband. Pray for him. Only God can help him with this sickness. There is nothing you can do but realize you need to work on loving yourself.
Posted at
March 13, 2008 11:41 AM
Your story has touched me deeply. It brought tears to my eyes. I have been experiencing similar issues, just a bit different. You are a strong woman. I wish you all the best in everything that you decide to do.
Posted at
March 20, 2008 10:34 PM
Oh my gawd!!!! Fly free little bird, you where meant for far greater things, no longer myre yourself in someones addictive behaviour and once you set yourself free then take the time to take a serious look at how addicted you are to your victim role. You can live a wonderfully fullfilling life, you too can learn to love yourself from the inside out, you are a divine being so start treating yourself that way by #1 getting the heck out of that toxic relationship with your husband then get on board with some inner cleansing. much luck to you and make sure you get some help....try your local womens shelter or womens center....they have heard it all and have lots of resources to help you. all the best.
Posted at
April 23, 2008 9:02 PM
Let me begin by saying that I feel desperately for you, though I cannot begin to understand the pain you have endured. I hope and pray that you might find healing and wholeness somehow in the future. You are a victim of a horrible plague that is eating away at the roots of our society. But know this: the love your husband felt for you as he pledged his heart to you in marriage was real, and I daresay that love is still alive in his heart today. It may be buried and locked away, frozen hard, but it is still there i believe, just awaiting the day when the cancer that surrounds it is destroyed. What you have been subjected to no woman deserves - but however hard it is, you have to understand that the one to blame for your pain is not your husband, it is the sin that has him bound in chains. Know that your husband feels pain too, and crushing shame, though he will not easily admit it. And know too, that there is hope for him to be rescued from his slimy pit. I was.
God bless you my dear.
Posted at
April 28, 2008 4:09 AM
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As a young child I suffered abuse by being exposed to pornography repeatedly by my step father. I feel robbed of healthy sexuality. I was taught by pornography that a woman’s value lies in her ability to sexually attract men. Pornography does not teach men and women that sex is about intimacy, connectedness, love or commitment. What pornography teaches is that women are objects of sexual pleasure for men and do not deserve respect or love. As a grown married woman imagine my disbelief when I discovered my husband was (and still is) addicted to pornography. The pain is overwhelming when you begin to feel that you are not enough to keep your husbands attention. As your husbands eyes scan with lust over other women on the street, in restaurants and other public spaces your self-esteem retreats and you are left as an empty shell. You begin to retreat from your own life feeling defeated and in emotional pain. I’ve lost my vigor for life, my faith in God and the dream that life held something special for me. All there is – constant worrying that yet again I will find my husband posting adds on dating sites, browsing the singles adds, spending hours of time looking for that ultimate sexual image and wasting his life in pursuit of false intimacy. So you see, those that claim, “Pornography is no big deal” have never walked a mile in my shoes. They have never had to instill value in themselves because an adult robbed them of true self-worth. Every day another child is exposed to pornography and every day another child is taught that their value lies in external sexuality and lust. As they become adults with their own families, they will be left by themselves with a web of lies to untangle. Some, sadly, will repeat the patterns they learned and another generation will be robbed of wholeness. Labels: addiction, public issues, sexual abuse, spouse
The testimony is sad but true. Pornography influences individual minds which in turn affects the whole culture after a period of time. Pornography continues to feed the mindset of the culture that women are only worth the physical pleasure they bring to men. Up against this mindset, no wonder women feel inadequate. Real sex is no longer about intimacy, nor is it exciting. To a porn addict, real sex is just like bad porn.
I wrote a blog about this commenting on Naomi Wolf's "Porn Myth": http://blogs.covenanteyes.com/2008/02/07/feminist-appeal-comments-about-the-porn-myth/
Luke Gilkerson
Internet Community Manager
Covenant Eyes
Posted at
February 22, 2008 11:15 AM
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When I was 20 years old I married a young man who had a very serious addiction to pornography. Unfortunately pornography desensitizes a person and can lead him or her to inflict mental, emotional, physical, and sexual abuse upon others, all of which I endured from my husband. His pornography problem continued to progress throughout our marriage as well did the abuse. After almost two years of being married, my self worth was incredibly low and I could not make myself leave my marriage for my own sake. Although I truly believed how worthless that my husband told me that I was, I knew that I could not have children with him and allow them to be hurt. So I filed for a divorce. Though I did have to file a restraining order for a while, eventually I was able to remove him from my life altogether. Shortly thereafter, I was baptized a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints at the age of 22. The people who know me now say that they would never have known that I had ever been a victim of the things that I have described to you. As a result of my faith in the Lord, my family as well as my church family and friends, daily scripture study and prayers, LDS Counseling Services, following the counsel of my great church leaders, and attending the temple, and by believing that there is so much good in the world and by wanting to be a contributor of it, I have indeed become whole and happy again. I am now about to graduate with a bachelor's degree in English and then I hope to go to law school so that I may practice family law and help fight pornography, abuse, and sex trafficking. In the book entitled Believing Christ written by Stephen E. Robinson, he states in Chapter six, on page 123: (Referring to Christ) He knows the private hell of the abused child or spouse. He knows all these things personally and intimately because he lived them in the Gethsemane experience." Matthew 11:28 states: "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." The Savior truly loves us so much and I love him very much. Thankfully, every marriage does not have to end like mine. There is great hope in recovery for many individuals who struggle with pornography addiction. I believe that any victim of pornography - that includes the person addicted to pornography and loved ones affected by it - can become whole and happy again. May we all recognize the devastation that pornography is causing in so many lives, and the decency to the world that can be restored by taking a stand against pornography. Labels: addiction, spouse
It is so true. Faith does help to overcome the pain and it also helps set the addict free!
I wrote a portion of my testimony on our company's blog: http://blogs.covenanteyes.com/2008/02/20/how-a-porn-addict-found-hope-between-the-altar-and-the-door/
Accountability plays a significant role unbinding those who are bound in sexual sin.
Luke Gilkerson
Internet Community Manager
Covenant Eyes
Posted at
February 22, 2008 11:09 AM
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I am glad to find this website and to know that there is help and hope for families struggling with this problem. My introduction to this disease really began when our church sponsored a workshop on pornography and my husband of 13 years encouraged me to go. I took the information home and discussed it with him. The next day, following tips from the workshop, I performed a scan on our computer, not expecting anything but wanting to be sure, as we have an adolescent son. Of course, page after page of material turned up in the scan. I panicked at first, thinking of my son, but the times matched up to time my husband was alone in the house. I confronted my husband, and he confessed everything. He had been addicted to pornography for the past ten years. He was hoping I would catch him, because he was not strong enough to tell me himself. He was willing to do whatever it took to leave the addiction behind. We received help and counseling from our clergy, and we went through a twelve-step program on our own using a manual. I made two decisions early on that, I think, greatly increased our chances for success. First, I decided not to let my pride and hurt feelings get in the way of his recovery. It was not about me, and recognizing that made dealing with the whole thing easier. Second, I decided to be very confidential. Besides our clergy, I told only my father, who I turned to for advice and help throughout the ordeal. I did not tell my mother, my siblings, my neighbors, or my friends. I got the support I needed, but I did not burden others with an offence they might not be prepared to forgive. I did not damage my husband's reputation in the eyes of those he cares about. I love my husband, and I am profoundly in love with him. He has been restored, in my eyes, and I rarely think of the addiction that once horrified me. It has been three years today since I confronted him. The first year was very difficult, but also transformative. We weathered the storm together, and it has made us stronger. It has made me a better parent to my children, more compassionate and patient. It has opened my eyes to the danger can be in the lives of those we love, and to the mercy and power of God to heal us. I hope, if you are reading this, you will find the comfort and solace you are looking for in your life. It is such a private problem. There are times I long to tell people what a growth experience this has been for me, how I have changed, how it has made me better. But my loyalty to my husband keeps me from reaching out. I am glad to do this anonymously. There are complete success stories, you just don't hear about them. God loves you and your loved one and you both can find healing and peace. Labels: addiction, family, fathers, spouse, Strengthening Our Marriage, Success
Thank you so much for your story. Wow, you are such a strong woman. I completely relate to your feelings about wanting to reach out and share your story but not doing it because you are so loyal to your husband. I admire that greatly. Your story has already helped me as I'm sure it will many others. Thank you.
Posted at
January 25, 2008 4:19 PM
Once, I too believed in keeping my husband's addiction quiet and confidential out of loyalty to him and our marriage. I must say now, that nine years later, I did myself and my marriage a huge disservice. I cut out a support network for myself and I was dying inside. It shows on the outside. Within the last 7 months, all of my siblings have noticed something not quite right with my marriage and over half of them guessed it was a porn addiction in my husband. It does affect me in a huge and horrible way. I have been going to ARP (a women's group) through my church and there, I have found safety and peace. I know I am not alone, I am a good person, the Lord does love me and my efforts have been good. Having my family know, and his too, along with a few friends, has helped me immensely. I believe in the power of prayer and I feel strength from the prayers offered for me, my husband and my family. My husband can no longer turn his bad choices on me. He can no longer hide behind me. I no longer feel complete guilt and shame over his choices.My husband has thrived on the secrecy. I believe as a wife, you are the best judge of your husband's progress or lack of. I am finally facing the truth in my own marriage---I see the lack of light in my husband's eyes. I recognize the words that are mere words to calm me down and keep me around. My husband now questions whether he is even an addict. I now recognize the cycles he goes through and the lies that keep coming around. I call them lies because nothing has gotten better. Once I thought he would overcome this addiction and now I wonder if he's really hit rock bottom and really wants to.
I am happy for you. It's a wonderful thing to witness the Atonement bless someone's life.
Posted at
June 11, 2008 11:38 AM
Amen to comment #2. It took me several years to realize that I needed to talk to someone about my husbands addiction. I was losing my identity by hiding his problems. I couldn't be my real self because is was covering up for his addiction to protect him. I was not looking out for my own emotional health. This only dragged me down. I came to a point where I knew I could no longer hold in the secret I was carrying. I needed to talk with someone. His cycles were bringing me down.
Since I have communicated with family and very close friends, I have been able to recover my identity and realize that I can no longer "carry" my husband by hiding his addiction. He is the one responsible for his choices so he is the only one who can fix them. I can't. He has to do it! I feel free now that I won't/can't carry him anymore by 'helping' him hide it. This may sound harsh but it has helped relieve me of his burden.
Posted at
June 11, 2008 11:02 PM
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My dad was a bright boy - the kind that struggles in school because they're not challenged. He eventually dropped out and entered the military. He was very proud of his military career, however, and worked very hard at it. A debilitating illness stole his eyesight at a young age, and he found himself unemployed and unemployable, and with a young family. He was devastated and fell into depression. He had decided as a young man that there was no God, and that religion was only a crutch for the weak-minded. So when these life-changing events occurred, he literally had nothing to help him through it. He turned to the only thing that brought him comfort: his pornography. About this time he started abusing and molesting my younger sister. I found out a couple of years later, but I was a teenager and didn't know what to do. I have since found out that since I wasn't the actual victim, there wasn't really anything I or anyone I told could do. The victims were questioned informally about it (possibly both my sisters were molested, I never was sure about the second one), and both denied it. So, in legal terms, "If there's no victim, then there's no crime." Except there was a crime. Even though I was never molested, I feel like I've suffered. I had emotional turmoil for years (counseling helped - I highly recommend it), had a lot of anger, and issues with self-image. And I almost feel like I don't have the right to feel the pain, because I wasn't the victim. It's been hard, having a story to tell, except that I don't have the right to tell it because it's not my story. I remember as a teen knowing that my mom probably didn't know, and not knowing how to tell her. I ended up just withdrawing and staying in my room all the time. One thing that helped me get through those very lonely years was God. It really helped when I'd pray, I could feel His love. That has helped me through my whole life. And our story is different from other stories I've read because there was no violence or threats. My sister was seduced, and to this day is not only not angry with my dad (who has since died), but even feels that his excommunication from the church was somehow her fault. My father abused my sister for over 10 years, into her first marriage. She has seen her life destroyed. Her marriage broke up and she lost guardianship of her two children, who are now grown. She copes by being a very shallow person. She accepts people on the surface, makes excuses for everyone, and just deals with life one day at a time. Pornography is not allowed in my home. And the hardest thing in the world has been to deal with my own teenage boys, who investigate the porn that is freely offered and easily available to today's youth, who have so much more time to spend looking for it than their caring parents have to protect them from it. I haven't told my kids about my family. It's just too much ugliness, and we're all just trying to move on and leave it in the past. But I question my choice when I tell my teenage son pornography is bad, and he spits back at me, "That's your opinion." Oh no it's not. It's fact. And my whole family has the scars to prove it. Labels: addiction, brothers, children, depression, divorce, everyone is affected, family, internet, pornography, sexual abuse, spouse
Tell your kids. The mistake that all of us make is not communicating things and letting it all out when it's already too late. Tell them before hand so they know the ramifications of the things they view and do. They will have an appropriate perspective before having to address these things and take tabs from everyone else but you.
Posted at
January 18, 2008 11:35 AM
Where does everyone think that rape, sexual abuse of children, and adultry stem from!? FROM PORNOGRAPHY!!!! Wake up idiots! Those evils would decrease by probably 99.9% If there was no pornography! People grow to accustom to it's effects, and then it's just not enough for them anymore.
Posted at
January 18, 2008 3:18 PM
i can understand not wanting to share such atrocities with your children. it is understandable that you would want to protect them from anything you could. unfortunately, your family's history with using pornography will affect them just the same, whether or not they know the reason, and knowing the reason may help them to eschew the culprit, pornography, before it is too late and another generation is destroyed. my grandfather was a secret addict, as was my father and now, no surprise, the addiction has its talons deep in my younger brother. telling your children their history gives them the dignity of all important information so they do not proceed unawares and fall into trecherous territory.
Posted at
January 18, 2008 3:47 PM
Tell your kids. I feel like the kids today can handle it and maybe they can learn from other's mistakes. It will give them something to think about if they feel the chains of porn/lust start to take away their self worth. They are exposed to so much on the internet, tv, movies and talk at school. Porn and abuse feeds off secrets and lies. We need insightful young men today so give your boys a chance to stand up for good. Just an idea and I feel it is always good to check with people that know you and your family.
Posted at
July 1, 2008 7:11 AM
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Perhaps, although probably too late for me, this story will help others. My life involving pornography began in the mid 60's, when there was not much knowledge of the problem or hope for help. I married the man of my dreams and we had many positive aspects to our marriage. It was a sweet enough relationship to bring seven children into this world. However, I, like others express in their stories, knew something was wrong, but it was 10 years into our marriage until I found out what it was. When discovered at age 12, he was told not to talk about it, yet talk was what we both needed. I would have seen us through, but he decided I couldn't and after affairs finally left. I do not claim to have been a perfect wife, but I loved my husband with all my heart and still do. My life and the lives of my children have all been impacted by his addiction to pornography. Yes, he tried to keep 'it' from us, but it is impossible to keep the effects on one's life, one's disposition, one's inner spirit, one's escape mechanisms from affecting those around us. Many of our children have struggled with their own addictions, but hopefully have overcome . . . I don't know, for they, too, have learned to not talk about their problems. My heart aches, and I write only to encourage those involved to TALK (One counselor told me that 85% of those who communicated -- shared in overcoming the problem made it -- only 35% of those who did not talk made it)-- GET IT OUT IN THE OPEN -- GET HELP. DON'T EMBRACE THE LIE THAT THIS IS JUST THE WAY I AM. MINDS CAN BE CHANGED. LIVES CAN BE CLEANED. GOOD LUCK!! Labels: addiction, early addiction, family, pornography, spouse, unfaithful
Thank you so much for your encouraging words. Accountability is really one of the best tools for those who are trying to break free from addiction (http://blogs.covenanteyes.com/2008/01/24/why-accountability-part-1/).
I work for Covenant Eyes, a company that makes Internet accountability software for those who want greater integrity with their Internet usage. It is so rewarding to read testimony after testimony from those who have found freedom in confession and removing the anonymity of Internet usage.
God bless!
Posted at
January 31, 2008 12:41 PM
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I knew before I even married my husband that he had struggled with pornography, but he gave me every impression that the struggle was in the past. He seemed genuinely focused on fighting against it and so firm in his faith, and we ended up getting married in May of 2002. Well, not long into our marriage, I found out that he had indeed been looking at porn even once we were married. Fortunately, it was something he told me, relucta | | | |