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My husband is a sex addicted. I discovered his addiction nine months ago. I was checking our account I found out a big transfer of money to our credit card. I was curious about it. There were several purchases on the credit card to a Spa service. It was by my house and I went down there to check out about the place and why my husband paid $200 dollars just two days previously. (read the rest of the story... click here)My husband is a sex addicted. I discovered his addiction nine months ago. I was checking our account I found out a big transfer of money to our credit card. I was curious about it. There were several purchases on the credit card to a Spa service. It was by my house and I went down there to check out about the place and why my husband paid $200 dollars just two days previously.
My heart was broken in millions of pieces, when I saw the girl that worked at the place. I was devastated to talk to them. They told me my husband was a regular customer for parlor massages. I looked all over my house but found nothing. No magazines, no other evidence.
After a check of the computer I found it was in full of porn. I called my husband to confront him, he didn't deny it, he told me the truth. He had been paying for prostitutes for three years. It was so painful that almost left him on the spot.
He promised he would look for help and is seeing a therapist and is involved in a 12 step recovery program for sex addicts. On his own word he has been "sober" since that day.
It is been hard for me and my child. He is doing well not to look at the computer at home. But my thoughts about his betrayal, that he slept with numerous girls during those three years is killing my love for him. He says he will not do it again he will be faithful to me and be a great dad. But my trust is gone, because he acts like nothing happened. He said to me "you can leave the past in the past and enjoy the present".
I do not how to deal with my pain, I’m doing everything for my baby because I grew up in house with out a father I don’t one my son to grow up with out one. I’m scared because we have to move to different country and I’m not sure that he will really change. I don’t what to do? Do I leave with him or get divorce and continue my life alon? Labels: addiction, adultery, children, depression, distrust, divorce, emotional pain, fathers, financial, internet, lies, pornography, prostitution, sexual addiction, unfaithful, young mothers
Wow, what a tough situation. You have to do what you really feel deep down will be best. If I were in your situation though, I don't think I'd trust him enough to leave the country with him, especially since he seems to show no remorse for his actions. You can raise your baby to be happy and nurtured as a single mom. Many women do it.
Like I said, look deep down and decide if you still love and can trust him anymore. God bless you, I hope everything will turn out well.
Posted at
July 9, 2008 9:51 AM
I was involved in a similar situation. I chose to stay with him for several years. I found that he never changed his ways, he just became more secretive. He would keep assuring me that there were, "no more secrets."
Finally, after years of punishing myself in this situation, I gained the strength to make him leave. I got myself checked for STD's and started taking care of myself because I had spent every waking hour fully financially supporting him (and his addiction, it turns out) and worrying myself.
Four years later, I find myself quite happy. I took an entire year off from dating any man, as I needed time for myself and I needed to get my head on straight so I would have the confidence to make an appropriate decision in another husband.
Well, I have found him. I can not tell you the blessings I have had in my life with an honest, clean man. We are very open with each other, and he treats me like a queen. I know by how he looks at me, and treats me that he truely loves me (that wasn't the case before). Marriage is never without its trials, but they are so much easier if both partners value faithfullness.
It was hard to end the marriage at first, because I did not have the self esteem, but it was well worth it! I have taken all that worry time, traveled the world, and I am now venturing on a new degree!
Life is never withouth trials, but it is a whole lot of fun if you have a loyal, loving, partner!
In fact, last week, after speaking at a public event, somebody in the community (who knew my x and I) told my father how impressed he was with how I turned out dispite the terrible things that had happened to me. I take pride in working hard to get to this point. I am respected, and I deserve it. You and your child deserve it too.
Posted at
July 9, 2008 11:06 AM
I am so sorry for how your husband has betrayed you. He should be sorry too. If he is not, that may be part of your answer. Have you explained your feelings? You need him to know how he has hurt you. This pain will not go away for a long time if you stay with him. It will be painful if you leave too. I am not saying you should leave or stay...only you can decide that, but if you stay his very presence will tear at your heart. If he cares about you or is sorry he should respect that and feel horrible .
Is there any way you could stay where you are or near friends and family with the baby while he leaves? You will need a lot of support at a time like this. Do you have any? Leaving your friends and loved ones now will put you in an even more vulnerable position. You are important and so are your feelings. How do you want your son's Mother to be treated? May God bless you with strength of conviction and peace of mind. I pray that you will see your own incredible value as a Mother, as a woman, and as a child of God.
Posted at
July 9, 2008 11:16 AM
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My story begins 4 1/2 years ago when I met my current boyfriend. He was 37 at the time, and married, and I was only 19. For whatever reason, being young and naive, I agreed to having an affair with him. Two months later, his wife found out and they subsequently got divorced. For 3 years, I didn't know he had a secret life. We had frequent arguments over anything and everything and I occasionally had thoughts of leaving him, but I always stayed. It wasn't until just over a year ago that I realized that he was turning to pornography every time he felt "rejected" by me. Last March I confronted him after realizing he was sending money orders via internet to women who would perform in front of a webcam for him. He denied everything and became upset that I would even think he would do such a thing. Two months later, I caught him again, doing the same thing, and he finally admitted to it. He said he had been "scared" before and was afraid I would leave if I knew that he had spent nearly $1,000 on these women. I was devastated and tried to leave, but for whatever reason, I decided to stay. In September, I caught him having erotic chats online and I moved out for a couple days. But for whatever reason, I returned and our relationship went right back to the way it was. He was convinced he had his addiction beat and he would do anything to keep me by his side. It only lasted a month...and I started realizing he was at it again--viewing porn and having erotic chats. I pretended I didn't know, pretended that I could ignore the problem...but 3 weeks ago I started packing my stuff. I couldn't take it anymore. He was viewing everything from bestiality, to incest, to pictures of young children in bathing suits. He told me that everything I had saw was just out of curiosity...but I don't believe him. Yes, I'm still here, but we are not "together" right now. I am seeking counseling to help me with my self-esteem issues and give me the courage to move on. Labels: addiction, adultery, pornography, prostitution, spouse, unfaithful
Please leave him. Leave and never look back. The fact that he was unfaithful to his wife coupled with how young you are and what he has looked at means he is very sick and not to be trusted. He is a danger to everyone he comes in cantact with. Call the authorities and turn over his computer to them if you feel strong enough. For your own well being sever all ties with him as soon as possible! Do not warn him - just get a plan together and follow it. This is not a person capable of being a full partner in a loving relationship. You are still young and there is lots of hope. Leave, take some time for yourself and wait for a while before you get into another relationship. When you get in another relationship look for someone who will give more to you, who is your age, someone interested in marrying you, and someone honorable, this guy obviously wasn't.
You need to heal so keep gettting help. Your self-esteem must be shot but you need to know that you are worth the work to get out of this situation. You prpbably feel some guilt for your involvement with him and the break up of his marriage. It was all bad but you were so young. He knew better.
Pray for strenghth. Through this experience you must realize that Satan is real. You need to trust that God is real too. Pray for stength, pray for guidence...it will come. Pray for peace and act in a way to help it come. May God bless you in this great time of need. He loves you and will help you. Trust those instincts He has given you.
Posted at
April 21, 2008 1:44 PM
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My husband developed a pornography and sex addiction that escalated to prostitution. Lying and deceit abounded. Yet, committed were we both to overcoming the awful ramifications. I didn't know how it would work but I knew that I wanted to try as hard as I could. I felt that it was God's will that families be together. I prayed and had faith that if God (and my husband) were willing, that I could be alright enough to keep going too. I know that isn't the outcome for many, and I wouldn't want to judge another in as devastating a situation. Just as I didn't know how it would work out, I may not ever know whether he's really free of the addiction or not. Trust is something you'll have to learn to live without for a while, all you precious women suffering from something like this right now. My heart goes out to you -- truly. All I can really say is how I'm feeling and what I think of my marriage, and this much I think is true: For six years I suffered and struggled feeling that something was terribly missing. I rationalized marriage was just not all I hoped and imagined it would be. Then my husband confessed. He was very humble and sincere and it was all actually a relief and kind of endearing to me -- beyond the painfulness, of course. I thought, oh good, that was why things felt wrong and now they'll be good again. Then he was more deceitful and cruel and emotionally abusive than ever before upon subsequent failures and relapses. It wasn't as easy as either of us expected. But six years later today, none of those things are missing that I longed for in the beginning and the father of my children is my husband because of our unwaivering commitment not to give up, but to keep going together and overcome, and because of the atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ. Things can eventually become OK, no matter how difficult. Someone once said to me, "Everything turns out in the end, and if it hasn't turned out yet, it's not the end." Listen closely and follow the promptings of the Holy Spirit for you, but if those promptings entice you to keep hanging in there, do so the best you can remembering that things will be OK in the end and striving to feel Heavenly Father's love for you -- and even your husband -- to keep you going in the meantime. All's truly well that ends well, thanks to the grace of God! Labels: children, distrust, family, lies, pornography, prostitution, unfaithful
After nearly 40 years of marriage and many children, I also learned why "marriage wasn't what I thought it would be": his addiction to pornography and prostitutes.BUT my husband didn't want to make real changes; he just wanted to cry and promise in order to get back into our home where he would be able to again have ours as well as his 'other life' through more lies and better cover up. The divorce is in process; I am at peace at last!
Posted at
January 17, 2008 12:15 PM
After nearly 40 years of marriage and many children, I learned at last why "marriage just wasn't what I thought it would be": his addiction to porn and eventual prostitution. He didn't really want to change; just pretend he already had and it would "never happen again", but he refused to do the hard work of counseling and complete personal and financial honesty-- chose divorce instead. Divorce proceeding; it's hard, but I'm at peace at last! It's OK to know it's time to go--and you'll be blessed and survive and thrive.
Posted at
January 17, 2008 12:24 PM
Thanks for your story. You are braver than me. I don't think our marriage would survive a relapse, but it is strong and happy now, after similiar "escalation". It's nice to hear of other success stories-I truly believe Christ can change us
Posted at
January 17, 2008 8:11 PM
Thank you for giving me some hope. No, not all situations do end up working out. I think it depends on if the husband is at least willing to really work at his problem and commit to being honest and to avoid the problem. Even if they fall, its okay if they at least have honesty and commitment to try.
I really needed to read you story because I have lost all hope recently. I don't want divorce, nor I am looking into getting divorce papers, but when I look into my future,Its like I see divorce. I don't picture the problem being gone. I have felt so alone, scared, and hopeless. Its hard to not become convinced that this addiction is uncurable, its something he'll always have so I should just leave now and spare myself a lifetime of pain. But some stories tell that there are victories...so I guess I won't give up yet.
Posted at
June 3, 2008 5:40 PM
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