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My husband is a sex addicted. I discovered his addiction nine months ago. I was checking our account I found out a big transfer of money to our credit card. I was curious about it. There were several purchases on the credit card to a Spa service. It was by my house and I went down there to check out about the place and why my husband paid $200 dollars just two days previously. (read the rest of the story... click here)My husband is a sex addicted. I discovered his addiction nine months ago. I was checking our account I found out a big transfer of money to our credit card. I was curious about it. There were several purchases on the credit card to a Spa service. It was by my house and I went down there to check out about the place and why my husband paid $200 dollars just two days previously.
My heart was broken in millions of pieces, when I saw the girl that worked at the place. I was devastated to talk to them. They told me my husband was a regular customer for parlor massages. I looked all over my house but found nothing. No magazines, no other evidence.
After a check of the computer I found it was in full of porn. I called my husband to confront him, he didn't deny it, he told me the truth. He had been paying for prostitutes for three years. It was so painful that almost left him on the spot.
He promised he would look for help and is seeing a therapist and is involved in a 12 step recovery program for sex addicts. On his own word he has been "sober" since that day.
It is been hard for me and my child. He is doing well not to look at the computer at home. But my thoughts about his betrayal, that he slept with numerous girls during those three years is killing my love for him. He says he will not do it again he will be faithful to me and be a great dad. But my trust is gone, because he acts like nothing happened. He said to me "you can leave the past in the past and enjoy the present".
I do not how to deal with my pain, I’m doing everything for my baby because I grew up in house with out a father I don’t one my son to grow up with out one. I’m scared because we have to move to different country and I’m not sure that he will really change. I don’t what to do? Do I leave with him or get divorce and continue my life alon? Labels: addiction, adultery, children, depression, distrust, divorce, emotional pain, fathers, financial, internet, lies, pornography, prostitution, sexual addiction, unfaithful, young mothers
Wow, what a tough situation. You have to do what you really feel deep down will be best. If I were in your situation though, I don't think I'd trust him enough to leave the country with him, especially since he seems to show no remorse for his actions. You can raise your baby to be happy and nurtured as a single mom. Many women do it.
Like I said, look deep down and decide if you still love and can trust him anymore. God bless you, I hope everything will turn out well.
Posted at
July 9, 2008 9:51 AM
I was involved in a similar situation. I chose to stay with him for several years. I found that he never changed his ways, he just became more secretive. He would keep assuring me that there were, "no more secrets."
Finally, after years of punishing myself in this situation, I gained the strength to make him leave. I got myself checked for STD's and started taking care of myself because I had spent every waking hour fully financially supporting him (and his addiction, it turns out) and worrying myself.
Four years later, I find myself quite happy. I took an entire year off from dating any man, as I needed time for myself and I needed to get my head on straight so I would have the confidence to make an appropriate decision in another husband.
Well, I have found him. I can not tell you the blessings I have had in my life with an honest, clean man. We are very open with each other, and he treats me like a queen. I know by how he looks at me, and treats me that he truely loves me (that wasn't the case before). Marriage is never without its trials, but they are so much easier if both partners value faithfullness.
It was hard to end the marriage at first, because I did not have the self esteem, but it was well worth it! I have taken all that worry time, traveled the world, and I am now venturing on a new degree!
Life is never withouth trials, but it is a whole lot of fun if you have a loyal, loving, partner!
In fact, last week, after speaking at a public event, somebody in the community (who knew my x and I) told my father how impressed he was with how I turned out dispite the terrible things that had happened to me. I take pride in working hard to get to this point. I am respected, and I deserve it. You and your child deserve it too.
Posted at
July 9, 2008 11:06 AM
I am so sorry for how your husband has betrayed you. He should be sorry too. If he is not, that may be part of your answer. Have you explained your feelings? You need him to know how he has hurt you. This pain will not go away for a long time if you stay with him. It will be painful if you leave too. I am not saying you should leave or stay...only you can decide that, but if you stay his very presence will tear at your heart. If he cares about you or is sorry he should respect that and feel horrible .
Is there any way you could stay where you are or near friends and family with the baby while he leaves? You will need a lot of support at a time like this. Do you have any? Leaving your friends and loved ones now will put you in an even more vulnerable position. You are important and so are your feelings. How do you want your son's Mother to be treated? May God bless you with strength of conviction and peace of mind. I pray that you will see your own incredible value as a Mother, as a woman, and as a child of God.
Posted at
July 9, 2008 11:16 AM
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My husband's addiction began long before we ever met. He was exposed to pornography even before he reached puberty, and developed habits that became an addiction and grew as time went on. By the time he met me, my husband was an accomplished liar and very good at portraying himself as a "good boy". Click here to read the entire story...My husband's addiction began long before we ever met. He was exposed to pornography even before he reached puberty, and developed habits that became an addiction and grew as time went on.
By the time he met me, my husband was an accomplished liar and very good at portraying himself as a "good boy". I thought we shared the same values and beliefs and that he was everything I wanted in a husband. We were married in an LDS temple. However, he was living a double life. His addiction had developed into illegal activities - the risk involved was part of the high he craved. He was a "peeping tom" and even tried to make videos of women undressing in their homes.
After 7 years of marriage, my husband confessed to his pornography/masturbation addiction and the years of deception. The story came out in chunks, over several weeks. He was excommunicated from our church. It was like he had dropped a bomb on my head, I was completely devastated by all he told me.
How could I have been so utterly oblivious? I now understood so many things. The first few years of marriage, he would often turn down my sexual advances. (After we started having children I didn't notice it as much, since I was either pregnant or sleep-deprived!) I would notice that he acted upset or angry, yet he would say nothing was wrong. He would often stay up on the computer after I went to bed, saying it was for work or church or just to unwind. I call this "Round 1".
He was very remorseful and promised to change his life. He met with a therapist twice (what a joke!). I focused on trying to deal with the pain and trust him again. I didn't realize that although my husband had radically changed his behavior, he had not altered any of his thoughts, beliefs or desires. Without changing all the things going on in his head, it was only a matter of time before he would relapse.
Four years passed and we had our third child. We then moved across the country, back to my home state. This began "Round 2" - he relapsed in a big way. I became aware that he was viewing pornography again he acted very sorry. But as months went by, the same scenario kept repeating over and over. I would notice he was acting different and ask how he was doing. He would (unconvincingly) reassure me that he was fine. A day or two later, he would confess his latest "episode". But it would never be the whole story. A few more days, and he would reveal the rest of the story. I was always "waiting for the other shoe to drop"...waiting for the truth. He then became more blatant, getting on the computer while I was in the shower or even in another room for a few minutes. I felt like I couldn't leave the house when he was at home, because I knew he would take the opportunity to view online pornography. I started to get a glimpse of his thoughts and beliefs, and it was truly appalling. I could see no indication that his behavior was changing, and decided that I needed to leave him so he would realize the consequences of his actions. But I couldn't figure out the logistics of making it work - I had 3 kids (one was 7 months old) and no means of income.
A few months later, my husband began our church's Addiction Recovery Program. About halfway through the 12 steps, he finally realized how skewed his thinking was and started to make REAL change. After going to church and going through the motions his whole life, he finally put Jesus Christ in charge of his life. It has been about 7 months since he finished the ARP. Our communication is now very open and we periodically discuss "how he is doing". It is a daily struggle, but he is determined to not succumb. I am grateful that I had the strength to make it to this point. I feel like my husband has finally become the person I thought I married 12 years ago! Labels: addiction, children, communication, divorce, emotional pain, family, fathers, internet, lies, Success
Thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry for your years of pain. I sincerely hope that your happy ending sticks and that more of us can have such an ending to the porn phase of our marriage.
Posted at
June 25, 2008 5:05 PM
I am going thr the same thing please pray for me i am so scared
Posted at
June 26, 2008 4:27 PM
Best of wishes to all of you going through this process. No matter the outcome, never forget:
"You are creatures of divinity; you are daughters of the Almighty. Limitless is your opotential. Magnificent is your future."
Posted at
June 26, 2008 6:51 PM
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I met my husband in college and after we had known each other for about three years, we decided to get married. I thought I was marrying someone just like me, a goodie-goodie. Our marriage wasn't as wonderful as I had expected, but it wasn't terrible either. I soon realized that this family I married into was very different from my family... Click here to read the entire story...I met my husband in college and after we had known each other for about three years, we decided to get married. I thought I was marrying someone just like me, a goodie-goodie. Our marriage wasn't as wonderful as I had expected, but it wasn't terrible either. I soon realized that this family I married into was very different from my family.
My first impressions of his parents were that they seemed nice, but very quiet. I then noticed his parents took on what we would call traditional roles, where his father ran the farm and his mother took care of the house and the children. At first I didn't see anything wrong with it, until I noticed that she was expected to help with the farm when things got busy, but he NEVER lifted a finger to help her with the house or kids. I also noticed his mother waited on his father hand and foot, and obeyed every command he gave.
But I felt we were different and that my husband wasn't a tyrant like his father and I wasn't a slave like his mother. But at the time, I didn't realize how much damage had already been done. That a family system like his was breeding grounds for addictions. And that these addictions were well into place before he ever met me.
After we had been married for about 12 years is when I first noticed some major changes in him. We had just put our house on the market when he started to not feel well. He refused to see a doctor, so the responsibilities of having the house and the yard ready to show, fell on my shoulders. At the same time, we had been trying to get pregnant with our fourth child for over a year. The stress was getting to me, but by the end of the summer our house sold, he got better, and I got pregnant!
I thought things would only get better. They only got worse. Shortly after our move things got really busy with his work. He started working longer hours and would even stay all night on many occasions. And the few evenings he did come home, he would stay in the basement claiming he had work to do. I would beg him to hire someone else at work, but he would only chew me out. He then started to get sick again and would still refuse to see the doctor, and once again he would tell me to leave him alone. At this time I was 8 months pregnant, and we had hardly seen him in the last 5 months. I felt like a single parent.
After the baby was born, his behavior got even stranger. By then, I was fed up with him never being home, so I called the manager and asked why nothing had been done to improve this. He said he didn't know why he ALWAYS worked late. He could understand some nights, but every night? They did hire someone else, but he claimed the work load only got bigger, so the late nights continued. He also continued to be sick with weird symptoms and still refused to see a doctor. All he said was he never got enough time to himself, and that so much was expected of him. A whole week would easily go by without him seeing me or the kids. Even on Sundays we wouldn't see him, because his church calling would have him attend a different building for church, and then he would leave from there to go to work. I didn't know what to do.
Another six months went by, and I continued to function as a single parent. The very few hours he was at home he was either asleep or in the basement and did not want to be disturbed. Every time I tried to approach him about him abandoning us or his continuing illness, I would get the same lecture that he was too stressed and tired and to leave him alone. He showed no concern for me or the kids and continued to only get sicker. I finally decided he wasn't a part of our life and that I was indeed a single parent. That was how I survived.
On New Year's day 2007, he got ill enough that he finally decided he had to see a doctor. They immediately admitted him to the hospital and diagnosed him with PCP, a form of pneumonia. I thought finally! Now they can give him meds, get him better and things will now improve. Well of course, things only got worse. He then told me PCP is only found in people with HIV.
How could this be? I then asked how did you get HIV? All he said was I don't know and you have to be tested too. In extreme shock, I went to be tested which thankfully turned out to be negative. The doctors promised me my kids would be negative too, but that didn't make the pain and shock any less. What happened to my innocent life?
I couldn't believe he would sit there and tell the doctors he had no idea how he got HIV. These were the people who were trying to save his life! Who is this person I am married to? I think he truly thought he was fooling us, but anyone with half a brain knows how you get it and how you don't! Once the actual blood counts came back, he was then diagnosed with AIDS. (cd4 count of 20.)
I then decided I would be a kind supportive wife through this tragedy in hopes that he would confess to me. He was in out of the hospital over the next month, with me running back and forth with four kids. It then took him another two months to get any energy back and to get used to the "cocktail". I was the one who took care of him at home, thinking I was doing what was right. I thought for sure once he was feeling better he would apologize for the way he had treated us, thank me for all I had done, and humbly confess. I got none of that.
Once he got his strength back and started going back to work, the long hours came back too. Furious, I tried several times to talk to him about it, but he would just avoid me or leave the conversation. Finally, after months of living this nightmare again, I decided I had to take things into my own hands. I had refused to do this before, because I had promised myself that I would never become a snoop. I had wanted to be a trusting person, but since he would not confess and with things only getting worse, I decided I had to do it. I was scared of what I would find and even more scared of what if he found out.
I had noticed over the past year that he had started carrying a backpack around with him. He claimed he needed it for his gym clothes so he could go exercise while he was at work. He always took it with him, no matter where he was going. When he was at home, he would store it downstairs under his desk. One night while he was working in the garage, I decided to check there first. That was the first and last place I needed to check.
The backpack was stuffed full of gym clothes as he claimed, but I did eventually find a necessity kit that looked suspicious. In it I found everything I was looking for and a whole lot more. As a matter of fact, I didn't even know what half of the stuff was. The things I found were condoms, sex stuff, Viagra, money, crystal meth, drug paraphernalia, and pornography on DVDs. (I had to check the internet and with the police to verify everything.) I now understood his behavior.
With the help of my bishop, we then sat down to confront him. It took him a long time to even admit what he had done. He finally said that this double life started shortly after our first baby was born. He claims I gave too much attention to the baby. He said it all started out with a curiosity in pornography, which eventually turned into acting out sexually with men. He actually justified his actions, because he claims he only did this a couple of times a year. (That makes it all better you know!) After about ten years of this, he finally gave into the drugs that were always offered to him. This only made his double life escalate. He went from acting out a couple of times a year to a couple of times a day in the last two years. Since he is one of the owners of the business, he was able to work his odd hours and give himself bonuses (for drugs) without anyone saying a word. He had a great set-up for a lifestyle like his. Too bad his wife had to go and blow it for him.
I told him then that I would not kick him out now, because I knew without serious help and support, he would dive into that lifestyle until he was dead. It still took months to get confessions out of him, and even then he would only answer what I asked and would never volunteer information. I still had to pick and choose what to believe, because his confessions were still so full of lies. Even now months later, I still stumble across things he never told me about. He was eventually excommunicated from the church, which was a surprise to him and his parents. (Which just proves where he gets his faulty beliefs from.)
So, where are we now? We are both in a program called Lifestar, that helps sex addicts and their spouses. He is also seeing a drug therapist, with a weekly urine analysis. I am also seeing a therapist and I do speak frequently with our Bishop. My therapist wants him to be seen by a Psychiatrist, that specializes in homosexual sex addiction and have a full battery of test performed. Many of us feel he suffers from severe personality disorders, and without a proper diagnosis, he will never recover. He has also been told to have regular visits with our Bishop and other church leaders. Well, he feels that the two programs he is involved with is enough. He has claimed that he has completely stopped acting out and that he has recovered. So why does he need more treatment? He doesn't like people telling him what to do, especially if it is his wife and her therapist. He said that he can handle all of this on his own and that what he has done isn't that bad. His father even agrees with him that he does not need to see the Bishop or continue with treatment. (As a matter of fact, his father blames me for all of this. But I'll save that for another day.) He continues to attend church with us and puts the front on that everything is okay.
So where am I with this? I knew back with his diagnosis that he had killed the marriage. I kept things together so he could get into proper treatment and maybe start the repentance process. I now see that I was only dreaming. Everyday I try my best to be pleasant and to continue being a good wife and mother. I felt due to the horrific things he had done, our intimate life was over, but I could still allow him to kiss me goodbye. I thought I was being Christ-like by trying to help, but he recently told me I have been extremely cold and unChrist-like to him. I also told him that I could be of more support to him as a friend, than as a spouse. That only made him angry that I was not willing to work on our marriage. I do realize that I was expecting a healthy response from an unhealthy person. A few months back I did talk to a lawyer and I am also trying to figure out what I can do with an old health degree. (I will probably go into Nursing.)
I do know every ones repentance process will be different and that it is not my place to judge. But I do know that I have to make a righteous judgment for the safety of my children and myself. I do not feel that he has even scratched the surface of repentance. I have yet to see any remorse or regret for what he has done. All I see is frustration and anger towards me, because I'm not doing what he thinks I should be doing. He wants me to quickly forgive and forget and act like this never happened. Not once has he asked me what he could do for me.
Labels: addiction, adultery, AIDS, children, devestation, distrust, fathers, lies, pornography, spouse
Wow, I thought my stuff was hard. And it is. It's all so horrible and not at all what we signed on for when we got married. You are amazingly strong. I am so glad that you are getting help and support. I'm glad your bishop is there for you. That has not been my experience at all. It is too awkward and embarrassing for my bishop to handle. Please look out for yourself and your children first. Take care of yourself. I'm not so good at that, but I know it is the right thing. Even through all the ugliness and overwhelming bad stuff I still know that Heavenly Father loves us.
Posted at
June 19, 2008 10:53 AM
The Lord never gives us trials that we cannot handle. He knows you are a very strong and courageous woman. And you have handled this. I know what it is like to be lied to and manipulated by the man you love. Your love goes so deep, and that only makes it hurt more. I pray that I can be a strong as you. Thank you for sharing your story.
Posted at
June 19, 2008 11:27 AM
May I also thank you for sharing your story. I think many of us can find some truth in your story that fits ours. It is so difficult when our faith is strong and we expect our partner to be honest and faithful. It hurts so much. I have read lots and lots of books and they really help me sort through my fears, feelings and what is real & true. Heavenly Father knows we can only be responsible for how we treat others NOT how they treat us. You are wise to know your husband is unhealthy so his responses are unhealthy. He has believed lies and it sounds like he continues to believe lies and want you to join him. YOU KNOW WHAT IS TRUE. Honesty and fideility. I would suggest your husband POSSIBLY was sexual abused as a child or exposed to sexual activity prior to an age he could understand the behavior? Has he opened up enough to share his early childhood sexual experiences. Just a thought from experience. Hold your head up high and know that you deserve to be appreciated for your kindness and if your husband is so lost he continues to see himself as the victim you MAY want give him an opportunity to handle HIS mess by himself. It is right to help others who help themselves BUT I have found it is easy also to enable those who continue to be stuck and that is not good for either of you.
Posted at
June 19, 2008 12:44 PM
I can not imagine how you have coped with all the things you describe! I have also endured a lot because of my husband's addiction, but it pales in comparison to your story. You are so strong! I hope that your husband will alter his thoughts, beliefs and desires in a way that will bring REAL change. Thank you for being brave enough to share your experience. I pray for your family!
Posted at
June 19, 2008 12:54 PM
God never intended for his daughters to be treated this way. Here is a quote from a LDS church leader, Gordon B. Hinkley, in a book called, 'My Dear Sisters':
"My heart reaches out to you. I appreciate you. I honor you. I respect you. What a tremendous force for good you are. You are the strength of the present, the hope of the future. You are the sum of all the generations that have gone before, the promise of all that will come hereafter."
I am sure that God feels the same about his daugthers. Be strong - support what is right and correct. Pray, and you will have the strength to carry out what is virtuous. (It is your responsibility to care for your physcial safety as well as your children.)
Posted at
June 26, 2008 7:04 PM
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It really makes me sad to read these stories, but I have felt alone and separated from other women for twenty years. I am glad to know I am not the only one living with this. I got married when I was twenty years old to a member of my church from an active church family. On the surface things seemed great. We were so in love. We decided not to wait to have children and I became pregnant after only three months of marriage. Click here to read the rest of the story... It really makes me sad to read these stories, but I have felt alone and separated from other women for twenty years. I am glad to know I am not the only one living with this.
I got married when I was twenty years old to a member of my church from an active church family. On the surface things seemed great. We were so in love. We decided not to wait to have children and I became pregnant after only three months of marriage.
I worked full time during the day, my husband worked nights. I remember coming home and finding my slip or silky nighties out on the bed. When I asked why, he would just say that he missed me. We HAD to have sex at LEAST once a day, even if I had my period or was sick or exhausted. I was innocent and believed him when he told me this was normal.
I really didn't understand about the masturbating and pornography until right after my daughter was born. Even then he played it off as nothing. It was just because I was so pregnant. It was a lie. I have spent twenty years trying to believe him when he tells me he loves me.
Last fall we had to get a new computer because ours was so over-run with porn. It got so that it popped up all the time. He swore that it was just a virus and he had nothing to do with it. He was always on the computer because he was trying to get RID of the bad stuff. He really believes that it is okay to lie to me. He tells himself he is protecting me. We have four daughters and a son. I have spent my whole life helping protect my husband's lies so they don't know what their father really is.
Whenever I ask how he is doing he lies. If I ask anything in depth he gets angry and distances himself from me emotionally. That's how he punishes me. He has lied to multiple church leaders too. I don't really feel like I can get help anywhere. He denies anything is happening until I catch him in the act.
I'm embarrassed by how pathetic I sound. I am smart, competent and educated. Divorce has just never been an option. I want my kids to have two parents. He is generally a fairly good dad. Also, I know the other man inside of him and he is so tender. He has such profound spiritual thoughts sometimes. He rubs my sore neck everyday. He feels bad when he hurts me.
What do I do? Let's just say that I barely scratched the surface of our story. I feel like I just have to share my life with the filth. I know living with ths has damaged me. I just pray for strength and keep plugging along.Labels: addiction, children, communication, distrust, emotional pain, family, fathers, internet, lies, pornography
I am so sorry for you. I am so sorry for all of us who have felt that our husbands were respectable and honest men. I think for me that is one of the hardest things. I am so sad that my husband has not seen sex and marriage as sacred but it is as hard for me to realize he is comforable being dishonest. He has shown so little respect for me, for women, for his position as a father and husband. My faith has really been tested and I do not know at times what is real and what is a lie. As long as someone chooses to lie about their 'sin' they are not close to being able to overcome or change their behavior. I love my husband and I want him to see the light but I am not willing to pretend that things are good when they are not. I can handle the truth it is the lies that are hurting me and our marriage. Pray for help, stay close to those you can trust and know you have lots and lots of value! You are a child of God who LOVES you!
Posted at
June 18, 2008 12:34 PM
The thing I see you doing is rationalizing his behavior and making excuses for him. He may have a tender side and be occasionally spiritually eloquent, but that does not excuse his dishonest behavior. He is simply making bad choices that are affecting you and your family. That is a difficult truth to accept, but you must do it if any of you are going to come out of this ok. Marriage and families cannot exist where there is lying and dishonesty. Your husband's addiction has taken away his ability to think and act like a rational person, and it is causing you to live in fear. That is not a good environment for children, no matter how you may try to justify it. Your husband needs to bring his addiction into the light and needs to show desire and then action for a full recovery. All of you will continue to suffer until he does this. And unfortunately, if he has no desire to change and will take no action to do so, you will have to start facing the stark reality that divorce is the best way to go. Living with full truth and honesty is the only way to beat addiction. The Lord does not expect people to live with dishonest people who refuse to change. You need to be emotionally healthy for your children's sake, and to feel peace in your own life. Living with a lying addict makes that impossible. Everyone experiences pain, sadness and disappointment, but when it is being inflicted upon you by someone else (your own spouse!) constantly, you have to choose to stop it if the other person will not. The Lord works through light, truth and honesty, and anything else is an unhealthy and unacceptable way to live. Facing the truth is difficult and painful, but in the end, all parties involved will feel peace if they choose to live in the light of truth.
Posted at
June 28, 2008 6:21 PM
I really struggle to find the line between rationalizing for him and just trying to keep my family together. I know so many families that have been so messed up by divorce. I know so many kids that have been damaged by it. They know their dad is different but they don't know why. I have thought a thousand times "I need to leave. I need to leave!", but I have never had support from a church leader to do so. When my husband gets caught he says all the right words. You know what I mean. Then he goes to our church leader and says all the right things. He is an expert at the game. And he seems genuinely sorry. Honestly, I find it pretty confusing. Which Him do I believe? Also, I never prepared to provide for a family. I had this pretty picture in my head of what my life would be. When do you leave?
Posted at
June 30, 2008 3:36 PM
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Reading these stories is comforting knowing that I am not alone. We feel so alone don't we? I have been married for 12 years with 4 children. I suspected pornography use from very early on when my husband insisted sleeping on the couch late at night. I remember him acting very angry at me at times and not really understanding why. He claimed to have issues with the fact that I had a teenage lover at the age of 16 and had come back to our church after looking for repentance and forgiveness. After 2 children I was lying in bed one night and a voice said in my head,"Go look in his bag." Being completely asleep, I hobbled over to find well worn magazines of porn in his bag. That night he finally opened up to me about his addiction to porn and of course the masturbating that goes along with this.
Well time went on and I would occasionally sweetly ask him,"How are you doing with pornography?" He would always reply,"Good." I remember seeing darkness in his face at times and wondering. I would always think that I was being paranoid and judgmental. Wasn't I asking him if he was okay. I even would consciously make sure that I was always initiating in our private life so he would know that this was a place that he could get more love, more attention, more gratification.
Life went on like this for years. Knowing but not understanding what to do about the problem. I had two other children and during the pregnancy of the last,found out the truth about what was really going on. Since, I have learned much about this type of addiction. It can be subtle at times and "hard core" at times. It seems to rotate in cycles. Like circles, round and round it goes. I don't think that he has ever come to me to talk about it.
He has become so desperate to keep the truth that it has grown into this incredible monster that has affected every aspect of our lives. Work, money problems, behavior including depression, never feeling like things are good enough. We have sought out counsel from leaders of our church, even participated in a program to help addicts of sexual addiction. Still he is being "caught."
Funny, just like another post said. I don't even have to try. If enough times passes, I will find him....sneeking. It is more than that. I have young children. They are always doing reports on the internet. A place where he has harbored much of his addiction.
I sit next to them, even with filters and special programs and me right next to them, I am panicking because I am so afraid that they will be exposed. I have been doing this for a solid 8 years now. Just this morning, I found myself for the first time in our marriage, telling him that I couldn't be intimate with him. It honestly made me sick to my stomach. I love so many things about this man but this addiction has made him someone I don't even know anymore.
This is the absolute hardest thing that I have ever been through and am feeling so incredibly alone and scared. I know there are so many out there that are in my same situation. How do I take these beautiful children away from their father? He has expressed anger at me for not wanting to help him through this. He claims that he has tools to deal with this that he learned from these meetings yet it is still going on? Do I hack things out for 3-6 more months? When children are involved it becomes incredibly complicated. HELP-suggestions?Labels: addiction, children, communication, depression, distrust, emotional pain, family, fathers, internet, lies, pornography, spouse
Posted at
May 21, 2008 11:36 AM
My heart goes out to you and your sweet children. I am a young mother and am also constantly stressed about my husband's addiction to pornography. This site has been very helpful in understanding that I am not alone. It has taken more time to understand than I have wanted to give. I too have been at the end of my rope several times with the feeling of mere existance for my children. The main thing I would like to communicate to you is about the addiction recovery meetings. I went with my husband for quite a while, even pushing him out the door many of the nights. -I've gotten more bold during this time of trial and have gotten to understand more meaningS of 'tough love.'I belive this loving boldness will also help me become a better mother.
Anyway, the ARP meetings have literally been a life saver for me. My husband couldn't udnerstand why I wanted to go... I wasn't the one with the problem. Actually, I was sort of hesitant myself... how would I feel? Would I feel uncomfortable? Just the opposite occured. Through the 12 steps that were discussed each meeting, I started to feel hope. I started to understand Christ's Atonement in a way that opened my eyes to goodness again. Goodness knows that I have set boundaries and limits and stuck to them, but those meetings are saving my sanity.
I still feel absolute helplessness at times. I still cry at times. However, I have learned to transfer my pains to the only person who can actually carry them, then learn how to become my best. This is hard. It is the hardest trial I will ever go through. My eternal companion is the most important person in this world to me, but he also has the right to make choices. My personal decisions have been made to go along with the limits. I gave my husband 6 months for my children. I gave my husband only 6 months to safeguard my children. My advice would be this: counsel with your church leaders, pray, and you'll know what to do that is best for your family. My prayers go out to you.
Posted at
May 21, 2008 12:15 PM
I am so sorry for the horror with which you live. You did not choose this but I know how it now colors your whole life. As a woman your reaction is to try to help and nurture your husband. That is so natural and what makes women so wonderful. Families are important and I hope and pray your sweet family makes it.
Here is the thing I have discovered in my similar experience; pornography like any sin is not only about addiction it is all about selfishness. Your husband likely finds ways to justify his addiction. I would ask you to be absolutely crystal clear in your communication with him about what his actions are doing to you. You owe yourself that much. Feel everything you are feeling and pray for help to not only feel all you need to feel but to act appropriately and ultimately forgive.
He needs to see and hear how his actions are affecting you and his children. He is likely so wrapped up in his own selfishness and warped sense of love that he really cannot understand how he has hurt you.
I know from experience the fear that being really expressive of your feelings (all of them not just the angry and negative feelings) may end up making your spouse feel bad or drive him to pornography or make you look foolish and vulnerable. Remember that pornography was his choice. He chooses that filth for you and your whole family. . Addicts love excuses and love to blame the addiction, but in my experience we can all be stronger than our addictions.
Give him a probation if you feel that is important. I would be careful about telling him. That may pit you against him in a way that he feels abandoned already and he will not even try. However it is absolutely right to set parameters of what you are willing to live with and what you can't. Remember too that if you leave him lots of things may get harder. Your children's little worlds will be shattered, you will be even more lonely, you will have less time with your children, and there will be more bad surprises. Your best chance of happiness is to exhaust every hope of him overcoming this problem. It is not a secret that troubled marriages that pull through our much happier than divorce.
You are right to say that you no longer desire intimacy if that is how you feel. You must find honesty in your own life and relationship. Tell him that you need to live in truth and while you see him lusting over and disrespecting the image of womanhood you cannot desire to give yourself to him. This is not being a bad wife, it is being absolutely true in your communications. He owes you the chance to grieve over years of shattered hopes. You have emotional needs too. He also needs to realize sex is a sacred form of communication to you and that while you love and care about him, this is hard right now. It doesn't mean you will never be intimate, but you need some time to trust. Healthy intimacy is all about trusting your partner.
Most importantly pray, pray hard, pray all of the time, and pray expecting the Lord's guidance. He loves you, your children, and your husband.
Posted at
May 21, 2008 2:49 PM
I wanted to share three books that have been extremely helpful.
Confronting Your Spouse's Pornography Problem
by Rory C. Reid
Clean Hands Pure Heart
by Philip A. Harrison
(my husband's favorite)
Lord I Believe, Help Thou Mine Unbelief
by Rod Jeppsen
I have found lots of help and understanding from these books and if a husband has a broken heart he will also want to learn from these authors. If possible try to read them together and I think your spouse will be grateful for the open communication that will follow. Secrets are the fuel that feed this addiction so turn the light on, encourage each other to open up emotionally and peace can follow if both partners are willing!
Posted at
May 22, 2008 11:06 AM
You mentioned that you are a church going family...Has it occurred to you that the sin your husband is perpetrating is not meant to be a personal offense of you, as hurtful and personal as it feels. I know the pain of which you speak. I also know that until your husband is ready to be done with this and realize that his sin, as all of our sin does, is seperating him from God, there is nothing you can say or do that will change his heart. That work has to be done from the inside out and only God can accomplish that. I would urge you to check out the Biblical Counseling Institute website at www.bcinstitute.com, and if/when your husband is ready, ask Dr. Abercrombie if there is someone he can refer him to in your area. The word will convict his heart, and the truth does set you free. I would also encourage you to check out the website and pray about whether it would be good for you to have support from someone trained through the BCI as well. You need to know and be confident in who you are in Him and have support to remind you of that when things seem dark. I am praying for you, your husband and your children. And I am confident that you will find your rest and peace in our Savior and Comforter.
Posted at
June 11, 2008 10:33 AM
BILL OF RIGHTS FOR WIVES OF PORN ADDICTS:
1. You have the right to keep porn out of your home. If he is going to do it, it will have to be away from home. All cable companies allow you to block movies by rating or by channel. You should be the keeper of the password. If he figures it out, change it. If you find his magazines or DVD's you have the right to throw them away. If he does it at night on the computer, discontinue your internet service or install a digital camera that faces the computer screen. If he has a problem with this tell him it is offensive and degrading to you and you won't allow it in your home, and you are taking precautions to ensure that it stays out. If he gets upset, too bad, he'll get over it.
2. You have the right to expect kindness and courtesy from him, no matter how bad his addiction is. When you see that "dark look," expect some chauvinistic treatment, but don't let it pass. Call him on it politely and lovingly. i.e. "I don't feel comfortable around you right now so I'm going to take a walk," or "Why did you use that tone of voice?" or "Why did you say such a mean thing?" or "Why did you think it was okay to do that?" As you learn to stand up to him assertively (but not aggressively) he will become more respectful, and more sure of his behavior boundaries.
3. You have the right to protect your children from porn at any cost. Set rules about what movies your family will see. When our kids were little it was only G and PG. Now that they are young adults it's PG-13, but no R's or X's. Keep in mind that if you were to divorce then your husband would get visitation rights and would be alone with your children and may expose them to porn. It may be better to tough it out until they are older.
4. You have the right to "Just Say No" to things he wants to do sexually which you find degrading or uncomfortable. Tell him, "Sorry, I won't enjoy that. Can we try this..?" You have the right to enjoy sex with him in order to fulfill your owm needs. Remember that it's his problem, not yours. He is the guilty one, not you. Married sex is not a crime or an addiction, it's an act of love that is healthy for both of you. If he gets rough or careless, tell him gently and immediately, or move his hand. If he does it more than once, end the sex and tell him it's uncomfortable. You have the right to insist on comfortable and enjoyable sex. If he gets upset, too bad. He'll get over it.
5. You have the right to politely require him to come out of his selfish little universe and think of his family. Set a weekly family time that can only be overidden in emergencies. Do what your family likes to do, and let him know you expect him to participate. Tell him, "This is what loving fathers do who care about their wives and children."
6. You have the right to ask him to leave if he won't agree to your rules. You can say, "YOu can stay here and do these rules or you can leave. You can come back any time you want to help me keep a loving home for our children. 99.99 % of husbands will do your rules rather than leave. Most men merely threaten divorce to get their way. If he says he wants to leave, say, "If you must, then go, but know that you are abandoning your wife and children." Tell him you expect him to continue to support you and the kids while living somewhere else. He will most likely back down. It takes courage to do this, but most wives find that they have no choice.
7. You have the right to be happy in spite of his bad choices. Cultivate good friends, hobbies that you enjoy, read books you like, etc. If he chooses to behave like an idiot, that's his problem, not yours.
8. You have the right to focus on his good qualities instead of his glaringly bad one. Most porn addicts are good fathers and good providers, but lousy husbands. Be thankful that he is employed, and that he doesn't beat you or the kids, and demand some personal attention now and then. If you divorce him you have only a 50% chance of finding a decent man who is not a porn addict, because 50% or more of men are just that.
9. You have the right to expect him to make it up to you. Expensive gifts, (if he can afford it) like a new car, or new appliances, can go a long way towards his effort to demonstrate that he still loves you in spite of his problem. If he doesn’t have money then backrubs, walks, and letting you choose what you’ll watch on TV can also help.
10. You have the right to ask him now and then how he is progressing in his fight to give up porn. If he doesn’t want to talk about it then he is probably still doing it, but this lets him know that you expect him to keep on trying to someday give women the respect they deserve. For more info visit www.Kidsread.net.
Posted at
June 11, 2008 6:55 PM
Your story mirrors mine. However, one vital difference is that my husband ended up molesting our eldest child as she hit puberty. He was prosecuted and went to prison for child sexual abuse. In discussing this with him after my daughter disclosed what happened, he admitted that he could not differentiate her from other "women." The depths of evil that had overtaken this once good man was devastating. Saddest of all was that I had truly loved him. He repaid that love by destroying his family, even after begging him repeatedly for nearly 15 years to get help for his pornography addiction. Be alert and protect your children, first and foremost. I didn't believe my husband capable of such an evil act, but I underestimated the power of porn.
Posted at
June 11, 2008 10:05 PM
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I think that your web site is amazing! I was in a porn-addicted marriage for 9 years. I commend you for your fight against pornography. I swore to myself while I was getting tested for STD's, (after finding out that my husband had been cheating on me for several years), that I would do anything to bring down the PORN industry!! How humiliating that was for me, a faithful wife and member of my church!! I dove into a lot of information regarding pornography after I learned of his addiction and unfaithfulness. I found him wrapped so tight with this animalistic addiction, that he had nearly drown by then - and I suffered from physical demise related to his cheating. After coming up with courage to stand up and let out the, "secret," of what was really going on - so many women came to me with a similar problem. I was astounded at the number of women who worked next to me, and went to church every Sunday, who was struggling with addicted men!! I was more startled that nearly every story gave the same text-book description of the addict's actions, temperament, lying, cheating, money problems, family problems, etc. (Your web site supports this.) Coming from the medical profession, I could see that this porn bug had an incubation period where it would lie dormant for a while, then exacerbate. The addict's actions would exacerbate during the active state of the porn bug's flare-up. If you read into the psychology of addiction in general, you can see the porn addict also. Porn is a TRUE mental, physical, and chemical ADDICTION INFECTION. It bites people before they are addicted. If we can immunize against the porn bug's effect (by having a resistance already built up in our minds and bodies) we will decrease the likeliness of active infection. I believe that the immunization is EDUCATION. Like many other diseases, it is better to seek out the immunization early, than try to fix the disease after it has taken its silent toll (as the addict will remain maimed from past damage). As secrecy breeds this bug, we need to shout louder than the corners of our homes, to educate of the filthiness and horror of pornography use. This is where I believe we need to start in fighting the porn industry. Labels: addiction, adultery, depression, distrust, emotional pain, family, lies, Overcoming Addiction, pornography
After 23 years discovered husband's porn addiction. Thought with counseling, reading, etc. we were okay. Found out 3/21/08 he(53 years old) has been carrying on inappropriate relationship with young girl (age 23) at work. Denies anything physical has happened. Also admits to being flirting and sexualizing for entire marriage. Back in counseling and he is attending SA meetings weekly (has promised to attend meetings for for the rest of his life). Feel like whole marriage has been a fake. Will I ever be able to trust him? Love him? Have sex with him again? Now what???? One day at a time I guess.
Posted at
May 13, 2008 9:36 PM
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I have been married a little over 2 years. I am "considered" beautiful, I get hit on a lot still....but I hate myself, my body, I am insecure, and I am insecure in my marriage. WHY? I wasn't this way when I first got married. My husband seemed perfect, I thought I knew everything about him. Only 9 months into our marriage he told me he'd been looking at porn, It so didn't seem like him....I laughed and said "are you serious" (honestly thinking he was joking). He was serious, he said it was only once, he wanted to tell me right away and it wouldn't happen again. I respected him for coming and telling me, but I was devastated too....I told myself and my mom...this would never happen to me. You see, my mom didn't want me to turn out like her. My dad was a sex-aholic, he cheated on her a lot, was into porn, everything. And my dad actually had a good heart and was a good dad...but as many other men, he got sucked into the spiral addiction of sexual things promoted in our society, it became a real addiction. I saw it ruin my parents' marriage, and ruin my dad's soul and sense of self worth. My dad really ruined his life by having sex with ANYONE, and one lady recently wrongly convicted him of rape when she couldn't deal with her own guilt of having sex outside of marriage (something she had never done). So my dad is prison due to sex addiction and bad choices, I found out also when I was 15 that my little brother had been looking at porn and had become very depressed. He saw himself falling in my dad's steps, and he wanted out...but he was also addicted. After looking at porn he'd feel so awful about himself, he became very very depressed and very very suicidal. Yet, he couldn't find strength to quit looking. After all I'd been through with my own family, It was hard to believe my husband had been looking at porn. He even said "it has nothing to do with our sex. Our sex is great. And you are great, you are beautiful, it has nothing to do with you. " But if you put yourself in a woman's shoes....how can she not take it personally. You try to get all beautifuled up every day for this man....we were having sex twice a week or more, something he suggested and I made priority because I loved him and wanted him satisfied sexually as well. Yet, he seeks out other bodies on the internet and lusts after them? Also, after he first told me, for months after that he claimed he hadn't looked again, and even accused me of being too paranoid so therefor, I might ruin the marriage. Yet, one day I snuck up his parents stairs as we were there late one night and he thought I was asleep...this was 6 months after he first told me, and I was scarred to see naked disgusting images on the screen. I have never shaken so hard. I fell to ground. MY stomach wouldn't stop churning. It was sick...it was so sick to me and so painful... those woman weren't me....it was so hurtful beyond description. And worst off, he'd been lying, of course, all those months when he said I was just "paranoid." Since then he's been working on his problem, but hasn't been honest with me completely, still! And though he distances himself from computers and we do not have internet, he will stop into bookstores when he should be working to look at magazines that have soft porn, like Maxim and Stuff. Many addicts lie about their problem so they can continue to feed the addiction. They become addicts and liars. Though we have worked on our relationship and things have improved a lot... there are still days I feel paranoid and worried of what else my husband may or may not lie about. I can't trust him or myself because my mind churns worrying about what he could be doing. This isn't what marriage is supposed to be. I don't believe my husband foresaw this happening either, this wasn't in either of our plans, yet many MANY marriages and relationships suffer this. Porn and addiction is sweeping over our society and the media lets it all in. Families and hearts are being torn to pieces. This is not a pity story for me - Goodness, my story is among THOUSANDS, if not MILLIONS. I've read many stories already. Its a scary, scary epidemic in our society, and it is truly ruining women - whether you are the naked woman in the picture, who has totally desensitized herself, or demeaned herself, or your the woman on the other side who's family and marriage is falling apart. Sad...sad......sad....I hope my marriage makes it. Thank God we haven't had kids yet. Labels: addiction, adultery, brothers, depression, devestation, distrust, divorce, emotional pain, everyone is affected, family, fathers, honesty, internet, lies, pornography, sexual addiction, spouse
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When I met my spouse in 1985, I found quite a collection of disgusting, hard core porn in his home. I dismissed it as him being lonely as he had been divorced for about two years. He also had men calling him for sex. He told me his former girlfriend had placed his phone number in the peep booths at the local porn shop. Being fairly naive, I bought the story. When we moved in together I never found any porn again outside of a random Playboy or Penthouse and really never thought about it after that. In 2003 I developed Herpes Simplex II. I asked him if he had been faithful and he said yes. Because a friend of mine who is a Physician's Assistant told me HSV can remain latent, I thought I had possibly developed it years ago and it suddenly appeared. DUH 21 years later. I have since been told by several physicians that this is basically impossible. Last year, I found hundreds of porn pictures on his work computer. When I confronted him about the pictures, I was mainly concerned that he could easily be fired if someone was checking the servers as he works for a city government. As a HR professional, I had fired people for this exact reason. I then cleaned up his computer temp files and cookies as he didn't know how to do that. As time went on, I kept finding more porn and dating sites in his temp files and cookies. I discovered one link to an adult swingers site. When I confronted him about a profile on the site I believed was his, he admitted to cheating on me one time with an acquaintance of mine. He was sure it was before I developed breast cancer in 2004. He did not want to discuss it any further. Two days later I found an email he sent unsubscribing to a dating site. He denied knowing anything about the email even though it came from his password protected account. That night, he pushed me about 25 feet into my kitchen where I landed on the granite top of my kitchen island and two chairs. I broke my finger, he left and I went to a friend's house. Long story short, I hired a forensic computer analyst to look at our home computer. He found an amazing amount of porn and dating site activity. I confronted my husband again on June 1 and he pushed me through the drywall and left the next day. Our divorce is almost final, he had to admit that he had a STD in the interrogatories. However, he also gave a date for his "one time" cheating that was false as I had recorded his "one night stand" telling me the actual date they met after a bicycle race. It was more than three years earlier. She has also insisted that she does not have Herpes. He had placed her phone numbers in his 1999 planner which was odd as we were never really friends and she live 500 miles from us. I think porn has been a problem for my STBX since he was quite young as I was told by a friend of his that porn was made available to him and his brothers at a very early age. He is also an active alcoholic which I believe he has used to self medicate to ease the pain and shame of his addiction to porn and sex. Internet porn opened up an entirely new opportunity for him to find anonymous sex partners and view sex on line. If anyone thinks that this is not a problem today, they are kidding themselves. If a person is already addicted to porn and masturbation, they now have the ability to watch live sex on-line, as well as find partners in their own zip codes with a quick search of numerous sex sites catering to addicts. His addiction has left me financially strapped, 23 years of my life with him have essentially been wiped clean, and I am no longer a trusting person. If you think your spouse is addicted to porn, it is time to begin monitoring internet activity. And whatever you do, do not infect files by trying to figure things out on your own. Find a person (usually at a university or law enforcement agency)that is trained in finding all the hidden activity. It helped me get an excellent financial settlement, something that is almost unheard of in the State of Michigan. Labels: addiction, debt, distrust, divorce, emotional pain, financial, honesty, internet, lies, pornography, unfaithful
Your story is also mine. Word for word. Mine is finally an ex, as of a month ago and I took him back to court with a modified motion on my settlement because I found thousands of dollars he "lied" about that he'd spent on internet porn, during our separation period and he was actually in contempt of court for using funds for other than "necessities of life". He's working on his "program" now more effectively, so he says, however, I have my doubts, but I'm out, now I need to start recovering. The distrust you feel for your judgement is awful and that's going to take some time to heal.
Thanks for your story, there are many more like us.
Posted at
February 14, 2008 12:07 PM
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I knew before I even married my husband that he had struggled with pornography, but he gave me every impression that the struggle was in the past. He seemed genuinely focused on fighting against it and so firm in his faith, and we ended up getting married in May of 2002. Well, not long into our marriage, I found out that he had indeed been looking at porn even once we were married. Fortunately, it was something he told me, reluctantly, in response to a direct question. It makes it easier to maintain even a semblance of trust, when I know he has never outright lied to me about it. He struggled off and on, with me trying to hold him accountable, and we finally ended up in a pastor's office seeking help in the fight. After that, he set up a lot of safeguards, and he did much better and even had a year-long stretch where he looked at nothing. He requested some of the privileges back that he had willingly given up. I agreed, and not long later, he looked at porn again. Since then, he has looked at least every couple months, and sometimes a couple times a week. He says he's trying to fight, but he has figured out how to get around most of the safeguards we had, and he is unwilling to submit to more restrictive measures. We have filters and other restrictions on our home computer, so he nearly always looks at porn on his work laptop, something that could get him fired. For a while, he was looking at porn several times a week AT WORK! He also sometimes looks at it on our cell phone, which has internet access. What can I do? For me, divorce is not an option. He really hates it, and confesses to me every time he falls. I can trust him to tell me the truth, but I cannot trust him alone with a computer. On the one hand, he's really sorry, but then he tells me that his sin is no worse than mine (namely, yelling when I am angry) and that I have no right to make a firm stand against it. If I can leave him (or even separate temporarily) over porn, then he can leave me over my yelling, since that is breaking the vow to always love and cherish him. In fact, he makes it very clear that seeking counseling about the porn will heavily involve fixing all of my problems, too. Don't get me wrong - I really want to become a better wife and mother and would love help in that process, but I get sick of his problems being twisted around an placed back on my shoulders. I wish I could rid the world of pornography and I fear for my kids. He was exposed at the age of 11 - how can I protect my son from the same experience? And how can I redeem our marriage and make it into what it is supposed to be? Labels: addiction, distrust, emotional pain, lies, pornography, spouse
Please know that what he is doing threatening you and being manipulative. He is probably just trying to avoid accountability. Go to counseling no matter what he says. Loving and cherishing does not mean we will never yell. There is really no comparison between porn problems and yelling. Seeing a counselor or a religious leader will give you perspective that you both need. I wish you all the best.
Posted at
January 17, 2008 2:34 PM
I agree with this last comment. He needs to go to counseling. my husband did the counseling and a support group and it actually helped him understand his problem better therefore was easier to fix. I think he still struggles with it sometimes,but counseling was the best thing he ever did. Good luck!
Posted at
January 17, 2008 2:46 PM
As a pastor I can tell you that "cherishing" you means he needs to stop using his creative sexual energy with those who are not his wife. Jesus said that in Moses day it was Thou shalt not commit adultery, but in his ministry he taught that those who look upon others in lust have already committed adultery in their hearts. I agree with these other ladies, go seek counseling or a addictio support group. You need it!
Posted at
January 18, 2008 1:48 AM
One thing to realize about pornography addiction is that control is the game. Your husband is trying to scare your into his control by telling you the problem is yours but it is not. He is trying to turn the focus away from his own problem. I agree with the other ladies, go and get help. It is possible to kick pron addiction, but he has to want it more than he does right now. One thing that helped me and my husband in dealing with this problem, was to stop trying to blame and attack each other, but blame and attack the problem.... PORN. If somehow, that can be your focus and his, then the hurtful controling comments he makes will have no place anymore. Please have confidence that it is not your fault. I am sure that he is a good man. PORN is the problem. And you can fight it together.Good luck.
Posted at
January 19, 2008 7:06 PM
Dear Sweet Sister,
First of all YOU cannot redeem your marriage. Only the Lord can, take it to the LORD, lay it as his feet. The Lord has already redeemed for your weaknesses and for your Husbands. Everyone has weaknesses that take us away from our Savior that is how the adversry works, he will use all that he can to lead us away from a meaningful relationship with the Savior. So dont let him (Satan) use your weakneeses aginst you by creating guilt, blame and contention. The goal is to keep your eye single to the Glory of God, what do God and Jesus want for you...they want you both to find joy, peace and progression. Try reading the PeaceGiver it helps put a lot of things in perspective.
I found something today that has helped me, I am going to try to put into action "Love is the addicts most important need, not sex or pornography or whatever else the object of his addiction might be" Your husband has a diseaase (so does mine). He is not well and all of his cruel actions are one of the symptoms of the disease. Maybe your Love can be part of the cure. When I read the quote above the spirt whispered to my soul..you can do that you can love him (and if you feel like you cant, the Lord will help you so that you can.) and maybe that will give him a part of the armor he needs in his daily battle against
Pornography a.k.a Satan.
Make no mistake my sweet sister, you are at WAR with Satan, if you go to war with eachother too you have no hope of winning, but if you together as a couple become allies, and call upon GOD to be your General, you WILL WIN!!! And Be the better for it.
Posted at
April 27, 2008 2:32 PM
Please read the book, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship," by Patricia Evans. This will be a great support to you. Your husband is also verbally abusive. This is not something you can do anything about. It isn't YOU. Stop listening to what he is saying and listen to your heart. You need to leave. No one should stay in an abusive relationship.
Posted at
May 15, 2008 3:21 AM
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After our first year in marriage, I discovered my husband had an addiction to pornography. I was so heartbroken and felt so betrayed. At first he denied everything and then acted like it wasn't a big deal. I pleaded with him to stop and explained how hurtful it was to me and our marriage. Years passed and the addiction continued, as he became better at hiding his habit. I began to pretend the problem wasn't there, anything to stop the pain I felt in my heart over and over. I thought it was my fault, that he wasn't attracted to me or I wasn't good enough to be his wife since he always needed something/someone else. After 10 years of marriage, I was lost inside and he was happy go lucky with no care or clue why our relationship was not very intimate. Eventually, I fell in love with someone else and left this painful marriage. I still feel the pain in my heart today, that we could not come together and battle this addiction. Now as a single parent of one son, I want to protect him from learning this from his father . Funny thing is he still doesn't understand how this addiction affected our marriage and that we divorced for a reason of which was my fault, falling for someone else. I am relieved to know that my pain and hurt is real and other people are aware of this problem. For many years I thought I had some hormonal problem for not wanting to be with my husband intimately. My only problem was not dealing with it properly at the time Labels: addiction, distrust, divorce, emotional pain, lies
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My husband developed a pornography and sex addiction that escalated to prostitution. Lying and deceit abounded. Yet, committed were we both to overcoming the awful ramifications. I didn't know how it would work but I knew that I wanted to try as hard as I could. I felt that it was God's will that families be together. I prayed and had faith that if God (and my husband) were willing, that I could be alright enough to keep going too. I know that isn't the outcome for many, and I wouldn't want to judge another in as devastating a situation. Just as I didn't know how it would work out, I may not ever know whether he's really free of the addiction or not. Trust is something you'll have to learn to live without for a while, all you precious women suffering from something like this right now. My heart goes out to you -- truly. All I can really say is how I'm feeling and what I think of my marriage, and this much I think is true: For six years I suffered and struggled feeling that something was terribly missing. I rationalized marriage was just not all I hoped and imagined it would be. Then my husband confessed. He was very humble and sincere and it was all actually a relief and kind of endearing to me -- beyond the painfulness, of course. I thought, oh good, that was why things felt wrong and now they'll be good again. Then he was more deceitful and cruel and emotionally abusive than ever before upon subsequent failures and relapses. It wasn't as easy as either of us expected. But six years later today, none of those things are missing that I longed for in the beginning and the father of my children is my husband because of our unwaivering commitment not to give up, but to keep going together and overcome, and because of the atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ. Things can eventually become OK, no matter how difficult. Someone once said to me, "Everything turns out in the end, and if it hasn't turned out yet, it's not the end." Listen closely and follow the promptings of the Holy Spirit for you, but if those promptings entice you to keep hanging in there, do so the best you can remembering that things will be OK in the end and striving to feel Heavenly Father's love for you -- and even your husband -- to keep you going in the meantime. All's truly well that ends well, thanks to the grace of God! Labels: children, distrust, family, lies, pornography, prostitution, unfaithful
After nearly 40 years of marriage and many children, I also learned why "marriage wasn't what I thought it would be": his addiction to pornography and prostitutes.BUT my husband didn't want to make real changes; he just wanted to cry and promise in order to get back into our home where he would be able to again have ours as well as his 'other life' through more lies and better cover up. The divorce is in process; I am at peace at last!
Posted at
January 17, 2008 12:15 PM
After nearly 40 years of marriage and many children, I learned at last why "marriage just wasn't what I thought it would be": his addiction to porn and eventual prostitution. He didn't really want to change; just pretend he already had and it would "never happen again", but he refused to do the hard work of counseling and complete personal and financial honesty-- chose divorce instead. Divorce proceeding; it's hard, but I'm at peace at last! It's OK to know it's time to go--and you'll be blessed and survive and thrive.
Posted at
January 17, 2008 12:24 PM
Thanks for your story. You are braver than me. I don't think our marriage would survive a relapse, but it is strong and happy now, after similiar "escalation". It's nice to hear of other success stories-I truly believe Christ can change us
Posted at
January 17, 2008 8:11 PM
Thank you for giving me some hope. No, not all situations do end up working out. I think it depends on if the husband is at least willing to really work at his problem and commit to being honest and to avoid the problem. Even if they fall, its okay if they at least have honesty and commitment to try.
I really needed to read you story because I have lost all hope recently. I don't want divorce, nor I am looking into getting divorce papers, but when I look into my future,Its like I see divorce. I don't picture the problem being gone. I have felt so alone, scared, and hopeless. Its hard to not become convinced that this addiction is uncurable, its something he'll always have so I should just leave now and spare myself a lifetime of pain. But some stories tell that there are victories...so I guess I won't give up yet.
Posted at
June 3, 2008 5:40 PM
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I am so GLAD to see this site and what you are doing to fight this devastating disease called pornography. I learned about my husband's over 20 years addiction a few months ago after he had an affair. I am still so devastated and alone and utterly disgusted. I don't know what the future holds for us since I still can't trust him. He is in recovery and I hope will stay there I have hope one day things will turn out but every day I wonder if this will be the day for our family to be destroyed by this terrible thing. I hope and pray that The Lighted Candle Society will get somewhere with this and something will change. SO many families are being torn apart to this it is so incredibly sad to see this every where. There are so many men out there with this terrible addiction. This industry needs to be stopped!! Labels: addiction, devestation, distrust, everyone is affected, honesty, lies, pornography
I was in the same situation as you. My husband was addicted to porn and then had an affair. We are both getting help with separate therapists. And we both attend 12-step meetings: he for sex addiction and me for relatives of sex addicts, SA and S-Anon respectively. Please look into it as it will help you feel better about the situation.
Signed, Praying that our marriage survives in PA.
Posted at
May 11, 2008 2:48 PM
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About a year and a half ago I found out that my husband of seven years had been indulging in pornography off and on through out our marriage, some years much more then others. It was a secret that he had kept very well hidden from me... I was devastated... We had two kids, what was I going to do. The title's of some of the web sites I found horrified me. And not that long ago I had asked him directly about it since I knew that he had struggles as a youth and we had just found out about other family members being involved, he boldly denied that he had never even looked since we had been married... A blatant and bold face lie... I was so naive. But can I say a year later I know we are far from the end in this pornography riddled society, but things are so much better. HE is so much better! It took a lot of work, counselors, support groups, late night/all night “discussions”, fights, daily inventory, prayers, and prayers, pain and, I-tell-you-what, I went through a whole range of emotions, feelings even ideas that I would have NEVER anticipated which led to some situations that neither of us would ever have dreamt and hope to never repeat... But mostly it took a lot of love, forgiveness and repentance. It is very hard to forgive of this, but it is also very hard to admit and to change so we have had to work together. I am grateful that I have a husband who recognizes it as bad and realizes it is for the unsatisfiable demon that it is... I feel so bad for those who are suffering on both sides of not recognizing that. So my husband has been very good and has not looked since my discovery. Last year this time it was quite a struggle for him but now he says that it seems to be gone. But the thing that I love most is that he is so glad that it is gone. He has expressed to me how much better he feels and how grateful he is to not have that demon in his life. Now you might think that I have merely been lured into a false sense of security... But the thing is I have seen the change in him. We went through a lot of hell in our first seven years of marriage... IT SUCKED! Marriage is a big commitment to me, I am still very proud of the fact that I was a virgin until married. But we separated many times but I never could bring myself to break my commitment of marriage because to my knowledge I really didn’t have a good enough reason to, he was a jerk, but he wasn’t. There are so many things that made so much more sense after I found out about this “little problem” of his. I remember times in our marriage where I really struggled with what I knew about his pornography issues from before we had gotten married. I thought it was just me and that I wasn’t being forgiving enough, that it was my problem but as it turned out those were the times that he was indulging the most... Interesting... He was often very cold and apathetic, he had poor self esteem and these are just a few of the things but there were so many more. However, now I can truly say for the first time in 8 and ½ years that I Love my husband, not just because I love everyone, but because I really love who he really is. Once he took pornography out of his life he became a better person. He is more compassionate and sympathetic, he has more confidence, he is more pleasant to be around. His whole countenance has changed and not only do I love the change but he does to. And one of the most interesting things about it is that even our sex life is better. We are now a happier family on a more regular basis. I know that the battle is far from over but we are making progress and I am so grateful that my husband has been able to have a taste of life with out pornography because it truly is better! My heart goes out to all those who are working through this battle, stay strong and I love you for your efforts. Thank you so much for those of you involved in actually fighting the battle in the world... It is a daunting one but your cause is good! May I be able to help more as my own wounds heal! Labels: children, devestation, emotional pain, lies, Overcoming Addiction, Success
First of all lets call pornography what it is (SIN)!! Plain and simple..The only clause for divorce according to bible is fornication. You lose all respect for your spouse, and I belive it can never be earned back 100% completely. The brain records everything, those images can never be removed. It destroys marriages,families, and a society as a whole, don't be fooled. I could go on and on. I believe God through his precious Son Jesus Christ is able to heal any sin. I was molested as a young child by my Dad, and my Mom was told about it however looked the other way. In my own marriage, I to caught my husband looking at porn years ago, he denied it. I will NEVER trust another man in my life again, accept my beloved Son, who God has blessed with wisdom. Anyway I am still married to my husband and we just had a wedding anniversay 29 years. However its never been the same. Our sex life does not exist. I have very little respect for him. And yet after 20 years I have not caught him looking at porn, I am always thinking that he might be. My heartaches and tears fill my eyes, for any women who have to endure such pain and loss.
Posted at
January 17, 2008 8:15 PM
From one who has been there, I can say that one is never cured. Pornography is always lurking and one exposure to it can result in the addicted one regressing. However, armed with support from one's spouse, what was learned in therapy, and firm resolution from within the addict can head off a downward spiral. A year without viewing pornography is a milestone indeed. It is imperitive to always keep up your guard especially after one year, two years, five years and more. The vigilance is never ending.
Posted at
January 17, 2008 8:53 PM
Your story is almost exactly similar to mine. I know your struggles, I know your victories, I know your fears of repeating past behaviors, and I know how you are never 100% sure of the things he tells you. Pornagraphy brings such distrust and pain into a marriage. We need to fight to eliminate the accessiablity of this evil thing that is everywhere and anyone (minors) can find it! NOT Right!
Posted at
January 21, 2008 12:41 AM
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About 3 weeks ago, I caught my wedding ring on something and a part of it got bent. I remember thinking with relief, "Bent, not broken. This can be fixed." I find this extremely ironic as only a day or two afterward, I discovered that my husband had been looking at porn again and had been dishonest with me about it, even given the opportunity to come completely clean. The anguish I have been feeling flows through my body like the very poison that threatens to destroy him... About 4 years ago, I caught him the first time. There were a lot of emotions and promises, and I let myself believe that this betrayal would somehow go away. Every 6 months to a year, I would question him about it, and he would reassure me that though he wasn't perfect, the problem was in the past. My heart shattered as I learned that this was not really the case, and that he had lied to me. I was prepared to leave as I said I would, but he is working very hard at this relationship, and we have found a hope that we didn't know existed before. A friend of mine, who is in school studying the psychology of sexual addiction, suggested that we visit a website about sexual addiction. We found answers and help there that we had never seen before. While it is not easy, and I am struggling to make it from one day to the next right now, my husband is working harder at our relationship than he ever has in 10 years of marriage. He has committed to pay whatever price he has to for the proper therapy and is showing his commitment to me and our children every day. I have watched him shed many tears of remorse as he expresses to me that he is seeing how much this hurts me. He is even being honest about the little tiny things that don't really matter in life, and as long as I see that continue, I am willing to help him overcome this evil. While this has knocked the wind out of me, and the last three weeks have been an emotional roller coaster I wish I could just get off of, I do have hope...Yes, the pain is excruciating at times. Yes, the anger creeps into my heart. Yes, I am exhausted beyond description and yes, I am fighting to find my self worth again. That being said, I realize that as long as we are *both* willing to fight this demon we can overcome it. As I look at my wedding ring, I realize my marriage is only bent, not broken, and this can be fixed. I am not giving up without a fight. Labels: addiction, family, lies, Overcoming Addiction, Strengthening Our Marriage, Success
Thank you for sharing your trial and the insite of your marriage being bent not broken-it hits home. I know I need to work harder at remembering this and find a way to fall in love again with my husband.
Posted at
January 17, 2008 12:14 PM
Look up emofree.com It works with porn addiction!!! and healing!!! My heart & prayers are with you!!!
Posted at
January 17, 2008 11:43 PM
I hope that you will be able to feel, one day that your worth never depends on somebody's actions - even if you love them. Your worth never alters, no matter what others do. That will ALWAYS be TRUE.
Posted at
May 2, 2008 5:47 PM
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My husband has been addicted to porn for all of our three decades of marriage and many years prior to that. Countless times he has sworn to me that he has stopped the porn, but he just gets better at hiding it. I am done. I have given him so many second chances. Enough is enough. I am leaving him even though I love him and we have no other major problems. I am tired of his lies. He presents a false image to me and to everyone in his life. I want to be free of this poison at last. Labels: addiction, divorce, lies
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