Friday, May 23, 2008
Two’s company, three’s a crowd:- My husband, me and pornography.
I first got married when I was very young and pregnant. Sadly the marriage was a mistake and as the years passed we found we had no love for each other. When our son was just 12 and our daughter was only a toddler of 2, we separated.
The divorce was nasty and traumatic and during the separation period I had a major nervous breakdown- even attempting suicide. Our children were both very badly affected by the whole situation. We agreed that the boy should stay with his father and the girl should stay with me. That was a big mistake as even to this day I struggle to have a normal relationship with my own son, and our daughter won’t speak to her father.
My ex- poisoned my son’s mind with so many untrue stories about me that he has even attacked me and my home in order to vent his fury. The whole experience was nasty and my ex - even became violent towards me as well.
I brought the little girl up and did an awful job. Depressed people become very introvert and full of self pity as that is part of the disease. I regret to say that I paid my daughter very little attention during the formative years when she needed a mothers love. In later years she stopped going to school, stopped eating, started taking drugs and self harming. Eventually she ran away from home at just 13 and only came back a year later because she had become so ill.
I have tried to help her and she has improved, but she has never been happy. She is now 20 and unemployed with bleak prospects. I feel that both my ex- and I have been irresponsible, selfish and are completely to blame for what our children suffered. If I could turn back the hands of time I would have stayed in my loveless first marriage until at least our children were old enough to find their own ways in the world. I am full of sorrow and regret but it is all too late.
So now, if ever I hear of a marriage breaking up or a relationship in trouble, if children are involved I would always encourage the couple to try and work it out. I really wish I had tried harder.
Anyway the years passed by and eventually I recovered my sanity and met husband number 2. He knew about my past and was kind and understanding. However I should have seen the warning lights when on our wedding night he refused to make love to me. This was 12 years ago and out of interest I would like to describe what I looked like 12 years ago.
During my former 5 years of depression I had used exercise as a way of coping with my pain. I would run away all my tears and anger and would go the gym to meet people. 5 years of doing this and my body was slim, toned and amazing. I will probably sound vain when I say this, but I am tired of reading that only men married to ugly women use pornography because that is simply not true. I have always been blessed with good looks and never had a problem attracting a man. As a bride to be I had made more effort than ever to ensure my skin and hair looked great for my weeding. Yet here I was in the sexiest of underwear with my tones shapely body and my new husband didn’t want to know. I had to plead with him to make love to me. That is how the start of our married life continued.
He would have to masturbate just to get an erection and even then was unable to have an orgasm. Can you believe that he used to fake it? I began to realise that begging for intimacy and having your partner fake it was undignified and unbecoming….so I simply gave up. I hoped that taking the pressure away from him would ease the situation. We both desperately wanted a child, but without lovemaking this clearly wasn’t going to happen.
At this time I had no idea what my husband’s problem was and thought it was just something physical or psychological. He told me he was under stress from work. Anyway- we had to resort to IVF to conceive our daughter since we could not conceive her in the normal way. Our daughter changed our lives and we both love and adore her so much, but whilst just 14 weeks pregnant with her I finally discovered my husbands problem was.
I was in the attic over our garage searching for something when I came across a large bag I had not seen before. As I opened it I was confronted with hundreds or pornographic video tapes. I am not just talking a few tapes here- but something like 300 tapes. I had been feeling sorry for my husband thinking that due to stress at work he had lost his sex drive. However now I knew the truth and his sex drive was alive and kicking. He loved sex- just not with me.
I brought the tapes indoors, destroyed them all, packed my bags and left. I was heartbroken and felt such a fool. He was devastated when he came home and found his pregnant wife had left him. He begged me to return and promised that he would never ever look at pornography ever again. He swore on his life that he would give it up for ever.
Our daughter is now 8 years old, and I can tell you that his promises were just words and nothing more than that. He has broken that promise a million times since and I would never believe any man who ever said they would never look at porn ever again. The years have passed and although I have put on about a stone in weight and am pushing 50, I am still an attractive woman with a good body that I have always looked after.
Men still chase me- but not my husband. My marriage is sexless and my husband finds ever more inventive ways to access porn.
- I blocked off the bad TV channels, so he got a computer.
- I put porn blocks on his computer, but he could still down load “You Tube” videos as the software doesn’t block them.
- I had spyware (Webwatcher) installed so I could see what he was doing and found he was accessing adult contact sites.
- My little daughter would be playing games on the Disney sites when a popup of a naked lady would appear on screen.
Cars are a good place to search. I have found many a magazine under the spare wheel. He gets DVD’s now and they are so much smaller and easier to conceal that the old chunky video tapes from a few years back. I had to face it – my 2nd husband was addicted to porn and did not want to make love to me because he preferred the fantasy and the young nubile bodies presented to him in this glossy unreal world of titillation.
I now have my own confession to make. Many years back I was so distressed by his behavior towards me, I decided to seek revenge. My reasoning was that if he could have his own secret little sexual world- then so could I. So I started to have one night stands.
Some were guys from adult contact sites, some were guys from work, some were guys I just met whilst out shopping in the supermarket. As I mentioned before, attracting men was never a problem for me once I put up the “available” sign. I didn’t want to have an affair as believe it or not, I was madly in love with my husband.
I didn’t want a relationship with another man. Yet I have to admit now- these one night stands were seedy and I hated every moment. You may laugh (or cry) when I tell you this, but I had to close my eyes and pretend the stranger having sex with me was my husband, to even become aroused. Isn’t that normally a reversal of the standard rule?
I think my husband suspected I was up to something, but to be honest I don’t think he cared enough to pay that much attention or to have me followed. After a year or so I gave up this behavior of my own accord because I realized it wasn’t really revenge at all. How can a secret be revenge? I was only hurting and insulting myself.
I have been a “wife in a porn affected marriage” for 12 years now and I am not sure what to advise woman on this site. Despite his weakness and addiction I still love my husband and my little daughter is a happy well adjusted child who is growing up in what she believes to be a happy family unit. After the way I hurt my eldest 2 children through divorcing husband number 1, there is no way on Gods earth I am going to destroy the innocent childhood of my child by husband number 2.
So you can probably guess that I have elected to stay inside my loveless marriage for the sake of my little girl. She is more important to me than my lack of a loving sex life. Also the grass is now always greener on the other side. I left a husband who was physically and mentally abusive towards me and replaced him with a man addicted to porn who never touches me – no kisses, no cuddles and certainly no sex.
Lots and lots on men use porn these days as it is all over the place, as are lap dancing bars and escort services. I could swap husband number one with husband number 3 and find out he uses prostitutes. Men are so weak and there are no guarantees that the replacement partner won’t have the same or even worse vices. I have also stopped all the obsessive searching for his porn as it become too time consuming and makes one a bit paranoid.
I used to always look at my husband black underwear for white stains as that was a tell tale sign that he had been masturbating. However now I close my eyes and throw them in the washing machine quickly. I could always tell when the DVD unit in the bedroom had been turned on, when I had switched it off just before I went to work. It is easy to spot when my husbands been up to his usual thing, but I try not to see the signs. Instead I have tried to find a happy life of my own.
I have my hobbies, lots of friends and as always my gym and my running. I also try to be the loving mother to my daughter that I should have been to my 1st daughter. She is my top priority in life. I can’t ever say that my porn addicted husband and I will stay together forever. I can’t ever say I will ever really trust him, and maybe the next step will be that he moves onto the next level and makes sexual contact with a real person. However I can’t say I really care anymore. It’s much easier not to care as you will never cure these guys I do try to make it difficult for him to access porn (as in getting rid of his PC and the DVD), but I know I can never totally prevent it.
I have lots of close male friends at work, who whilst not addicted and remaining as loving husbands to their wives, still confess to occasionally stopping at a service station with a porn magazine which they dispose of straight afterwards.
You can’t imprison your partner or put them on a leash. There will always be porn opportunities for men who want it. So it’s a no win situation for people like me. Oh and before anyone accuses me of being a frigid prude, can I assure anyone reading this that this is anything but the truth. I do not disapprove of pornography at all and have before now have found it quite arousing and erotic. What I do not approve of is its misuse to the degree that a man prefers the use of porn to making love to his wife.
Lovemaking gives a relationship warmth and intimacy and without it the partnership can lose its sparkle. My husband is virtually little more than a friend and a distance has come between us. I think having a flutter on a horse can be fun, but I believe that gambling on a regular basis can be financially devastating. I think a glass of wine with a meal s fantastic, but I believe becoming an alcoholic is life threatening and destructive. I think that using erotic images as part of a loving sexual relationship is healthy, but I believe replacing the sexual relationship with porn is selfish, irresponsible and quite frankly sad.
Labels: adultery, children, depression, distrust, divorce, emotional pain, fathers, honesty, internet, pornography, sexual addiction, unfaithful, young mothers
I have been thinking a lot about you and your post. I too am dealing with a man who prefers porn over intimacy. With children involved the situation becomes complicated. I don't know if it is better to stay with a man who deals with this or to leave. The fear of the children being exposed is my greatest concern. How can a man be the kind of father he needs to be for a child when he is involved with such a perverted and sexually addictive habit? There is so much heartache and sadness that revolves around pornography. I will be thinking of you and hoping the best for you.
Posted at June 2, 2008 11:20 AM
I know the impact of pornography. I was exposed as a child to porn, and it nearly destroyed my life. As a young man, I gave myself to the pleasures that pornography brings. I offered myself to lust, seeking the promises of thrills and excitement. Eventually, I began to want to stop, but I couldn't. Years of exposure tainted my soul and left images in my head. I was addicted. My marriage was falling apart, my hopes to be a minister were slipping away, but I couldn’t let go of my sinful habit, no matter how hard I tried.
But then, God got my attention! It was only after I began to see just how God felt about pornography and lust that I began to change within. Pornography is sin; therefore, it is a spiritual issue and must be dealt with at this level first. Before a man or woman can break free from sin, they must acknowledge it as sin. Then, God can begin to open their eyes and help them to see just how much destruction it is causing.
If you, or someone you love, is dealing with a pornography problem, then pray and ask God to reveal how He views porn. Also, pray and ask God that you, or the other person, will have a receptive heart. This is where the healing and walk to freedom begins. I suggest that you read and pray over 1 Timothy 4:1-8 and 1 Corinthians 6:12-20. These two passages give us very deep insight into the way God feels about sexual immorality.
The fight must begin on the spiritual level, and then, move into practical applications of God’s word. Freedom is possible, please do not lose hope. God is there, and He wants to deliver you and your loved ones from this terrible and destructive sin.
Posted at June 4, 2008 12:24 PM
I am going through the same situation and only my husband is sexually active with me but he prefers to cover my face so he doesn't have to see me. I have so many self esteem problems it's not even funny. I guess I have the choice of having intimacy with my husband and let him cover my face or I have the option of your situation and have no intimate relationship at all. I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do but I am most concerned for my children concerning the fact that my children have been exposed while I'm at work, not because I have caught it but because I see certain things that my son does and it really makes you wonder. But as we all know life goes on and I know or hope that eventually my husband will get tired of doing this gross thing and stop. I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet. I want to leave him so bad but then I think of my children and it makes me think of the future. They love their father so much but I'm just wondering if it is in their own good to take them away from that kind of situation because what will happen when my daughter gets to adolescents and begins to develop? I can swear if he ever does anything to my daughter I can sincerely say that I will kill him.
Posted at June 17, 2008 1:30 PM
You have my sympathy. I am going through something similiar with my husband. It's gotten to the point where I'm just ready to give up. I try to discourage his pornography use whenever I can but like you said if a man really wants to have it, he will find a way. Plus porn is so easily accessible these days. I can't leave him...I'm pregnant with our 2nd child. I still love him but we very seldom have sex and when we do it feels like he is not there on an emotional level. It's as though he's just doing it out of obligation. The whole situation is very sad. We (You, myself, other women in this situation) should not have to live this way!
Posted at July 2, 2008 6:53 PM
I am the lady who wrote this story and I would like to thank everyone for their comments. Sorry for being so graphic- but as a subject Porn is graphic.
It is difficult! My husband loves and adores porn. It's easy, it doesn't answer him back, it doesn't ask him to mow the lawn. He is not judged on his performance and the only person he has to please is himself. To many men like our partners, porn is easy, feels good, simple to get and these days with memory sticks and internet enabled phones - very easy to hide. Why on earth would anyone give up something that feels good and in their minds is not doing anyone any harm.
However it is doing harm. It is harming the wives & girlfriends of these guys, harming our Trust, harming our relationships and if the love flies out the window- doesn't the family and children end up the victims?
I don't even sleep in the same bed as my husband any more. We don't kiss, cuddle or hold hands even. I have no respect for him at all. Fortunatly I have hit the menopause and with zero hormones I am blessed to have lost my sex drive- so there is no longer this great empty void in my life.
I prefer it when I am in the house alone and love it when he is out. All in all - you could say I have no relationship with him.
I guess the porn doesn't bother me now. You have to love someone to feel hurt and I feel nothing. I just really wish that the companies & people that make so much money out of this industry realised the effect this is having on our society.
Porn isn't about "making love" - porn is about "killing love" !
Posted at July 9, 2008 10:52 AM
