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My husband's addiction began long before we ever met. He was exposed to pornography even before he reached puberty, and developed habits that became an addiction and grew as time went on. By the time he met me, my husband was an accomplished liar and very good at portraying himself as a "good boy". Click here to read the entire story...My husband's addiction began long before we ever met. He was exposed to pornography even before he reached puberty, and developed habits that became an addiction and grew as time went on.
By the time he met me, my husband was an accomplished liar and very good at portraying himself as a "good boy". I thought we shared the same values and beliefs and that he was everything I wanted in a husband. We were married in an LDS temple. However, he was living a double life. His addiction had developed into illegal activities - the risk involved was part of the high he craved. He was a "peeping tom" and even tried to make videos of women undressing in their homes.
After 7 years of marriage, my husband confessed to his pornography/masturbation addiction and the years of deception. The story came out in chunks, over several weeks. He was excommunicated from our church. It was like he had dropped a bomb on my head, I was completely devastated by all he told me.
How could I have been so utterly oblivious? I now understood so many things. The first few years of marriage, he would often turn down my sexual advances. (After we started having children I didn't notice it as much, since I was either pregnant or sleep-deprived!) I would notice that he acted upset or angry, yet he would say nothing was wrong. He would often stay up on the computer after I went to bed, saying it was for work or church or just to unwind. I call this "Round 1".
He was very remorseful and promised to change his life. He met with a therapist twice (what a joke!). I focused on trying to deal with the pain and trust him again. I didn't realize that although my husband had radically changed his behavior, he had not altered any of his thoughts, beliefs or desires. Without changing all the things going on in his head, it was only a matter of time before he would relapse.
Four years passed and we had our third child. We then moved across the country, back to my home state. This began "Round 2" - he relapsed in a big way. I became aware that he was viewing pornography again he acted very sorry. But as months went by, the same scenario kept repeating over and over. I would notice he was acting different and ask how he was doing. He would (unconvincingly) reassure me that he was fine. A day or two later, he would confess his latest "episode". But it would never be the whole story. A few more days, and he would reveal the rest of the story. I was always "waiting for the other shoe to drop"...waiting for the truth. He then became more blatant, getting on the computer while I was in the shower or even in another room for a few minutes. I felt like I couldn't leave the house when he was at home, because I knew he would take the opportunity to view online pornography. I started to get a glimpse of his thoughts and beliefs, and it was truly appalling. I could see no indication that his behavior was changing, and decided that I needed to leave him so he would realize the consequences of his actions. But I couldn't figure out the logistics of making it work - I had 3 kids (one was 7 months old) and no means of income.
A few months later, my husband began our church's Addiction Recovery Program. About halfway through the 12 steps, he finally realized how skewed his thinking was and started to make REAL change. After going to church and going through the motions his whole life, he finally put Jesus Christ in charge of his life. It has been about 7 months since he finished the ARP. Our communication is now very open and we periodically discuss "how he is doing". It is a daily struggle, but he is determined to not succumb. I am grateful that I had the strength to make it to this point. I feel like my husband has finally become the person I thought I married 12 years ago! Labels: addiction, children, communication, divorce, emotional pain, family, fathers, internet, lies, Success
Thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry for your years of pain. I sincerely hope that your happy ending sticks and that more of us can have such an ending to the porn phase of our marriage.
Posted at
June 25, 2008 5:05 PM
I am going thr the same thing please pray for me i am so scared
Posted at
June 26, 2008 4:27 PM
Best of wishes to all of you going through this process. No matter the outcome, never forget:
"You are creatures of divinity; you are daughters of the Almighty. Limitless is your opotential. Magnificent is your future."
Posted at
June 26, 2008 6:51 PM
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It really makes me sad to read these stories, but I have felt alone and separated from other women for twenty years. I am glad to know I am not the only one living with this. I got married when I was twenty years old to a member of my church from an active church family. On the surface things seemed great. We were so in love. We decided not to wait to have children and I became pregnant after only three months of marriage. Click here to read the rest of the story... It really makes me sad to read these stories, but I have felt alone and separated from other women for twenty years. I am glad to know I am not the only one living with this.
I got married when I was twenty years old to a member of my church from an active church family. On the surface things seemed great. We were so in love. We decided not to wait to have children and I became pregnant after only three months of marriage.
I worked full time during the day, my husband worked nights. I remember coming home and finding my slip or silky nighties out on the bed. When I asked why, he would just say that he missed me. We HAD to have sex at LEAST once a day, even if I had my period or was sick or exhausted. I was innocent and believed him when he told me this was normal.
I really didn't understand about the masturbating and pornography until right after my daughter was born. Even then he played it off as nothing. It was just because I was so pregnant. It was a lie. I have spent twenty years trying to believe him when he tells me he loves me.
Last fall we had to get a new computer because ours was so over-run with porn. It got so that it popped up all the time. He swore that it was just a virus and he had nothing to do with it. He was always on the computer because he was trying to get RID of the bad stuff. He really believes that it is okay to lie to me. He tells himself he is protecting me. We have four daughters and a son. I have spent my whole life helping protect my husband's lies so they don't know what their father really is.
Whenever I ask how he is doing he lies. If I ask anything in depth he gets angry and distances himself from me emotionally. That's how he punishes me. He has lied to multiple church leaders too. I don't really feel like I can get help anywhere. He denies anything is happening until I catch him in the act.
I'm embarrassed by how pathetic I sound. I am smart, competent and educated. Divorce has just never been an option. I want my kids to have two parents. He is generally a fairly good dad. Also, I know the other man inside of him and he is so tender. He has such profound spiritual thoughts sometimes. He rubs my sore neck everyday. He feels bad when he hurts me.
What do I do? Let's just say that I barely scratched the surface of our story. I feel like I just have to share my life with the filth. I know living with ths has damaged me. I just pray for strength and keep plugging along.Labels: addiction, children, communication, distrust, emotional pain, family, fathers, internet, lies, pornography
I am so sorry for you. I am so sorry for all of us who have felt that our husbands were respectable and honest men. I think for me that is one of the hardest things. I am so sad that my husband has not seen sex and marriage as sacred but it is as hard for me to realize he is comforable being dishonest. He has shown so little respect for me, for women, for his position as a father and husband. My faith has really been tested and I do not know at times what is real and what is a lie. As long as someone chooses to lie about their 'sin' they are not close to being able to overcome or change their behavior. I love my husband and I want him to see the light but I am not willing to pretend that things are good when they are not. I can handle the truth it is the lies that are hurting me and our marriage. Pray for help, stay close to those you can trust and know you have lots and lots of value! You are a child of God who LOVES you!
Posted at
June 18, 2008 12:34 PM
The thing I see you doing is rationalizing his behavior and making excuses for him. He may have a tender side and be occasionally spiritually eloquent, but that does not excuse his dishonest behavior. He is simply making bad choices that are affecting you and your family. That is a difficult truth to accept, but you must do it if any of you are going to come out of this ok. Marriage and families cannot exist where there is lying and dishonesty. Your husband's addiction has taken away his ability to think and act like a rational person, and it is causing you to live in fear. That is not a good environment for children, no matter how you may try to justify it. Your husband needs to bring his addiction into the light and needs to show desire and then action for a full recovery. All of you will continue to suffer until he does this. And unfortunately, if he has no desire to change and will take no action to do so, you will have to start facing the stark reality that divorce is the best way to go. Living with full truth and honesty is the only way to beat addiction. The Lord does not expect people to live with dishonest people who refuse to change. You need to be emotionally healthy for your children's sake, and to feel peace in your own life. Living with a lying addict makes that impossible. Everyone experiences pain, sadness and disappointment, but when it is being inflicted upon you by someone else (your own spouse!) constantly, you have to choose to stop it if the other person will not. The Lord works through light, truth and honesty, and anything else is an unhealthy and unacceptable way to live. Facing the truth is difficult and painful, but in the end, all parties involved will feel peace if they choose to live in the light of truth.
Posted at
June 28, 2008 6:21 PM
I really struggle to find the line between rationalizing for him and just trying to keep my family together. I know so many families that have been so messed up by divorce. I know so many kids that have been damaged by it. They know their dad is different but they don't know why. I have thought a thousand times "I need to leave. I need to leave!", but I have never had support from a church leader to do so. When my husband gets caught he says all the right words. You know what I mean. Then he goes to our church leader and says all the right things. He is an expert at the game. And he seems genuinely sorry. Honestly, I find it pretty confusing. Which Him do I believe? Also, I never prepared to provide for a family. I had this pretty picture in my head of what my life would be. When do you leave?
Posted at
June 30, 2008 3:36 PM
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Reading these stories is comforting knowing that I am not alone. We feel so alone don't we? I have been married for 12 years with 4 children. I suspected pornography use from very early on when my husband insisted sleeping on the couch late at night. I remember him acting very angry at me at times and not really understanding why. He claimed to have issues with the fact that I had a teenage lover at the age of 16 and had come back to our church after looking for repentance and forgiveness. After 2 children I was lying in bed one night and a voice said in my head,"Go look in his bag." Being completely asleep, I hobbled over to find well worn magazines of porn in his bag. That night he finally opened up to me about his addiction to porn and of course the masturbating that goes along with this.
Well time went on and I would occasionally sweetly ask him,"How are you doing with pornography?" He would always reply,"Good." I remember seeing darkness in his face at times and wondering. I would always think that I was being paranoid and judgmental. Wasn't I asking him if he was okay. I even would consciously make sure that I was always initiating in our private life so he would know that this was a place that he could get more love, more attention, more gratification.
Life went on like this for years. Knowing but not understanding what to do about the problem. I had two other children and during the pregnancy of the last,found out the truth about what was really going on. Since, I have learned much about this type of addiction. It can be subtle at times and "hard core" at times. It seems to rotate in cycles. Like circles, round and round it goes. I don't think that he has ever come to me to talk about it.
He has become so desperate to keep the truth that it has grown into this incredible monster that has affected every aspect of our lives. Work, money problems, behavior including depression, never feeling like things are good enough. We have sought out counsel from leaders of our church, even participated in a program to help addicts of sexual addiction. Still he is being "caught."
Funny, just like another post said. I don't even have to try. If enough times passes, I will find him....sneeking. It is more than that. I have young children. They are always doing reports on the internet. A place where he has harbored much of his addiction.
I sit next to them, even with filters and special programs and me right next to them, I am panicking because I am so afraid that they will be exposed. I have been doing this for a solid 8 years now. Just this morning, I found myself for the first time in our marriage, telling him that I couldn't be intimate with him. It honestly made me sick to my stomach. I love so many things about this man but this addiction has made him someone I don't even know anymore.
This is the absolute hardest thing that I have ever been through and am feeling so incredibly alone and scared. I know there are so many out there that are in my same situation. How do I take these beautiful children away from their father? He has expressed anger at me for not wanting to help him through this. He claims that he has tools to deal with this that he learned from these meetings yet it is still going on? Do I hack things out for 3-6 more months? When children are involved it becomes incredibly complicated. HELP-suggestions?Labels: addiction, children, communication, depression, distrust, emotional pain, family, fathers, internet, lies, pornography, spouse
Posted at
May 21, 2008 11:36 AM
My heart goes out to you and your sweet children. I am a young mother and am also constantly stressed about my husband's addiction to pornography. This site has been very helpful in understanding that I am not alone. It has taken more time to understand than I have wanted to give. I too have been at the end of my rope several times with the feeling of mere existance for my children. The main thing I would like to communicate to you is about the addiction recovery meetings. I went with my husband for quite a while, even pushing him out the door many of the nights. -I've gotten more bold during this time of trial and have gotten to understand more meaningS of 'tough love.'I belive this loving boldness will also help me become a better mother.
Anyway, the ARP meetings have literally been a life saver for me. My husband couldn't udnerstand why I wanted to go... I wasn't the one with the problem. Actually, I was sort of hesitant myself... how would I feel? Would I feel uncomfortable? Just the opposite occured. Through the 12 steps that were discussed each meeting, I started to feel hope. I started to understand Christ's Atonement in a way that opened my eyes to goodness again. Goodness knows that I have set boundaries and limits and stuck to them, but those meetings are saving my sanity.
I still feel absolute helplessness at times. I still cry at times. However, I have learned to transfer my pains to the only person who can actually carry them, then learn how to become my best. This is hard. It is the hardest trial I will ever go through. My eternal companion is the most important person in this world to me, but he also has the right to make choices. My personal decisions have been made to go along with the limits. I gave my husband 6 months for my children. I gave my husband only 6 months to safeguard my children. My advice would be this: counsel with your church leaders, pray, and you'll know what to do that is best for your family. My prayers go out to you.
Posted at
May 21, 2008 12:15 PM
I am so sorry for the horror with which you live. You did not choose this but I know how it now colors your whole life. As a woman your reaction is to try to help and nurture your husband. That is so natural and what makes women so wonderful. Families are important and I hope and pray your sweet family makes it.
Here is the thing I have discovered in my similar experience; pornography like any sin is not only about addiction it is all about selfishness. Your husband likely finds ways to justify his addiction. I would ask you to be absolutely crystal clear in your communication with him about what his actions are doing to you. You owe yourself that much. Feel everything you are feeling and pray for help to not only feel all you need to feel but to act appropriately and ultimately forgive.
He needs to see and hear how his actions are affecting you and his children. He is likely so wrapped up in his own selfishness and warped sense of love that he really cannot understand how he has hurt you.
I know from experience the fear that being really expressive of your feelings (all of them not just the angry and negative feelings) may end up making your spouse feel bad or drive him to pornography or make you look foolish and vulnerable. Remember that pornography was his choice. He chooses that filth for you and your whole family. . Addicts love excuses and love to blame the addiction, but in my experience we can all be stronger than our addictions.
Give him a probation if you feel that is important. I would be careful about telling him. That may pit you against him in a way that he feels abandoned already and he will not even try. However it is absolutely right to set parameters of what you are willing to live with and what you can't. Remember too that if you leave him lots of things may get harder. Your children's little worlds will be shattered, you will be even more lonely, you will have less time with your children, and there will be more bad surprises. Your best chance of happiness is to exhaust every hope of him overcoming this problem. It is not a secret that troubled marriages that pull through our much happier than divorce.
You are right to say that you no longer desire intimacy if that is how you feel. You must find honesty in your own life and relationship. Tell him that you need to live in truth and while you see him lusting over and disrespecting the image of womanhood you cannot desire to give yourself to him. This is not being a bad wife, it is being absolutely true in your communications. He owes you the chance to grieve over years of shattered hopes. You have emotional needs too. He also needs to realize sex is a sacred form of communication to you and that while you love and care about him, this is hard right now. It doesn't mean you will never be intimate, but you need some time to trust. Healthy intimacy is all about trusting your partner.
Most importantly pray, pray hard, pray all of the time, and pray expecting the Lord's guidance. He loves you, your children, and your husband.
Posted at
May 21, 2008 2:49 PM
I wanted to share three books that have been extremely helpful.
Confronting Your Spouse's Pornography Problem
by Rory C. Reid
Clean Hands Pure Heart
by Philip A. Harrison
(my husband's favorite)
Lord I Believe, Help Thou Mine Unbelief
by Rod Jeppsen
I have found lots of help and understanding from these books and if a husband has a broken heart he will also want to learn from these authors. If possible try to read them together and I think your spouse will be grateful for the open communication that will follow. Secrets are the fuel that feed this addiction so turn the light on, encourage each other to open up emotionally and peace can follow if both partners are willing!
Posted at
May 22, 2008 11:06 AM
You mentioned that you are a church going family...Has it occurred to you that the sin your husband is perpetrating is not meant to be a personal offense of you, as hurtful and personal as it feels. I know the pain of which you speak. I also know that until your husband is ready to be done with this and realize that his sin, as all of our sin does, is seperating him from God, there is nothing you can say or do that will change his heart. That work has to be done from the inside out and only God can accomplish that. I would urge you to check out the Biblical Counseling Institute website at www.bcinstitute.com, and if/when your husband is ready, ask Dr. Abercrombie if there is someone he can refer him to in your area. The word will convict his heart, and the truth does set you free. I would also encourage you to check out the website and pray about whether it would be good for you to have support from someone trained through the BCI as well. You need to know and be confident in who you are in Him and have support to remind you of that when things seem dark. I am praying for you, your husband and your children. And I am confident that you will find your rest and peace in our Savior and Comforter.
Posted at
June 11, 2008 10:33 AM
BILL OF RIGHTS FOR WIVES OF PORN ADDICTS:
1. You have the right to keep porn out of your home. If he is going to do it, it will have to be away from home. All cable companies allow you to block movies by rating or by channel. You should be the keeper of the password. If he figures it out, change it. If you find his magazines or DVD's you have the right to throw them away. If he does it at night on the computer, discontinue your internet service or install a digital camera that faces the computer screen. If he has a problem with this tell him it is offensive and degrading to you and you won't allow it in your home, and you are taking precautions to ensure that it stays out. If he gets upset, too bad, he'll get over it.
2. You have the right to expect kindness and courtesy from him, no matter how bad his addiction is. When you see that "dark look," expect some chauvinistic treatment, but don't let it pass. Call him on it politely and lovingly. i.e. "I don't feel comfortable around you right now so I'm going to take a walk," or "Why did you use that tone of voice?" or "Why did you say such a mean thing?" or "Why did you think it was okay to do that?" As you learn to stand up to him assertively (but not aggressively) he will become more respectful, and more sure of his behavior boundaries.
3. You have the right to protect your children from porn at any cost. Set rules about what movies your family will see. When our kids were little it was only G and PG. Now that they are young adults it's PG-13, but no R's or X's. Keep in mind that if you were to divorce then your husband would get visitation rights and would be alone with your children and may expose them to porn. It may be better to tough it out until they are older.
4. You have the right to "Just Say No" to things he wants to do sexually which you find degrading or uncomfortable. Tell him, "Sorry, I won't enjoy that. Can we try this..?" You have the right to enjoy sex with him in order to fulfill your owm needs. Remember that it's his problem, not yours. He is the guilty one, not you. Married sex is not a crime or an addiction, it's an act of love that is healthy for both of you. If he gets rough or careless, tell him gently and immediately, or move his hand. If he does it more than once, end the sex and tell him it's uncomfortable. You have the right to insist on comfortable and enjoyable sex. If he gets upset, too bad. He'll get over it.
5. You have the right to politely require him to come out of his selfish little universe and think of his family. Set a weekly family time that can only be overidden in emergencies. Do what your family likes to do, and let him know you expect him to participate. Tell him, "This is what loving fathers do who care about their wives and children."
6. You have the right to ask him to leave if he won't agree to your rules. You can say, "YOu can stay here and do these rules or you can leave. You can come back any time you want to help me keep a loving home for our children. 99.99 % of husbands will do your rules rather than leave. Most men merely threaten divorce to get their way. If he says he wants to leave, say, "If you must, then go, but know that you are abandoning your wife and children." Tell him you expect him to continue to support you and the kids while living somewhere else. He will most likely back down. It takes courage to do this, but most wives find that they have no choice.
7. You have the right to be happy in spite of his bad choices. Cultivate good friends, hobbies that you enjoy, read books you like, etc. If he chooses to behave like an idiot, that's his problem, not yours.
8. You have the right to focus on his good qualities instead of his glaringly bad one. Most porn addicts are good fathers and good providers, but lousy husbands. Be thankful that he is employed, and that he doesn't beat you or the kids, and demand some personal attention now and then. If you divorce him you have only a 50% chance of finding a decent man who is not a porn addict, because 50% or more of men are just that.
9. You have the right to expect him to make it up to you. Expensive gifts, (if he can afford it) like a new car, or new appliances, can go a long way towards his effort to demonstrate that he still loves you in spite of his problem. If he doesn’t have money then backrubs, walks, and letting you choose what you’ll watch on TV can also help.
10. You have the right to ask him now and then how he is progressing in his fight to give up porn. If he doesn’t want to talk about it then he is probably still doing it, but this lets him know that you expect him to keep on trying to someday give women the respect they deserve. For more info visit www.Kidsread.net.
Posted at
June 11, 2008 6:55 PM
Your story mirrors mine. However, one vital difference is that my husband ended up molesting our eldest child as she hit puberty. He was prosecuted and went to prison for child sexual abuse. In discussing this with him after my daughter disclosed what happened, he admitted that he could not differentiate her from other "women." The depths of evil that had overtaken this once good man was devastating. Saddest of all was that I had truly loved him. He repaid that love by destroying his family, even after begging him repeatedly for nearly 15 years to get help for his pornography addiction. Be alert and protect your children, first and foremost. I didn't believe my husband capable of such an evil act, but I underestimated the power of porn.
Posted at
June 11, 2008 10:05 PM
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I think that your web site is amazing! I was in a porn-addicted marriage for 9 years. I commend you for your fight against pornography. I swore to myself while I was getting tested for STD's, (after finding out that my husband had been cheating on me for several years), that I would do anything to bring down the PORN industry!! How humiliating that was for me, a faithful wife and member of my church!! I dove into a lot of information regarding pornography after I learned of his addiction and unfaithfulness. I found him wrapped so tight with this animalistic addiction, that he had nearly drown by then - and I suffered from physical demise related to his cheating. After coming up with courage to stand up and let out the, "secret," of what was really going on - so many women came to me with a similar problem. I was astounded at the number of women who worked next to me, and went to church every Sunday, who was struggling with addicted men!! I was more startled that nearly every story gave the same text-book description of the addict's actions, temperament, lying, cheating, money problems, family problems, etc. (Your web site supports this.) Coming from the medical profession, I could see that this porn bug had an incubation period where it would lie dormant for a while, then exacerbate. The addict's actions would exacerbate during the active state of the porn bug's flare-up. If you read into the psychology of addiction in general, you can see the porn addict also. Porn is a TRUE mental, physical, and chemical ADDICTION INFECTION. It bites people before they are addicted. If we can immunize against the porn bug's effect (by having a resistance already built up in our minds and bodies) we will decrease the likeliness of active infection. I believe that the immunization is EDUCATION. Like many other diseases, it is better to seek out the immunization early, than try to fix the disease after it has taken its silent toll (as the addict will remain maimed from past damage). As secrecy breeds this bug, we need to shout louder than the corners of our homes, to educate of the filthiness and horror of pornography use. This is where I believe we need to start in fighting the porn industry. Labels: addiction, adultery, depression, distrust, emotional pain, family, lies, Overcoming Addiction, pornography
After 23 years discovered husband's porn addiction. Thought with counseling, reading, etc. we were okay. Found out 3/21/08 he(53 years old) has been carrying on inappropriate relationship with young girl (age 23) at work. Denies anything physical has happened. Also admits to being flirting and sexualizing for entire marriage. Back in counseling and he is attending SA meetings weekly (has promised to attend meetings for for the rest of his life). Feel like whole marriage has been a fake. Will I ever be able to trust him? Love him? Have sex with him again? Now what???? One day at a time I guess.
Posted at
May 13, 2008 9:36 PM
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I have been married a little over 2 years. I am "considered" beautiful, I get hit on a lot still....but I hate myself, my body, I am insecure, and I am insecure in my marriage. WHY? I wasn't this way when I first got married. My husband seemed perfect, I thought I knew everything about him. Only 9 months into our marriage he told me he'd been looking at porn, It so didn't seem like him....I laughed and said "are you serious" (honestly thinking he was joking). He was serious, he said it was only once, he wanted to tell me right away and it wouldn't happen again. I respected him for coming and telling me, but I was devastated too....I told myself and my mom...this would never happen to me. You see, my mom didn't want me to turn out like her. My dad was a sex-aholic, he cheated on her a lot, was into porn, everything. And my dad actually had a good heart and was a good dad...but as many other men, he got sucked into the spiral addiction of sexual things promoted in our society, it became a real addiction. I saw it ruin my parents' marriage, and ruin my dad's soul and sense of self worth. My dad really ruined his life by having sex with ANYONE, and one lady recently wrongly convicted him of rape when she couldn't deal with her own guilt of having sex outside of marriage (something she had never done). So my dad is prison due to sex addiction and bad choices, I found out also when I was 15 that my little brother had been looking at porn and had become very depressed. He saw himself falling in my dad's steps, and he wanted out...but he was also addicted. After looking at porn he'd feel so awful about himself, he became very very depressed and very very suicidal. Yet, he couldn't find strength to quit looking. After all I'd been through with my own family, It was hard to believe my husband had been looking at porn. He even said "it has nothing to do with our sex. Our sex is great. And you are great, you are beautiful, it has nothing to do with you. " But if you put yourself in a woman's shoes....how can she not take it personally. You try to get all beautifuled up every day for this man....we were having sex twice a week or more, something he suggested and I made priority because I loved him and wanted him satisfied sexually as well. Yet, he seeks out other bodies on the internet and lusts after them? Also, after he first told me, for months after that he claimed he hadn't looked again, and even accused me of being too paranoid so therefor, I might ruin the marriage. Yet, one day I snuck up his parents stairs as we were there late one night and he thought I was asleep...this was 6 months after he first told me, and I was scarred to see naked disgusting images on the screen. I have never shaken so hard. I fell to ground. MY stomach wouldn't stop churning. It was sick...it was so sick to me and so painful... those woman weren't me....it was so hurtful beyond description. And worst off, he'd been lying, of course, all those months when he said I was just "paranoid." Since then he's been working on his problem, but hasn't been honest with me completely, still! And though he distances himself from computers and we do not have internet, he will stop into bookstores when he should be working to look at magazines that have soft porn, like Maxim and Stuff. Many addicts lie about their problem so they can continue to feed the addiction. They become addicts and liars. Though we have worked on our relationship and things have improved a lot... there are still days I feel paranoid and worried of what else my husband may or may not lie about. I can't trust him or myself because my mind churns worrying about what he could be doing. This isn't what marriage is supposed to be. I don't believe my husband foresaw this happening either, this wasn't in either of our plans, yet many MANY marriages and relationships suffer this. Porn and addiction is sweeping over our society and the media lets it all in. Families and hearts are being torn to pieces. This is not a pity story for me - Goodness, my story is among THOUSANDS, if not MILLIONS. I've read many stories already. Its a scary, scary epidemic in our society, and it is truly ruining women - whether you are the naked woman in the picture, who has totally desensitized herself, or demeaned herself, or your the woman on the other side who's family and marriage is falling apart. Sad...sad......sad....I hope my marriage makes it. Thank God we haven't had kids yet. Labels: addiction, adultery, brothers, depression, devestation, distrust, divorce, emotional pain, everyone is affected, family, fathers, honesty, internet, lies, pornography, sexual addiction, spouse
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After fourty-two years, five children and thirteen grandchildren, I found myself in a loveless marriage. I went to the Lord in earnest prayer. From there I was lead to the computer where I found pornography. My world as I had known it died. I experienced the same emotions that I had when my fourteen month old son was run over and killed in our driveway. Shock, fear, anger, blame, depression and hopelessness. We separated and I thought my marriage had ended. My husband started counseling and invited me to come. I did go but the anger only got worse. I learn there that a person looses the ability to have natural feelings for another when suffering this addiction, and yes it is an addiction. I wondered if I would support my husband if this was about drugs. About a two months later my husband introduce to the "12 Steps" program our church is holding. They recieved permission from AA to use their steps with some changes to include the atonement of Jesus Christ. It is a meeting where I felt safe being able to relate my personal feelings without judgment. Unlike the counseling it was free. Soon we became facilitators and now are helping others through our example of success. The past six months we have been speaking in church meetings, telling our story in hopes of reaching others. Our marriage is better than I ever thought it would be. My love has grown as well as my trust. I have found there are two programs, an "I love you" program and "I trust you" program. The first is up to me but the second is up to him. Ponography is a disease and with the help of our Savior we do not need to travel this painful road alone. Labels: addiction, children, depression, devestation, emotional pain, family, fathers, Overcoming Addiction, Strengthening Our Marriage, Success
I am 21 years old,actualy i must congratulate you for amending this website becase it will some how help to eliminate this problem of ponographic addition.People dont see that ponography is causing alot of danger in our society,i hope this world could have many people like you who care alot about others.
Thank you!
Posted at
February 15, 2008 6:46 AM
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I am glad to find this website and to know that there is help and hope for families struggling with this problem. My introduction to this disease really began when our church sponsored a workshop on pornography and my husband of 13 years encouraged me to go. I took the information home and discussed it with him. The next day, following tips from the workshop, I performed a scan on our computer, not expecting anything but wanting to be sure, as we have an adolescent son. Of course, page after page of material turned up in the scan. I panicked at first, thinking of my son, but the times matched up to time my husband was alone in the house. I confronted my husband, and he confessed everything. He had been addicted to pornography for the past ten years. He was hoping I would catch him, because he was not strong enough to tell me himself. He was willing to do whatever it took to leave the addiction behind. We received help and counseling from our clergy, and we went through a twelve-step program on our own using a manual. I made two decisions early on that, I think, greatly increased our chances for success. First, I decided not to let my pride and hurt feelings get in the way of his recovery. It was not about me, and recognizing that made dealing with the whole thing easier. Second, I decided to be very confidential. Besides our clergy, I told only my father, who I turned to for advice and help throughout the ordeal. I did not tell my mother, my siblings, my neighbors, or my friends. I got the support I needed, but I did not burden others with an offence they might not be prepared to forgive. I did not damage my husband's reputation in the eyes of those he cares about. I love my husband, and I am profoundly in love with him. He has been restored, in my eyes, and I rarely think of the addiction that once horrified me. It has been three years today since I confronted him. The first year was very difficult, but also transformative. We weathered the storm together, and it has made us stronger. It has made me a better parent to my children, more compassionate and patient. It has opened my eyes to the danger can be in the lives of those we love, and to the mercy and power of God to heal us. I hope, if you are reading this, you will find the comfort and solace you are looking for in your life. It is such a private problem. There are times I long to tell people what a growth experience this has been for me, how I have changed, how it has made me better. But my loyalty to my husband keeps me from reaching out. I am glad to do this anonymously. There are complete success stories, you just don't hear about them. God loves you and your loved one and you both can find healing and peace. Labels: addiction, family, fathers, spouse, Strengthening Our Marriage, Success
Thank you so much for your story. Wow, you are such a strong woman. I completely relate to your feelings about wanting to reach out and share your story but not doing it because you are so loyal to your husband. I admire that greatly. Your story has already helped me as I'm sure it will many others. Thank you.
Posted at
January 25, 2008 4:19 PM
Once, I too believed in keeping my husband's addiction quiet and confidential out of loyalty to him and our marriage. I must say now, that nine years later, I did myself and my marriage a huge disservice. I cut out a support network for myself and I was dying inside. It shows on the outside. Within the last 7 months, all of my siblings have noticed something not quite right with my marriage and over half of them guessed it was a porn addiction in my husband. It does affect me in a huge and horrible way. I have been going to ARP (a women's group) through my church and there, I have found safety and peace. I know I am not alone, I am a good person, the Lord does love me and my efforts have been good. Having my family know, and his too, along with a few friends, has helped me immensely. I believe in the power of prayer and I feel strength from the prayers offered for me, my husband and my family. My husband can no longer turn his bad choices on me. He can no longer hide behind me. I no longer feel complete guilt and shame over his choices.My husband has thrived on the secrecy. I believe as a wife, you are the best judge of your husband's progress or lack of. I am finally facing the truth in my own marriage---I see the lack of light in my husband's eyes. I recognize the words that are mere words to calm me down and keep me around. My husband now questions whether he is even an addict. I now recognize the cycles he goes through and the lies that keep coming around. I call them lies because nothing has gotten better. Once I thought he would overcome this addiction and now I wonder if he's really hit rock bottom and really wants to.
I am happy for you. It's a wonderful thing to witness the Atonement bless someone's life.
Posted at
June 11, 2008 11:38 AM
Amen to comment #2. It took me several years to realize that I needed to talk to someone about my husbands addiction. I was losing my identity by hiding his problems. I couldn't be my real self because is was covering up for his addiction to protect him. I was not looking out for my own emotional health. This only dragged me down. I came to a point where I knew I could no longer hold in the secret I was carrying. I needed to talk with someone. His cycles were bringing me down.
Since I have communicated with family and very close friends, I have been able to recover my identity and realize that I can no longer "carry" my husband by hiding his addiction. He is the one responsible for his choices so he is the only one who can fix them. I can't. He has to do it! I feel free now that I won't/can't carry him anymore by 'helping' him hide it. This may sound harsh but it has helped relieve me of his burden.
Posted at
June 11, 2008 11:02 PM
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My dad was a bright boy - the kind that struggles in school because they're not challenged. He eventually dropped out and entered the military. He was very proud of his military career, however, and worked very hard at it. A debilitating illness stole his eyesight at a young age, and he found himself unemployed and unemployable, and with a young family. He was devastated and fell into depression. He had decided as a young man that there was no God, and that religion was only a crutch for the weak-minded. So when these life-changing events occurred, he literally had nothing to help him through it. He turned to the only thing that brought him comfort: his pornography. About this time he started abusing and molesting my younger sister. I found out a couple of years later, but I was a teenager and didn't know what to do. I have since found out that since I wasn't the actual victim, there wasn't really anything I or anyone I told could do. The victims were questioned informally about it (possibly both my sisters were molested, I never was sure about the second one), and both denied it. So, in legal terms, "If there's no victim, then there's no crime." Except there was a crime. Even though I was never molested, I feel like I've suffered. I had emotional turmoil for years (counseling helped - I highly recommend it), had a lot of anger, and issues with self-image. And I almost feel like I don't have the right to feel the pain, because I wasn't the victim. It's been hard, having a story to tell, except that I don't have the right to tell it because it's not my story. I remember as a teen knowing that my mom probably didn't know, and not knowing how to tell her. I ended up just withdrawing and staying in my room all the time. One thing that helped me get through those very lonely years was God. It really helped when I'd pray, I could feel His love. That has helped me through my whole life. And our story is different from other stories I've read because there was no violence or threats. My sister was seduced, and to this day is not only not angry with my dad (who has since died), but even feels that his excommunication from the church was somehow her fault. My father abused my sister for over 10 years, into her first marriage. She has seen her life destroyed. Her marriage broke up and she lost guardianship of her two children, who are now grown. She copes by being a very shallow person. She accepts people on the surface, makes excuses for everyone, and just deals with life one day at a time. Pornography is not allowed in my home. And the hardest thing in the world has been to deal with my own teenage boys, who investigate the porn that is freely offered and easily available to today's youth, who have so much more time to spend looking for it than their caring parents have to protect them from it. I haven't told my kids about my family. It's just too much ugliness, and we're all just trying to move on and leave it in the past. But I question my choice when I tell my teenage son pornography is bad, and he spits back at me, "That's your opinion." Oh no it's not. It's fact. And my whole family has the scars to prove it. Labels: addiction, brothers, children, depression, divorce, everyone is affected, family, internet, pornography, sexual abuse, spouse
Tell your kids. The mistake that all of us make is not communicating things and letting it all out when it's already too late. Tell them before hand so they know the ramifications of the things they view and do. They will have an appropriate perspective before having to address these things and take tabs from everyone else but you.
Posted at
January 18, 2008 11:35 AM
Where does everyone think that rape, sexual abuse of children, and adultry stem from!? FROM PORNOGRAPHY!!!! Wake up idiots! Those evils would decrease by probably 99.9% If there was no pornography! People grow to accustom to it's effects, and then it's just not enough for them anymore.
Posted at
January 18, 2008 3:18 PM
i can understand not wanting to share such atrocities with your children. it is understandable that you would want to protect them from anything you could. unfortunately, your family's history with using pornography will affect them just the same, whether or not they know the reason, and knowing the reason may help them to eschew the culprit, pornography, before it is too late and another generation is destroyed. my grandfather was a secret addict, as was my father and now, no surprise, the addiction has its talons deep in my younger brother. telling your children their history gives them the dignity of all important information so they do not proceed unawares and fall into trecherous territory.
Posted at
January 18, 2008 3:47 PM
Tell your kids. I feel like the kids today can handle it and maybe they can learn from other's mistakes. It will give them something to think about if they feel the chains of porn/lust start to take away their self worth. They are exposed to so much on the internet, tv, movies and talk at school. Porn and abuse feeds off secrets and lies. We need insightful young men today so give your boys a chance to stand up for good. Just an idea and I feel it is always good to check with people that know you and your family.
Posted at
July 1, 2008 7:11 AM
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Perhaps, although probably too late for me, this story will help others. My life involving pornography began in the mid 60's, when there was not much knowledge of the problem or hope for help. I married the man of my dreams and we had many positive aspects to our marriage. It was a sweet enough relationship to bring seven children into this world. However, I, like others express in their stories, knew something was wrong, but it was 10 years into our marriage until I found out what it was. When discovered at age 12, he was told not to talk about it, yet talk was what we both needed. I would have seen us through, but he decided I couldn't and after affairs finally left. I do not claim to have been a perfect wife, but I loved my husband with all my heart and still do. My life and the lives of my children have all been impacted by his addiction to pornography. Yes, he tried to keep 'it' from us, but it is impossible to keep the effects on one's life, one's disposition, one's inner spirit, one's escape mechanisms from affecting those around us. Many of our children have struggled with their own addictions, but hopefully have overcome . . . I don't know, for they, too, have learned to not talk about their problems. My heart aches, and I write only to encourage those involved to TALK (One counselor told me that 85% of those who communicated -- shared in overcoming the problem made it -- only 35% of those who did not talk made it)-- GET IT OUT IN THE OPEN -- GET HELP. DON'T EMBRACE THE LIE THAT THIS IS JUST THE WAY I AM. MINDS CAN BE CHANGED. LIVES CAN BE CLEANED. GOOD LUCK!! Labels: addiction, early addiction, family, pornography, spouse, unfaithful
Thank you so much for your encouraging words. Accountability is really one of the best tools for those who are trying to break free from addiction (http://blogs.covenanteyes.com/2008/01/24/why-accountability-part-1/).
I work for Covenant Eyes, a company that makes Internet accountability software for those who want greater integrity with their Internet usage. It is so rewarding to read testimony after testimony from those who have found freedom in confession and removing the anonymity of Internet usage.
God bless!
Posted at
January 31, 2008 12:41 PM
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After a few months being together, I found out that my boyfriend had had a problem with pornography. I thought it was a past issue and never really worried. I tried to make things less awkward or hard for him like not walking through the intimates section while going through a store or something. Later on in the relationship, he confessed his ongoing struggle. I told him I already knew he had had problems and that we would try and beat this together. He was so grateful that I wasn't hurt by the fact of what he was into so deeply. Months later, he told me in much more detail and openness about his struggles he had gone through over the course of things. He had never told anyone so much about it. He was in tears and anguish over what he had done. He had never meant to get into it. He had be an adolescent when it started. He struggled for years and years. He overcame it about 2+ years ago and has been clean since, though some days are harder than others. Though I trust him and know he doesn't want to return to that awful place, he says it helps that I periodically check in on it. Another experience I've had with pornography is that it tore my family apart. My biological father looked at it much through out his life and as a result it greatly affected his mind. Over the years growing up, it has become more and more apparent. He stayed up late, was grouchy, defensive, and his personality and attitude will never be the same. I've seen some of the names of the sites and its horrible. Plus, he never even told my mom. She found out through a counselor they saw. And in the last few years, the way he acts towards my younger sister has been getting somewhat disturbing. It really is a poison that needs to be flushed out of the world. It tears up families, lives, souls, hearts; if we let it, it will tear the world. Labels: addiction, boyfriends, distrust, emotional pain, family, fathers, pornography
My husband is a porn addict. (casual porn addict, as he does not fully believe he's addicted since he doesn't look at it at every chance, ever day). I sure wish he would come to me crying sometimes, or at least sad, being honest with me telling me things...but usually we start with a fight where I tell him I am feeling so sick cuz I know he is holding things back...and after him saying many times that nothing is wrong and he gets angry I keep pushing, he eventually gives in every couple months and tells me what I pry for.
I can relate, my dad was a sex addict all his life, which involves porn, and all aspects, he'd basically have sex with anyone, and could never be faithful in his 4 different marriages. He is now in prison for accused "rape" I don't really picture him forcing sex on someone, but I don't feel bad even if it is a false accusation because he lived his life in a way that put him in a bad position, so now he's in prison. I really thought I married a deep, religious man who saw porn and similar things as unappealing filth. Instead he looks at it, then doesn't take his problem seriously, and he never seems like he feels very sorry for it. I am happy to know that your man overcame his problem. I hope my husband will soon, or at least be honest, or we'll be looking at divorce soon.
Posted at
June 3, 2008 5:33 PM
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Four years ago my daughters husband walked out on his wife and two children. He was having an affair with her "friend". Both were "good" church goers etc. , and ironically still are ! His two children hate him, they are 10 & 8 and harbor deep resentment that he replaced them with a new family. How did this all come about - porn! After the divorce I took the computer to a friend to get it fixed so the kids could use it for school work. My friend called me and asked whose computer it was,I explained it was my son-in-laws etc. and asked him why. He told me it so full of the most offensive images that he simple put a new hard drive in and destroyed the old one! It was then I realized what had driven this marriage into the ground,destroying so many lives. Yet this man and the new wife continue on looking saintly to all others. I cannot believe he is not still addicted as I see how he acts when he doesn't have an audience. Porn propagates deception, lies,misery and so so much pain. As I hold my grandchildren and try to console their broken little hearts I commit to do all I can to help stop the spread of this desolating addiction and bring all who put it out there to justice. Labels: children, devestation, divorce, emotional pain, family
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I found out my husband was planning to meet another woman when I came across the conversation they had over the internet. Until that time, I had no idea he had a problem with pornography! I knew that we were struggling in our relationship and in almost every aspect of our life, but I didn't know what was causing it. I thought it was me. I thought I must not be doing everything I needed to do, that I wasn't a good enough wife and mother. I prayed that I would know what I could do to make things better for my family, and within a week I found out what was really going on. My husband is addicted to sex, which started as an addiction to pornography at a very young age. That was almost two years ago. Even though I wanted to take my children and run, I decided to stay in the marriage and help him with his addiction. With the help of LDS family services, he attends group meetings weekly, and is making progress in his recovery. There is even a meeting for the spouses where I gain so much strength and hope, being surrounded by women who know how I feel and are dealing with the same struggles I face! Unfortunately, pornography addiction is so much more common than we want to believe, and there are so many people out there who are addicted, but don't want to admit it. It was really hard for my husband to admit his addiction, but it has opened the way for him to recover from it. It will probably take years to get over it completely, but I have seen him change spiritually, and our life is much richer now. Labels: family, internet, sexual addiction, Success, unfaithful
Thank you for mentioning LDS Family Services!! I know that the Addiction Recovery Program works and I am so thankful for it.
Posted at
January 22, 2008 1:30 PM
Thank You for sharing your story. I found these images on my computer as well. I confronted my husband . He didn't admit it at first. I convinced him that it couldn't be anybody else. He says he viewed it only occasionally. Should I believe him or is it more of a cover up? He does stay up late on the computer and I am not there with him. Do you recommend a good filter?
sincerely Hope
Posted at
January 23, 2008 10:05 PM
I am LDS too- our bishop has also referred us in the direction of LDS family services, and I wasn't sure if that would be a good place to go or not. I am glad to see a referral. Most of all, I am glad to read success stories. The failure stories are the ones most heard of, and I feel like leaving sometime not because things are "so bad" in our marriage right now, but for my fear that things will only get worse. Thank you for your success story that gives me hope and strength, and most of all, lets me know I am not alone.
Posted at
May 5, 2008 11:47 AM
I am LDS too- our bishop has also referred us in the direction of LDS family services, and I wasn't sure if that would be a good place to go or not. I am glad to see a referral. Most of all, I am glad to read success stories. The failure stories are the ones most heard of, and I feel like leaving sometime not because things are "so bad" in our marriage right now, but for my fear that things will only get worse. Thank you for your success story that gives me hope and strength, and most of all, lets me know I am not alone.
Posted at
May 5, 2008 11:47 AM
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My husband developed a pornography and sex addiction that escalated to prostitution. Lying and deceit abounded. Yet, committed were we both to overcoming the awful ramifications. I didn't know how it would work but I knew that I wanted to try as hard as I could. I felt that it was God's will that families be together. I prayed and had faith that if God (and my husband) were willing, that I could be alright enough to keep going too. I know that isn't the outcome for many, and I wouldn't want to judge another in as devastating a situation. Just as I didn't know how it would work out, I may not ever know whether he's really free of the addiction or not. Trust is something you'll have to learn to live without for a while, all you precious women suffering from something like this right now. My heart goes out to you -- truly. All I can really say is how I'm feeling and what I think of my marriage, and this much I think is true: For six years I suffered and struggled feeling that something was terribly missing. I rationalized marriage was just not all I hoped and imagined it would be. Then my husband confessed. He was very humble and sincere and it was all actually a relief and kind of endearing to me -- beyond the painfulness, of course. I thought, oh good, that was why things felt wrong and now they'll be good again. Then he was more deceitful and cruel and emotionally abusive than ever before upon subsequent failures and relapses. It wasn't as easy as either of us expected. But six years later today, none of those things are missing that I longed for in the beginning and the father of my children is my husband because of our unwaivering commitment not to give up, but to keep going together and overcome, and because of the atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ. Things can eventually become OK, no matter how difficult. Someone once said to me, "Everything turns out in the end, and if it hasn't turned out yet, it's not the end." Listen closely and follow the promptings of the Holy Spirit for you, but if those promptings entice you to keep hanging in there, do so the best you can remembering that things will be OK in the end and striving to feel Heavenly Father's love for you -- and even your husband -- to keep you going in the meantime. All's truly well that ends well, thanks to the grace of God! Labels: children, distrust, family, lies, pornography, prostitution, unfaithful
After nearly 40 years of marriage and many children, I also learned why "marriage wasn't what I thought it would be": his addiction to pornography and prostitutes.BUT my husband didn't want to make real changes; he just wanted to cry and promise in order to get back into our home where he would be able to again have ours as well as his 'other life' through more lies and better cover up. The divorce is in process; I am at peace at last!
Posted at
January 17, 2008 12:15 PM
After nearly 40 years of marriage and many children, I learned at last why "marriage just wasn't what I thought it would be": his addiction to porn and eventual prostitution. He didn't really want to change; just pretend he already had and it would "never happen again", but he refused to do the hard work of counseling and complete personal and financial honesty-- chose divorce instead. Divorce proceeding; it's hard, but I'm at peace at last! It's OK to know it's time to go--and you'll be blessed and survive and thrive.
Posted at
January 17, 2008 12:24 PM
Thanks for your story. You are braver than me. I don't think our marriage would survive a relapse, but it is strong and happy now, after similiar "escalation". It's nice to hear of other success stories-I truly believe Christ can change us
Posted at
January 17, 2008 8:11 PM
Thank you for giving me some hope. No, not all situations do end up working out. I think it depends on if the husband is at least willing to really work at his problem and commit to being honest and to avoid the problem. Even if they fall, its okay if they at least have honesty and commitment to try.
I really needed to read you story because I have lost all hope recently. I don't want divorce, nor I am looking into getting divorce papers, but when I look into my future,Its like I see divorce. I don't picture the problem being gone. I have felt so alone, scared, and hopeless. Its hard to not become convinced that this addiction is uncurable, its something he'll always have so I should just leave now and spare myself a lifetime of pain. But some stories tell | | | |