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I am a 53 year old woman who is on her fourth marriage. I have been married for eight years. I had four children at home and thought I had met my prince charming, finally. I now only have one son who is seventeen. I confronted my husband about pornography and masturbation two years ago. I don't know, it just came out of me. He did not deny it and said he felt guilty. He would always want me to do things that didn't quite feel right. We separated for about six weeks. As this was not my first marriage and I loved him - I told him I did not want a divorce. He said he would "try" harder not to go there. But time after time he would return. I am a 53 year old woman who is on her fourth marriage. I have been married for eight years. I had four children at home and thought I had met my prince charming, finally. I now only have one son who is seventeen.
I confronted my husband about pornography and masturbation two years ago. I don't know, it just came out of me. He did not deny it and said he felt guilty. He would always want me to do things that didn't quite feel right. We separated for about six weeks. As this was not my first marriage and I loved him - I told him I did not want a divorce. He said he would "try" harder not to go there. But time after time he would return.
In the last 3-6 months I have been closer emotionally and intimately with him. Things have changed a little for the better in some areas. I know pornography is an intimacy issue for them. My husband was horribly abused as a child and forced to do awful things. I am a Christian woman so I decided to turn it over to God. In some of our intimate talks he has stated he did not know "why" he does it. He did do some counseling (about 6 sessions). They informed him of how devastating this is to your wife and family. I have seen him be in his own world - like he is not present in the moment and can also be very grumpy.
He has changed a lot but after two years and broken promises he has not "CHOSEN" to deal with this problem and when the stresses of life become to difficult that is where he goes - to fantasy. Recently I gave him an ultimatum. It was me or "IT". He moved out.
I cried for three days. My clergy said not to give up hope - as he had come in to discuss the problem with him. He told me he said he knew he needed to deal with the problem. That was about a week ago. He came back just a few days later needing sex and stayed.
I feel like the crazy one because I just don't know what to do. Today I told him this was not what I signed up for. He spent the day with himself (which is how they cope with the shame and the guilt) and said he felt obligated to come home and spend some time with me.
Last evening he told me "he was messed up" and wanted to talk to me but when he came home there was no talking. He looked exhausted and just went to sleep. It is hell for them too if they have a conscious. I told him I deserved better and not to do me any favors. He should want to be with me no matter what. I told him my life was a living hell with him. I don't sleep. This drives me crazy. I appreciate someone else's story as I know what they have gone through and their is hope in the future for me and my life. Labels: addiction, communication, distrust, divorce, emotional pain, pornography, sexual abuse
Thank you for sharing your story. It is so brave and helpful of you. There are so many of us who hurt and it helps to feel that we are not alone. I am so sorry for your pain. I admire your commitment to your marriage. I hope it is rewarded with a happy ending. However it goes I hope you know that his problem is not about you and it is not something that you can fix. That is entirely up to him. I hope for the happiness of you both that he will be able to have a complete and full change of heart. May God speak peace to your heart and sustain you at this time.
Posted at
July 24, 2008 12:31 AM
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My husband is a sex addicted. I discovered his addiction nine months ago. I was checking our account I found out a big transfer of money to our credit card. I was curious about it. There were several purchases on the credit card to a Spa service. It was by my house and I went down there to check out about the place and why my husband paid $200 dollars just two days previously. (read the rest of the story... click here)My husband is a sex addicted. I discovered his addiction nine months ago. I was checking our account I found out a big transfer of money to our credit card. I was curious about it. There were several purchases on the credit card to a Spa service. It was by my house and I went down there to check out about the place and why my husband paid $200 dollars just two days previously.
My heart was broken in millions of pieces, when I saw the girl that worked at the place. I was devastated to talk to them. They told me my husband was a regular customer for parlor massages. I looked all over my house but found nothing. No magazines, no other evidence.
After a check of the computer I found it was in full of porn. I called my husband to confront him, he didn't deny it, he told me the truth. He had been paying for prostitutes for three years. It was so painful that almost left him on the spot.
He promised he would look for help and is seeing a therapist and is involved in a 12 step recovery program for sex addicts. On his own word he has been "sober" since that day.
It is been hard for me and my child. He is doing well not to look at the computer at home. But my thoughts about his betrayal, that he slept with numerous girls during those three years is killing my love for him. He says he will not do it again he will be faithful to me and be a great dad. But my trust is gone, because he acts like nothing happened. He said to me "you can leave the past in the past and enjoy the present".
I do not how to deal with my pain, I’m doing everything for my baby because I grew up in house with out a father I don’t one my son to grow up with out one. I’m scared because we have to move to different country and I’m not sure that he will really change. I don’t what to do? Do I leave with him or get divorce and continue my life alon? Labels: addiction, adultery, children, depression, distrust, divorce, emotional pain, fathers, financial, internet, lies, pornography, prostitution, sexual addiction, unfaithful, young mothers
Wow, what a tough situation. You have to do what you really feel deep down will be best. If I were in your situation though, I don't think I'd trust him enough to leave the country with him, especially since he seems to show no remorse for his actions. You can raise your baby to be happy and nurtured as a single mom. Many women do it.
Like I said, look deep down and decide if you still love and can trust him anymore. God bless you, I hope everything will turn out well.
Posted at
July 9, 2008 9:51 AM
I was involved in a similar situation. I chose to stay with him for several years. I found that he never changed his ways, he just became more secretive. He would keep assuring me that there were, "no more secrets."
Finally, after years of punishing myself in this situation, I gained the strength to make him leave. I got myself checked for STD's and started taking care of myself because I had spent every waking hour fully financially supporting him (and his addiction, it turns out) and worrying myself.
Four years later, I find myself quite happy. I took an entire year off from dating any man, as I needed time for myself and I needed to get my head on straight so I would have the confidence to make an appropriate decision in another husband.
Well, I have found him. I can not tell you the blessings I have had in my life with an honest, clean man. We are very open with each other, and he treats me like a queen. I know by how he looks at me, and treats me that he truely loves me (that wasn't the case before). Marriage is never without its trials, but they are so much easier if both partners value faithfullness.
It was hard to end the marriage at first, because I did not have the self esteem, but it was well worth it! I have taken all that worry time, traveled the world, and I am now venturing on a new degree!
Life is never withouth trials, but it is a whole lot of fun if you have a loyal, loving, partner!
In fact, last week, after speaking at a public event, somebody in the community (who knew my x and I) told my father how impressed he was with how I turned out dispite the terrible things that had happened to me. I take pride in working hard to get to this point. I am respected, and I deserve it. You and your child deserve it too.
Posted at
July 9, 2008 11:06 AM
I am so sorry for how your husband has betrayed you. He should be sorry too. If he is not, that may be part of your answer. Have you explained your feelings? You need him to know how he has hurt you. This pain will not go away for a long time if you stay with him. It will be painful if you leave too. I am not saying you should leave or stay...only you can decide that, but if you stay his very presence will tear at your heart. If he cares about you or is sorry he should respect that and feel horrible .
Is there any way you could stay where you are or near friends and family with the baby while he leaves? You will need a lot of support at a time like this. Do you have any? Leaving your friends and loved ones now will put you in an even more vulnerable position. You are important and so are your feelings. How do you want your son's Mother to be treated? May God bless you with strength of conviction and peace of mind. I pray that you will see your own incredible value as a Mother, as a woman, and as a child of God.
Posted at
July 9, 2008 11:16 AM
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I've known my husband since high school when we were in the ROTC together. We started dating just two days after meeting. He had the most beautiful smile. It was literally love at first sight. He treated me like a queen. Years later, after having had to move due to my dad's job, I came back to town we started dating again and got married. We were 20 years old. My marriage shortly after came tumbling down and fast. My heart felt shipwrecked still is and I feel so alone. He started the porn during the first 5 to 6 months of our marriage. Right after I had a miscarriage. I was so angry and upset as I had found his history of pornography on the computer THE VERY DAY WE LOST OUR CHILD!! ( click here to read the entire story) I've known my husband since high school when we were in the ROTC together. We started dating just two days after meeting. He had the most beautiful smile. It was literally love at first sight. He treated me like a queen.
Years later, after having had to move due to my dad's job, I came back to town we started dating again and got married. We were 20 years old. My marriage shortly after came tumbling down and fast. My heart felt shipwrecked still is and I feel so alone.
He started the porn during the first 5 to 6 months of our marriage. Right after I had a miscarriage. I was so angry and upset as I had found his history of pornography on the computer THE VERY DAY WE LOST OUR CHILD!!
Promises promises broken broken weeks to months to years of false promises lies, betrayal. He was addicted to all kinds of pornography like hentai, japanese anime cartoons having sex (I never even knew that existed!!). Not long after I confronted him. Then the abuse started.
I was eight months pregnant with our daughter when I told him I wanted the pornography out of our house! He grew furious and drug me across the floor with a trash bag in my hand and forced me to throw them away as he said he wasn't going to do it himself. I got slapped, pushed, shook.
I was so scared for my child I just knew I was going to miscarry. This abuse continued off and on for over a year or two. Even after my daughter was born. I remember he'd chase after us once and I locked her and myself up in our bedroom as he punched the door open like freaking Jack Nicholson with his axe in the Shining.
It was then that I realized my husband had a real problem pornography that was making him violent, angry, and controlling. I thought, this was not the man I married... but he was, I just never knew it.
We had agreed before we married that there would be no pornography in our marriage and no abuse as I told him I'd never marry a man whom treated a woman with such disrespect. I was wrong. So wrong, so dumb. I felt like a dog, a loser. The man that had sworn to protect me to honor me and love me was abusing me.
Then he would tell me that I wanted TOO MUCH SEX!! What? A husband complaining that his wife wanted to much sex? Months would go by when I realized it was he that wanted too much sex. But just not with me. There was even an incident where I was with my two year old daughter and caught him in the parking lot masturbating.
The last incident I came home after buying his birthday gift. He had got around the parent control system I'd set up and watched videos of lesbians while my two year old was up and HOME WITH HIM. She was taking a bath while he was doing this!
I was so angry. Worse, I found out that he'd been doing this for two weeks maybe more with me sitting right next to him or while I was working out in the very same room. Only two feet away from me and he was looking at this. I want to leave but then don't it's so hard we have two little girls.
He has not abused me in 4 years, but the porn continues. I'm falling apart. Feel so alone. So ugly I find myself making myself sick from working out so hard now and not eating. I never thought I was fat or ugly until the porn images in my head. I know I'm not suppose to blame myself and to know it isn't my fault. But I can't help it. He does this knowing I'll leave him for it.
He's made blood oaths. He's got down on his hands and knees and begs me to stay. Though he always goes back to pornography, promise after promise. I feel mocked as he does this when I told him how it makes me feel less of a woman. I feel cheated on every time.
I want my life back to be myself again to be happy and prideful of my husband but how can I be if I can't trust a word that comes from his mouth. The irony is I asked him how he would feel if I was like these girls that put themselves on the internet. He said he'd leave me if I ever did that. What is the difference? Why is it OK for other women but not his own wife? Why is it hot and sexy for them but I dare not go out even in a gown on my front porch without seemingly being a slut though secretly he is attracted to these kind of women.
He's also admitted that if I looked at other naked guys he'd feel the same why as me? REALLY? Then why keep doing me this way why risk losing everything you have for minutes of pleasure compared to a lifetime of joy of knowing you have a wife and kids that love you more than anything in this world.
I've always been able to pick myself up from this to believe I don't deserve this that I am better than this and etc etc. But now? After 6 years of lies, betrayal so many bad memories erasing the good? I know men and some women that don't consider pornography wrong or cheating. But I ask how is it not? Your imagining sex with someone other than your spouse. At times you choose it over your spouse. It causes self esteems to be crushed, broken families, depression. Not to mention it makes the most sincere, sweetest men into total pigs, violent, controlling.
This was really hard to write and I'm at a loss. I know I'm not the only woman out there suffering day by day but at times it feels like it. Any woman going through this knows entirely what I mean... My heart and prayers for you all as I live this every day.
The most I fear for is my children through this all. What is it showing them? And if I leave I'm breaking my family apart taking them away from their daddy. But if I stay will he ever ever do as he says? Or will I stay only to realize I'm just making things worse by staying for myself and my kids and even for him? I'm I sitting myself up again to get hurt by the man I've known nearly half my life as my best friend, lover and now husband and father of my beautiful girls. This is what goes through my mind constantly every day.
Supposedly, he went two years with no porn at all!. Just 2 weeks ago was the incident with him on the computer and my daughter in the bathtub! I've got to put my kids first and him last... And that is my choice it is how it should be. As he is not my responsibility but they are and they are my world. Labels: addiction, adultery, children, depression, distrust, divorce, fathers, internet, physical abuse, pornography, sexual abuse
I am so sorry that you have gone through so much heartache. You are not alone. I have no answers for you but I want you to know that your reaction to pornography is the right one. It is poison that is killing everything it touches.
While most of our culture sits around blind to what Porn is doing to us a few of us are waking up to the horror. Pornography has done so much damage to women. We are putting all of our self worth in the basket that is filled by how attractive we are to others. And who could blame us? How many women are going through painful surgeries, starving themselves and worse just to look right for some looser in love with touched up fake women on line?
Our husbands views of women is a terrible message to your daughters, to mine, and to you and me. Here we are, there are no easy answers but you are right to protect your daughters and you are right try to live a life as far away as you can get from porn. Good luck, God Bless you and do what you need to protect your daughters. In my case it means staying...Be careful and if he hurts you again, please get away from him and turn him in. You deserve to be safe and your daughters should never see their mother treated so badly.
Posted at
June 25, 2008 4:55 PM
I am so sorry for what you've gone through. I experienced some of the same, but from the view that your children will. My father was addicted to porn, and he molested my sister and I, and beat my brothers all the time. It tore us apart as kids. We were actually really glad when my mom finally was able to kick my "father" out for good. I haven't had any contact with him since the divorce 10 years ago, and that is my choice. I will do everything I have to do to protect my daughters from that monster. I encourage you to get away from your husband. If the pornography isn't enough, the physical abuse should be. He sounds really violent. I really think it would be better for your children in the long run. I've gone through a lot of counseling to get over the things I experienced growing up, and I am glad I've been able to work through them. The longer that your children are exposed to his violence the more it will impact them. For now, I really suggest that you try not to leave your kids alone with him. You don't want them to become victims at his hands. Good luck, and may the Lord help you through this.
Posted at
June 25, 2008 6:34 PM
I have deep sympathy for you and your children (the miscarriage also). I would like to gently bring something to your attention. You stated in your article that he has not abused you for 4 years - then you go on to say that you feel poorly about yourself.....
I have been in this situation also. Not until years later, after separating myself from him and surrounding myself with people who thought highly of me, did I regain my self esteem. The reason that you feel so bad is NOT because of you or any of your decisions or any of your actions. You are still being severely emotionally abused. We women of porn-addictive spouses develop a lot of ways that allow us to continue to be abused.
I do not know if you believe in a higher being (or if you are religious)but, this quote helped me understand something that I didn't understand while in a porn-infested relationship. This is regarding women/girls: "There has come to you as your birthright something beautiful and sacred and divine. Never forget that. Your Eternal Father is the great Master of the universe. He rules over all, but He also will listen to your prayers as His daughter and hear you as you speak with Him. He will answer your prayers. He will not leave you alone."
If you have any religious belief in a higher being that can help you know what to do..... pray, meditate, and have the courage to do what is right. That higher being does not want women to be abused, used, neglected, or sad. That higher being will help you have the strength to help yourself and your children. If you don't have confidence in yourself, have confidence in that higher being to escort you out of the darkness of pornography into a fun, happy, and exciting life. My life is full of beauty and blessings after four years of recovering from the abuse. (Not easy, but well-worth it).
Posted at
June 26, 2008 6:42 PM
I'm very sorry for this torture that you are enduring. Pornography is such a poison, and has hurt so many families, mine included. I can relate to your hurt and disgust.
I've been attending a support group, it's put on by my church, but there are others there that go to SANON meetings. It's like ALANON. It's specifically for sex addicts families, spouses. I've found it IMMENSELY HELPFUL.
Posted at
June 27, 2008 12:58 AM
I want my life back too. My husband has never been violent with me. But I found out 3 weeks ago about his porn addiction that had been going on for at least 10 months. He started just days after our 2nd wedding anniversary.He would do it while I was at work, he was supposed to be watching our son, instead he would spend hours looking at porn on-line.
We have talked and he says he is insecure with himself and that he was doing it so he could last longer with me. This makes no sense to me. I realized when I found out about his problem that was why I no longer enjoyed sex with him and explained why I felt like he was just having sex with me to have sex, instead of making love to me like he used to.
I also know that I cannot blame myself. I still feel alone and betrayed, after all looking at other women is not being faithful to me his wife. The way I see it is that he broke his wedding vows. I am lost and do not know how to get over this pain and lonliness or how to trust him. I know he is trying to make me feel loved, but he over looks the liitle things like an extra hug or the focus on me. He does the things I ask him to I feel I should not have to tell my husband how to show me he loves me. Just yesterday he told me that the simple things I need to see him do to show his love are not that simple. I don't know what to think of that just that comment crushed any hope I had for him.
Before we got married we promised to never get divorced and I know we will get through this and be stronger but I feel like he takes me for granted and I don't know how to get over that I feel like he has torn our family apart.
Posted at
June 27, 2008 5:23 PM
I feel so terrible for you. My husband also is addicted to porn and will do anything to watch it. he has bought dvd recorders, gotten new cable boxes, and anything else he can do to watch it. I didn't have a horrible problem with it until I found a tape he had made without my knowledge. Not only was I on there but most of the tape was me unconcious while he was raping and sodimizing me. It is horrible. Like you I know my husband is not this person (or at least I thought so.) I want to leave but I don't know how. I wish that men could never hurt women like they do.
Posted at
June 28, 2008 8:09 PM
I know what you are going through.I am there with you.I do consider porn a form of adultry.I have fought the urge to leave for years.I have starved myself and cried myself to sleep.He has promised to give it up anf threw it away and I slowly go back to trusting him but not anymore.I will never trust him and now I just believe no matter what he says that he watches porn.It has ruined our sex life but most of all it changed how I look at him.He gets angry too when he is caught and tries to change it around on me and now there is resentment not because he looks at porn but because its the only thing I have ever asked him to give up for me and he cant do it.I have give up anything he has ever asked not because it was wrong but because it was important to him as a a show of undying love.I cant do that anymore and that is a shame .Now i ignore his whining about what I do and just continue .I dont see us together in the future.i try to picture it wihtout him.I am only still with him until my daughter leaves for college and I can get things in order.I know some would view this as wrong but I have to do it this way for my sanity.He becomes overwhelmingly controlling if he thinks I havent let it go.I dont know if you can get your life back the way you knew it.You can accept the changes and make a new life or find the life you want for yourself.My husband thinks there is nothing wrong with it and I am wrong for trying to control what a 50 yr. old man views but as with you he controls everything I wear in public and I believe his perverted ideas are because of porn.I am not an addict and will no longer let someone elses addiction control my world.
Posted at
July 7, 2008 11:23 AM
I understand how it hurts and the same thing happened to me and I could not ever get my trust back again.It hurts and you hope he will stop but most likely he wont.I took my 7 year old daughter and left.I am much happier now and have met a wonderful man who respects me and treats us like we should be treated.Porn is a way of cheating allthough many women enjoy it,as well,I find it nasty and sick.I love sex but have always been strong on my dislike for porn or magazines.Just remember you should never be jealous because they are phony and airbrushed and made up and you are real and what this whole porn issue is,is disrespect not jealousy.He is a cheater and you are better then that.Good luck and I will pray for your strength young lady.
Posted at
July 8, 2008 12:47 AM
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My husband's addiction began long before we ever met. He was exposed to pornography even before he reached puberty, and developed habits that became an addiction and grew as time went on. By the time he met me, my husband was an accomplished liar and very good at portraying himself as a "good boy". Click here to read the entire story...My husband's addiction began long before we ever met. He was exposed to pornography even before he reached puberty, and developed habits that became an addiction and grew as time went on.
By the time he met me, my husband was an accomplished liar and very good at portraying himself as a "good boy". I thought we shared the same values and beliefs and that he was everything I wanted in a husband. We were married in an LDS temple. However, he was living a double life. His addiction had developed into illegal activities - the risk involved was part of the high he craved. He was a "peeping tom" and even tried to make videos of women undressing in their homes.
After 7 years of marriage, my husband confessed to his pornography/masturbation addiction and the years of deception. The story came out in chunks, over several weeks. He was excommunicated from our church. It was like he had dropped a bomb on my head, I was completely devastated by all he told me.
How could I have been so utterly oblivious? I now understood so many things. The first few years of marriage, he would often turn down my sexual advances. (After we started having children I didn't notice it as much, since I was either pregnant or sleep-deprived!) I would notice that he acted upset or angry, yet he would say nothing was wrong. He would often stay up on the computer after I went to bed, saying it was for work or church or just to unwind. I call this "Round 1".
He was very remorseful and promised to change his life. He met with a therapist twice (what a joke!). I focused on trying to deal with the pain and trust him again. I didn't realize that although my husband had radically changed his behavior, he had not altered any of his thoughts, beliefs or desires. Without changing all the things going on in his head, it was only a matter of time before he would relapse.
Four years passed and we had our third child. We then moved across the country, back to my home state. This began "Round 2" - he relapsed in a big way. I became aware that he was viewing pornography again he acted very sorry. But as months went by, the same scenario kept repeating over and over. I would notice he was acting different and ask how he was doing. He would (unconvincingly) reassure me that he was fine. A day or two later, he would confess his latest "episode". But it would never be the whole story. A few more days, and he would reveal the rest of the story. I was always "waiting for the other shoe to drop"...waiting for the truth. He then became more blatant, getting on the computer while I was in the shower or even in another room for a few minutes. I felt like I couldn't leave the house when he was at home, because I knew he would take the opportunity to view online pornography. I started to get a glimpse of his thoughts and beliefs, and it was truly appalling. I could see no indication that his behavior was changing, and decided that I needed to leave him so he would realize the consequences of his actions. But I couldn't figure out the logistics of making it work - I had 3 kids (one was 7 months old) and no means of income.
A few months later, my husband began our church's Addiction Recovery Program. About halfway through the 12 steps, he finally realized how skewed his thinking was and started to make REAL change. After going to church and going through the motions his whole life, he finally put Jesus Christ in charge of his life. It has been about 7 months since he finished the ARP. Our communication is now very open and we periodically discuss "how he is doing". It is a daily struggle, but he is determined to not succumb. I am grateful that I had the strength to make it to this point. I feel like my husband has finally become the person I thought I married 12 years ago! Labels: addiction, children, communication, divorce, emotional pain, family, fathers, internet, lies, Success
Thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry for your years of pain. I sincerely hope that your happy ending sticks and that more of us can have such an ending to the porn phase of our marriage.
Posted at
June 25, 2008 5:05 PM
I am going thr the same thing please pray for me i am so scared
Posted at
June 26, 2008 4:27 PM
Best of wishes to all of you going through this process. No matter the outcome, never forget:
"You are creatures of divinity; you are daughters of the Almighty. Limitless is your opotential. Magnificent is your future."
Posted at
June 26, 2008 6:51 PM
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[editor's note: this entry is sometimes explicit and may not be comfortable for some people. But the story is powerful and she needs your support]Two’s company, three’s a crowd:- My husband, me and pornography. I first got married when I was very young and pregnant. Sadly the marriage was a mistake and as the years passed we found we had no love for each other. When our son was just 12 and our daughter was only a toddler of 2, we separated.
The divorce was nasty and traumatic and during the separation period I had a major nervous breakdown- even attempting suicide. Our children were both very badly affected by the whole situation. We agreed that the boy should stay with his father and the girl should stay with me. That was a big mistake as even to this day I struggle to have a normal relationship with my own son, and our daughter won’t speak to her father.
My ex- poisoned my son’s mind with so many untrue stories about me that he has even attacked me and my home in order to vent his fury. The whole experience was nasty and my ex - even became violent towards me as well.
I brought the little girl up and did an awful job. Depressed people become very introvert and full of self pity as that is part of the disease. I regret to say that I paid my daughter very little attention during the formative years when she needed a mothers love. In later years she stopped going to school, stopped eating, started taking drugs and self harming. Eventually she ran away from home at just 13 and only came back a year later because she had become so ill.
I have tried to help her and she has improved, but she has never been happy. She is now 20 and unemployed with bleak prospects. I feel that both my ex- and I have been irresponsible, selfish and are completely to blame for what our children suffered. If I could turn back the hands of time I would have stayed in my loveless first marriage until at least our children were old enough to find their own ways in the world. I am full of sorrow and regret but it is all too late.
So now, if ever I hear of a marriage breaking up or a relationship in trouble, if children are involved I would always encourage the couple to try and work it out. I really wish I had tried harder.
Anyway the years passed by and eventually I recovered my sanity and met husband number 2. He knew about my past and was kind and understanding. However I should have seen the warning lights when on our wedding night he refused to make love to me. This was 12 years ago and out of interest I would like to describe what I looked like 12 years ago.
During my former 5 years of depression I had used exercise as a way of coping with my pain. I would run away all my tears and anger and would go the gym to meet people. 5 years of doing this and my body was slim, toned and amazing. I will probably sound vain when I say this, but I am tired of reading that only men married to ugly women use pornography because that is simply not true. I have always been blessed with good looks and never had a problem attracting a man. As a bride to be I had made more effort than ever to ensure my skin and hair looked great for my weeding. Yet here I was in the sexiest of underwear with my tones shapely body and my new husband didn’t want to know. I had to plead with him to make love to me. That is how the start of our married life continued.
He would have to masturbate just to get an erection and even then was unable to have an orgasm. Can you believe that he used to fake it? I began to realise that begging for intimacy and having your partner fake it was undignified and unbecoming….so I simply gave up. I hoped that taking the pressure away from him would ease the situation. We both desperately wanted a child, but without lovemaking this clearly wasn’t going to happen.
At this time I had no idea what my husband’s problem was and thought it was just something physical or psychological. He told me he was under stress from work. Anyway- we had to resort to IVF to conceive our daughter since we could not conceive her in the normal way. Our daughter changed our lives and we both love and adore her so much, but whilst just 14 weeks pregnant with her I finally discovered my husbands problem was.
I was in the attic over our garage searching for something when I came across a large bag I had not seen before. As I opened it I was confronted with hundreds or pornographic video tapes. I am not just talking a few tapes here- but something like 300 tapes. I had been feeling sorry for my husband thinking that due to stress at work he had lost his sex drive. However now I knew the truth and his sex drive was alive and kicking. He loved sex- just not with me.
I brought the tapes indoors, destroyed them all, packed my bags and left. I was heartbroken and felt such a fool. He was devastated when he came home and found his pregnant wife had left him. He begged me to return and promised that he would never ever look at pornography ever again. He swore on his life that he would give it up for ever.
Our daughter is now 8 years old, and I can tell you that his promises were just words and nothing more than that. He has broken that promise a million times since and I would never believe any man who ever said they would never look at porn ever again. The years have passed and although I have put on about a stone in weight and am pushing 50, I am still an attractive woman with a good body that I have always looked after.
Men still chase me- but not my husband. My marriage is sexless and my husband finds ever more inventive ways to access porn.
- I blocked off the bad TV channels, so he got a computer.
- I put porn blocks on his computer, but he could still down load “You Tube” videos as the software doesn’t block them.
- I had spyware (Webwatcher) installed so I could see what he was doing and found he was accessing adult contact sites.
- My little daughter would be playing games on the Disney sites when a popup of a naked lady would appear on screen.
The family PC was badly contaminated by all the dodgy sites he had been on, so I just removed the PC. Of course that didn’t stop him and men get very inventive when they hide porn.
Cars are a good place to search. I have found many a magazine under the spare wheel. He gets DVD’s now and they are so much smaller and easier to conceal that the old chunky video tapes from a few years back. I had to face it – my 2nd husband was addicted to porn and did not want to make love to me because he preferred the fantasy and the young nubile bodies presented to him in this glossy unreal world of titillation.
I now have my own confession to make. Many years back I was so distressed by his behavior towards me, I decided to seek revenge. My reasoning was that if he could have his own secret little sexual world- then so could I. So I started to have one night stands.
Some were guys from adult contact sites, some were guys from work, some were guys I just met whilst out shopping in the supermarket. As I mentioned before, attracting men was never a problem for me once I put up the “available” sign. I didn’t want to have an affair as believe it or not, I was madly in love with my husband.
I didn’t want a relationship with another man. Yet I have to admit now- these one night stands were seedy and I hated every moment. You may laugh (or cry) when I tell you this, but I had to close my eyes and pretend the stranger having sex with me was my husband, to even become aroused. Isn’t that normally a reversal of the standard rule?
I think my husband suspected I was up to something, but to be honest I don’t think he cared enough to pay that much attention or to have me followed. After a year or so I gave up this behavior of my own accord because I realized it wasn’t really revenge at all. How can a secret be revenge? I was only hurting and insulting myself.
I have been a “wife in a porn affected marriage” for 12 years now and I am not sure what to advise woman on this site. Despite his weakness and addiction I still love my husband and my little daughter is a happy well adjusted child who is growing up in what she believes to be a happy family unit. After the way I hurt my eldest 2 children through divorcing husband number 1, there is no way on Gods earth I am going to destroy the innocent childhood of my child by husband number 2.
So you can probably guess that I have elected to stay inside my loveless marriage for the sake of my little girl. She is more important to me than my lack of a loving sex life. Also the grass is now always greener on the other side. I left a husband who was physically and mentally abusive towards me and replaced him with a man addicted to porn who never touches me – no kisses, no cuddles and certainly no sex.
Lots and lots on men use porn these days as it is all over the place, as are lap dancing bars and escort services. I could swap husband number one with husband number 3 and find out he uses prostitutes. Men are so weak and there are no guarantees that the replacement partner won’t have the same or even worse vices. I have also stopped all the obsessive searching for his porn as it become too time consuming and makes one a bit paranoid.
I used to always look at my husband black underwear for white stains as that was a tell tale sign that he had been masturbating. However now I close my eyes and throw them in the washing machine quickly. I could always tell when the DVD unit in the bedroom had been turned on, when I had switched it off just before I went to work. It is easy to spot when my husbands been up to his usual thing, but I try not to see the signs. Instead I have tried to find a happy life of my own.
I have my hobbies, lots of friends and as always my gym and my running. I also try to be the loving mother to my daughter that I should have been to my 1st daughter. She is my top priority in life. I can’t ever say that my porn addicted husband and I will stay together forever. I can’t ever say I will ever really trust him, and maybe the next step will be that he moves onto the next level and makes sexual contact with a real person. However I can’t say I really care anymore. It’s much easier not to care as you will never cure these guys I do try to make it difficult for him to access porn (as in getting rid of his PC and the DVD), but I know I can never totally prevent it.
I have lots of close male friends at work, who whilst not addicted and remaining as loving husbands to their wives, still confess to occasionally stopping at a service station with a porn magazine which they dispose of straight afterwards.
You can’t imprison your partner or put them on a leash. There will always be porn opportunities for men who want it. So it’s a no win situation for people like me. Oh and before anyone accuses me of being a frigid prude, can I assure anyone reading this that this is anything but the truth. I do not disapprove of pornography at all and have before now have found it quite arousing and erotic. What I do not approve of is its misuse to the degree that a man prefers the use of porn to making love to his wife.
Lovemaking gives a relationship warmth and intimacy and without it the partnership can lose its sparkle. My husband is virtually little more than a friend and a distance has come between us. I think having a flutter on a horse can be fun, but I believe that gambling on a regular basis can be financially devastating. I think a glass of wine with a meal s fantastic, but I believe becoming an alcoholic is life threatening and destructive. I think that using erotic images as part of a loving sexual relationship is healthy, but I believe replacing the sexual relationship with porn is selfish, irresponsible and quite frankly sad.Labels: adultery, children, depression, distrust, divorce, emotional pain, fathers, honesty, internet, pornography, sexual addiction, unfaithful, young mothers
I have been thinking a lot about you and your post. I too am dealing with a man who prefers porn over intimacy. With children involved the situation becomes complicated. I don't know if it is better to stay with a man who deals with this or to leave. The fear of the children being exposed is my greatest concern. How can a man be the kind of father he needs to be for a child when he is involved with such a perverted and sexually addictive habit? There is so much heartache and sadness that revolves around pornography. I will be thinking of you and hoping the best for you.
Posted at
June 2, 2008 11:20 AM
I know the impact of pornography. I was exposed as a child to porn, and it nearly destroyed my life. As a young man, I gave myself to the pleasures that pornography brings. I offered myself to lust, seeking the promises of thrills and excitement. Eventually, I began to want to stop, but I couldn't. Years of exposure tainted my soul and left images in my head. I was addicted. My marriage was falling apart, my hopes to be a minister were slipping away, but I couldn’t let go of my sinful habit, no matter how hard I tried.
But then, God got my attention! It was only after I began to see just how God felt about pornography and lust that I began to change within. Pornography is sin; therefore, it is a spiritual issue and must be dealt with at this level first. Before a man or woman can break free from sin, they must acknowledge it as sin. Then, God can begin to open their eyes and help them to see just how much destruction it is causing.
If you, or someone you love, is dealing with a pornography problem, then pray and ask God to reveal how He views porn. Also, pray and ask God that you, or the other person, will have a receptive heart. This is where the healing and walk to freedom begins. I suggest that you read and pray over 1 Timothy 4:1-8 and 1 Corinthians 6:12-20. These two passages give us very deep insight into the way God feels about sexual immorality.
The fight must begin on the spiritual level, and then, move into practical applications of God’s word. Freedom is possible, please do not lose hope. God is there, and He wants to deliver you and your loved ones from this terrible and destructive sin.
Posted at
June 4, 2008 12:24 PM
I am going through the same situation and only my husband is sexually active with me but he prefers to cover my face so he doesn't have to see me. I have so many self esteem problems it's not even funny. I guess I have the choice of having intimacy with my husband and let him cover my face or I have the option of your situation and have no intimate relationship at all. I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do but I am most concerned for my children concerning the fact that my children have been exposed while I'm at work, not because I have caught it but because I see certain things that my son does and it really makes you wonder. But as we all know life goes on and I know or hope that eventually my husband will get tired of doing this gross thing and stop. I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet. I want to leave him so bad but then I think of my children and it makes me think of the future. They love their father so much but I'm just wondering if it is in their own good to take them away from that kind of situation because what will happen when my daughter gets to adolescents and begins to develop? I can swear if he ever does anything to my daughter I can sincerely say that I will kill him.
Posted at
June 17, 2008 1:30 PM
You have my sympathy. I am going through something similiar with my husband. It's gotten to the point where I'm just ready to give up. I try to discourage his pornography use whenever I can but like you said if a man really wants to have it, he will find a way. Plus porn is so easily accessible these days. I can't leave him...I'm pregnant with our 2nd child. I still love him but we very seldom have sex and when we do it feels like he is not there on an emotional level. It's as though he's just doing it out of obligation. The whole situation is very sad. We (You, myself, other women in this situation) should not have to live this way!
Posted at
July 2, 2008 6:53 PM
I am the lady who wrote this story and I would like to thank everyone for their comments. Sorry for being so graphic- but as a subject Porn is graphic.
It is difficult! My husband loves and adores porn. It's easy, it doesn't answer him back, it doesn't ask him to mow the lawn. He is not judged on his performance and the only person he has to please is himself. To many men like our partners, porn is easy, feels good, simple to get and these days with memory sticks and internet enabled phones - very easy to hide. Why on earth would anyone give up something that feels good and in their minds is not doing anyone any harm.
However it is doing harm. It is harming the wives & girlfriends of these guys, harming our Trust, harming our relationships and if the love flies out the window- doesn't the family and children end up the victims?
I don't even sleep in the same bed as my husband any more. We don't kiss, cuddle or hold hands even. I have no respect for him at all. Fortunatly I have hit the menopause and with zero hormones I am blessed to have lost my sex drive- so there is no longer this great empty void in my life.
I prefer it when I am in the house alone and love it when he is out. All in all - you could say I have no relationship with him.
I guess the porn doesn't bother me now. You have to love someone to feel hurt and I feel nothing. I just really wish that the companies & people that make so much money out of this industry realised the effect this is having on our society.
Porn isn't about "making love" - porn is about "killing love" !
Posted at
July 9, 2008 10:52 AM
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I have been married a little over 2 years. I am "considered" beautiful, I get hit on a lot still....but I hate myself, my body, I am insecure, and I am insecure in my marriage. WHY? I wasn't this way when I first got married. My husband seemed perfect, I thought I knew everything about him. Only 9 months into our marriage he told me he'd been looking at porn, It so didn't seem like him....I laughed and said "are you serious" (honestly thinking he was joking). He was serious, he said it was only once, he wanted to tell me right away and it wouldn't happen again. I respected him for coming and telling me, but I was devastated too....I told myself and my mom...this would never happen to me. You see, my mom didn't want me to turn out like her. My dad was a sex-aholic, he cheated on her a lot, was into porn, everything. And my dad actually had a good heart and was a good dad...but as many other men, he got sucked into the spiral addiction of sexual things promoted in our society, it became a real addiction. I saw it ruin my parents' marriage, and ruin my dad's soul and sense of self worth. My dad really ruined his life by having sex with ANYONE, and one lady recently wrongly convicted him of rape when she couldn't deal with her own guilt of having sex outside of marriage (something she had never done). So my dad is prison due to sex addiction and bad choices, I found out also when I was 15 that my little brother had been looking at porn and had become very depressed. He saw himself falling in my dad's steps, and he wanted out...but he was also addicted. After looking at porn he'd feel so awful about himself, he became very very depressed and very very suicidal. Yet, he couldn't find strength to quit looking. After all I'd been through with my own family, It was hard to believe my husband had been looking at porn. He even said "it has nothing to do with our sex. Our sex is great. And you are great, you are beautiful, it has nothing to do with you. " But if you put yourself in a woman's shoes....how can she not take it personally. You try to get all beautifuled up every day for this man....we were having sex twice a week or more, something he suggested and I made priority because I loved him and wanted him satisfied sexually as well. Yet, he seeks out other bodies on the internet and lusts after them? Also, after he first told me, for months after that he claimed he hadn't looked again, and even accused me of being too paranoid so therefor, I might ruin the marriage. Yet, one day I snuck up his parents stairs as we were there late one night and he thought I was asleep...this was 6 months after he first told me, and I was scarred to see naked disgusting images on the screen. I have never shaken so hard. I fell to ground. MY stomach wouldn't stop churning. It was sick...it was so sick to me and so painful... those woman weren't me....it was so hurtful beyond description. And worst off, he'd been lying, of course, all those months when he said I was just "paranoid." Since then he's been working on his problem, but hasn't been honest with me completely, still! And though he distances himself from computers and we do not have internet, he will stop into bookstores when he should be working to look at magazines that have soft porn, like Maxim and Stuff. Many addicts lie about their problem so they can continue to feed the addiction. They become addicts and liars. Though we have worked on our relationship and things have improved a lot... there are still days I feel paranoid and worried of what else my husband may or may not lie about. I can't trust him or myself because my mind churns worrying about what he could be doing. This isn't what marriage is supposed to be. I don't believe my husband foresaw this happening either, this wasn't in either of our plans, yet many MANY marriages and relationships suffer this. Porn and addiction is sweeping over our society and the media lets it all in. Families and hearts are being torn to pieces. This is not a pity story for me - Goodness, my story is among THOUSANDS, if not MILLIONS. I've read many stories already. Its a scary, scary epidemic in our society, and it is truly ruining women - whether you are the naked woman in the picture, who has totally desensitized herself, or demeaned herself, or your the woman on the other side who's family and marriage is falling apart. Sad...sad......sad....I hope my marriage makes it. Thank God we haven't had kids yet. Labels: addiction, adultery, brothers, depression, devestation, distrust, divorce, emotional pain, everyone is affected, family, fathers, honesty, internet, lies, pornography, sexual addiction, spouse
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When I met my spouse in 1985, I found quite a collection of disgusting, hard core porn in his home. I dismissed it as him being lonely as he had been divorced for about two years. He also had men calling him for sex. He told me his former girlfriend had placed his phone number in the peep booths at the local porn shop. Being fairly naive, I bought the story. When we moved in together I never found any porn again outside of a random Playboy or Penthouse and really never thought about it after that. In 2003 I developed Herpes Simplex II. I asked him if he had been faithful and he said yes. Because a friend of mine who is a Physician's Assistant told me HSV can remain latent, I thought I had possibly developed it years ago and it suddenly appeared. DUH 21 years later. I have since been told by several physicians that this is basically impossible. Last year, I found hundreds of porn pictures on his work computer. When I confronted him about the pictures, I was mainly concerned that he could easily be fired if someone was checking the servers as he works for a city government. As a HR professional, I had fired people for this exact reason. I then cleaned up his computer temp files and cookies as he didn't know how to do that. As time went on, I kept finding more porn and dating sites in his temp files and cookies. I discovered one link to an adult swingers site. When I confronted him about a profile on the site I believed was his, he admitted to cheating on me one time with an acquaintance of mine. He was sure it was before I developed breast cancer in 2004. He did not want to discuss it any further. Two days later I found an email he sent unsubscribing to a dating site. He denied knowing anything about the email even though it came from his password protected account. That night, he pushed me about 25 feet into my kitchen where I landed on the granite top of my kitchen island and two chairs. I broke my finger, he left and I went to a friend's house. Long story short, I hired a forensic computer analyst to look at our home computer. He found an amazing amount of porn and dating site activity. I confronted my husband again on June 1 and he pushed me through the drywall and left the next day. Our divorce is almost final, he had to admit that he had a STD in the interrogatories. However, he also gave a date for his "one time" cheating that was false as I had recorded his "one night stand" telling me the actual date they met after a bicycle race. It was more than three years earlier. She has also insisted that she does not have Herpes. He had placed her phone numbers in his 1999 planner which was odd as we were never really friends and she live 500 miles from us. I think porn has been a problem for my STBX since he was quite young as I was told by a friend of his that porn was made available to him and his brothers at a very early age. He is also an active alcoholic which I believe he has used to self medicate to ease the pain and shame of his addiction to porn and sex. Internet porn opened up an entirely new opportunity for him to find anonymous sex partners and view sex on line. If anyone thinks that this is not a problem today, they are kidding themselves. If a person is already addicted to porn and masturbation, they now have the ability to watch live sex on-line, as well as find partners in their own zip codes with a quick search of numerous sex sites catering to addicts. His addiction has left me financially strapped, 23 years of my life with him have essentially been wiped clean, and I am no longer a trusting person. If you think your spouse is addicted to porn, it is time to begin monitoring internet activity. And whatever you do, do not infect files by trying to figure things out on your own. Find a person (usually at a university or law enforcement agency)that is trained in finding all the hidden activity. It helped me get an excellent financial settlement, something that is almost unheard of in the State of Michigan. Labels: addiction, debt, distrust, divorce, emotional pain, financial, honesty, internet, lies, pornography, unfaithful
Your story is also mine. Word for word. Mine is finally an ex, as of a month ago and I took him back to court with a modified motion on my settlement because I found thousands of dollars he "lied" about that he'd spent on internet porn, during our separation period and he was actually in contempt of court for using funds for other than "necessities of life". He's working on his "program" now more effectively, so he says, however, I have my doubts, but I'm out, now I need to start recovering. The distrust you feel for your judgement is awful and that's going to take some time to heal.
Thanks for your story, there are many more like us.
Posted at
February 14, 2008 12:07 PM
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My dad was a bright boy - the kind that struggles in school because they're not challenged. He eventually dropped out and entered the military. He was very proud of his military career, however, and worked very hard at it. A debilitating illness stole his eyesight at a young age, and he found himself unemployed and unemployable, and with a young family. He was devastated and fell into depression. He had decided as a young man that there was no God, and that religion was only a crutch for the weak-minded. So when these life-changing events occurred, he literally had nothing to help him through it. He turned to the only thing that brought him comfort: his pornography. About this time he started abusing and molesting my younger sister. I found out a couple of years later, but I was a teenager and didn't know what to do. I have since found out that since I wasn't the actual victim, there wasn't really anything I or anyone I told could do. The victims were questioned informally about it (possibly both my sisters were molested, I never was sure about the second one), and both denied it. So, in legal terms, "If there's no victim, then there's no crime." Except there was a crime. Even though I was never molested, I feel like I've suffered. I had emotional turmoil for years (counseling helped - I highly recommend it), had a lot of anger, and issues with self-image. And I almost feel like I don't have the right to feel the pain, because I wasn't the victim. It's been hard, having a story to tell, except that I don't have the right to tell it because it's not my story. I remember as a teen knowing that my mom probably didn't know, and not knowing how to tell her. I ended up just withdrawing and staying in my room all the time. One thing that helped me get through those very lonely years was God. It really helped when I'd pray, I could feel His love. That has helped me through my whole life. And our story is different from other stories I've read because there was no violence or threats. My sister was seduced, and to this day is not only not angry with my dad (who has since died), but even feels that his excommunication from the church was somehow her fault. My father abused my sister for over 10 years, into her first marriage. She has seen her life destroyed. Her marriage broke up and she lost guardianship of her two children, who are now grown. She copes by being a very shallow person. She accepts people on the surface, makes excuses for everyone, and just deals with life one day at a time. Pornography is not allowed in my home. And the hardest thing in the world has been to deal with my own teenage boys, who investigate the porn that is freely offered and easily available to today's youth, who have so much more time to spend looking for it than their caring parents have to protect them from it. I haven't told my kids about my family. It's just too much ugliness, and we're all just trying to move on and leave it in the past. But I question my choice when I tell my teenage son pornography is bad, and he spits back at me, "That's your opinion." Oh no it's not. It's fact. And my whole family has the scars to prove it. Labels: addiction, brothers, children, depression, divorce, everyone is affected, family, internet, pornography, sexual abuse, spouse
Tell your kids. The mistake that all of us make is not communicating things and letting it all out when it's already too late. Tell them before hand so they know the ramifications of the things they view and do. They will have an appropriate perspective before having to address these things and take tabs from everyone else but you.
Posted at
January 18, 2008 11:35 AM
Where does everyone think that rape, sexual abuse of children, and adultry stem from!? FROM PORNOGRAPHY!!!! Wake up idiots! Those evils would decrease by probably 99.9% If there was no pornography! People grow to accustom to it's effects, and then it's just not enough for them anymore.
Posted at
January 18, 2008 3:18 PM
i can understand not wanting to share such atrocities with your children. it is understandable that you would want to protect them from anything you could. unfortunately, your family's history with using pornography will affect them just the same, whether or not they know the reason, and knowing the reason may help them to eschew the culprit, pornography, before it is too late and another generation is destroyed. my grandfather was a secret addict, as was my father and now, no surprise, the addiction has its talons deep in my younger brother. telling your children their history gives them the dignity of all important information so they do not proceed unawares and fall into trecherous territory.
Posted at
January 18, 2008 3:47 PM
Tell your kids. I feel like the kids today can handle it and maybe they can learn from other's mistakes. It will give them something to think about if they feel the chains of porn/lust start to take away their self worth. They are exposed to so much on the internet, tv, movies and talk at school. Porn and abuse feeds off secrets and lies. We need insightful young men today so give your boys a chance to stand up for good. Just an idea and I feel it is always good to check with people that know you and your family.
Posted at
July 1, 2008 7:11 AM
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Four years ago my daughters husband walked out on his wife and two children. He was having an affair with her "friend". Both were "good" church goers etc. , and ironically still are ! His two children hate him, they are 10 & 8 and harbor deep resentment that he replaced them with a new family. How did this all come about - porn! After the divorce I took the computer to a friend to get it fixed so the kids could use it for school work. My friend called me and asked whose computer it was,I explained it was my son-in-laws etc. and asked him why. He told me it so full of the most offensive images that he simple put a new hard drive in and destroyed the old one! It was then I realized what had driven this marriage into the ground,destroying so many lives. Yet this man and the new wife continue on looking saintly to all others. I cannot believe he is not still addicted as I see how he acts when he doesn't have an audience. Porn propagates deception, lies,misery and so so much pain. As I hold my grandchildren and try to console their broken little hearts I commit to do all I can to help stop the spread of this desolating addiction and bring all who put it out there to justice. Labels: children, devestation, divorce, emotional pain, family
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After our first year in marriage, I discovered my husband had an addiction to pornography. I was so heartbroken and felt so betrayed. At first he denied everything and then acted like it wasn't a big deal. I pleaded with him to stop and explained how hurtful it was to me and our marriage. Years passed and the addiction continued, as he became better at hiding his habit. I began to pretend the problem wasn't there, anything to stop the pain I felt in my heart over and over. I thought it was my fault, that he wasn't attracted to me or I wasn't good enough to be his wife since he always needed something/someone else. After 10 years of marriage, I was lost inside and he was happy go lucky with no care or clue why our relationship was not very intimate. Eventually, I fell in love with someone else and left this painful marriage. I still feel the pain in my heart today, that we could not come together and battle this addiction. Now as a single parent of one son, I want to protect him from learning this from his father . Funny thing is he still doesn't understand how this addiction affected our marriage and that we divorced for a reason of which was my fault, falling for someone else. I am relieved to know that my pain and hurt is real and other people are aware of this problem. For many years I thought I had some hormonal problem for not wanting to be with my husband intimately. My only problem was not dealing with it properly at the time Labels: addiction, distrust, divorce, emotional pain, lies
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Finally! Someone else who shares my burden to stop the perverted sickness called "pornography". Where do I even start? My father grew up in a home with a lecherous, abusive father, & both of his siblings turned out to be homosexual. He had & probably still has a serious addiction to porn. He went on to sexually abuse me from about age 3 to about 11, threatening to kill my mom if I ever told her. I didn't remember the abuse until I was 18, two years after he left. He may have abused my brother, 3 years my junior, but he did sodomize my brother that is 11 years younger than me because he remembered it. This 2nd brother, in turn, around age 10 or 11, went on to molest his three younger siblings. He was caught & admitted to it all when he was 14 & spent the next 18 months locked up in a facility for boys like that. He has had a porn addiction, as well as having premarital sex with two girls. He is trying hard, with God's help to overcome & change, but this will take a will of iron & many years of healing. The other brother I mentioned has been addicted to porn since his teen years, when he found the old man's stash. I have been able to find healing & hope through my relationship with Jesus Christ, & I praise Him for that. However, our father vehemently denies that he ever touched us, & we have no contact with him. Every member in my family has been viciously & deeply hurt by this, from my mom down to my youngest sibling. All of them are recovering & doing well, but you never get totally over it. My husband of 8 years had a porn addiction prior to our marriage, thanks to his mom bringing it into the home when he was 9. God has been good, as he only had one relapse after we married & my husband is honest about his struggles with temptation, & there are certain safeguards we maintain to help him overcome the temptations that would lead him back down that road. He & I have determined that the evil that has been passing down the generations STOPS with us. We so carefully guard what our young son & daughter see. I go through all mail (catalogs, mailers, magazines, etc) before either my husband or kids can get a hold of them so that they will not accidentally stumble upon it. We must take a stand! We must contact even local stores like Victoria's Secret that display pornography in public places, forcing our husbands & children to see this crap! Thanks for this site. Always remember, with Jesus, our wounds & hearts can be healed. Labels: addiction, brothers, divorce, fathers, sexual abuse
Your attitude is great! It STOPS WITH US! That is how I feel too. I experienced similar things, abused by my father, who now denies touching me (and my sister), my brother learning to molest my sister, and he denies any wrongdoing as well. It has to STOP! That is my vow, that I will not allow the pornography and abuse to continue with my kids!
Posted at
May 21, 2008 11:40 AM
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