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I met my now husband when I was only 14. I was a virgin and he is the only man I have ever known. I have been faithful for 25 years. I learned about sex from him and always trusted him. For years he has accused me of cheating and doing horrible things. 22 years into our marriage I saw a Maury show where they took lie detector test to prove they had been faithful. I arranged to take the test from an ex-FBI examiner to put an end to his paranoid accusations. I took the test and went through disgusting questions that were a violation of my private life. Of course I passed the test with flying colors. I did this for his happiness to prove my loyalty. I was wrong. ( read the entire entry... click here) I met my now husband when I was only 14. I was a virgin and he is the only man I have ever known. I have been faithful for 25 years. I learned about sex from him and always trusted him.
For years he has accused me of cheating and doing horrible things. 22 years into our marriage I saw a Maury show where they took lie detector test to prove they had been faithful. I arranged to take the test from an ex-FBI examiner to put an end to his paranoid accusations. I took the test and went through disgusting questions that were a violation of my private life. Of course I passed the test with flying colors. I did this for his happiness to prove my loyalty.
After innocently looking through our storage building, I found loads of pornography with titles like "tasty little teens". I was devastated and then it all made sense to me how I was subjected to the accusations he was making. It was because of HIS own dirty mind that he could come up with these horrible things I was doing.
I didn't know what to do at first and I didn't confront him. I just watched his behavior and found him spending countless hours in the tool shed and last minute"I don't feel like going" to my daughters school functions. He would make big plans with us and then back out at the very last minute to stay home.
Finally, I lost it and confronted him. Of course, he promised to quit and threw it all away. I've caught him accidentally a hundred times since then and now he gets angry and says hes a grown man he should be able to look. I don't stop him but he still hides it and lies.
The thing is he's changed the way I see him. I used to think he was my light and the most wonderful man even though he accused me a lot. I thought that was just low self worth. I wish I could see him the way I used to but I cant and that's the real shame. Now I think 'dirty old man" or pervert.
I cant make love to him without thinking about my disgust for him. It is almost like rape because I don't want him to touch me and now I find myself longing for another man. This is what he has done. I hope other men read this and heed their wives warning the first time. Its too late for us. Just keep in mind she can love you for pure quality and you can ruin that and there is no getting back innocence you thought you shared. Labels: addiction, depression, devestation, distrust, emotional pain, fathers, pornography
I am sorry for how your many years in this relationship have turned out. You deserved better. You need to do what is best for you now. If he is unwilling to change what can you do? While I am sure his self esteem is low, I would imagine yours is too. ( And both of these problems are his fault). Look at the humilitions you have endured for him already. He has had the nerve to accuse you?
What would you want your daughter to do in a similar situation? Every woman deserves to be the only woman involved in her & her husband's love life. If he is unwilling to look to you and only you for his sexual pleasure, he is being unfaithful to you.
I am not saying your marriage cannot be saved, but he needs to be willing to change and if he wont you have the right to be treated with honesty and respect. Good luck. I pray that your future will be happier than your past.
Posted at
July 9, 2008 11:27 AM
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I met my husband in college and after we had known each other for about three years, we decided to get married. I thought I was marrying someone just like me, a goodie-goodie. Our marriage wasn't as wonderful as I had expected, but it wasn't terrible either. I soon realized that this family I married into was very different from my family... Click here to read the entire story...I met my husband in college and after we had known each other for about three years, we decided to get married. I thought I was marrying someone just like me, a goodie-goodie. Our marriage wasn't as wonderful as I had expected, but it wasn't terrible either. I soon realized that this family I married into was very different from my family.
My first impressions of his parents were that they seemed nice, but very quiet. I then noticed his parents took on what we would call traditional roles, where his father ran the farm and his mother took care of the house and the children. At first I didn't see anything wrong with it, until I noticed that she was expected to help with the farm when things got busy, but he NEVER lifted a finger to help her with the house or kids. I also noticed his mother waited on his father hand and foot, and obeyed every command he gave.
But I felt we were different and that my husband wasn't a tyrant like his father and I wasn't a slave like his mother. But at the time, I didn't realize how much damage had already been done. That a family system like his was breeding grounds for addictions. And that these addictions were well into place before he ever met me.
After we had been married for about 12 years is when I first noticed some major changes in him. We had just put our house on the market when he started to not feel well. He refused to see a doctor, so the responsibilities of having the house and the yard ready to show, fell on my shoulders. At the same time, we had been trying to get pregnant with our fourth child for over a year. The stress was getting to me, but by the end of the summer our house sold, he got better, and I got pregnant!
I thought things would only get better. They only got worse. Shortly after our move things got really busy with his work. He started working longer hours and would even stay all night on many occasions. And the few evenings he did come home, he would stay in the basement claiming he had work to do. I would beg him to hire someone else at work, but he would only chew me out. He then started to get sick again and would still refuse to see the doctor, and once again he would tell me to leave him alone. At this time I was 8 months pregnant, and we had hardly seen him in the last 5 months. I felt like a single parent.
After the baby was born, his behavior got even stranger. By then, I was fed up with him never being home, so I called the manager and asked why nothing had been done to improve this. He said he didn't know why he ALWAYS worked late. He could understand some nights, but every night? They did hire someone else, but he claimed the work load only got bigger, so the late nights continued. He also continued to be sick with weird symptoms and still refused to see a doctor. All he said was he never got enough time to himself, and that so much was expected of him. A whole week would easily go by without him seeing me or the kids. Even on Sundays we wouldn't see him, because his church calling would have him attend a different building for church, and then he would leave from there to go to work. I didn't know what to do.
Another six months went by, and I continued to function as a single parent. The very few hours he was at home he was either asleep or in the basement and did not want to be disturbed. Every time I tried to approach him about him abandoning us or his continuing illness, I would get the same lecture that he was too stressed and tired and to leave him alone. He showed no concern for me or the kids and continued to only get sicker. I finally decided he wasn't a part of our life and that I was indeed a single parent. That was how I survived.
On New Year's day 2007, he got ill enough that he finally decided he had to see a doctor. They immediately admitted him to the hospital and diagnosed him with PCP, a form of pneumonia. I thought finally! Now they can give him meds, get him better and things will now improve. Well of course, things only got worse. He then told me PCP is only found in people with HIV.
How could this be? I then asked how did you get HIV? All he said was I don't know and you have to be tested too. In extreme shock, I went to be tested which thankfully turned out to be negative. The doctors promised me my kids would be negative too, but that didn't make the pain and shock any less. What happened to my innocent life?
I couldn't believe he would sit there and tell the doctors he had no idea how he got HIV. These were the people who were trying to save his life! Who is this person I am married to? I think he truly thought he was fooling us, but anyone with half a brain knows how you get it and how you don't! Once the actual blood counts came back, he was then diagnosed with AIDS. (cd4 count of 20.)
I then decided I would be a kind supportive wife through this tragedy in hopes that he would confess to me. He was in out of the hospital over the next month, with me running back and forth with four kids. It then took him another two months to get any energy back and to get used to the "cocktail". I was the one who took care of him at home, thinking I was doing what was right. I thought for sure once he was feeling better he would apologize for the way he had treated us, thank me for all I had done, and humbly confess. I got none of that.
Once he got his strength back and started going back to work, the long hours came back too. Furious, I tried several times to talk to him about it, but he would just avoid me or leave the conversation. Finally, after months of living this nightmare again, I decided I had to take things into my own hands. I had refused to do this before, because I had promised myself that I would never become a snoop. I had wanted to be a trusting person, but since he would not confess and with things only getting worse, I decided I had to do it. I was scared of what I would find and even more scared of what if he found out.
I had noticed over the past year that he had started carrying a backpack around with him. He claimed he needed it for his gym clothes so he could go exercise while he was at work. He always took it with him, no matter where he was going. When he was at home, he would store it downstairs under his desk. One night while he was working in the garage, I decided to check there first. That was the first and last place I needed to check.
The backpack was stuffed full of gym clothes as he claimed, but I did eventually find a necessity kit that looked suspicious. In it I found everything I was looking for and a whole lot more. As a matter of fact, I didn't even know what half of the stuff was. The things I found were condoms, sex stuff, Viagra, money, crystal meth, drug paraphernalia, and pornography on DVDs. (I had to check the internet and with the police to verify everything.) I now understood his behavior.
With the help of my bishop, we then sat down to confront him. It took him a long time to even admit what he had done. He finally said that this double life started shortly after our first baby was born. He claims I gave too much attention to the baby. He said it all started out with a curiosity in pornography, which eventually turned into acting out sexually with men. He actually justified his actions, because he claims he only did this a couple of times a year. (That makes it all better you know!) After about ten years of this, he finally gave into the drugs that were always offered to him. This only made his double life escalate. He went from acting out a couple of times a year to a couple of times a day in the last two years. Since he is one of the owners of the business, he was able to work his odd hours and give himself bonuses (for drugs) without anyone saying a word. He had a great set-up for a lifestyle like his. Too bad his wife had to go and blow it for him.
I told him then that I would not kick him out now, because I knew without serious help and support, he would dive into that lifestyle until he was dead. It still took months to get confessions out of him, and even then he would only answer what I asked and would never volunteer information. I still had to pick and choose what to believe, because his confessions were still so full of lies. Even now months later, I still stumble across things he never told me about. He was eventually excommunicated from the church, which was a surprise to him and his parents. (Which just proves where he gets his faulty beliefs from.)
So, where are we now? We are both in a program called Lifestar, that helps sex addicts and their spouses. He is also seeing a drug therapist, with a weekly urine analysis. I am also seeing a therapist and I do speak frequently with our Bishop. My therapist wants him to be seen by a Psychiatrist, that specializes in homosexual sex addiction and have a full battery of test performed. Many of us feel he suffers from severe personality disorders, and without a proper diagnosis, he will never recover. He has also been told to have regular visits with our Bishop and other church leaders. Well, he feels that the two programs he is involved with is enough. He has claimed that he has completely stopped acting out and that he has recovered. So why does he need more treatment? He doesn't like people telling him what to do, especially if it is his wife and her therapist. He said that he can handle all of this on his own and that what he has done isn't that bad. His father even agrees with him that he does not need to see the Bishop or continue with treatment. (As a matter of fact, his father blames me for all of this. But I'll save that for another day.) He continues to attend church with us and puts the front on that everything is okay.
So where am I with this? I knew back with his diagnosis that he had killed the marriage. I kept things together so he could get into proper treatment and maybe start the repentance process. I now see that I was only dreaming. Everyday I try my best to be pleasant and to continue being a good wife and mother. I felt due to the horrific things he had done, our intimate life was over, but I could still allow him to kiss me goodbye. I thought I was being Christ-like by trying to help, but he recently told me I have been extremely cold and unChrist-like to him. I also told him that I could be of more support to him as a friend, than as a spouse. That only made him angry that I was not willing to work on our marriage. I do realize that I was expecting a healthy response from an unhealthy person. A few months back I did talk to a lawyer and I am also trying to figure out what I can do with an old health degree. (I will probably go into Nursing.)
I do know every ones repentance process will be different and that it is not my place to judge. But I do know that I have to make a righteous judgment for the safety of my children and myself. I do not feel that he has even scratched the surface of repentance. I have yet to see any remorse or regret for what he has done. All I see is frustration and anger towards me, because I'm not doing what he thinks I should be doing. He wants me to quickly forgive and forget and act like this never happened. Not once has he asked me what he could do for me.
Labels: addiction, adultery, AIDS, children, devestation, distrust, fathers, lies, pornography, spouse
Wow, I thought my stuff was hard. And it is. It's all so horrible and not at all what we signed on for when we got married. You are amazingly strong. I am so glad that you are getting help and support. I'm glad your bishop is there for you. That has not been my experience at all. It is too awkward and embarrassing for my bishop to handle. Please look out for yourself and your children first. Take care of yourself. I'm not so good at that, but I know it is the right thing. Even through all the ugliness and overwhelming bad stuff I still know that Heavenly Father loves us.
Posted at
June 19, 2008 10:53 AM
The Lord never gives us trials that we cannot handle. He knows you are a very strong and courageous woman. And you have handled this. I know what it is like to be lied to and manipulated by the man you love. Your love goes so deep, and that only makes it hurt more. I pray that I can be a strong as you. Thank you for sharing your story.
Posted at
June 19, 2008 11:27 AM
May I also thank you for sharing your story. I think many of us can find some truth in your story that fits ours. It is so difficult when our faith is strong and we expect our partner to be honest and faithful. It hurts so much. I have read lots and lots of books and they really help me sort through my fears, feelings and what is real & true. Heavenly Father knows we can only be responsible for how we treat others NOT how they treat us. You are wise to know your husband is unhealthy so his responses are unhealthy. He has believed lies and it sounds like he continues to believe lies and want you to join him. YOU KNOW WHAT IS TRUE. Honesty and fideility. I would suggest your husband POSSIBLY was sexual abused as a child or exposed to sexual activity prior to an age he could understand the behavior? Has he opened up enough to share his early childhood sexual experiences. Just a thought from experience. Hold your head up high and know that you deserve to be appreciated for your kindness and if your husband is so lost he continues to see himself as the victim you MAY want give him an opportunity to handle HIS mess by himself. It is right to help others who help themselves BUT I have found it is easy also to enable those who continue to be stuck and that is not good for either of you.
Posted at
June 19, 2008 12:44 PM
I can not imagine how you have coped with all the things you describe! I have also endured a lot because of my husband's addiction, but it pales in comparison to your story. You are so strong! I hope that your husband will alter his thoughts, beliefs and desires in a way that will bring REAL change. Thank you for being brave enough to share your experience. I pray for your family!
Posted at
June 19, 2008 12:54 PM
God never intended for his daughters to be treated this way. Here is a quote from a LDS church leader, Gordon B. Hinkley, in a book called, 'My Dear Sisters':
"My heart reaches out to you. I appreciate you. I honor you. I respect you. What a tremendous force for good you are. You are the strength of the present, the hope of the future. You are the sum of all the generations that have gone before, the promise of all that will come hereafter."
I am sure that God feels the same about his daugthers. Be strong - support what is right and correct. Pray, and you will have the strength to carry out what is virtuous. (It is your responsibility to care for your physcial safety as well as your children.)
Posted at
June 26, 2008 7:04 PM
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I have been married a little over 2 years. I am "considered" beautiful, I get hit on a lot still....but I hate myself, my body, I am insecure, and I am insecure in my marriage. WHY? I wasn't this way when I first got married. My husband seemed perfect, I thought I knew everything about him. Only 9 months into our marriage he told me he'd been looking at porn, It so didn't seem like him....I laughed and said "are you serious" (honestly thinking he was joking). He was serious, he said it was only once, he wanted to tell me right away and it wouldn't happen again. I respected him for coming and telling me, but I was devastated too....I told myself and my mom...this would never happen to me. You see, my mom didn't want me to turn out like her. My dad was a sex-aholic, he cheated on her a lot, was into porn, everything. And my dad actually had a good heart and was a good dad...but as many other men, he got sucked into the spiral addiction of sexual things promoted in our society, it became a real addiction. I saw it ruin my parents' marriage, and ruin my dad's soul and sense of self worth. My dad really ruined his life by having sex with ANYONE, and one lady recently wrongly convicted him of rape when she couldn't deal with her own guilt of having sex outside of marriage (something she had never done). So my dad is prison due to sex addiction and bad choices, I found out also when I was 15 that my little brother had been looking at porn and had become very depressed. He saw himself falling in my dad's steps, and he wanted out...but he was also addicted. After looking at porn he'd feel so awful about himself, he became very very depressed and very very suicidal. Yet, he couldn't find strength to quit looking. After all I'd been through with my own family, It was hard to believe my husband had been looking at porn. He even said "it has nothing to do with our sex. Our sex is great. And you are great, you are beautiful, it has nothing to do with you. " But if you put yourself in a woman's shoes....how can she not take it personally. You try to get all beautifuled up every day for this man....we were having sex twice a week or more, something he suggested and I made priority because I loved him and wanted him satisfied sexually as well. Yet, he seeks out other bodies on the internet and lusts after them? Also, after he first told me, for months after that he claimed he hadn't looked again, and even accused me of being too paranoid so therefor, I might ruin the marriage. Yet, one day I snuck up his parents stairs as we were there late one night and he thought I was asleep...this was 6 months after he first told me, and I was scarred to see naked disgusting images on the screen. I have never shaken so hard. I fell to ground. MY stomach wouldn't stop churning. It was sick...it was so sick to me and so painful... those woman weren't me....it was so hurtful beyond description. And worst off, he'd been lying, of course, all those months when he said I was just "paranoid." Since then he's been working on his problem, but hasn't been honest with me completely, still! And though he distances himself from computers and we do not have internet, he will stop into bookstores when he should be working to look at magazines that have soft porn, like Maxim and Stuff. Many addicts lie about their problem so they can continue to feed the addiction. They become addicts and liars. Though we have worked on our relationship and things have improved a lot... there are still days I feel paranoid and worried of what else my husband may or may not lie about. I can't trust him or myself because my mind churns worrying about what he could be doing. This isn't what marriage is supposed to be. I don't believe my husband foresaw this happening either, this wasn't in either of our plans, yet many MANY marriages and relationships suffer this. Porn and addiction is sweeping over our society and the media lets it all in. Families and hearts are being torn to pieces. This is not a pity story for me - Goodness, my story is among THOUSANDS, if not MILLIONS. I've read many stories already. Its a scary, scary epidemic in our society, and it is truly ruining women - whether you are the naked woman in the picture, who has totally desensitized herself, or demeaned herself, or your the woman on the other side who's family and marriage is falling apart. Sad...sad......sad....I hope my marriage makes it. Thank God we haven't had kids yet. Labels: addiction, adultery, brothers, depression, devestation, distrust, divorce, emotional pain, everyone is affected, family, fathers, honesty, internet, lies, pornography, sexual addiction, spouse
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My story is long and sad. I've been married to my husband for 20 years. He's an alcoholic and a sex addict. He quit drinking 10 years ago and we both thought our lives would change. Of course, with no alcohol, things are much better. With the sexual addiction though, something more insidious has ruined our marriage. I used to "catch him" hiding porn, taping stuff off t.v., gaping at other women out in public. In fact, I used to try to catch him. I gave up on that several years ago as it became apparent I didn't have to try, that given enough time I would always accidentally catch him. After years of suffering,my womanhood destroyed, I began to realize he is very sick. So sick that I can't even imagine. He has spells where he does well but I can always feel when he is slipping back in. He's in one of those dark times right now. The long term affects of this has been a destruction of our sweet love we once shared. I'm beginning to not care about him and I hate that. I'm beginning to not care what he does at all. There was a time when I thought we would give our lives for each other, but he had his own needs to look after, that were more important than our relationship. For the first time in 20 years I find that I don't want him to touch me anymore. It feels dirty. I feel like I'm being used or he's having sex with me just to keep me around as I feel he prefers masturbation. About two weeks ago I was thinking about joining a gym so I could swim. I told him that I wondered if I got a part-time job there, if I could get a membership free. I had been thinking of getting a part-time job anyway and that way I could get the gym with it. He thought that was hilarious. He laughed and laughed. When I asked him what was so funny, he said they only hire "fit" women in those places and if I applied there they would just laugh at me. For the first time I realized he has compared me to his fantasy women and I indeed have come up short. He has rejected me but doesn't have the courage or manhood to tell me that he has chosen paper/ink and t.v. whores over the woman who gave her life for him. The pain I feel is indescribable, as all the pain I've endured for the last 20 years has coalesced into a fine, piercing point & now I know I have lost the battle for the love of my life. My poor sick husband thinks he's better than me. He mind has become so twisted in his indulgences, that he no longer sees me as his beautiful, loving bride; but now I have become some gross laughing stock that can't even get a job as a janitor in a gym. I wish I could say my love was strong enough, to go through another bout of suffering through his addictions, but I'm not. I'm done. I'm going to have to pick up the pieces of my life and move on. Labels: addiction, depression, devestation, distrust, emotional pain, fathers, internet, pornography, sexual addiction, spouse, television
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I also after 21 years am giving up on my marriage. I suggest you go see a couselor. The first things are husband's do is blame us for the fact that they have this addiction. Afer all if we kept them happy they wouldn't stray. Don't buy into this. God created you and He wants us to be treated with honor and respect,. Just remember people treat us the way we allow them to. I know how much it hurts. I feel like I just can't go on. Take each minute at a time if you have to. Just remember God loves you and He will take care of you. Let go of your husband. Pray for him. Only God can help him with this sickness. There is nothing you can do but realize you need to work on loving yourself.
Posted at
March 13, 2008 11:41 AM
Your story has touched me deeply. It brought tears to my eyes. I have been experiencing similar issues, just a bit different. You are a strong woman. I wish you all the best in everything that you decide to do.
Posted at
March 20, 2008 10:34 PM
Oh my gawd!!!! Fly free little bird, you where meant for far greater things, no longer myre yourself in someones addictive behaviour and once you set yourself free then take the time to take a serious look at how addicted you are to your victim role. You can live a wonderfully fullfilling life, you too can learn to love yourself from the inside out, you are a divine being so start treating yourself that way by #1 getting the heck out of that toxic relationship with your husband then get on board with some inner cleansing. much luck to you and make sure you get some help....try your local womens shelter or womens center....they have heard it all and have lots of resources to help you. all the best.
Posted at
April 23, 2008 9:02 PM
Let me begin by saying that I feel desperately for you, though I cannot begin to understand the pain you have endured. I hope and pray that you might find healing and wholeness somehow in the future. You are a victim of a horrible plague that is eating away at the roots of our society. But know this: the love your husband felt for you as he pledged his heart to you in marriage was real, and I daresay that love is still alive in his heart today. It may be buried and locked away, frozen hard, but it is still there i believe, just awaiting the day when the cancer that surrounds it is destroyed. What you have been subjected to no woman deserves - but however hard it is, you have to understand that the one to blame for your pain is not your husband, it is the sin that has him bound in chains. Know that your husband feels pain too, and crushing shame, though he will not easily admit it. And know too, that there is hope for him to be rescued from his slimy pit. I was.
God bless you my dear.
Posted at
April 28, 2008 4:09 AM
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My story is a little different from those listed. As a young woman in my 20's, I was depressed and very confused. I posed for several pictures from different photographers over several years. It was a sad time, and I can honestly say looking back that every man and woman I came across in that business was an unhappy lost soul who masked what they were doing as being glamorous, creative, financially lucrative, or some other excuse. I have never been so low in my life. I am free of that now and have drastically changed my values and my life, but even though that was 20 years ago, I seem to still be searching for the pieces of my spirit that were so tragically torn away from me during those years. It hurts, but there is recovery. Labels: devestation, emotional pain, pornography
Thank you all for sharing your stories. I've been feeling so alone in a sex-less porn addicted marriage. It hurts so bad to want to have intamcy with your husband and to know that I can't compete with the images that he sees in the pron that he watches. It breaks my heart. Again, I thank you all for sharing your stories.
Posted at
May 24, 2008 3:41 AM
Thank you so much. For being so honest, and also for being someone who saw through the filth and changed her life. I also can see how easy it is to fall into that bad place....life can get twisted. I am saying that because when I found out my husband was looking at pornography...here I am 20, 120 lbs, blonde, hit on alot, I mean...I recognize people saw me as very beautiful, I had always been a little insecure, and my husbands porn addiction made me even more insecure, and yet...I found myself so betrayed by what he was doing, I thought, I give up, I saved my virginity to you, I've been 100% true to you this whole marriage, I felt like saying forget it and taking up a job at a strip bar, or literally posing naked for porn myself...just cuz I was kinda losing my mind at that time, like,"I CAN BE JUST AS SEXY! I CAN BE WHAT YOU WANT. I CAN THROW AWAY WHAT SHOULD BE SPECIAL TO US, THE SAME WAY YOU DO. I CAN BE THOSE SAME GIRLS YOU TAKE YOUR TIME TO LOOK AT AND LUST FOR!" I was never very seriously considering it, but it crossed my mind that way. I knew it would be something I couldn't live with doing, nor did I want to lose my dignity or decency that way. But theres many traps to fall into as a woman as well to want to be sexy and do things we never thought we would. AGain, good for you to change your life, I am certain that must of taken strength and you should be proud of yourself.
Posted at
June 3, 2008 5:13 PM
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After fourty-two years, five children and thirteen grandchildren, I found myself in a loveless marriage. I went to the Lord in earnest prayer. From there I was lead to the computer where I found pornography. My world as I had known it died. I experienced the same emotions that I had when my fourteen month old son was run over and killed in our driveway. Shock, fear, anger, blame, depression and hopelessness. We separated and I thought my marriage had ended. My husband started counseling and invited me to come. I did go but the anger only got worse. I learn there that a person looses the ability to have natural feelings for another when suffering this addiction, and yes it is an addiction. I wondered if I would support my husband if this was about drugs. About a two months later my husband introduce to the "12 Steps" program our church is holding. They recieved permission from AA to use their steps with some changes to include the atonement of Jesus Christ. It is a meeting where I felt safe being able to relate my personal feelings without judgment. Unlike the counseling it was free. Soon we became facilitators and now are helping others through our example of success. The past six months we have been speaking in church meetings, telling our story in hopes of reaching others. Our marriage is better than I ever thought it would be. My love has grown as well as my trust. I have found there are two programs, an "I love you" program and "I trust you" program. The first is up to me but the second is up to him. Ponography is a disease and with the help of our Savior we do not need to travel this painful road alone. Labels: addiction, children, depression, devestation, emotional pain, family, fathers, Overcoming Addiction, Strengthening Our Marriage, Success
I am 21 years old,actualy i must congratulate you for amending this website becase it will some how help to eliminate this problem of ponographic addition.People dont see that ponography is causing alot of danger in our society,i hope this world could have many people like you who care alot about others.
Thank you!
Posted at
February 15, 2008 6:46 AM
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Four years ago my daughters husband walked out on his wife and two children. He was having an affair with her "friend". Both were "good" church goers etc. , and ironically still are ! His two children hate him, they are 10 & 8 and harbor deep resentment that he replaced them with a new family. How did this all come about - porn! After the divorce I took the computer to a friend to get it fixed so the kids could use it for school work. My friend called me and asked whose computer it was,I explained it was my son-in-laws etc. and asked him why. He told me it so full of the most offensive images that he simple put a new hard drive in and destroyed the old one! It was then I realized what had driven this marriage into the ground,destroying so many lives. Yet this man and the new wife continue on looking saintly to all others. I cannot believe he is not still addicted as I see how he acts when he doesn't have an audience. Porn propagates deception, lies,misery and so so much pain. As I hold my grandchildren and try to console their broken little hearts I commit to do all I can to help stop the spread of this desolating addiction and bring all who put it out there to justice. Labels: children, devestation, divorce, emotional pain, family
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Pornography destroyed my life. Strong, loving, righteous families are the solution. Television is a huge problem. Your kids may not look at pornographic magazines or the extremely explicit internet, but they watch TV, a lot of it. It was TV for me, TV and video games. Sexy scenes on TV shows, constant innuendo from sitcoms, and the power fantasies from video games. Sexy commercials. That's where it started, in my mind, and grew unchecked to destroy my life. Please take this seriously: Television is the prime source of pornography for your children. Movies as well. How many kids know about "Austin Powers" as an example? Labels: addiction, devestation, everyone is affected, television, video games
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My "father" was addicted to pornography. I no longer claim him as my father because of the horrible things my sister and I endured from him. My mom caught him with porn magazines when I was a baby. I think she was in denial about the extent of his problem. No one can tell me that pornography doesn't lead to criminal behavior, because it does, my sister and I were sexually abused by our "father." It was all a big secret, something we weren't supposed to talk about, so he never has been punished for any of it. When I was 19, my mom discovered that he was viewing pornographic websites on the computer. She finally had the courage to kick him out and divorce him after that. I was married shortly thereafter, and have not had contact with him at all since they got divorced. My brother still talks to him, and it sounds like our "father" is still into it. I have my own sweet daughters and a baby boy to protect, and I will not allow them to be around that monster. Luckily with counseling, anti-depressants, and a wonderful, supportive husband, I am mostly over what happened to me at his hands. My sister is not so lucky. She is suffering from eating disorders and she cuts herself, and her counselor is trying to get her admitted to an in-patient treatment program for her problems. Pornography destroys individuals and families, no matter what anyone says, I know it's true. Labels: addiction, children, depression, devestation, eating disorders, family, sexual abuse
I want to update my story just a bit. My sister, thankfully, was admitted to an in-patient eating disorder program shortly after Thanksgiving. She is progressing well, and will be coming home soon, though her recovery will be a lifelong thing. She has been having extensive counseling, and has divulged many more instances of horrendous sexual abuse that our "father" did to her than she ever told anyone about. She suffered a lot more than I ever did at his hands. Those emotional scars will be with her for life, and will be part of her ongoing battle against her eating disorders.
I know his sexual deviance began with his viewing of pornography. It feeds unhealthy sexual appetites, and soon the addict will stop at nothing to feed the appetite, even if it means hurting those whom he should be loving and protecting.
Posted at
February 29, 2008 8:30 PM
I "plead" with you to find the courage and the strength to tell your children! I am a survivor of sexual abuse. I kept this secret and many others (about him) for almost 30 years. I only know now that the secrecy is the lifeblood of addiction, abuse, etc. It was not easy to tell them but as events take place in our lives I am increasingly thankful that I found the courage to speak out! You can too--you will know when the time is right. My experiences have taught me that Christ is the ultimate healer and He is with us every step of the way.
Posted at
March 2, 2008 8:17 PM
Your Mom "rocks"! My Mom was not so lucky--after 55 years of marriage the tragic scars of abuse took her life. "If only" are words that haunt me still. My sister and I struggle each day with the effects that sexual abuse have had on our lives. My "father" still denies his part, my brothers say what's the big deal? Finally, after 6 years I realize that they do not want to understand (they don't have to, it didn't happen to them). For my sister and I it's different. We help each other as best we can and have learned to work through the pain that eventually killed our Mom. We can have a better life, we CAN speak out and we have. Justice may not come in this life--but healing has!
Posted at
March 2, 2008 8:38 PM
I think I will eventually tell my children, when they are older, what happened to me and my sister. For now, if they see pictures of my "father", I just tell them he is a bad man that did bad things so that's why they never can see him. When they are old enough to not be really upset by what happened, I will tell them, so they can protect themselves. While my sister was in the Eating disorder center, she finally told that my brother had abused her as well, my brother that is still in contact with our "father." We see my brother still, so I just make sure my kids are never alone with him. I will not allow the abuse to continue!!
Posted at
May 21, 2008 11:46 AM
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I am so GLAD to see this site and what you are doing to fight this devastating disease called pornography. I learned about my husband's over 20 years addiction a few months ago after he had an affair. I am still so devastated and alone and utterly disgusted. I don't know what the future holds for us since I still can't trust him. He is in recovery and I hope will stay there I have hope one day things will turn out but every day I wonder if this will be the day for our family to be destroyed by this terrible thing. I hope and pray that The Lighted Candle Society will get somewhere with this and something will change. SO many families are being torn apart to this it is so incredibly sad to see this every where. There are so many men out there with this terrible addiction. This industry needs to be stopped!! Labels: addiction, devestation, distrust, everyone is affected, honesty, lies, pornography
I was in the same situation as you. My husband was addicted to porn and then had an affair. We are both getting help with separate therapists. And we both attend 12-step meetings: he for sex addiction and me for relatives of sex addicts, SA and S-Anon respectively. Please look into it as it will help you feel better about the situation.
Signed, Praying that our marriage survives in PA.
Posted at
May 11, 2008 2:48 PM
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About a year and a half ago I found out that my husband of seven years had been indulging in pornography off and on through out our marriage, some years much more then others. It was a secret that he had kept very well hidden from me... I was devastated... We had two kids, what was I going to do. The title's of some of the web sites I found horrified me. And not that long ago I had asked him directly about it since I knew that he had struggles as a youth and we had just found out about other family members being involved, he boldly denied that he had never even looked since we had been married... A blatant and bold face lie... I was so naive. But can I say a year later I know we are far from the end in this pornography riddled society, but things are so much better. HE is so much better! It took a lot of work, counselors, support groups, late night/all night “discussions”, fights, daily inventory, prayers, and prayers, pain and, I-tell-you-what, I went through a whole range of emotions, feelings even ideas that I would have NEVER anticipated which led to some situations that neither of us would ever have dreamt and hope to never repeat... But mostly it took a lot of love, forgiveness and repentance. It is very hard to forgive of this, but it is also very hard to admit and to change so we have had to work together. I am grateful that I have a husband who recognizes it as bad and realizes it is for the unsatisfiable demon that it is... I feel so bad for those who are suffering on both sides of not recognizing that. So my husband has been very good and has not looked since my discovery. Last year this time it was quite a struggle for him but now he says that it seems to be gone. But the thing that I love most is that he is so glad that it is gone. He has expressed to me how much better he feels and how grateful he is to not have that demon in his life. Now you might think that I have merely been lured into a false sense of security... But the thing is I have seen the change in him. We went through a lot of hell in our first seven years of marriage... IT SUCKED! Marriage is a big commitment to me, I am still very proud of the fact that I was a virgin until married. But we separated many times but I never could bring myself to break my commitment of marriage because to my knowledge I really didn’t have a good enough reason to, he was a jerk, but he wasn’t. There are so many things that made so much more sense after I found out about this “little problem” of his. I remember times in our marriage where I really struggled with what I knew about his pornography issues from before we had gotten married. I thought it was just me and that I wasn’t being forgiving enough, that it was my problem but as it turned out those were the times that he was indulging the most... Interesting... He was often very cold and apathetic, he had poor self esteem and these are just a few of the things but there were so many more. However, now I can truly say for the first time in 8 and ½ years that I Love my husband, not just because I love everyone, but because I really love who he really is. Once he took pornography out of his life he became a better person. He is more compassionate and sympathetic, he has more confidence, he is more pleasant to be around. His whole countenance has changed and not only do I love the change but he does to. And one of the most interesting things about it is that even our sex life is better. We are now a happier family on a more regular basis. I know that the battle is far from over but we are making progress and I am so grateful that my husband has been able to have a taste of life with out pornography because it truly is better! My heart goes out to all those who are working through this battle, stay strong and I love you for your efforts. Thank you so much for those of you involved in actually fighting the battle in the world... It is a daunting one but your cause is good! May I be able to help more as my own wounds heal! Labels: children, devestation, emotional pain, lies, Overcoming Addiction, Success
First of all lets call pornography what it is (SIN)!! Plain and simple..The only clause for divorce according to bible is fornication. You lose all respect for your spouse, and I belive it can never be earned back 100% completely. The brain records everything, those images can never be removed. It destroys marriages,families, and a society as a whole, don't be fooled. I could go on and on. I believe God through his precious Son Jesus Christ is able to heal any sin. I was molested as a young child by my Dad, and my Mom was told about it however looked the other way. In my own marriage, I to caught my husband looking at porn years ago, he denied it. I will NEVER trust another man in my life again, accept my beloved Son, who God has blessed with wisdom. Anyway I am still married to my husband and we just had a wedding anniversay 29 years. However its never been the same. Our sex life does not exist. I have very little respect for him. And yet after 20 years I have not caught him looking at porn, I am always thinking that he might be. My heartaches and tears fill my eyes, for any women who have to endure such pain and loss.
Posted at
January 17, 2008 8:15 PM
From one who has been there, I can say that one is never cured. Pornography is always lurking and one exposure to it can result in the addicted one regressing. However, armed with support from one's spouse, what was learned in therapy, and firm resolution from within the addict can head off a downward spiral. A year without viewing pornography is a milestone indeed. It is imperitive to always keep up your guard especially after one year, two years, five years and more. The vigilance is never ending.
Posted at
January 17, 2008 8:53 PM
Your story is almost exactly similar to mine. I know your struggles, I know your victories, I know your fears of repeating past behaviors, and I know how you are never 100% sure of the things he tells you. Pornagraphy brings such distrust and pain into a marriage. We need to fight to eliminate the accessiablity of this evil thing that is everywhere and anyone (minors) can find it! NOT Right!
Posted at
January 21, 2008 12:41 AM
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