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My husband is a sex addicted. I discovered his addiction nine months ago. I was checking our account I found out a big transfer of money to our credit card. I was curious about it. There were several purchases on the credit card to a Spa service. It was by my house and I went down there to check out about the place and why my husband paid $200 dollars just two days previously. (read the rest of the story... click here)My husband is a sex addicted. I discovered his addiction nine months ago. I was checking our account I found out a big transfer of money to our credit card. I was curious about it. There were several purchases on the credit card to a Spa service. It was by my house and I went down there to check out about the place and why my husband paid $200 dollars just two days previously.
My heart was broken in millions of pieces, when I saw the girl that worked at the place. I was devastated to talk to them. They told me my husband was a regular customer for parlor massages. I looked all over my house but found nothing. No magazines, no other evidence.
After a check of the computer I found it was in full of porn. I called my husband to confront him, he didn't deny it, he told me the truth. He had been paying for prostitutes for three years. It was so painful that almost left him on the spot.
He promised he would look for help and is seeing a therapist and is involved in a 12 step recovery program for sex addicts. On his own word he has been "sober" since that day.
It is been hard for me and my child. He is doing well not to look at the computer at home. But my thoughts about his betrayal, that he slept with numerous girls during those three years is killing my love for him. He says he will not do it again he will be faithful to me and be a great dad. But my trust is gone, because he acts like nothing happened. He said to me "you can leave the past in the past and enjoy the present".
I do not how to deal with my pain, I’m doing everything for my baby because I grew up in house with out a father I don’t one my son to grow up with out one. I’m scared because we have to move to different country and I’m not sure that he will really change. I don’t what to do? Do I leave with him or get divorce and continue my life alon? Labels: addiction, adultery, children, depression, distrust, divorce, emotional pain, fathers, financial, internet, lies, pornography, prostitution, sexual addiction, unfaithful, young mothers
Wow, what a tough situation. You have to do what you really feel deep down will be best. If I were in your situation though, I don't think I'd trust him enough to leave the country with him, especially since he seems to show no remorse for his actions. You can raise your baby to be happy and nurtured as a single mom. Many women do it.
Like I said, look deep down and decide if you still love and can trust him anymore. God bless you, I hope everything will turn out well.
Posted at
July 9, 2008 9:51 AM
I was involved in a similar situation. I chose to stay with him for several years. I found that he never changed his ways, he just became more secretive. He would keep assuring me that there were, "no more secrets."
Finally, after years of punishing myself in this situation, I gained the strength to make him leave. I got myself checked for STD's and started taking care of myself because I had spent every waking hour fully financially supporting him (and his addiction, it turns out) and worrying myself.
Four years later, I find myself quite happy. I took an entire year off from dating any man, as I needed time for myself and I needed to get my head on straight so I would have the confidence to make an appropriate decision in another husband.
Well, I have found him. I can not tell you the blessings I have had in my life with an honest, clean man. We are very open with each other, and he treats me like a queen. I know by how he looks at me, and treats me that he truely loves me (that wasn't the case before). Marriage is never without its trials, but they are so much easier if both partners value faithfullness.
It was hard to end the marriage at first, because I did not have the self esteem, but it was well worth it! I have taken all that worry time, traveled the world, and I am now venturing on a new degree!
Life is never withouth trials, but it is a whole lot of fun if you have a loyal, loving, partner!
In fact, last week, after speaking at a public event, somebody in the community (who knew my x and I) told my father how impressed he was with how I turned out dispite the terrible things that had happened to me. I take pride in working hard to get to this point. I am respected, and I deserve it. You and your child deserve it too.
Posted at
July 9, 2008 11:06 AM
I am so sorry for how your husband has betrayed you. He should be sorry too. If he is not, that may be part of your answer. Have you explained your feelings? You need him to know how he has hurt you. This pain will not go away for a long time if you stay with him. It will be painful if you leave too. I am not saying you should leave or stay...only you can decide that, but if you stay his very presence will tear at your heart. If he cares about you or is sorry he should respect that and feel horrible .
Is there any way you could stay where you are or near friends and family with the baby while he leaves? You will need a lot of support at a time like this. Do you have any? Leaving your friends and loved ones now will put you in an even more vulnerable position. You are important and so are your feelings. How do you want your son's Mother to be treated? May God bless you with strength of conviction and peace of mind. I pray that you will see your own incredible value as a Mother, as a woman, and as a child of God.
Posted at
July 9, 2008 11:16 AM
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I've known my husband since high school when we were in the ROTC together. We started dating just two days after meeting. He had the most beautiful smile. It was literally love at first sight. He treated me like a queen. Years later, after having had to move due to my dad's job, I came back to town we started dating again and got married. We were 20 years old. My marriage shortly after came tumbling down and fast. My heart felt shipwrecked still is and I feel so alone. He started the porn during the first 5 to 6 months of our marriage. Right after I had a miscarriage. I was so angry and upset as I had found his history of pornography on the computer THE VERY DAY WE LOST OUR CHILD!! ( click here to read the entire story) I've known my husband since high school when we were in the ROTC together. We started dating just two days after meeting. He had the most beautiful smile. It was literally love at first sight. He treated me like a queen.
Years later, after having had to move due to my dad's job, I came back to town we started dating again and got married. We were 20 years old. My marriage shortly after came tumbling down and fast. My heart felt shipwrecked still is and I feel so alone.
He started the porn during the first 5 to 6 months of our marriage. Right after I had a miscarriage. I was so angry and upset as I had found his history of pornography on the computer THE VERY DAY WE LOST OUR CHILD!!
Promises promises broken broken weeks to months to years of false promises lies, betrayal. He was addicted to all kinds of pornography like hentai, japanese anime cartoons having sex (I never even knew that existed!!). Not long after I confronted him. Then the abuse started.
I was eight months pregnant with our daughter when I told him I wanted the pornography out of our house! He grew furious and drug me across the floor with a trash bag in my hand and forced me to throw them away as he said he wasn't going to do it himself. I got slapped, pushed, shook.
I was so scared for my child I just knew I was going to miscarry. This abuse continued off and on for over a year or two. Even after my daughter was born. I remember he'd chase after us once and I locked her and myself up in our bedroom as he punched the door open like freaking Jack Nicholson with his axe in the Shining.
It was then that I realized my husband had a real problem pornography that was making him violent, angry, and controlling. I thought, this was not the man I married... but he was, I just never knew it.
We had agreed before we married that there would be no pornography in our marriage and no abuse as I told him I'd never marry a man whom treated a woman with such disrespect. I was wrong. So wrong, so dumb. I felt like a dog, a loser. The man that had sworn to protect me to honor me and love me was abusing me.
Then he would tell me that I wanted TOO MUCH SEX!! What? A husband complaining that his wife wanted to much sex? Months would go by when I realized it was he that wanted too much sex. But just not with me. There was even an incident where I was with my two year old daughter and caught him in the parking lot masturbating.
The last incident I came home after buying his birthday gift. He had got around the parent control system I'd set up and watched videos of lesbians while my two year old was up and HOME WITH HIM. She was taking a bath while he was doing this!
I was so angry. Worse, I found out that he'd been doing this for two weeks maybe more with me sitting right next to him or while I was working out in the very same room. Only two feet away from me and he was looking at this. I want to leave but then don't it's so hard we have two little girls.
He has not abused me in 4 years, but the porn continues. I'm falling apart. Feel so alone. So ugly I find myself making myself sick from working out so hard now and not eating. I never thought I was fat or ugly until the porn images in my head. I know I'm not suppose to blame myself and to know it isn't my fault. But I can't help it. He does this knowing I'll leave him for it.
He's made blood oaths. He's got down on his hands and knees and begs me to stay. Though he always goes back to pornography, promise after promise. I feel mocked as he does this when I told him how it makes me feel less of a woman. I feel cheated on every time.
I want my life back to be myself again to be happy and prideful of my husband but how can I be if I can't trust a word that comes from his mouth. The irony is I asked him how he would feel if I was like these girls that put themselves on the internet. He said he'd leave me if I ever did that. What is the difference? Why is it OK for other women but not his own wife? Why is it hot and sexy for them but I dare not go out even in a gown on my front porch without seemingly being a slut though secretly he is attracted to these kind of women.
He's also admitted that if I looked at other naked guys he'd feel the same why as me? REALLY? Then why keep doing me this way why risk losing everything you have for minutes of pleasure compared to a lifetime of joy of knowing you have a wife and kids that love you more than anything in this world.
I've always been able to pick myself up from this to believe I don't deserve this that I am better than this and etc etc. But now? After 6 years of lies, betrayal so many bad memories erasing the good? I know men and some women that don't consider pornography wrong or cheating. But I ask how is it not? Your imagining sex with someone other than your spouse. At times you choose it over your spouse. It causes self esteems to be crushed, broken families, depression. Not to mention it makes the most sincere, sweetest men into total pigs, violent, controlling.
This was really hard to write and I'm at a loss. I know I'm not the only woman out there suffering day by day but at times it feels like it. Any woman going through this knows entirely what I mean... My heart and prayers for you all as I live this every day.
The most I fear for is my children through this all. What is it showing them? And if I leave I'm breaking my family apart taking them away from their daddy. But if I stay will he ever ever do as he says? Or will I stay only to realize I'm just making things worse by staying for myself and my kids and even for him? I'm I sitting myself up again to get hurt by the man I've known nearly half my life as my best friend, lover and now husband and father of my beautiful girls. This is what goes through my mind constantly every day.
Supposedly, he went two years with no porn at all!. Just 2 weeks ago was the incident with him on the computer and my daughter in the bathtub! I've got to put my kids first and him last... And that is my choice it is how it should be. As he is not my responsibility but they are and they are my world. Labels: addiction, adultery, children, depression, distrust, divorce, fathers, internet, physical abuse, pornography, sexual abuse
I am so sorry that you have gone through so much heartache. You are not alone. I have no answers for you but I want you to know that your reaction to pornography is the right one. It is poison that is killing everything it touches.
While most of our culture sits around blind to what Porn is doing to us a few of us are waking up to the horror. Pornography has done so much damage to women. We are putting all of our self worth in the basket that is filled by how attractive we are to others. And who could blame us? How many women are going through painful surgeries, starving themselves and worse just to look right for some looser in love with touched up fake women on line?
Our husbands views of women is a terrible message to your daughters, to mine, and to you and me. Here we are, there are no easy answers but you are right to protect your daughters and you are right try to live a life as far away as you can get from porn. Good luck, God Bless you and do what you need to protect your daughters. In my case it means staying...Be careful and if he hurts you again, please get away from him and turn him in. You deserve to be safe and your daughters should never see their mother treated so badly.
Posted at
June 25, 2008 4:55 PM
I am so sorry for what you've gone through. I experienced some of the same, but from the view that your children will. My father was addicted to porn, and he molested my sister and I, and beat my brothers all the time. It tore us apart as kids. We were actually really glad when my mom finally was able to kick my "father" out for good. I haven't had any contact with him since the divorce 10 years ago, and that is my choice. I will do everything I have to do to protect my daughters from that monster. I encourage you to get away from your husband. If the pornography isn't enough, the physical abuse should be. He sounds really violent. I really think it would be better for your children in the long run. I've gone through a lot of counseling to get over the things I experienced growing up, and I am glad I've been able to work through them. The longer that your children are exposed to his violence the more it will impact them. For now, I really suggest that you try not to leave your kids alone with him. You don't want them to become victims at his hands. Good luck, and may the Lord help you through this.
Posted at
June 25, 2008 6:34 PM
I have deep sympathy for you and your children (the miscarriage also). I would like to gently bring something to your attention. You stated in your article that he has not abused you for 4 years - then you go on to say that you feel poorly about yourself.....
I have been in this situation also. Not until years later, after separating myself from him and surrounding myself with people who thought highly of me, did I regain my self esteem. The reason that you feel so bad is NOT because of you or any of your decisions or any of your actions. You are still being severely emotionally abused. We women of porn-addictive spouses develop a lot of ways that allow us to continue to be abused.
I do not know if you believe in a higher being (or if you are religious)but, this quote helped me understand something that I didn't understand while in a porn-infested relationship. This is regarding women/girls: "There has come to you as your birthright something beautiful and sacred and divine. Never forget that. Your Eternal Father is the great Master of the universe. He rules over all, but He also will listen to your prayers as His daughter and hear you as you speak with Him. He will answer your prayers. He will not leave you alone."
If you have any religious belief in a higher being that can help you know what to do..... pray, meditate, and have the courage to do what is right. That higher being does not want women to be abused, used, neglected, or sad. That higher being will help you have the strength to help yourself and your children. If you don't have confidence in yourself, have confidence in that higher being to escort you out of the darkness of pornography into a fun, happy, and exciting life. My life is full of beauty and blessings after four years of recovering from the abuse. (Not easy, but well-worth it).
Posted at
June 26, 2008 6:42 PM
I'm very sorry for this torture that you are enduring. Pornography is such a poison, and has hurt so many families, mine included. I can relate to your hurt and disgust.
I've been attending a support group, it's put on by my church, but there are others there that go to SANON meetings. It's like ALANON. It's specifically for sex addicts families, spouses. I've found it IMMENSELY HELPFUL.
Posted at
June 27, 2008 12:58 AM
I want my life back too. My husband has never been violent with me. But I found out 3 weeks ago about his porn addiction that had been going on for at least 10 months. He started just days after our 2nd wedding anniversary.He would do it while I was at work, he was supposed to be watching our son, instead he would spend hours looking at porn on-line.
We have talked and he says he is insecure with himself and that he was doing it so he could last longer with me. This makes no sense to me. I realized when I found out about his problem that was why I no longer enjoyed sex with him and explained why I felt like he was just having sex with me to have sex, instead of making love to me like he used to.
I also know that I cannot blame myself. I still feel alone and betrayed, after all looking at other women is not being faithful to me his wife. The way I see it is that he broke his wedding vows. I am lost and do not know how to get over this pain and lonliness or how to trust him. I know he is trying to make me feel loved, but he over looks the liitle things like an extra hug or the focus on me. He does the things I ask him to I feel I should not have to tell my husband how to show me he loves me. Just yesterday he told me that the simple things I need to see him do to show his love are not that simple. I don't know what to think of that just that comment crushed any hope I had for him.
Before we got married we promised to never get divorced and I know we will get through this and be stronger but I feel like he takes me for granted and I don't know how to get over that I feel like he has torn our family apart.
Posted at
June 27, 2008 5:23 PM
I feel so terrible for you. My husband also is addicted to porn and will do anything to watch it. he has bought dvd recorders, gotten new cable boxes, and anything else he can do to watch it. I didn't have a horrible problem with it until I found a tape he had made without my knowledge. Not only was I on there but most of the tape was me unconcious while he was raping and sodimizing me. It is horrible. Like you I know my husband is not this person (or at least I thought so.) I want to leave but I don't know how. I wish that men could never hurt women like they do.
Posted at
June 28, 2008 8:09 PM
I know what you are going through.I am there with you.I do consider porn a form of adultry.I have fought the urge to leave for years.I have starved myself and cried myself to sleep.He has promised to give it up anf threw it away and I slowly go back to trusting him but not anymore.I will never trust him and now I just believe no matter what he says that he watches porn.It has ruined our sex life but most of all it changed how I look at him.He gets angry too when he is caught and tries to change it around on me and now there is resentment not because he looks at porn but because its the only thing I have ever asked him to give up for me and he cant do it.I have give up anything he has ever asked not because it was wrong but because it was important to him as a a show of undying love.I cant do that anymore and that is a shame .Now i ignore his whining about what I do and just continue .I dont see us together in the future.i try to picture it wihtout him.I am only still with him until my daughter leaves for college and I can get things in order.I know some would view this as wrong but I have to do it this way for my sanity.He becomes overwhelmingly controlling if he thinks I havent let it go.I dont know if you can get your life back the way you knew it.You can accept the changes and make a new life or find the life you want for yourself.My husband thinks there is nothing wrong with it and I am wrong for trying to control what a 50 yr. old man views but as with you he controls everything I wear in public and I believe his perverted ideas are because of porn.I am not an addict and will no longer let someone elses addiction control my world.
Posted at
July 7, 2008 11:23 AM
I understand how it hurts and the same thing happened to me and I could not ever get my trust back again.It hurts and you hope he will stop but most likely he wont.I took my 7 year old daughter and left.I am much happier now and have met a wonderful man who respects me and treats us like we should be treated.Porn is a way of cheating allthough many women enjoy it,as well,I find it nasty and sick.I love sex but have always been strong on my dislike for porn or magazines.Just remember you should never be jealous because they are phony and airbrushed and made up and you are real and what this whole porn issue is,is disrespect not jealousy.He is a cheater and you are better then that.Good luck and I will pray for your strength young lady.
Posted at
July 8, 2008 12:47 AM
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I met my husband in college and after we had known each other for about three years, we decided to get married. I thought I was marrying someone just like me, a goodie-goodie. Our marriage wasn't as wonderful as I had expected, but it wasn't terrible either. I soon realized that this family I married into was very different from my family... Click here to read the entire story...I met my husband in college and after we had known each other for about three years, we decided to get married. I thought I was marrying someone just like me, a goodie-goodie. Our marriage wasn't as wonderful as I had expected, but it wasn't terrible either. I soon realized that this family I married into was very different from my family.
My first impressions of his parents were that they seemed nice, but very quiet. I then noticed his parents took on what we would call traditional roles, where his father ran the farm and his mother took care of the house and the children. At first I didn't see anything wrong with it, until I noticed that she was expected to help with the farm when things got busy, but he NEVER lifted a finger to help her with the house or kids. I also noticed his mother waited on his father hand and foot, and obeyed every command he gave.
But I felt we were different and that my husband wasn't a tyrant like his father and I wasn't a slave like his mother. But at the time, I didn't realize how much damage had already been done. That a family system like his was breeding grounds for addictions. And that these addictions were well into place before he ever met me.
After we had been married for about 12 years is when I first noticed some major changes in him. We had just put our house on the market when he started to not feel well. He refused to see a doctor, so the responsibilities of having the house and the yard ready to show, fell on my shoulders. At the same time, we had been trying to get pregnant with our fourth child for over a year. The stress was getting to me, but by the end of the summer our house sold, he got better, and I got pregnant!
I thought things would only get better. They only got worse. Shortly after our move things got really busy with his work. He started working longer hours and would even stay all night on many occasions. And the few evenings he did come home, he would stay in the basement claiming he had work to do. I would beg him to hire someone else at work, but he would only chew me out. He then started to get sick again and would still refuse to see the doctor, and once again he would tell me to leave him alone. At this time I was 8 months pregnant, and we had hardly seen him in the last 5 months. I felt like a single parent.
After the baby was born, his behavior got even stranger. By then, I was fed up with him never being home, so I called the manager and asked why nothing had been done to improve this. He said he didn't know why he ALWAYS worked late. He could understand some nights, but every night? They did hire someone else, but he claimed the work load only got bigger, so the late nights continued. He also continued to be sick with weird symptoms and still refused to see a doctor. All he said was he never got enough time to himself, and that so much was expected of him. A whole week would easily go by without him seeing me or the kids. Even on Sundays we wouldn't see him, because his church calling would have him attend a different building for church, and then he would leave from there to go to work. I didn't know what to do.
Another six months went by, and I continued to function as a single parent. The very few hours he was at home he was either asleep or in the basement and did not want to be disturbed. Every time I tried to approach him about him abandoning us or his continuing illness, I would get the same lecture that he was too stressed and tired and to leave him alone. He showed no concern for me or the kids and continued to only get sicker. I finally decided he wasn't a part of our life and that I was indeed a single parent. That was how I survived.
On New Year's day 2007, he got ill enough that he finally decided he had to see a doctor. They immediately admitted him to the hospital and diagnosed him with PCP, a form of pneumonia. I thought finally! Now they can give him meds, get him better and things will now improve. Well of course, things only got worse. He then told me PCP is only found in people with HIV.
How could this be? I then asked how did you get HIV? All he said was I don't know and you have to be tested too. In extreme shock, I went to be tested which thankfully turned out to be negative. The doctors promised me my kids would be negative too, but that didn't make the pain and shock any less. What happened to my innocent life?
I couldn't believe he would sit there and tell the doctors he had no idea how he got HIV. These were the people who were trying to save his life! Who is this person I am married to? I think he truly thought he was fooling us, but anyone with half a brain knows how you get it and how you don't! Once the actual blood counts came back, he was then diagnosed with AIDS. (cd4 count of 20.)
I then decided I would be a kind supportive wife through this tragedy in hopes that he would confess to me. He was in out of the hospital over the next month, with me running back and forth with four kids. It then took him another two months to get any energy back and to get used to the "cocktail". I was the one who took care of him at home, thinking I was doing what was right. I thought for sure once he was feeling better he would apologize for the way he had treated us, thank me for all I had done, and humbly confess. I got none of that.
Once he got his strength back and started going back to work, the long hours came back too. Furious, I tried several times to talk to him about it, but he would just avoid me or leave the conversation. Finally, after months of living this nightmare again, I decided I had to take things into my own hands. I had refused to do this before, because I had promised myself that I would never become a snoop. I had wanted to be a trusting person, but since he would not confess and with things only getting worse, I decided I had to do it. I was scared of what I would find and even more scared of what if he found out.
I had noticed over the past year that he had started carrying a backpack around with him. He claimed he needed it for his gym clothes so he could go exercise while he was at work. He always took it with him, no matter where he was going. When he was at home, he would store it downstairs under his desk. One night while he was working in the garage, I decided to check there first. That was the first and last place I needed to check.
The backpack was stuffed full of gym clothes as he claimed, but I did eventually find a necessity kit that looked suspicious. In it I found everything I was looking for and a whole lot more. As a matter of fact, I didn't even know what half of the stuff was. The things I found were condoms, sex stuff, Viagra, money, crystal meth, drug paraphernalia, and pornography on DVDs. (I had to check the internet and with the police to verify everything.) I now understood his behavior.
With the help of my bishop, we then sat down to confront him. It took him a long time to even admit what he had done. He finally said that this double life started shortly after our first baby was born. He claims I gave too much attention to the baby. He said it all started out with a curiosity in pornography, which eventually turned into acting out sexually with men. He actually justified his actions, because he claims he only did this a couple of times a year. (That makes it all better you know!) After about ten years of this, he finally gave into the drugs that were always offered to him. This only made his double life escalate. He went from acting out a couple of times a year to a couple of times a day in the last two years. Since he is one of the owners of the business, he was able to work his odd hours and give himself bonuses (for drugs) without anyone saying a word. He had a great set-up for a lifestyle like his. Too bad his wife had to go and blow it for him.
I told him then that I would not kick him out now, because I knew without serious help and support, he would dive into that lifestyle until he was dead. It still took months to get confessions out of him, and even then he would only answer what I asked and would never volunteer information. I still had to pick and choose what to believe, because his confessions were still so full of lies. Even now months later, I still stumble across things he never told me about. He was eventually excommunicated from the church, which was a surprise to him and his parents. (Which just proves where he gets his faulty beliefs from.)
So, where are we now? We are both in a program called Lifestar, that helps sex addicts and their spouses. He is also seeing a drug therapist, with a weekly urine analysis. I am also seeing a therapist and I do speak frequently with our Bishop. My therapist wants him to be seen by a Psychiatrist, that specializes in homosexual sex addiction and have a full battery of test performed. Many of us feel he suffers from severe personality disorders, and without a proper diagnosis, he will never recover. He has also been told to have regular visits with our Bishop and other church leaders. Well, he feels that the two programs he is involved with is enough. He has claimed that he has completely stopped acting out and that he has recovered. So why does he need more treatment? He doesn't like people telling him what to do, especially if it is his wife and her therapist. He said that he can handle all of this on his own and that what he has done isn't that bad. His father even agrees with him that he does not need to see the Bishop or continue with treatment. (As a matter of fact, his father blames me for all of this. But I'll save that for another day.) He continues to attend church with us and puts the front on that everything is okay.
So where am I with this? I knew back with his diagnosis that he had killed the marriage. I kept things together so he could get into proper treatment and maybe start the repentance process. I now see that I was only dreaming. Everyday I try my best to be pleasant and to continue being a good wife and mother. I felt due to the horrific things he had done, our intimate life was over, but I could still allow him to kiss me goodbye. I thought I was being Christ-like by trying to help, but he recently told me I have been extremely cold and unChrist-like to him. I also told him that I could be of more support to him as a friend, than as a spouse. That only made him angry that I was not willing to work on our marriage. I do realize that I was expecting a healthy response from an unhealthy person. A few months back I did talk to a lawyer and I am also trying to figure out what I can do with an old health degree. (I will probably go into Nursing.)
I do know every ones repentance process will be different and that it is not my place to judge. But I do know that I have to make a righteous judgment for the safety of my children and myself. I do not feel that he has even scratched the surface of repentance. I have yet to see any remorse or regret for what he has done. All I see is frustration and anger towards me, because I'm not doing what he thinks I should be doing. He wants me to quickly forgive and forget and act like this never happened. Not once has he asked me what he could do for me.
Labels: addiction, adultery, AIDS, children, devestation, distrust, fathers, lies, pornography, spouse
Wow, I thought my stuff was hard. And it is. It's all so horrible and not at all what we signed on for when we got married. You are amazingly strong. I am so glad that you are getting help and support. I'm glad your bishop is there for you. That has not been my experience at all. It is too awkward and embarrassing for my bishop to handle. Please look out for yourself and your children first. Take care of yourself. I'm not so good at that, but I know it is the right thing. Even through all the ugliness and overwhelming bad stuff I still know that Heavenly Father loves us.
Posted at
June 19, 2008 10:53 AM
The Lord never gives us trials that we cannot handle. He knows you are a very strong and courageous woman. And you have handled this. I know what it is like to be lied to and manipulated by the man you love. Your love goes so deep, and that only makes it hurt more. I pray that I can be a strong as you. Thank you for sharing your story.
Posted at
June 19, 2008 11:27 AM
May I also thank you for sharing your story. I think many of us can find some truth in your story that fits ours. It is so difficult when our faith is strong and we expect our partner to be honest and faithful. It hurts so much. I have read lots and lots of books and they really help me sort through my fears, feelings and what is real & true. Heavenly Father knows we can only be responsible for how we treat others NOT how they treat us. You are wise to know your husband is unhealthy so his responses are unhealthy. He has believed lies and it sounds like he continues to believe lies and want you to join him. YOU KNOW WHAT IS TRUE. Honesty and fideility. I would suggest your husband POSSIBLY was sexual abused as a child or exposed to sexual activity prior to an age he could understand the behavior? Has he opened up enough to share his early childhood sexual experiences. Just a thought from experience. Hold your head up high and know that you deserve to be appreciated for your kindness and if your husband is so lost he continues to see himself as the victim you MAY want give him an opportunity to handle HIS mess by himself. It is right to help others who help themselves BUT I have found it is easy also to enable those who continue to be stuck and that is not good for either of you.
Posted at
June 19, 2008 12:44 PM
I can not imagine how you have coped with all the things you describe! I have also endured a lot because of my husband's addiction, but it pales in comparison to your story. You are so strong! I hope that your husband will alter his thoughts, beliefs and desires in a way that will bring REAL change. Thank you for being brave enough to share your experience. I pray for your family!
Posted at
June 19, 2008 12:54 PM
God never intended for his daughters to be treated this way. Here is a quote from a LDS church leader, Gordon B. Hinkley, in a book called, 'My Dear Sisters':
"My heart reaches out to you. I appreciate you. I honor you. I respect you. What a tremendous force for good you are. You are the strength of the present, the hope of the future. You are the sum of all the generations that have gone before, the promise of all that will come hereafter."
I am sure that God feels the same about his daugthers. Be strong - support what is right and correct. Pray, and you will have the strength to carry out what is virtuous. (It is your responsibility to care for your physcial safety as well as your children.)
Posted at
June 26, 2008 7:04 PM
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[editor's note: this entry is sometimes explicit and may not be comfortable for some people. But the story is powerful and she needs your support]Two’s company, three’s a crowd:- My husband, me and pornography. I first got married when I was very young and pregnant. Sadly the marriage was a mistake and as the years passed we found we had no love for each other. When our son was just 12 and our daughter was only a toddler of 2, we separated.
The divorce was nasty and traumatic and during the separation period I had a major nervous breakdown- even attempting suicide. Our children were both very badly affected by the whole situation. We agreed that the boy should stay with his father and the girl should stay with me. That was a big mistake as even to this day I struggle to have a normal relationship with my own son, and our daughter won’t speak to her father.
My ex- poisoned my son’s mind with so many untrue stories about me that he has even attacked me and my home in order to vent his fury. The whole experience was nasty and my ex - even became violent towards me as well.
I brought the little girl up and did an awful job. Depressed people become very introvert and full of self pity as that is part of the disease. I regret to say that I paid my daughter very little attention during the formative years when she needed a mothers love. In later years she stopped going to school, stopped eating, started taking drugs and self harming. Eventually she ran away from home at just 13 and only came back a year later because she had become so ill.
I have tried to help her and she has improved, but she has never been happy. She is now 20 and unemployed with bleak prospects. I feel that both my ex- and I have been irresponsible, selfish and are completely to blame for what our children suffered. If I could turn back the hands of time I would have stayed in my loveless first marriage until at least our children were old enough to find their own ways in the world. I am full of sorrow and regret but it is all too late.
So now, if ever I hear of a marriage breaking up or a relationship in trouble, if children are involved I would always encourage the couple to try and work it out. I really wish I had tried harder.
Anyway the years passed by and eventually I recovered my sanity and met husband number 2. He knew about my past and was kind and understanding. However I should have seen the warning lights when on our wedding night he refused to make love to me. This was 12 years ago and out of interest I would like to describe what I looked like 12 years ago.
During my former 5 years of depression I had used exercise as a way of coping with my pain. I would run away all my tears and anger and would go the gym to meet people. 5 years of doing this and my body was slim, toned and amazing. I will probably sound vain when I say this, but I am tired of reading that only men married to ugly women use pornography because that is simply not true. I have always been blessed with good looks and never had a problem attracting a man. As a bride to be I had made more effort than ever to ensure my skin and hair looked great for my weeding. Yet here I was in the sexiest of underwear with my tones shapely body and my new husband didn’t want to know. I had to plead with him to make love to me. That is how the start of our married life continued.
He would have to masturbate just to get an erection and even then was unable to have an orgasm. Can you believe that he used to fake it? I began to realise that begging for intimacy and having your partner fake it was undignified and unbecoming….so I simply gave up. I hoped that taking the pressure away from him would ease the situation. We both desperately wanted a child, but without lovemaking this clearly wasn’t going to happen.
At this time I had no idea what my husband’s problem was and thought it was just something physical or psychological. He told me he was under stress from work. Anyway- we had to resort to IVF to conceive our daughter since we could not conceive her in the normal way. Our daughter changed our lives and we both love and adore her so much, but whilst just 14 weeks pregnant with her I finally discovered my husbands problem was.
I was in the attic over our garage searching for something when I came across a large bag I had not seen before. As I opened it I was confronted with hundreds or pornographic video tapes. I am not just talking a few tapes here- but something like 300 tapes. I had been feeling sorry for my husband thinking that due to stress at work he had lost his sex drive. However now I knew the truth and his sex drive was alive and kicking. He loved sex- just not with me.
I brought the tapes indoors, destroyed them all, packed my bags and left. I was heartbroken and felt such a fool. He was devastated when he came home and found his pregnant wife had left him. He begged me to return and promised that he would never ever look at pornography ever again. He swore on his life that he would give it up for ever.
Our daughter is now 8 years old, and I can tell you that his promises were just words and nothing more than that. He has broken that promise a million times since and I would never believe any man who ever said they would never look at porn ever again. The years have passed and although I have put on about a stone in weight and am pushing 50, I am still an attractive woman with a good body that I have always looked after.
Men still chase me- but not my husband. My marriage is sexless and my husband finds ever more inventive ways to access porn.
- I blocked off the bad TV channels, so he got a computer.
- I put porn blocks on his computer, but he could still down load “You Tube” videos as the software doesn’t block them.
- I had spyware (Webwatcher) installed so I could see what he was doing and found he was accessing adult contact sites.
- My little daughter would be playing games on the Disney sites when a popup of a naked lady would appear on screen.
The family PC was badly contaminated by all the dodgy sites he had been on, so I just removed the PC. Of course that didn’t stop him and men get very inventive when they hide porn.
Cars are a good place to search. I have found many a magazine under the spare wheel. He gets DVD’s now and they are so much smaller and easier to conceal that the old chunky video tapes from a few years back. I had to face it – my 2nd husband was addicted to porn and did not want to make love to me because he preferred the fantasy and the young nubile bodies presented to him in this glossy unreal world of titillation.
I now have my own confession to make. Many years back I was so distressed by his behavior towards me, I decided to seek revenge. My reasoning was that if he could have his own secret little sexual world- then so could I. So I started to have one night stands.
Some were guys from adult contact sites, some were guys from work, some were guys I just met whilst out shopping in the supermarket. As I mentioned before, attracting men was never a problem for me once I put up the “available” sign. I didn’t want to have an affair as believe it or not, I was madly in love with my husband.
I didn’t want a relationship with another man. Yet I have to admit now- these one night stands were seedy and I hated every moment. You may laugh (or cry) when I tell you this, but I had to close my eyes and pretend the stranger having sex with me was my husband, to even become aroused. Isn’t that normally a reversal of the standard rule?
I think my husband suspected I was up to something, but to be honest I don’t think he cared enough to pay that much attention or to have me followed. After a year or so I gave up this behavior of my own accord because I realized it wasn’t really revenge at all. How can a secret be revenge? I was only hurting and insulting myself.
I have been a “wife in a porn affected marriage” for 12 years now and I am not sure what to advise woman on this site. Despite his weakness and addiction I still love my husband and my little daughter is a happy well adjusted child who is growing up in what she believes to be a happy family unit. After the way I hurt my eldest 2 children through divorcing husband number 1, there is no way on Gods earth I am going to destroy the innocent childhood of my child by husband number 2.
So you can probably guess that I have elected to stay inside my loveless marriage for the sake of my little girl. She is more important to me than my lack of a loving sex life. Also the grass is now always greener on the other side. I left a husband who was physically and mentally abusive towards me and replaced him with a man addicted to porn who never touches me – no kisses, no cuddles and certainly no sex.
Lots and lots on men use porn these days as it is all over the place, as are lap dancing bars and escort services. I could swap husband number one with husband number 3 and find out he uses prostitutes. Men are so weak and there are no guarantees that the replacement partner won’t have the same or even worse vices. I have also stopped all the obsessive searching for his porn as it become too time consuming and makes one a bit paranoid.
I used to always look at my husband black underwear for white stains as that was a tell tale sign that he had been masturbating. However now I close my eyes and throw them in the washing machine quickly. I could always tell when the DVD unit in the bedroom had been turned on, when I had switched it off just before I went to work. It is easy to spot when my husbands been up to his usual thing, but I try not to see the signs. Instead I have tried to find a happy life of my own.
I have my hobbies, lots of friends and as always my gym and my running. I also try to be the loving mother to my daughter that I should have been to my 1st daughter. She is my top priority in life. I can’t ever say that my porn addicted husband and I will stay together forever. I can’t ever say I will ever really trust him, and maybe the next step will be that he moves onto the next level and makes sexual contact with a real person. However I can’t say I really care anymore. It’s much easier not to care as you will never cure these guys I do try to make it difficult for him to access porn (as in getting rid of his PC and the DVD), but I know I can never totally prevent it.
I have lots of close male friends at work, who whilst not addicted and remaining as loving husbands to their wives, still confess to occasionally stopping at a service station with a porn magazine which they dispose of straight afterwards.
You can’t imprison your partner or put them on a leash. There will always be porn opportunities for men who want it. So it’s a no win situation for people like me. Oh and before anyone accuses me of being a frigid prude, can I assure anyone reading this that this is anything but the truth. I do not disapprove of pornography at all and have before now have found it quite arousing and erotic. What I do not approve of is its misuse to the degree that a man prefers the use of porn to making love to his wife.
Lovemaking gives a relationship warmth and intimacy and without it the partnership can lose its sparkle. My husband is virtually little more than a friend and a distance has come between us. I think having a flutter on a horse can be fun, but I believe that gambling on a regular basis can be financially devastating. I think a glass of wine with a meal s fantastic, but I believe becoming an alcoholic is life threatening and destructive. I think that using erotic images as part of a loving sexual relationship is healthy, but I believe replacing the sexual relationship with porn is selfish, irresponsible and quite frankly sad.Labels: adultery, children, depression, distrust, divorce, emotional pain, fathers, honesty, internet, pornography, sexual addiction, unfaithful, young mothers
I have been thinking a lot about you and your post. I too am dealing with a man who prefers porn over intimacy. With children involved the situation becomes complicated. I don't know if it is better to stay with a man who deals with this or to leave. The fear of the children being exposed is my greatest concern. How can a man be the kind of father he needs to be for a child when he is involved with such a perverted and sexually addictive habit? There is so much heartache and sadness that revolves around pornography. I will be thinking of you and hoping the best for you.
Posted at
June 2, 2008 11:20 AM
I know the impact of pornography. I was exposed as a child to porn, and it nearly destroyed my life. As a young man, I gave myself to the pleasures that pornography brings. I offered myself to lust, seeking the promises of thrills and excitement. Eventually, I began to want to stop, but I couldn't. Years of exposure tainted my soul and left images in my head. I was addicted. My marriage was falling apart, my hopes to be a minister were slipping away, but I couldn’t let go of my sinful habit, no matter how hard I tried.
But then, God got my attention! It was only after I began to see just how God felt about pornography and lust that I began to change within. Pornography is sin; therefore, it is a spiritual issue and must be dealt with at this level first. Before a man or woman can break free from sin, they must acknowledge it as sin. Then, God can begin to open their eyes and help them to see just how much destruction it is causing.
If you, or someone you love, is dealing with a pornography problem, then pray and ask God to reveal how He views porn. Also, pray and ask God that you, or the other person, will have a receptive heart. This is where the healing and walk to freedom begins. I suggest that you read and pray over 1 Timothy 4:1-8 and 1 Corinthians 6:12-20. These two passages give us very deep insight into the way God feels about sexual immorality.
The fight must begin on the spiritual level, and then, move into practical applications of God’s word. Freedom is possible, please do not lose hope. God is there, and He wants to deliver you and your loved ones from this terrible and destructive sin.
Posted at
June 4, 2008 12:24 PM
I am going through the same situation and only my husband is sexually active with me but he prefers to cover my face so he doesn't have to see me. I have so many self esteem problems it's not even funny. I guess I have the choice of having intimacy with my husband and let him cover my face or I have the option of your situation and have no intimate relationship at all. I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do but I am most concerned for my children concerning the fact that my children have been exposed while I'm at work, not because I have caught it but because I see certain things that my son does and it really makes you wonder. But as we all know life goes on and I know or hope that eventually my husband will get tired of doing this gross thing and stop. I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet. I want to leave him so bad but then I think of my children and it makes me think of the future. They love their father so much but I'm just wondering if it is in their own good to take them away from that kind of situation because what will happen when my daughter gets to adolescents and begins to develop? I can swear if he ever does anything to my daughter I can sincerely say that I will kill him.
Posted at
June 17, 2008 1:30 PM
You have my sympathy. I am going through something similiar with my husband. It's gotten to the point where I'm just ready to give up. I try to discourage his pornography use whenever I can but like you said if a man really wants to have it, he will find a way. Plus porn is so easily accessible these days. I can't leave him...I'm pregnant with our 2nd child. I still love him but we very seldom have sex and when we do it feels like he is not there on an emotional level. It's as though he's just doing it out of obligation. The whole situation is very sad. We (You, myself, other women in this situation) should not have to live this way!
Posted at
July 2, 2008 6:53 PM
I am the lady who wrote this story and I would like to thank everyone for their comments. Sorry for being so graphic- but as a subject Porn is graphic.
It is difficult! My husband loves and adores porn. It's easy, it doesn't answer him back, it doesn't ask him to mow the lawn. He is not judged on his performance and the only person he has to please is himself. To many men like our partners, porn is easy, feels good, simple to get and these days with memory sticks and internet enabled phones - very easy to hide. Why on earth would anyone give up something that feels good and in their minds is not doing anyone any harm.
However it is doing harm. It is harming the wives & girlfriends of these guys, harming our Trust, harming our relationships and if the love flies out the window- doesn't the family and children end up the victims?
I don't even sleep in the same bed as my husband any more. We don't kiss, cuddle or hold hands even. I have no respect for him at all. Fortunatly I have hit the menopause and with zero hormones I am blessed to have lost my sex drive- so there is no longer this great empty void in my life.
I prefer it when I am in the house alone and love it when he is out. All in all - you could say I have no relationship with him.
I guess the porn doesn't bother me now. You have to love someone to feel hurt and I feel nothing. I just really wish that the companies & people that make so much money out of this industry realised the effect this is having on our society.
Porn isn't about "making love" - porn is about "killing love" !
Posted at
July 9, 2008 10:52 AM
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I think that your web site is amazing! I was in a porn-addicted marriage for 9 years. I commend you for your fight against pornography. I swore to myself while I was getting tested for STD's, (after finding out that my husband had been cheating on me for several years), that I would do anything to bring down the PORN industry!! How humiliating that was for me, a faithful wife and member of my church!! I dove into a lot of information regarding pornography after I learned of his addiction and unfaithfulness. I found him wrapped so tight with this animalistic addiction, that he had nearly drown by then - and I suffered from physical demise related to his cheating. After coming up with courage to stand up and let out the, "secret," of what was really going on - so many women came to me with a similar problem. I was astounded at the number of women who worked next to me, and went to church every Sunday, who was struggling with addicted men!! I was more startled that nearly every story gave the same text-book description of the addict's actions, temperament, lying, cheating, money problems, family problems, etc. (Your web site supports this.) Coming from the medical profession, I could see that this porn bug had an incubation period where it would lie dormant for a while, then exacerbate. The addict's actions would exacerbate during the active state of the porn bug's flare-up. If you read into the psychology of addiction in general, you can see the porn addict also. Porn is a TRUE mental, physical, and chemical ADDICTION INFECTION. It bites people before they are addicted. If we can immunize against the porn bug's effect (by having a resistance already built up in our minds and bodies) we will decrease the likeliness of active infection. I believe that the immunization is EDUCATION. Like many other diseases, it is better to seek out the immunization early, than try to fix the disease after it has taken its silent toll (as the addict will remain maimed from past damage). As secrecy breeds this bug, we need to shout louder than the corners of our homes, to educate of the filthiness and horror of pornography use. This is where I believe we need to start in fighting the porn industry. Labels: addiction, adultery, depression, distrust, emotional pain, family, lies, Overcoming Addiction, pornography
After 23 years discovered husband's porn addiction. Thought with counseling, reading, etc. we were okay. Found out 3/21/08 he(53 years old) has been carrying on inappropriate relationship with young girl (age 23) at work. Denies anything physical has happened. Also admits to being flirting and sexualizing for entire marriage. Back in counseling and he is attending SA meetings weekly (has promised to attend meetings for for the rest of his life). Feel like whole marriage has been a fake. Will I ever be able to trust him? Love him? Have sex with him again? Now what???? One day at a time I guess.
Posted at
May 13, 2008 9:36 PM
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I have been married a little over 2 years. I am "considered" beautiful, I get hit on a lot still....but I hate myself, my body, I am insecure, and I am insecure in my marriage. WHY? I wasn't this way when I first got married. My husband seemed perfect, I thought I knew everything about him. Only 9 months into our marriage he told me he'd been looking at porn, It so didn't seem like him....I laughed and said "are you serious" (honestly thinking he was joking). He was serious, he said it was only once, he wanted to tell me right away and it wouldn't happen again. I respected him for coming and telling me, but I was devastated too....I told myself and my mom...this would never happen to me. You see, my mom didn't want me to turn out like her. My dad was a sex-aholic, he cheated on her a lot, was into porn, everything. And my dad actually had a good heart and was a good dad...but as many other men, he got sucked into the spiral addiction of sexual things promoted in our society, it became a real addiction. I saw it ruin my parents' marriage, and ruin my dad's soul and sense of self worth. My dad really ruined his life by having sex with ANYONE, and one lady recently wrongly convicted him of rape when she couldn't deal with her own guilt of having sex outside of marriage (something she had never done). So my dad is prison due to sex addiction and bad choices, I found out also when I was 15 that my little brother had been looking at porn and had become very depressed. He saw himself falling in my dad's steps, and he wanted out...but he was also addicted. After looking at porn he'd feel so awful about himself, he became very very depressed and very very suicidal. Yet, he couldn't find strength to quit looking. After all I'd been through with my own family, It was hard to believe my husband had been looking at porn. He even said "it has nothing to do with our sex. Our sex is great. And you are great, you are beautiful, it has nothing to do with you. " But if you put yourself in a woman's shoes....how can she not take it personally. You try to get all beautifuled up every day for this man....we were having sex twice a week or more, something he suggested and I made priority because I loved him and wanted him satisfied sexually as well. Yet, he seeks out other bodies on the internet and lusts after them? Also, after he first told me, for months after that he claimed he hadn't looked again, and even accused me of being too paranoid so therefor, I might ruin the marriage. Yet, one day I snuck up his parents stairs as we were there late one night and he thought I was asleep...this was 6 months after he first told me, and I was scarred to see naked disgusting images on the screen. I have never shaken so hard. I fell to ground. MY stomach wouldn't stop churning. It was sick...it was so sick to me and so painful... those woman weren't me....it was so hurtful beyond description. And worst off, he'd been lying, of course, all those months when he said I was just "paranoid." Since then he's been working on his problem, but hasn't been honest with me completely, still! And though he distances himself from computers and we do not have internet, he will stop into bookstores when he should be working to look at magazines that have soft porn, like Maxim and Stuff. Many addicts lie about their problem so they can continue to feed the addiction. They become addicts and liars. Though we have worked on our relationship and things have improved a lot... there are still days I feel paranoid and worried of what else my husband may or may not lie about. I can't trust him or myself because my mind churns worrying about what he could be doing. This isn't what marriage is supposed to be. I don't believe my husband foresaw this happening either, this wasn't in either of our plans, yet many MANY marriages and relationships suffer this. Porn and addiction is sweeping over our society and the media lets it all in. Families and hearts are being torn to pieces. This is not a pity story for me - Goodness, my story is among THOUSANDS, if not MILLIONS. I've read many stories already. Its a scary, scary epidemic in our society, and it is truly ruining women - whether you are the naked woman in the picture, who has totally desensitized herself, or demeaned herself, or your the woman on the other side who's family and marriage is falling apart. Sad...sad......sad....I hope my marriage makes it. Thank God we haven't had kids yet. Labels: addiction, adultery, brothers, depression, devestation, distrust, divorce, emotional pain, everyone is affected, family, fathers, honesty, internet, lies, pornography, sexual addiction, spouse
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My story begins 4 1/2 years ago when I met my current boyfriend. He was 37 at the time, and married, and I was only 19. For whatever reason, being young and naive, I agreed to having an affair with him. Two months later, his wife found out and they subsequently got divorced. For 3 years, I didn't know he had a secret life. We had frequent arguments over anything and everything and I occasionally had thoughts of leaving him, but I always stayed. It wasn't until just over a year ago that I realized that he was turning to pornography every time he felt "rejected" by me. Last March I confronted him after realizing he was sending money orders via internet to women who would perform in front of a webcam for him. He denied everything and became upset that I would even think he would do such a thing. Two months later, I caught him again, doing the same thing, and he finally admitted to it. He said he had been "scared" before and was afraid I would leave if I knew that he had spent nearly $1,000 on these women. I was devastated and tried to leave, but for whatever reason, I decided to stay. In September, I caught him having erotic chats online and I moved out for a couple days. But for whatever reason, I returned and our relationship went right back to the way it was. He was convinced he had his addiction beat and he would do anything to keep me by his side. It only lasted a month...and I started realizing he was at it again--viewing porn and having erotic chats. I pretended I didn't know, pretended that I could ignore the problem...but 3 weeks ago I started packing my stuff. I couldn't take it anymore. He was viewing everything from bestiality, to incest, to pictures of young children in bathing suits. He told me that everything I had saw was just out of curiosity...but I don't believe him. Yes, I'm still here, but we are not "together" right now. I am seeking counseling to help me with my self-esteem issues and give me the courage to move on. Labels: addiction, adultery, pornography, prostitution, spouse, unfaithful
Please leave him. Leave and never look back. The fact that he was unfaithful to his wife coupled with how young you are and what he has looked at means he is very sick and not to be trusted. He is a danger to everyone he comes in cantact with. Call the authorities and turn over his computer to them if you feel strong enough. For your own well being sever all ties with him as soon as possible! Do not warn him - just get a plan together and follow it. This is not a person capable of being a full partner in a loving relationship. You are still young and there is lots of hope. Leave, take some time for yourself and wait for a while before you get into another relationship. When you get in another relationship look for someone who will give more to you, who is your age, someone interested in marrying you, and someone honorable, this guy obviously wasn't.
You need to heal so keep gettting help. Your self-esteem must be shot but you need to know that you are worth the work to get out of this situation. You prpbably feel some guilt for your involvement with him and the break up of his marriage. It was all bad but you were so young. He knew better.
Pray for strenghth. Through this experience you must realize that Satan is real. You need to trust that God is real too. Pray for stength, pray for guidence...it will come. Pray for peace and act in a way to help it come. May God bless you in this great time of need. He loves you and will help you. Trust those instincts He has given you.
Posted at
April 21, 2008 1:44 PM
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