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My husband's addiction began long before we ever met. He was exposed to pornography even before he reached puberty, and developed habits that became an addiction and grew as time went on. By the time he met me, my husband was an accomplished liar and very good at portraying himself as a "good boy". Click here to read the entire story...My husband's addiction began long before we ever met. He was exposed to pornography even before he reached puberty, and developed habits that became an addiction and grew as time went on.
By the time he met me, my husband was an accomplished liar and very good at portraying himself as a "good boy". I thought we shared the same values and beliefs and that he was everything I wanted in a husband. We were married in an LDS temple. However, he was living a double life. His addiction had developed into illegal activities - the risk involved was part of the high he craved. He was a "peeping tom" and even tried to make videos of women undressing in their homes.
After 7 years of marriage, my husband confessed to his pornography/masturbation addiction and the years of deception. The story came out in chunks, over several weeks. He was excommunicated from our church. It was like he had dropped a bomb on my head, I was completely devastated by all he told me.
How could I have been so utterly oblivious? I now understood so many things. The first few years of marriage, he would often turn down my sexual advances. (After we started having children I didn't notice it as much, since I was either pregnant or sleep-deprived!) I would notice that he acted upset or angry, yet he would say nothing was wrong. He would often stay up on the computer after I went to bed, saying it was for work or church or just to unwind. I call this "Round 1".
He was very remorseful and promised to change his life. He met with a therapist twice (what a joke!). I focused on trying to deal with the pain and trust him again. I didn't realize that although my husband had radically changed his behavior, he had not altered any of his thoughts, beliefs or desires. Without changing all the things going on in his head, it was only a matter of time before he would relapse.
Four years passed and we had our third child. We then moved across the country, back to my home state. This began "Round 2" - he relapsed in a big way. I became aware that he was viewing pornography again he acted very sorry. But as months went by, the same scenario kept repeating over and over. I would notice he was acting different and ask how he was doing. He would (unconvincingly) reassure me that he was fine. A day or two later, he would confess his latest "episode". But it would never be the whole story. A few more days, and he would reveal the rest of the story. I was always "waiting for the other shoe to drop"...waiting for the truth. He then became more blatant, getting on the computer while I was in the shower or even in another room for a few minutes. I felt like I couldn't leave the house when he was at home, because I knew he would take the opportunity to view online pornography. I started to get a glimpse of his thoughts and beliefs, and it was truly appalling. I could see no indication that his behavior was changing, and decided that I needed to leave him so he would realize the consequences of his actions. But I couldn't figure out the logistics of making it work - I had 3 kids (one was 7 months old) and no means of income.
A few months later, my husband began our church's Addiction Recovery Program. About halfway through the 12 steps, he finally realized how skewed his thinking was and started to make REAL change. After going to church and going through the motions his whole life, he finally put Jesus Christ in charge of his life. It has been about 7 months since he finished the ARP. Our communication is now very open and we periodically discuss "how he is doing". It is a daily struggle, but he is determined to not succumb. I am grateful that I had the strength to make it to this point. I feel like my husband has finally become the person I thought I married 12 years ago! Labels: addiction, children, communication, divorce, emotional pain, family, fathers, internet, lies, Success
Thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry for your years of pain. I sincerely hope that your happy ending sticks and that more of us can have such an ending to the porn phase of our marriage.
Posted at
June 25, 2008 5:05 PM
I am going thr the same thing please pray for me i am so scared
Posted at
June 26, 2008 4:27 PM
Best of wishes to all of you going through this process. No matter the outcome, never forget:
"You are creatures of divinity; you are daughters of the Almighty. Limitless is your opotential. Magnificent is your future."
Posted at
June 26, 2008 6:51 PM
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After fourty-two years, five children and thirteen grandchildren, I found myself in a loveless marriage. I went to the Lord in earnest prayer. From there I was lead to the computer where I found pornography. My world as I had known it died. I experienced the same emotions that I had when my fourteen month old son was run over and killed in our driveway. Shock, fear, anger, blame, depression and hopelessness. We separated and I thought my marriage had ended. My husband started counseling and invited me to come. I did go but the anger only got worse. I learn there that a person looses the ability to have natural feelings for another when suffering this addiction, and yes it is an addiction. I wondered if I would support my husband if this was about drugs. About a two months later my husband introduce to the "12 Steps" program our church is holding. They recieved permission from AA to use their steps with some changes to include the atonement of Jesus Christ. It is a meeting where I felt safe being able to relate my personal feelings without judgment. Unlike the counseling it was free. Soon we became facilitators and now are helping others through our example of success. The past six months we have been speaking in church meetings, telling our story in hopes of reaching others. Our marriage is better than I ever thought it would be. My love has grown as well as my trust. I have found there are two programs, an "I love you" program and "I trust you" program. The first is up to me but the second is up to him. Ponography is a disease and with the help of our Savior we do not need to travel this painful road alone. Labels: addiction, children, depression, devestation, emotional pain, family, fathers, Overcoming Addiction, Strengthening Our Marriage, Success
I am 21 years old,actualy i must congratulate you for amending this website becase it will some how help to eliminate this problem of ponographic addition.People dont see that ponography is causing alot of danger in our society,i hope this world could have many people like you who care alot about others.
Thank you!
Posted at
February 15, 2008 6:46 AM
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I am glad to find this website and to know that there is help and hope for families struggling with this problem. My introduction to this disease really began when our church sponsored a workshop on pornography and my husband of 13 years encouraged me to go. I took the information home and discussed it with him. The next day, following tips from the workshop, I performed a scan on our computer, not expecting anything but wanting to be sure, as we have an adolescent son. Of course, page after page of material turned up in the scan. I panicked at first, thinking of my son, but the times matched up to time my husband was alone in the house. I confronted my husband, and he confessed everything. He had been addicted to pornography for the past ten years. He was hoping I would catch him, because he was not strong enough to tell me himself. He was willing to do whatever it took to leave the addiction behind. We received help and counseling from our clergy, and we went through a twelve-step program on our own using a manual. I made two decisions early on that, I think, greatly increased our chances for success. First, I decided not to let my pride and hurt feelings get in the way of his recovery. It was not about me, and recognizing that made dealing with the whole thing easier. Second, I decided to be very confidential. Besides our clergy, I told only my father, who I turned to for advice and help throughout the ordeal. I did not tell my mother, my siblings, my neighbors, or my friends. I got the support I needed, but I did not burden others with an offence they might not be prepared to forgive. I did not damage my husband's reputation in the eyes of those he cares about. I love my husband, and I am profoundly in love with him. He has been restored, in my eyes, and I rarely think of the addiction that once horrified me. It has been three years today since I confronted him. The first year was very difficult, but also transformative. We weathered the storm together, and it has made us stronger. It has made me a better parent to my children, more compassionate and patient. It has opened my eyes to the danger can be in the lives of those we love, and to the mercy and power of God to heal us. I hope, if you are reading this, you will find the comfort and solace you are looking for in your life. It is such a private problem. There are times I long to tell people what a growth experience this has been for me, how I have changed, how it has made me better. But my loyalty to my husband keeps me from reaching out. I am glad to do this anonymously. There are complete success stories, you just don't hear about them. God loves you and your loved one and you both can find healing and peace. Labels: addiction, family, fathers, spouse, Strengthening Our Marriage, Success
Thank you so much for your story. Wow, you are such a strong woman. I completely relate to your feelings about wanting to reach out and share your story but not doing it because you are so loyal to your husband. I admire that greatly. Your story has already helped me as I'm sure it will many others. Thank you.
Posted at
January 25, 2008 4:19 PM
Once, I too believed in keeping my husband's addiction quiet and confidential out of loyalty to him and our marriage. I must say now, that nine years later, I did myself and my marriage a huge disservice. I cut out a support network for myself and I was dying inside. It shows on the outside. Within the last 7 months, all of my siblings have noticed something not quite right with my marriage and over half of them guessed it was a porn addiction in my husband. It does affect me in a huge and horrible way. I have been going to ARP (a women's group) through my church and there, I have found safety and peace. I know I am not alone, I am a good person, the Lord does love me and my efforts have been good. Having my family know, and his too, along with a few friends, has helped me immensely. I believe in the power of prayer and I feel strength from the prayers offered for me, my husband and my family. My husband can no longer turn his bad choices on me. He can no longer hide behind me. I no longer feel complete guilt and shame over his choices.My husband has thrived on the secrecy. I believe as a wife, you are the best judge of your husband's progress or lack of. I am finally facing the truth in my own marriage---I see the lack of light in my husband's eyes. I recognize the words that are mere words to calm me down and keep me around. My husband now questions whether he is even an addict. I now recognize the cycles he goes through and the lies that keep coming around. I call them lies because nothing has gotten better. Once I thought he would overcome this addiction and now I wonder if he's really hit rock bottom and really wants to.
I am happy for you. It's a wonderful thing to witness the Atonement bless someone's life.
Posted at
June 11, 2008 11:38 AM
Amen to comment #2. It took me several years to realize that I needed to talk to someone about my husbands addiction. I was losing my identity by hiding his problems. I couldn't be my real self because is was covering up for his addiction to protect him. I was not looking out for my own emotional health. This only dragged me down. I came to a point where I knew I could no longer hold in the secret I was carrying. I needed to talk with someone. His cycles were bringing me down.
Since I have communicated with family and very close friends, I have been able to recover my identity and realize that I can no longer "carry" my husband by hiding his addiction. He is the one responsible for his choices so he is the only one who can fix them. I can't. He has to do it! I feel free now that I won't/can't carry him anymore by 'helping' him hide it. This may sound harsh but it has helped relieve me of his burden.
Posted at
June 11, 2008 11:02 PM
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I found out my husband was planning to meet another woman when I came across the conversation they had over the internet. Until that time, I had no idea he had a problem with pornography! I knew that we were struggling in our relationship and in almost every aspect of our life, but I didn't know what was causing it. I thought it was me. I thought I must not be doing everything I needed to do, that I wasn't a good enough wife and mother. I prayed that I would know what I could do to make things better for my family, and within a week I found out what was really going on. My husband is addicted to sex, which started as an addiction to pornography at a very young age. That was almost two years ago. Even though I wanted to take my children and run, I decided to stay in the marriage and help him with his addiction. With the help of LDS family services, he attends group meetings weekly, and is making progress in his recovery. There is even a meeting for the spouses where I gain so much strength and hope, being surrounded by women who know how I feel and are dealing with the same struggles I face! Unfortunately, pornography addiction is so much more common than we want to believe, and there are so many people out there who are addicted, but don't want to admit it. It was really hard for my husband to admit his addiction, but it has opened the way for him to recover from it. It will probably take years to get over it completely, but I have seen him change spiritually, and our life is much richer now. Labels: family, internet, sexual addiction, Success, unfaithful
Thank you for mentioning LDS Family Services!! I know that the Addiction Recovery Program works and I am so thankful for it.
Posted at
January 22, 2008 1:30 PM
Thank You for sharing your story. I found these images on my computer as well. I confronted my husband . He didn't admit it at first. I convinced him that it couldn't be anybody else. He says he viewed it only occasionally. Should I believe him or is it more of a cover up? He does stay up late on the computer and I am not there with him. Do you recommend a good filter?
sincerely Hope
Posted at
January 23, 2008 10:05 PM
I am LDS too- our bishop has also referred us in the direction of LDS family services, and I wasn't sure if that would be a good place to go or not. I am glad to see a referral. Most of all, I am glad to read success stories. The failure stories are the ones most heard of, and I feel like leaving sometime not because things are "so bad" in our marriage right now, but for my fear that things will only get worse. Thank you for your success story that gives me hope and strength, and most of all, lets me know I am not alone.
Posted at
May 5, 2008 11:47 AM
I am LDS too- our bishop has also referred us in the direction of LDS family services, and I wasn't sure if that would be a good place to go or not. I am glad to see a referral. Most of all, I am glad to read success stories. The failure stories are the ones most heard of, and I feel like leaving sometime not because things are "so bad" in our marriage right now, but for my fear that things will only get worse. Thank you for your success story that gives me hope and strength, and most of all, lets me know I am not alone.
Posted at
May 5, 2008 11:47 AM
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About a year and a half ago I found out that my husband of seven years had been indulging in pornography off and on through out our marriage, some years much more then others. It was a secret that he had kept very well hidden from me... I was devastated... We had two kids, what was I going to do. The title's of some of the web sites I found horrified me. And not that long ago I had asked him directly about it since I knew that he had struggles as a youth and we had just found out about other family members being involved, he boldly denied that he had never even looked since we had been married... A blatant and bold face lie... I was so naive. But can I say a year later I know we are far from the end in this pornography riddled society, but things are so much better. HE is so much better! It took a lot of work, counselors, support groups, late night/all night “discussions”, fights, daily inventory, prayers, and prayers, pain and, I-tell-you-what, I went through a whole range of emotions, feelings even ideas that I would have NEVER anticipated which led to some situations that neither of us would ever have dreamt and hope to never repeat... But mostly it took a lot of love, forgiveness and repentance. It is very hard to forgive of this, but it is also very hard to admit and to change so we have had to work together. I am grateful that I have a husband who recognizes it as bad and realizes it is for the unsatisfiable demon that it is... I feel so bad for those who are suffering on both sides of not recognizing that. So my husband has been very good and has not looked since my discovery. Last year this time it was quite a struggle for him but now he says that it seems to be gone. But the thing that I love most is that he is so glad that it is gone. He has expressed to me how much better he feels and how grateful he is to not have that demon in his life. Now you might think that I have merely been lured into a false sense of security... But the thing is I have seen the change in him. We went through a lot of hell in our first seven years of marriage... IT SUCKED! Marriage is a big commitment to me, I am still very proud of the fact that I was a virgin until married. But we separated many times but I never could bring myself to break my commitment of marriage because to my knowledge I really didn’t have a good enough reason to, he was a jerk, but he wasn’t. There are so many things that made so much more sense after I found out about this “little problem” of his. I remember times in our marriage where I really struggled with what I knew about his pornography issues from before we had gotten married. I thought it was just me and that I wasn’t being forgiving enough, that it was my problem but as it turned out those were the times that he was indulging the most... Interesting... He was often very cold and apathetic, he had poor self esteem and these are just a few of the things but there were so many more. However, now I can truly say for the first time in 8 and ½ years that I Love my husband, not just because I love everyone, but because I really love who he really is. Once he took pornography out of his life he became a better person. He is more compassionate and sympathetic, he has more confidence, he is more pleasant to be around. His whole countenance has changed and not only do I love the change but he does to. And one of the most interesting things about it is that even our sex life is better. We are now a happier family on a more regular basis. I know that the battle is far from over but we are making progress and I am so grateful that my husband has been able to have a taste of life with out pornography because it truly is better! My heart goes out to all those who are working through this battle, stay strong and I love you for your efforts. Thank you so much for those of you involved in actually fighting the battle in the world... It is a daunting one but your cause is good! May I be able to help more as my own wounds heal! Labels: children, devestation, emotional pain, lies, Overcoming Addiction, Success
First of all lets call pornography what it is (SIN)!! Plain and simple..The only clause for divorce according to bible is fornication. You lose all respect for your spouse, and I belive it can never be earned back 100% completely. The brain records everything, those images can never be removed. It destroys marriages,families, and a society as a whole, don't be fooled. I could go on and on. I believe God through his precious Son Jesus Christ is able to heal any sin. I was molested as a young child by my Dad, and my Mom was told about it however looked the other way. In my own marriage, I to caught my husband looking at porn years ago, he denied it. I will NEVER trust another man in my life again, accept my beloved Son, who God has blessed with wisdom. Anyway I am still married to my husband and we just had a wedding anniversay 29 years. However its never been the same. Our sex life does not exist. I have very little respect for him. And yet after 20 years I have not caught him looking at porn, I am always thinking that he might be. My heartaches and tears fill my eyes, for any women who have to endure such pain and loss.
Posted at
January 17, 2008 8:15 PM
From one who has been there, I can say that one is never cured. Pornography is always lurking and one exposure to it can result in the addicted one regressing. However, armed with support from one's spouse, what was learned in therapy, and firm resolution from within the addict can head off a downward spiral. A year without viewing pornography is a milestone indeed. It is imperitive to always keep up your guard especially after one year, two years, five years and more. The vigilance is never ending.
Posted at
January 17, 2008 8:53 PM
Your story is almost exactly similar to mine. I know your struggles, I know your victories, I know your fears of repeating past behaviors, and I know how you are never 100% sure of the things he tells you. Pornagraphy brings such distrust and pain into a marriage. We need to fight to eliminate the accessiablity of this evil thing that is everywhere and anyone (minors) can find it! NOT Right!
Posted at
January 21, 2008 12:41 AM
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Once he took pornography out of his life he became a better person. He is more compassionate and sympathetic, he has more confidence, he is more pleasant to be around. His whole countenance has changed and not only do I love the change but he does to. And one of the most interesting things about it is that even our sex life is better. We are now a happier family on a more regular basis. I know that the battle is far from over but we are making progress and I am so grateful that my husband has been able to have a taste of life with out pornography because it truly is better! My heart goes out to all those who are working through this battle, stay strong and I love you for your efforts. Thank you so much for those of you involved in actually fighting the battle in the world... It is a daunting one but your cause is good! May I be able to help more as my own wounds heal! Labels: family, spouse, Success
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What's troubling is to see so many women react so negatively toward men who are addicted. What they don't realize is that addiction is mammoth. What addicts need is love and encouragement, not fear and loathing. The shame women cast on men with that addiction is so counter-productive. My husband has been addicted for 8 years. I work with him - and he has opened up to me without fear of anger or recrimination. I believe we'll have this beat before too long. Maybe some women can think twice before they leave their husbands because of their mental illness. If they're trying to overcome, we ought to lovingly help. Labels: addiction, divorce, Overcoming Addiction, Success
While I agree with you that our husbands will likely only be able to overcome with our love and support, I think wives need to have permission to be angry. They shouldn't STAY in that anger -- it will only continue to poison -- but I think there is so much of a feeling that it must be our fault, or that we shouldn't be angry, that we often stuff our feelings down until we feel like a shell.
I know that in the beginning, my anger came from feeling like I had been cheated of what I supposedly had been given: I had worked VERY hard to keep myself pure before marriage and thought I was marrying someone who was promising me the same. When I found out that he wasn't -- and the extent to which that wasn't the case -- I felt betrayed and cheated. And then, when my husband tried to introduce less-than-wholesome aspects into our intimate life, I felt even more so. I was angry that he was bringing filth into the home that I thought we were trying to hard to keep as a refuge from the world -- for our children's sake and our own.
That being said -- once I understood where his problems were coming from (abuse as a preteen, mostly) and could see that he genuinely wanted to get better, it was easier for me to forgive and focus on helping him. But, I needed time to be angry and to feel that that anger was valid.
My husband has been "sober" now for 2, 3 years (it's so wonderful that I honestly can't remember how long it's been) -- because we've worked together. Because he has forgiven himself and felt the Lord's forgiveness. Because neither one of us gave up.
Posted at
January 17, 2008 12:52 PM
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About 3 weeks ago, I caught my wedding ring on something and a part of it got bent. I remember thinking with relief, "Bent, not broken. This can be fixed." I find this extremely ironic as only a day or two afterward, I discovered that my husband had been looking at porn again and had been dishonest with me about it, even given the opportunity to come completely clean. The anguish I have been feeling flows through my body like the very poison that threatens to destroy him... About 4 years ago, I caught him the first time. There were a lot of emotions and promises, and I let myself believe that this betrayal would somehow go away. Every 6 months to a year, I would question him about it, and he would reassure me that though he wasn't perfect, the problem was in the past. My heart shattered as I learned that this was not really the case, and that he had lied to me. I was prepared to leave as I said I would, but he is working very hard at this relationship, and we have found a hope that we didn't know existed before. A friend of mine, who is in school studying the psychology of sexual addiction, suggested that we visit a website about sexual addiction. We found answers and help there that we had never seen before. While it is not easy, and I am struggling to make it from one day to the next right now, my husband is working harder at our relationship than he ever has in 10 years of marriage. He has committed to pay whatever price he has to for the proper therapy and is showing his commitment to me and our children every day. I have watched him shed many tears of remorse as he expresses to me that he is seeing how much this hurts me. He is even being honest about the little tiny things that don't really matter in life, and as long as I see that continue, I am willing to help him overcome this evil. While this has knocked the wind out of me, and the last three weeks have been an emotional roller coaster I wish I could just get off of, I do have hope...Yes, the pain is excruciating at times. Yes, the anger creeps into my heart. Yes, I am exhausted beyond description and yes, I am fighting to find my self worth again. That being said, I realize that as long as we are *both* willing to fight this demon we can overcome it. As I look at my wedding ring, I realize my marriage is only bent, not broken, and this can be fixed. I am not giving up without a fight. Labels: addiction, family, lies, Overcoming Addiction, Strengthening Our Marriage, Success
Thank you for sharing your trial and the insite of your marriage being bent not broken-it hits home. I know I need to work harder at remembering this and find a way to fall in love again with my husband.
Posted at
January 17, 2008 12:14 PM
Look up emofree.com It works with porn addiction!!! and healing!!! My heart & prayers are with you!!!
Posted at
January 17, 2008 11:43 PM
I hope that you will be able to feel, one day that your worth never depends on somebody's actions - even if you love them. Your worth never alters, no matter what others do. That will ALWAYS be TRUE.
Posted at
May 2, 2008 5:47 PM
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Wow, a place to in a sense, speak out loud about something that has been kept so secret for so long. I have never felt that it was my place to "air my husband's dirty laundry." But for so many years I felt so alone with the pain it created in my heart and in our marriage. I found out 5 years into our marriage that my husband was addicted to pronography. We are now 16 years into our marriage. I have watched him struggle with this and grow and become stronger. I felt that for so long it had something to do with me. It doesn't. I know that now. I can separate our relationship from his addiction. He has choices to make in his life. He chooses his future with me and our 6 children. He continues to make that choice everday that he avoids the temptation. The day that he chooses that evil over our life is the day that our marriage will end. He has moments of weakness, as we all do in some respect. But his goals and desire is us. I love him for all his efforts, I will owe him forever. I hope he continues to love me more then the addiction. I know there always has to be a guard around him. That will never change. Labels: depression, emotional pain, honesty, Strengthening Our Marriage, Success
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I am dating someone who is fighting an addiction to pornography that developed during childhood. Luckily he has targeted it as a problem and realizes he needs to overcome it in order to view women respectfully and experience healthy love. In the meantime, we are being sure to live chastely so that the poison doesn't manifest itself in our relationship. He communicates honestly about it with me, and is slowly but surely becoming stronger in resisting the temptations. I have faith we will have a pornography-free relationship one day so that we can value each other for our true worth in marriage. Labels: communication, honesty, Success
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I found out after many years of marriage, that my husband had a problem with pornography. It felt like someone had pulled the rug out from under my feet. I have turned to God for strength, and He has helped both of us as we fight this battle together. Labels: spouse, Success
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I spent most of my adult years in denial knowing that my husband was sorely addicted with pornogaphy. But was determined to somehow effect a change. We counseled together, read alot, prayed together and provided a path to overcome the serious plague in our lives. Our children could sense the tension but we did not reveal the source to them. Eventually, my husband found his way back to me. Our love is stronger for overcoming this disease.
Labels: Overcoming Addiction, Strengthening Our Marriage, Success
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