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I am a 53 year old woman who is on her fourth marriage. I have been married for eight years. I had four children at home and thought I had met my prince charming, finally. I now only have one son who is seventeen. I confronted my husband about pornography and masturbation two years ago. I don't know, it just came out of me. He did not deny it and said he felt guilty. He would always want me to do things that didn't quite feel right. We separated for about six weeks. As this was not my first marriage and I loved him - I told him I did not want a divorce. He said he would "try" harder not to go there. But time after time he would return. I am a 53 year old woman who is on her fourth marriage. I have been married for eight years. I had four children at home and thought I had met my prince charming, finally. I now only have one son who is seventeen.
I confronted my husband about pornography and masturbation two years ago. I don't know, it just came out of me. He did not deny it and said he felt guilty. He would always want me to do things that didn't quite feel right. We separated for about six weeks. As this was not my first marriage and I loved him - I told him I did not want a divorce. He said he would "try" harder not to go there. But time after time he would return.
In the last 3-6 months I have been closer emotionally and intimately with him. Things have changed a little for the better in some areas. I know pornography is an intimacy issue for them. My husband was horribly abused as a child and forced to do awful things. I am a Christian woman so I decided to turn it over to God. In some of our intimate talks he has stated he did not know "why" he does it. He did do some counseling (about 6 sessions). They informed him of how devastating this is to your wife and family. I have seen him be in his own world - like he is not present in the moment and can also be very grumpy.
He has changed a lot but after two years and broken promises he has not "CHOSEN" to deal with this problem and when the stresses of life become to difficult that is where he goes - to fantasy. Recently I gave him an ultimatum. It was me or "IT". He moved out.
I cried for three days. My clergy said not to give up hope - as he had come in to discuss the problem with him. He told me he said he knew he needed to deal with the problem. That was about a week ago. He came back just a few days later needing sex and stayed.
I feel like the crazy one because I just don't know what to do. Today I told him this was not what I signed up for. He spent the day with himself (which is how they cope with the shame and the guilt) and said he felt obligated to come home and spend some time with me.
Last evening he told me "he was messed up" and wanted to talk to me but when he came home there was no talking. He looked exhausted and just went to sleep. It is hell for them too if they have a conscious. I told him I deserved better and not to do me any favors. He should want to be with me no matter what. I told him my life was a living hell with him. I don't sleep. This drives me crazy. I appreciate someone else's story as I know what they have gone through and their is hope in the future for me and my life. Labels: addiction, communication, distrust, divorce, emotional pain, pornography, sexual abuse
Thank you for sharing your story. It is so brave and helpful of you. There are so many of us who hurt and it helps to feel that we are not alone. I am so sorry for your pain. I admire your commitment to your marriage. I hope it is rewarded with a happy ending. However it goes I hope you know that his problem is not about you and it is not something that you can fix. That is entirely up to him. I hope for the happiness of you both that he will be able to have a complete and full change of heart. May God speak peace to your heart and sustain you at this time.
Posted at
July 24, 2008 12:31 AM
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My husband is a sex addicted. I discovered his addiction nine months ago. I was checking our account I found out a big transfer of money to our credit card. I was curious about it. There were several purchases on the credit card to a Spa service. It was by my house and I went down there to check out about the place and why my husband paid $200 dollars just two days previously. (read the rest of the story... click here)My husband is a sex addicted. I discovered his addiction nine months ago. I was checking our account I found out a big transfer of money to our credit card. I was curious about it. There were several purchases on the credit card to a Spa service. It was by my house and I went down there to check out about the place and why my husband paid $200 dollars just two days previously.
My heart was broken in millions of pieces, when I saw the girl that worked at the place. I was devastated to talk to them. They told me my husband was a regular customer for parlor massages. I looked all over my house but found nothing. No magazines, no other evidence.
After a check of the computer I found it was in full of porn. I called my husband to confront him, he didn't deny it, he told me the truth. He had been paying for prostitutes for three years. It was so painful that almost left him on the spot.
He promised he would look for help and is seeing a therapist and is involved in a 12 step recovery program for sex addicts. On his own word he has been "sober" since that day.
It is been hard for me and my child. He is doing well not to look at the computer at home. But my thoughts about his betrayal, that he slept with numerous girls during those three years is killing my love for him. He says he will not do it again he will be faithful to me and be a great dad. But my trust is gone, because he acts like nothing happened. He said to me "you can leave the past in the past and enjoy the present".
I do not how to deal with my pain, I’m doing everything for my baby because I grew up in house with out a father I don’t one my son to grow up with out one. I’m scared because we have to move to different country and I’m not sure that he will really change. I don’t what to do? Do I leave with him or get divorce and continue my life alon? Labels: addiction, adultery, children, depression, distrust, divorce, emotional pain, fathers, financial, internet, lies, pornography, prostitution, sexual addiction, unfaithful, young mothers
Wow, what a tough situation. You have to do what you really feel deep down will be best. If I were in your situation though, I don't think I'd trust him enough to leave the country with him, especially since he seems to show no remorse for his actions. You can raise your baby to be happy and nurtured as a single mom. Many women do it.
Like I said, look deep down and decide if you still love and can trust him anymore. God bless you, I hope everything will turn out well.
Posted at
July 9, 2008 9:51 AM
I was involved in a similar situation. I chose to stay with him for several years. I found that he never changed his ways, he just became more secretive. He would keep assuring me that there were, "no more secrets."
Finally, after years of punishing myself in this situation, I gained the strength to make him leave. I got myself checked for STD's and started taking care of myself because I had spent every waking hour fully financially supporting him (and his addiction, it turns out) and worrying myself.
Four years later, I find myself quite happy. I took an entire year off from dating any man, as I needed time for myself and I needed to get my head on straight so I would have the confidence to make an appropriate decision in another husband.
Well, I have found him. I can not tell you the blessings I have had in my life with an honest, clean man. We are very open with each other, and he treats me like a queen. I know by how he looks at me, and treats me that he truely loves me (that wasn't the case before). Marriage is never without its trials, but they are so much easier if both partners value faithfullness.
It was hard to end the marriage at first, because I did not have the self esteem, but it was well worth it! I have taken all that worry time, traveled the world, and I am now venturing on a new degree!
Life is never withouth trials, but it is a whole lot of fun if you have a loyal, loving, partner!
In fact, last week, after speaking at a public event, somebody in the community (who knew my x and I) told my father how impressed he was with how I turned out dispite the terrible things that had happened to me. I take pride in working hard to get to this point. I am respected, and I deserve it. You and your child deserve it too.
Posted at
July 9, 2008 11:06 AM
I am so sorry for how your husband has betrayed you. He should be sorry too. If he is not, that may be part of your answer. Have you explained your feelings? You need him to know how he has hurt you. This pain will not go away for a long time if you stay with him. It will be painful if you leave too. I am not saying you should leave or stay...only you can decide that, but if you stay his very presence will tear at your heart. If he cares about you or is sorry he should respect that and feel horrible .
Is there any way you could stay where you are or near friends and family with the baby while he leaves? You will need a lot of support at a time like this. Do you have any? Leaving your friends and loved ones now will put you in an even more vulnerable position. You are important and so are your feelings. How do you want your son's Mother to be treated? May God bless you with strength of conviction and peace of mind. I pray that you will see your own incredible value as a Mother, as a woman, and as a child of God.
Posted at
July 9, 2008 11:16 AM
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I met my now husband when I was only 14. I was a virgin and he is the only man I have ever known. I have been faithful for 25 years. I learned about sex from him and always trusted him. For years he has accused me of cheating and doing horrible things. 22 years into our marriage I saw a Maury show where they took lie detector test to prove they had been faithful. I arranged to take the test from an ex-FBI examiner to put an end to his paranoid accusations. I took the test and went through disgusting questions that were a violation of my private life. Of course I passed the test with flying colors. I did this for his happiness to prove my loyalty. I was wrong. ( read the entire entry... click here) I met my now husband when I was only 14. I was a virgin and he is the only man I have ever known. I have been faithful for 25 years. I learned about sex from him and always trusted him.
For years he has accused me of cheating and doing horrible things. 22 years into our marriage I saw a Maury show where they took lie detector test to prove they had been faithful. I arranged to take the test from an ex-FBI examiner to put an end to his paranoid accusations. I took the test and went through disgusting questions that were a violation of my private life. Of course I passed the test with flying colors. I did this for his happiness to prove my loyalty.
After innocently looking through our storage building, I found loads of pornography with titles like "tasty little teens". I was devastated and then it all made sense to me how I was subjected to the accusations he was making. It was because of HIS own dirty mind that he could come up with these horrible things I was doing.
I didn't know what to do at first and I didn't confront him. I just watched his behavior and found him spending countless hours in the tool shed and last minute"I don't feel like going" to my daughters school functions. He would make big plans with us and then back out at the very last minute to stay home.
Finally, I lost it and confronted him. Of course, he promised to quit and threw it all away. I've caught him accidentally a hundred times since then and now he gets angry and says hes a grown man he should be able to look. I don't stop him but he still hides it and lies.
The thing is he's changed the way I see him. I used to think he was my light and the most wonderful man even though he accused me a lot. I thought that was just low self worth. I wish I could see him the way I used to but I cant and that's the real shame. Now I think 'dirty old man" or pervert.
I cant make love to him without thinking about my disgust for him. It is almost like rape because I don't want him to touch me and now I find myself longing for another man. This is what he has done. I hope other men read this and heed their wives warning the first time. Its too late for us. Just keep in mind she can love you for pure quality and you can ruin that and there is no getting back innocence you thought you shared. Labels: addiction, depression, devestation, distrust, emotional pain, fathers, pornography
I am sorry for how your many years in this relationship have turned out. You deserved better. You need to do what is best for you now. If he is unwilling to change what can you do? While I am sure his self esteem is low, I would imagine yours is too. ( And both of these problems are his fault). Look at the humilitions you have endured for him already. He has had the nerve to accuse you?
What would you want your daughter to do in a similar situation? Every woman deserves to be the only woman involved in her & her husband's love life. If he is unwilling to look to you and only you for his sexual pleasure, he is being unfaithful to you.
I am not saying your marriage cannot be saved, but he needs to be willing to change and if he wont you have the right to be treated with honesty and respect. Good luck. I pray that your future will be happier than your past.
Posted at
July 9, 2008 11:27 AM
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I've known my husband since high school when we were in the ROTC together. We started dating just two days after meeting. He had the most beautiful smile. It was literally love at first sight. He treated me like a queen. Years later, after having had to move due to my dad's job, I came back to town we started dating again and got married. We were 20 years old. My marriage shortly after came tumbling down and fast. My heart felt shipwrecked still is and I feel so alone. He started the porn during the first 5 to 6 months of our marriage. Right after I had a miscarriage. I was so angry and upset as I had found his history of pornography on the computer THE VERY DAY WE LOST OUR CHILD!! ( click here to read the entire story) I've known my husband since high school when we were in the ROTC together. We started dating just two days after meeting. He had the most beautiful smile. It was literally love at first sight. He treated me like a queen.
Years later, after having had to move due to my dad's job, I came back to town we started dating again and got married. We were 20 years old. My marriage shortly after came tumbling down and fast. My heart felt shipwrecked still is and I feel so alone.
He started the porn during the first 5 to 6 months of our marriage. Right after I had a miscarriage. I was so angry and upset as I had found his history of pornography on the computer THE VERY DAY WE LOST OUR CHILD!!
Promises promises broken broken weeks to months to years of false promises lies, betrayal. He was addicted to all kinds of pornography like hentai, japanese anime cartoons having sex (I never even knew that existed!!). Not long after I confronted him. Then the abuse started.
I was eight months pregnant with our daughter when I told him I wanted the pornography out of our house! He grew furious and drug me across the floor with a trash bag in my hand and forced me to throw them away as he said he wasn't going to do it himself. I got slapped, pushed, shook.
I was so scared for my child I just knew I was going to miscarry. This abuse continued off and on for over a year or two. Even after my daughter was born. I remember he'd chase after us once and I locked her and myself up in our bedroom as he punched the door open like freaking Jack Nicholson with his axe in the Shining.
It was then that I realized my husband had a real problem pornography that was making him violent, angry, and controlling. I thought, this was not the man I married... but he was, I just never knew it.
We had agreed before we married that there would be no pornography in our marriage and no abuse as I told him I'd never marry a man whom treated a woman with such disrespect. I was wrong. So wrong, so dumb. I felt like a dog, a loser. The man that had sworn to protect me to honor me and love me was abusing me.
Then he would tell me that I wanted TOO MUCH SEX!! What? A husband complaining that his wife wanted to much sex? Months would go by when I realized it was he that wanted too much sex. But just not with me. There was even an incident where I was with my two year old daughter and caught him in the parking lot masturbating.
The last incident I came home after buying his birthday gift. He had got around the parent control system I'd set up and watched videos of lesbians while my two year old was up and HOME WITH HIM. She was taking a bath while he was doing this!
I was so angry. Worse, I found out that he'd been doing this for two weeks maybe more with me sitting right next to him or while I was working out in the very same room. Only two feet away from me and he was looking at this. I want to leave but then don't it's so hard we have two little girls.
He has not abused me in 4 years, but the porn continues. I'm falling apart. Feel so alone. So ugly I find myself making myself sick from working out so hard now and not eating. I never thought I was fat or ugly until the porn images in my head. I know I'm not suppose to blame myself and to know it isn't my fault. But I can't help it. He does this knowing I'll leave him for it.
He's made blood oaths. He's got down on his hands and knees and begs me to stay. Though he always goes back to pornography, promise after promise. I feel mocked as he does this when I told him how it makes me feel less of a woman. I feel cheated on every time.
I want my life back to be myself again to be happy and prideful of my husband but how can I be if I can't trust a word that comes from his mouth. The irony is I asked him how he would feel if I was like these girls that put themselves on the internet. He said he'd leave me if I ever did that. What is the difference? Why is it OK for other women but not his own wife? Why is it hot and sexy for them but I dare not go out even in a gown on my front porch without seemingly being a slut though secretly he is attracted to these kind of women.
He's also admitted that if I looked at other naked guys he'd feel the same why as me? REALLY? Then why keep doing me this way why risk losing everything you have for minutes of pleasure compared to a lifetime of joy of knowing you have a wife and kids that love you more than anything in this world.
I've always been able to pick myself up from this to believe I don't deserve this that I am better than this and etc etc. But now? After 6 years of lies, betrayal so many bad memories erasing the good? I know men and some women that don't consider pornography wrong or cheating. But I ask how is it not? Your imagining sex with someone other than your spouse. At times you choose it over your spouse. It causes self esteems to be crushed, broken families, depression. Not to mention it makes the most sincere, sweetest men into total pigs, violent, controlling.
This was really hard to write and I'm at a loss. I know I'm not the only woman out there suffering day by day but at times it feels like it. Any woman going through this knows entirely what I mean... My heart and prayers for you all as I live this every day.
The most I fear for is my children through this all. What is it showing them? And if I leave I'm breaking my family apart taking them away from their daddy. But if I stay will he ever ever do as he says? Or will I stay only to realize I'm just making things worse by staying for myself and my kids and even for him? I'm I sitting myself up again to get hurt by the man I've known nearly half my life as my best friend, lover and now husband and father of my beautiful girls. This is what goes through my mind constantly every day.
Supposedly, he went two years with no porn at all!. Just 2 weeks ago was the incident with him on the computer and my daughter in the bathtub! I've got to put my kids first and him last... And that is my choice it is how it should be. As he is not my responsibility but they are and they are my world. Labels: addiction, adultery, children, depression, distrust, divorce, fathers, internet, physical abuse, pornography, sexual abuse
I am so sorry that you have gone through so much heartache. You are not alone. I have no answers for you but I want you to know that your reaction to pornography is the right one. It is poison that is killing everything it touches.
While most of our culture sits around blind to what Porn is doing to us a few of us are waking up to the horror. Pornography has done so much damage to women. We are putting all of our self worth in the basket that is filled by how attractive we are to others. And who could blame us? How many women are going through painful surgeries, starving themselves and worse just to look right for some looser in love with touched up fake women on line?
Our husbands views of women is a terrible message to your daughters, to mine, and to you and me. Here we are, there are no easy answers but you are right to protect your daughters and you are right try to live a life as far away as you can get from porn. Good luck, God Bless you and do what you need to protect your daughters. In my case it means staying...Be careful and if he hurts you again, please get away from him and turn him in. You deserve to be safe and your daughters should never see their mother treated so badly.
Posted at
June 25, 2008 4:55 PM
I am so sorry for what you've gone through. I experienced some of the same, but from the view that your children will. My father was addicted to porn, and he molested my sister and I, and beat my brothers all the time. It tore us apart as kids. We were actually really glad when my mom finally was able to kick my "father" out for good. I haven't had any contact with him since the divorce 10 years ago, and that is my choice. I will do everything I have to do to protect my daughters from that monster. I encourage you to get away from your husband. If the pornography isn't enough, the physical abuse should be. He sounds really violent. I really think it would be better for your children in the long run. I've gone through a lot of counseling to get over the things I experienced growing up, and I am glad I've been able to work through them. The longer that your children are exposed to his violence the more it will impact them. For now, I really suggest that you try not to leave your kids alone with him. You don't want them to become victims at his hands. Good luck, and may the Lord help you through this.
Posted at
June 25, 2008 6:34 PM
I have deep sympathy for you and your children (the miscarriage also). I would like to gently bring something to your attention. You stated in your article that he has not abused you for 4 years - then you go on to say that you feel poorly about yourself.....
I have been in this situation also. Not until years later, after separating myself from him and surrounding myself with people who thought highly of me, did I regain my self esteem. The reason that you feel so bad is NOT because of you or any of your decisions or any of your actions. You are still being severely emotionally abused. We women of porn-addictive spouses develop a lot of ways that allow us to continue to be abused.
I do not know if you believe in a higher being (or if you are religious)but, this quote helped me understand something that I didn't understand while in a porn-infested relationship. This is regarding women/girls: "There has come to you as your birthright something beautiful and sacred and divine. Never forget that. Your Eternal Father is the great Master of the universe. He rules over all, but He also will listen to your prayers as His daughter and hear you as you speak with Him. He will answer your prayers. He will not leave you alone."
If you have any religious belief in a higher being that can help you know what to do..... pray, meditate, and have the courage to do what is right. That higher being does not want women to be abused, used, neglected, or sad. That higher being will help you have the strength to help yourself and your children. If you don't have confidence in yourself, have confidence in that higher being to escort you out of the darkness of pornography into a fun, happy, and exciting life. My life is full of beauty and blessings after four years of recovering from the abuse. (Not easy, but well-worth it).
Posted at
June 26, 2008 6:42 PM
I'm very sorry for this torture that you are enduring. Pornography is such a poison, and has hurt so many families, mine included. I can relate to your hurt and disgust.
I've been attending a support group, it's put on by my church, but there are others there that go to SANON meetings. It's like ALANON. It's specifically for sex addicts families, spouses. I've found it IMMENSELY HELPFUL.
Posted at
June 27, 2008 12:58 AM
I want my life back too. My husband has never been violent with me. But I found out 3 weeks ago about his porn addiction that had been going on for at least 10 months. He started just days after our 2nd wedding anniversary.He would do it while I was at work, he was supposed to be watching our son, instead he would spend hours looking at porn on-line.
We have talked and he says he is insecure with himself and that he was doing it so he could last longer with me. This makes no sense to me. I realized when I found out about his problem that was why I no longer enjoyed sex with him and explained why I felt like he was just having sex with me to have sex, instead of making love to me like he used to.
I also know that I cannot blame myself. I still feel alone and betrayed, after all looking at other women is not being faithful to me his wife. The way I see it is that he broke his wedding vows. I am lost and do not know how to get over this pain and lonliness or how to trust him. I know he is trying to make me feel loved, but he over looks the liitle things like an extra hug or the focus on me. He does the things I ask him to I feel I should not have to tell my husband how to show me he loves me. Just yesterday he told me that the simple things I need to see him do to show his love are not that simple. I don't know what to think of that just that comment crushed any hope I had for him.
Before we got married we promised to never get divorced and I know we will get through this and be stronger but I feel like he takes me for granted and I don't know how to get over that I feel like he has torn our family apart.
Posted at
June 27, 2008 5:23 PM
I feel so terrible for you. My husband also is addicted to porn and will do anything to watch it. he has bought dvd recorders, gotten new cable boxes, and anything else he can do to watch it. I didn't have a horrible problem with it until I found a tape he had made without my knowledge. Not only was I on there but most of the tape was me unconcious while he was raping and sodimizing me. It is horrible. Like you I know my husband is not this person (or at least I thought so.) I want to leave but I don't know how. I wish that men could never hurt women like they do.
Posted at
June 28, 2008 8:09 PM
I know what you are going through.I am there with you.I do consider porn a form of adultry.I have fought the urge to leave for years.I have starved myself and cried myself to sleep.He has promised to give it up anf threw it away and I slowly go back to trusting him but not anymore.I will never trust him and now I just believe no matter what he says that he watches porn.It has ruined our sex life but most of all it changed how I look at him.He gets angry too when he is caught and tries to change it around on me and now there is resentment not because he looks at porn but because its the only thing I have ever asked him to give up for me and he cant do it.I have give up anything he has ever asked not because it was wrong but because it was important to him as a a show of undying love.I cant do that anymore and that is a shame .Now i ignore his whining about what I do and just continue .I dont see us together in the future.i try to picture it wihtout him.I am only still with him until my daughter leaves for college and I can get things in order.I know some would view this as wrong but I have to do it this way for my sanity.He becomes overwhelmingly controlling if he thinks I havent let it go.I dont know if you can get your life back the way you knew it.You can accept the changes and make a new life or find the life you want for yourself.My husband thinks there is nothing wrong with it and I am wrong for trying to control what a 50 yr. old man views but as with you he controls everything I wear in public and I believe his perverted ideas are because of porn.I am not an addict and will no longer let someone elses addiction control my world.
Posted at
July 7, 2008 11:23 AM
I understand how it hurts and the same thing happened to me and I could not ever get my trust back again.It hurts and you hope he will stop but most likely he wont.I took my 7 year old daughter and left.I am much happier now and have met a wonderful man who respects me and treats us like we should be treated.Porn is a way of cheating allthough many women enjoy it,as well,I find it nasty and sick.I love sex but have always been strong on my dislike for porn or magazines.Just remember you should never be jealous because they are phony and airbrushed and made up and you are real and what this whole porn issue is,is disrespect not jealousy.He is a cheater and you are better then that.Good luck and I will pray for your strength young lady.
Posted at
July 8, 2008 12:47 AM
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My husband's addiction began long before we ever met. He was exposed to pornography even before he reached puberty, and developed habits that became an addiction and grew as time went on. By the time he met me, my husband was an accomplished liar and very good at portraying himself as a "good boy". Click here to read the entire story...My husband's addiction began long before we ever met. He was exposed to pornography even before he reached puberty, and developed habits that became an addiction and grew as time went on.
By the time he met me, my husband was an accomplished liar and very good at portraying himself as a "good boy". I thought we shared the same values and beliefs and that he was everything I wanted in a husband. We were married in an LDS temple. However, he was living a double life. His addiction had developed into illegal activities - the risk involved was part of the high he craved. He was a "peeping tom" and even tried to make videos of women undressing in their homes.
After 7 years of marriage, my husband confessed to his pornography/masturbation addiction and the years of deception. The story came out in chunks, over several weeks. He was excommunicated from our church. It was like he had dropped a bomb on my head, I was completely devastated by all he told me.
How could I have been so utterly oblivious? I now understood so many things. The first few years of marriage, he would often turn down my sexual advances. (After we started having children I didn't notice it as much, since I was either pregnant or sleep-deprived!) I would notice that he acted upset or angry, yet he would say nothing was wrong. He would often stay up on the computer after I went to bed, saying it was for work or church or just to unwind. I call this "Round 1".
He was very remorseful and promised to change his life. He met with a therapist twice (what a joke!). I focused on trying to deal with the pain and trust him again. I didn't realize that although my husband had radically changed his behavior, he had not altered any of his thoughts, beliefs or desires. Without changing all the things going on in his head, it was only a matter of time before he would relapse.
Four years passed and we had our third child. We then moved across the country, back to my home state. This began "Round 2" - he relapsed in a big way. I became aware that he was viewing pornography again he acted very sorry. But as months went by, the same scenario kept repeating over and over. I would notice he was acting different and ask how he was doing. He would (unconvincingly) reassure me that he was fine. A day or two later, he would confess his latest "episode". But it would never be the whole story. A few more days, and he would reveal the rest of the story. I was always "waiting for the other shoe to drop"...waiting for the truth. He then became more blatant, getting on the computer while I was in the shower or even in another room for a few minutes. I felt like I couldn't leave the house when he was at home, because I knew he would take the opportunity to view online pornography. I started to get a glimpse of his thoughts and beliefs, and it was truly appalling. I could see no indication that his behavior was changing, and decided that I needed to leave him so he would realize the consequences of his actions. But I couldn't figure out the logistics of making it work - I had 3 kids (one was 7 months old) and no means of income.
A few months later, my husband began our church's Addiction Recovery Program. About halfway through the 12 steps, he finally realized how skewed his thinking was and started to make REAL change. After going to church and going through the motions his whole life, he finally put Jesus Christ in charge of his life. It has been about 7 months since he finished the ARP. Our communication is now very open and we periodically discuss "how he is doing". It is a daily struggle, but he is determined to not succumb. I am grateful that I had the strength to make it to this point. I feel like my husband has finally become the person I thought I married 12 years ago! Labels: addiction, children, communication, divorce, emotional pain, family, fathers, internet, lies, Success
Thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry for your years of pain. I sincerely hope that your happy ending sticks and that more of us can have such an ending to the porn phase of our marriage.
Posted at
June 25, 2008 5:05 PM
I am going thr the same thing please pray for me i am so scared
Posted at
June 26, 2008 4:27 PM
Best of wishes to all of you going through this process. No matter the outcome, never forget:
"You are creatures of divinity; you are daughters of the Almighty. Limitless is your opotential. Magnificent is your future."
Posted at
June 26, 2008 6:51 PM
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I met my husband in college and after we had known each other for about three years, we decided to get married. I thought I was marrying someone just like me, a goodie-goodie. Our marriage wasn't as wonderful as I had expected, but it wasn't terrible either. I soon realized that this family I married into was very different from my family... Click here to read the entire story...I met my husband in college and after we had known each other for about three years, we decided to get married. I thought I was marrying someone just like me, a goodie-goodie. Our marriage wasn't as wonderful as I had expected, but it wasn't terrible either. I soon realized that this family I married into was very different from my family.
My first impressions of his parents were that they seemed nice, but very quiet. I then noticed his parents took on what we would call traditional roles, where his father ran the farm and his mother took care of the house and the children. At first I didn't see anything wrong with it, until I noticed that she was expected to help with the farm when things got busy, but he NEVER lifted a finger to help her with the house or kids. I also noticed his mother waited on his father hand and foot, and obeyed every command he gave.
But I felt we were different and that my husband wasn't a tyrant like his father and I wasn't a slave like his mother. But at the time, I didn't realize how much damage had already been done. That a family system like his was breeding grounds for addictions. And that these addictions were well into place before he ever met me.
After we had been married for about 12 years is when I first noticed some major changes in him. We had just put our house on the market when he started to not feel well. He refused to see a doctor, so the responsibilities of having the house and the yard ready to show, fell on my shoulders. At the same time, we had been trying to get pregnant with our fourth child for over a year. The stress was getting to me, but by the end of the summer our house sold, he got better, and I got pregnant!
I thought things would only get better. They only got worse. Shortly after our move things got really busy with his work. He started working longer hours and would even stay all night on many occasions. And the few evenings he did come home, he would stay in the basement claiming he had work to do. I would beg him to hire someone else at work, but he would only chew me out. He then started to get sick again and would still refuse to see the doctor, and once again he would tell me to leave him alone. At this time I was 8 months pregnant, and we had hardly seen him in the last 5 months. I felt like a single parent.
After the baby was born, his behavior got even stranger. By then, I was fed up with him never being home, so I called the manager and asked why nothing had been done to improve this. He said he didn't know why he ALWAYS worked late. He could understand some nights, but every night? They did hire someone else, but he claimed the work load only got bigger, so the late nights continued. He also continued to be sick with weird symptoms and still refused to see a doctor. All he said was he never got enough time to himself, and that so much was expected of him. A whole week would easily go by without him seeing me or the kids. Even on Sundays we wouldn't see him, because his church calling would have him attend a different building for church, and then he would leave from there to go to work. I didn't know what to do.
Another six months went by, and I continued to function as a single parent. The very few hours he was at home he was either asleep or in the basement and did not want to be disturbed. Every time I tried to approach him about him abandoning us or his continuing illness, I would get the same lecture that he was too stressed and tired and to leave him alone. He showed no concern for me or the kids and continued to only get sicker. I finally decided he wasn't a part of our life and that I was indeed a single parent. That was how I survived.
On New Year's day 2007, he got ill enough that he finally decided he had to see a doctor. They immediately admitted him to the hospital and diagnosed him with PCP, a form of pneumonia. I thought finally! Now they can give him meds, get him better and things will now improve. Well of course, things only got worse. He then told me PCP is only found in people with HIV.
How could this be? I then asked how did you get HIV? All he said was I don't know and you have to be tested too. In extreme shock, I went to be tested which thankfully turned out to be negative. The doctors promised me my kids would be negative too, but that didn't make the pain and shock any less. What happened to my innocent life?
I couldn't believe he would sit there and tell the doctors he had no idea how he got HIV. These were the people who were trying to save his life! Who is this person I am married to? I think he truly thought he was fooling us, but anyone with half a brain knows how you get it and how you don't! Once the actual blood counts came back, he was then diagnosed with AIDS. (cd4 count of 20.)
I then decided I would be a kind supportive wife through this tragedy in hopes that he would confess to me. He was in out of the hospital over the next month, with me running back and forth with four kids. It then took him another two months to get any energy back and to get used to the "cocktail". I was the one who took care of him at home, thinking I was doing what was right. I thought for sure once he was feeling better he would apologize for the way he had treated us, thank me for all I had done, and humbly confess. I got none of that.
Once he got his strength back and started going back to work, the long hours came back too. Furious, I tried several times to talk to him about it, but he would just avoid me or leave the conversation. Finally, after months of living this nightmare again, I decided I had to take things into my own hands. I had refused to do this before, because I had promised myself that I would never become a snoop. I had wanted to be a trusting person, but since he would not confess and with things only getting worse, I decided I had to do it. I was scared of what I would find and even more scared of what if he found out.
I had noticed over the past year that he had started carrying a backpack around with him. He claimed he needed it for his gym clothes so he could go exercise while he was at work. He always took it with him, no matter where he was going. When he was at home, he would store it downstairs under his desk. One night while he was working in the garage, I decided to check there first. That was the first and last place I needed to check.
The backpack was stuffed full of gym clothes as he claimed, but I did eventually find a necessity kit that looked suspicious. In it I found everything I was looking for and a whole lot more. As a matter of fact, I didn't even know what half of the stuff was. The things I found were condoms, sex stuff, Viagra, money, crystal meth, drug paraphernalia, and pornography on DVDs. (I had to check the internet and with the police to verify everything.) I now understood his behavior.
With the help of my bishop, we then sat down to confront him. It took him a long time to even admit what he had done. He finally said that this double life started shortly after our first baby was born. He claims I gave too much attention to the baby. He said it all started out with a curiosity in pornography, which eventually turned into acting out sexually with men. He actually justified his actions, because he claims he only did this a couple of times a year. (That makes it all better you know!) After about ten years of this, he finally gave into the drugs that were always offered to him. This only made his double life escalate. He went from acting out a couple of times a year to a couple of times a day in the last two years. Since he is one of the owners of the business, he was able to work his odd hours and give himself bonuses (for drugs) without anyone saying a word. He had a great set-up for a lifestyle like his. Too bad his wife had to go and blow it for him.
I told him then that I would not kick him out now, because I knew without serious help and support, he would dive into that lifestyle until he was dead. It still took months to get confessions out of him, and even then he would only answer what I asked and would never volunteer information. I still had to pick and choose what to believe, because his confessions were still so full of lies. Even now months later, I still stumble across things he never told me about. He was eventually excommunicated from the church, which was a surprise to him and his parents. (Which just proves where he gets his faulty beliefs from.)
So, where are we now? We are both in a program called Lifestar, that helps sex addicts and their spouses. He is also seeing a drug therapist, with a weekly urine analysis. I am also seeing a therapist and I do speak frequently with our Bishop. My therapist wants him to be seen by a Psychiatrist, that specializes in homosexual sex addiction and have a full battery of test performed. Many of us feel he suffers from severe personality disorders, and without a proper diagnosis, he will never recover. He has also been told to have regular visits with our Bishop and other church leaders. Well, he feels that the two programs he is involved with is enough. He has claimed that he has completely stopped acting out and that he has recovered. So why does he need more treatment? He doesn't like people telling him what to do, especially if it is his wife and her therapist. He said that he can handle all of this on his own and that what he has done isn't that bad. His father even agrees with him that he does not need to see the Bishop or continue with treatment. (As a matter of fact, his father blames me for all of this. But I'll save that for another day.) He continues to attend church with us and puts the front on that everything is okay.
So where am I with this? I knew back with his diagnosis that he had killed the marriage. I kept things together so he could get into proper treatment and maybe start the repentance process. I now see that I was only dreaming. Everyday I try my best to be pleasant and to continue being a good wife and mother. I felt due to the horrific things he had done, our intimate life was over, but I could still allow him to kiss me goodbye. I thought I was being Christ-like by trying to help, but he recently told me I have been extremely cold and unChrist-like to him. I also told him that I could be of more support to him as a friend, than as a spouse. That only made him angry that I was not willing to work on our marriage. I do realize that I was expecting a healthy response from an unhealthy person. A few months back I did talk to a lawyer and I am also trying to figure out what I can do with an old health degree. (I will probably go into Nursing.)
I do know every ones repentance process will be different and that it is not my place to judge. But I do know that I have to make a righteous judgment for the safety of my children and myself. I do not feel that he has even scratched the surface of repentance. I have yet to see any remorse or regret for what he has done. All I see is frustration and anger towards me, because I'm not doing what he thinks I should be doing. He wants me to quickly forgive and forget and act like this never happened. Not once has he asked me what he could do for me.
Labels: addiction, adultery, AIDS, children, devestation, distrust, fathers, lies, pornography, spouse
Wow, I thought my stuff was hard. And it is. It's all so horrible and not at all what we signed on for when we got married. You are amazingly strong. I am so glad that you are getting help and support. I'm glad your bishop is there for you. That has not been my experience at all. It is too awkward and embarrassing for my bishop to handle. Please look out for yourself and your children first. Take care of yourself. I'm not so good at that, but I know it is the right thing. Even through all the ugliness and overwhelming bad stuff I still know that Heavenly Father loves us.
Posted at
June 19, 2008 10:53 AM
The Lord never gives us trials that we cannot handle. He knows you are a very strong and courageous woman. And you have handled this. I know what it is like to be lied to and manipulated by the man you love. Your love goes so deep, and that only makes it hurt more. I pray that I can be a strong as you. Thank you for sharing your story.
Posted at
June 19, 2008 11:27 AM
May I also thank you for sharing your story. I think many of us can find some truth in your story that fits ours. It is so difficult when our faith is strong and we expect our partner to be honest and faithful. It hurts so much. I have read lots and lots of books and they really help me sort through my fears, feelings and what is real & true. Heavenly Father knows we can only be responsible for how we treat others NOT how they treat us. You are wise to know your husband is unhealthy so his responses are unhealthy. He has believed lies and it sounds like he continues to believe lies and want you to join him. YOU KNOW WHAT IS TRUE. Honesty and fideility. I would suggest your husband POSSIBLY was sexual abused as a child or exposed to sexual activity prior to an age he could understand the behavior? Has he opened up enough to share his early childhood sexual experiences. Just a thought from experience. Hold your head up high and know that you deserve to be appreciated for your kindness and if your husband is so lost he continues to see himself as the victim you MAY want give him an opportunity to handle HIS mess by himself. It is right to help others who help themselves BUT I have found it is easy also to enable those who continue to be stuck and that is not good for either of you.
Posted at
June 19, 2008 12:44 PM
I can not imagine how you have coped with all the things you describe! I have also endured a lot because of my husband's addiction, but it pales in comparison to your story. You are so strong! I hope that your husband will alter his thoughts, beliefs and desires in a way that will bring REAL change. Thank you for being brave enough to share your experience. I pray for your family!
Posted at
June 19, 2008 12:54 PM
God never intended for his daughters to be treated this way. Here is a quote from a LDS church leader, Gordon B. Hinkley, in a book called, 'My Dear Sisters':
"My heart reaches out to you. I appreciate you. I honor you. I respect you. What a tremendous force for good you are. You are the strength of the present, the hope of the future. You are the sum of all the generations that have gone before, the promise of all that will come hereafter."
I am sure that God feels the same about his daugthers. Be strong - support what is right and correct. Pray, and you will have the strength to carry out what is virtuous. (It is your responsibility to care for your physcial safety as well as your children.)
Posted at
June 26, 2008 7:04 PM
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It really makes me sad to read these stories, but I have felt alone and separated from other women for twenty years. I am glad to know I am not the only one living with this. I got married when I was twenty years old to a member of my church from an active church family. On the surface things seemed great. We were so in love. We decided not to wait to have children and I became pregnant after only three months of marriage. Click here to read the rest of the story... It really makes me sad to read these stories, but I have felt alone and separated from other women for twenty years. I am glad to know I am not the only one living with this.
I got married when I was twenty years old to a member of my church from an active church family. On the surface things seemed great. We were so in love. We decided not to wait to have children and I became pregnant after only three months of marriage.
I worked full time during the day, my husband worked nights. I remember coming home and finding my slip or silky nighties out on the bed. When I asked why, he would just say that he missed me. We HAD to have sex at LEAST once a day, even if I had my period or was sick or exhausted. I was innocent and believed him when he told me this was normal.
I really didn't understand about the masturbating and pornography until right after my daughter was born. Even then he played it off as nothing. It was just because I was so pregnant. It was a lie. I have spent twenty years trying to believe him when he tells me he loves me.
Last fall we had to get a new computer because ours was so over-run with porn. It got so that it popped up all the time. He swore that it was just a virus and he had nothing to do with it. He was always on the computer because he was trying to get RID of the bad stuff. He really believes that it is okay to lie to me. He tells himself he is protecting me. We have four daughters and a son. I have spent my whole life helping protect my husband's lies so they don't know what their father really is.
Whenever I ask how he is doing he lies. If I ask anything in depth he gets angry and distances himself from me emotionally. That's how he punishes me. He has lied to multiple church leaders too. I don't really feel like I can get help anywhere. He denies anything is happening until I catch him in the act.
I'm embarrassed by how pathetic I sound. I am smart, competent and educated. Divorce has just never been an option. I want my kids to have two parents. He is generally a fairly good dad. Also, I know the other man inside of him and he is so tender. He has such profound spiritual thoughts sometimes. He rubs my sore neck everyday. He feels bad when he hurts me.
What do I do? Let's just say that I barely scratched the surface of our story. I feel like I just have to share my life with the filth. I know living with ths has damaged me. I just pray for strength and keep plugging along.Labels: addiction, children, communication, distrust, emotional pain, family, fathers, internet, lies, pornography
I am so sorry for you. I am so sorry for all of us who have felt that our husbands were respectable and honest men. I think for me that is one of the hardest things. I am so sad that my husband has not seen sex and marriage as sacred but it is as hard for me to realize he is comforable being dishonest. He has shown so little respect for me, for women, for his position as a father and husband. My faith has really been tested and I do not know at times what is real and what is a lie. As long as someone chooses to lie about their 'sin' they are not close to being able to overcome or change their behavior. I love my husband and I want him to see the light but I am not willing to pretend that things are good when they are not. I can handle the truth it is the lies that are hurting me and our marriage. Pray for help, stay close to those you can trust and know you have lots and lots of value! You are a child of God who LOVES you!
Posted at
June 18, 2008 12:34 PM
The thing I see you doing is rationalizing his behavior and making excuses for him. He may have a tender side and be occasionally spiritually eloquent, but that does not excuse his dishonest behavior. He is simply making bad choices that are affecting you and your family. That is a difficult truth to accept, but you must do it if any of you are going to come out of this ok. Marriage and families cannot exist where there is lying and dishonesty. Your husband's addiction has taken away his ability to think and act like a rational person, and it is causing you to live in fear. That is not a good environment for children, no matter how you may try to justify it. Your husband needs to bring his addiction into the light and needs to show desire and then action for a full recovery. All of you will continue to suffer until he does this. And unfortunately, if he has no desire to change and will take no action to do so, you will have to start facing the stark reality that divorce is the best way to go. Living with full truth and honesty is the only way to beat addiction. The Lord does not expect people to live with dishonest people who refuse to change. You need to be emotionally healthy for your children's sake, and to feel peace in your own life. Living with a lying addict makes that impossible. Everyone experiences pain, sadness and disappointment, but when it is being inflicted upon you by someone else (your own spouse!) constantly, you have to choose to stop it if the other person will not. The Lord works through light, truth and honesty, and anything else is an unhealthy and unacceptable way to live. Facing the truth is difficult and painful, but in the end, all parties involved will feel peace if they choose to live in the light of truth.
Posted at
June 28, 2008 6:21 PM
I really struggle to find the line between rationalizing for him and just trying to keep my family together. I know so many families that have been so messed up by divorce. I know so many kids that have been damaged by it. They know their dad is different but they don't know why. I have thought a thousand times "I need to leave. I need to leave!", but I have never had support from a church leader to do so. When my husband gets caught he says all the right words. You know what I mean. Then he goes to our church leader and says all the right things. He is an expert at the game. And he seems genuinely sorry. Honestly, I find it pretty confusing. Which Him do I believe? Also, I never prepared to provide for a family. I had this pretty picture in my head of what my life would be. When do you leave?
Posted at
June 30, 2008 3:36 PM
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